Meredith was silent.
“Have you noticed that?” Sarah persisted. “That you never call me anymore? It’s not a big deal but I thought I’d bring it up because if you don’t want to be friends anymore we should just get it all out on the table now.”
Wow, Meredith thought. But that’s why Sarah is so successful. She reads people well and she deals with problems head on. And Meredith had wanted to cool down their friendship. But she found herself saying, “No, Sarah. Of course I want to stay friends. I hadn’t even noticed about the calls. I’m getting lazy, I guess. Thanks for calling me on it.”
“I’m not trying to put you on the spot. But I’d like to know if it’s worth the effort to keep trying.”
“Of course it is. Yes. Yes.”
“Okay. Then I’ll try again. Why don’t you and I do a girls’ night out? Just the two of us.”
“Sounds great. You name the day and I’ll be there.”
“Tonight.”
“Tonight?”
“Yeah. I’ve got a party on Saturday. I’m not inviting you because I know how you feel about parties.”
“Sarah, I’d love a girl’s night out. But I can’t go tonight.”
“Why? What are you doing?”
“Well, I was invited to someone’s house for dinner.”
“Who?”
“Just someone from work. A woman named Kira.”
“What a name. Who is she?”
“Just the accountant. She knows Ben, too and so she invited us both over.”
“So I am being replaced, two-fold!” Sarah was making an effort to be light, and it broke Meredith's heart.
“No. Honestly, I’d love to get out of this. I just...well, let me see if I can. I can’t make you any promises. But let me try and I’ll call you back. Okay?”
“Okay.”
Meredith hung up and waited for Ben to get out of the shower. “Do you have your heart set on going to Kira's house tonight?”
“Oh, shoot. I knew there was something I’d forgotten. I can’t go.” He looked so wracked with guilt that Meredith felt guilty for how well his mistake served her needs.
“No problem. I think I’ll just cancel with Kira. We can do it another time.”
Ben's shoulders slumped forward. “I’m so sorry. Jessica Armijo asked me to switch call nights with her. I totally forgot about Kira's thing.”
Jessica? Meredith wondered, briefly. “It’s fine,” she said aloud. “Better, actually. I’m going to have dinner with Sarah.”
“But you’ve already made plans with Kira.”
“So did you.” She snapped. “Plus, you’re the one who told me to make plans with Sarah. This is what happens when you try to make plans with her. She zeroes in on any other plans you have and bores holes right through them.”
Ben wisely refrained from comment as they headed out the door to work.
“Don’t sweat it,” Kira assured her.
“It’s just that with Ben not coming...I’m not good at parties alone.”
“I’d watch over you. You’d never be stranded or left alone. I promise. But if you’d rather not come, that’s fine too.”
“I’d better not.”
“We’ll do it again another time.”
Meredith relaxed for the first time that morning. “Thanks, Kira. You’re awesome for understanding.”
“Like I said, it’s not a problem.”
She handed her a bag. “I still brought bread.”
Kira smiled sympathetically and put a hand on her shoulder. “Stop feeling guilty for not coming. It’s really no big deal. If it wasn’t okay with me, I would have told you.”
“I hope you’re not getting too dependent on Ben.” Sarah was unfolding her cloth napkin. Their waiter stood over them with a plate of goat cheese over bread drizzled in olive oil.
“No. I’m not.” Meredith took a gulp of wine.
“Ninety percent of doctors have extramarital affairs.”
“Where’d you read that? Fidelity Today?”
“I’m just trying to make you think this through.”
“Could we stop the Ben-bashing and...”
Sarah held up her hand. “Not Ben-bashing. Doctor-bashing.”
“Whatever. And talk about you? Who are you dating?” Sarah was always dating someone.
“No one serious enough to talk about. But I think I have a thing for my Bikram teacher.
“Bikram?”
“Hello! Welcome to this century. Bikram Yoga. It’s all the rage. And he’s a babe. There’s just one problem.”
“Gay?”
“No.”
“Married?”
“No.”
“He, heaven forbid, isn’t interested in you?”
“God no.”
Meredith had to laugh at Sarah's confidence. “I give up.”
“Well...” Sarah took a sip of wine to build the suspense. “He may be only twenty-one.”
“Years?”
“Yes.”
“He’s too young,” Meredith said.
“Why?” Sarah wailed. “Why is that too young? He’s old enough to get into bars. He’s a legal adult.”
“Sarah, you’re thirty-one.”
“Thanks for the reminder. I’d almost forgotten.”
“That’s what I’m here for.”
“Men do it all the time,” she mumbled.
‘Yes. But it’s disgusting. We’re better than that.”
“Don’t say that till you’ve seen his buttocks.”
Chapter Eight
Kira and Meredith were having lunch on the patio of a deli. The cold weather had abruptly shifted and it was warm enough to sit outside in the sun with jackets on.
“December in Albuquerque. Can you believe it?” Kira was disgusted.
“I love it,” Meredith told her gleefully.
“Remember snow? What kind of a childhood does this place offer?”
“Luckily, we’re both adults,” Meredith reminded her.
“I bet you’re looking forward to going home for a white Christmas, though.”
Meredith was munching a pickle. “To New York? Nah. I’m staying here.”
“How many times a year do you go home?”
“Oh, it’s been years.” Kira just stared in disbelief so she tried to explain. “My family and I do better at a distance.”
“How long ago did you move out here?”
“Five years ago.”
“How many times have you been back?”
Meredith made a zero with her hand.
Kira looked stunned. “When you lived in New York, did you see more of them?”
Meredith paused to measure her words. “More than now. But I’m much happier now than I was then. Actually, I’m like a different person. I don’t think my family would even know how to talk to me.”
“How many siblings do you have?”
“Kira,” she tried to make her voice breezy. “I don’t want to talk about my family. It pushes buttons.”
“O.K. What are you doing for Christmas?”
Meredith shrugged.
“Why don’t you spend Christmas Eve with Jeremy and me? Bring Ben. We’d love it.”
“Well, Ben’s on call.” She shook her head. “He’s always scheduled away for all the fun stuff. And I don’t want to interfere with your holiday.”
“Interfere? Please! We’d love it. We get bored with just each other.”
Meredith tried to imagine Kira and Jeremy sitting across from each other, bored. She didn’t believe it. “When are you guys going to start a family?”
Kira laughed a hard, little laugh. “Now it’s me whose buttons are being pushed.”
“Sorry. ‘Nuff said.”
“I’d like kids. Jeremy...isn’t so sure.”
“Really. He seems like he would be great with kids.”
“He would. He just...has...hang-ups.”
Meredith was mystified and curious, but she didn’t ask. “You guys make such a great cou
ple. I’m sure you’ll work it all out. It’s obvious how much he loves you.”
“Is it?” Kira had a funny look on her face.
“Yes!” Meredith told her emphatically. “I can’t believe you have to ask. You guys are, well, everything I’d love to have in a relationship,” she confessed.
“Oh, little Meredith. You sweet thing. No one’s relationship is ideal. Some people are just better at pretending.”
Meredith didn’t know what to say.
“So how are things with you and your doctor?”
“Don’t call him that. I’m uneasy enough about the MD-thing.”
“Why?”
“Think about it. He’s a doctor. I’m a former secretary. Now a computer programmer.”
“Hold up.” Kira shook her head. “First of all, you worked your way through school, which is more than Ben did--I guarantee it. Secondly, a computer programmer is a great job. You have flexibility, you’re in high demand. And you can make a hell of a lot of money,” she said. “Maybe not at our institution, but in freelancing, the sky’s the limit.”
“I guess that’s true. I just don’t want people to think I’m a gold digger. You know - marry a doctor.’”
Kira laughed. “Sweetie, what is up with you? You had a crush on Ben for ages. Now, you’ve got him. And he’s great. You’re making problems where they don’t exist.”
“Maybe you’re right.”
“I am. Just sit back and enjoy this.”
Meredith laughed. “I’ll try. But that’s hard for me to do.”
“Corky, I’d really like to go home. It’s after five.”
“I’m not going to have another chance to go over this until next week.”
Meredith rubbed her eyes. She’d been working on Corky’s work almost exclusively for two weeks. With Doug otherwise occupied, Corky had become a dictator. At first, Meredith had expected the other doctors to stop her; Meredith was behind on everyone else’s projects, but Corky’s peers gave her a width berth. Meredith looked at her watch; it was almost six. Corky had brought her dinner in a Tupperware container. She had spread a mountain of papers out across the floor of Meredith’s office. Meredith tried to remember if Corky had any sort of social life. She seemed to recall a girlfriend. Or was it just a roommate? Either way, it seemed apparent that Corky didn’t want to go home. But I do want to go home. If the doctors won’t stand up to her, Meredith thought, I guess it’s going to have to be me. “Corky, you may not have a life, but I do. I’m here late tonight. I’ve come in early every day this week. You’re still treating me like your secretary, making copies and reprinting sheets you’ve misplaced. You’ve probably taken down half a rainforest with all the second and third copies you’ve asked for.” Meredith stood up and reached for her purse. “I’m going home. When I come back, I don’t want you to ask me for any more duplicates of things you’ve lost. I’ll type in your data, but only after it’s all collected. Please close my office door when you leave tonight.” She left without looking back and congratulated herself for not letting Corky bully her.
“You have no idea how fortunate you are,” Lou told Meredith. “When Corky called me at home last night and told me you’d walked out in the middle of a meeting, I came close to calling you at home and firing you.” He was pacing around his tiny office. Meredith sat, still as a statue. “I’m sick of your attitude, young lady. If Doug’s son wasn’t in the ICU right now, you would be out the door. Now, go back to work and don’t let me hear one more complaint about you.”
Meredith put in a busy day with Corky. Neither mentioned their conversations with Lou. Meredith didn’t discuss her meeting with Lou with anyone, not even Kira. She just worked. When Corky was finished, Meredith left. Instead of going home, she drove over to Sarah’s place. The building was quiet as she walked down the hall to Sarah’s door. Meredith could almost hear the sound of chalk on a blackboard, of a teacher reading a story aloud to her third grade class. She thought it was odd that silence would remind her of the building’s history as a school, when classrooms themselves were always so noisy.
“Hey, Meredith, what are you doing here? Ben working?” Sarah greeted her at the door. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she had glasses on, instead of contacts. Even in glasses she looked hip.
“No. He’s expecting me home, actually. I just got off work.”
“What’s the matter? You look upset.” Sarah had brought work home with her, as usual. The dining room table was buried in papers. Her laptop sat in the middle, the screen glowing.
“I am upset Sarah. I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to spit it out. I don’t want us to be friends anymore. I’ve been angry at you for a while but unable to say so. You take over my life and treat me like I’m not competent enough to run it myself. I’m a grown-up, just like you.” Meredith’s words came out in a rush and by the end, she was out of breath and her voice was choppy. As soon as she stopped talking, her hands began to shake.
Sarah nodded calmly, but Meredith thought that she looked upset. “I wondered if you’ve been angry with me. You’ve been acting strange, lately.”
“You are always trying to tell me what’s best for me. I know what’s best for me. I don’t want to meet your men. I don’t want to hang out at your parties with your friends.”
“I’m sorry about the men, Meredith. It’s just that you never dated before Ben, and I wanted to help.”
“And that’s another thing. I did date before Ben. I just haven’t dated much recently.”
Sarah smiled and said, “Well, see, I wouldn’t know about that, would I? You never talk about your past much. You certainly never talk about men.”
“And you don’t respect that I am different from you. I don’t like parties and groups of people. I’ll never get over that; it’s just the way I’m built.” Meredith felt like her whole insides were shaking now. She turned, unsure if she should just go, now that she’d said her piece.
“Meredith, wait. Don’t go. I’m truly sorry, that I’ve upset you. Sit down. I’ll pour us some wine so we can calm down and talk.”
“No. I don’t want to talk to you anymore, Sarah. I just wanted to explain why I won’t be phoning you anymore or returning your calls.” Before Sarah could respond, Meredith left.
Chapter Nine
The warm weather held out and Christmas Eve brought temperatures in the mid fifties. Meredith woke up abruptly, then realized she could sleep in. No work. She nestled deeper under her covers. The day before vacation, only three staff people had come to work. Lourdes, who had to because of the phones, Ellen, because she had no vacation time left, and Meredith because she had nothing better to do. Doug had, of course, been there. He was always there. Meredith was beginning to wish he’d just stay away. She was secretly relieved that she wouldn’t have to see him again until January 2. Maybe by then everything would be resolved and things could get back to normal.
She hadn’t seen Ben in two days. He was on a rough rotation, Surgery. They had plans to spend Christmas morning together. His parents lived in Oregon, but he didn't have enough time off to go home. Ben would come over right after rounds. Meredith had agonized over a gift and finally settled on an espresso maker for camping and two acupuncture sessions (which could be used to quit smoking, among other things).
Mendra hopped up onto the bed and sat, watching her. Something Meredith particularly liked about her cat was that she never meowed or rubbed against her when she was hungry. She just positioned herself in front of Meredith and waited patiently for Meredith to take it from there. “My Zen cat,” she told her and climbed out of bed. The floor was cold in the kitchen so she poured cat food into a dish and headed back to put on socks before making coffee.
Out her window, Mr. Gonzales was on a ladder, stringing Christmas lights around his front porch. She imagined a couple of reasons for the last-minute decorating while her coffee brewed. Maybe the lights had just arrived in yesterday’s mail. Or Mr. Gonzales had put off hanging them to a
nnoy Mrs. Gonzales. Maybe he’d sprained his ankle and today was the first day he could climb the ladder. Or they’d borrowed that ladder to hang the lights. Meredith could imagine the ladder being passed from neighbor to neighbor all through the month of December. She herself had no Christmas decorations up, either inside or out.
She spent a quiet day reading a novel and watching out the window as a procession of Gonzaleses drove up and away in cars. They piled in and out carrying covered dishes and boxes. Just before noon, Mr. Gonzales and his sons pulled in with a surprise--their Christmas tree. It looked freshly cut and Meredith remembered that some families did the tree thing on Christmas Eve day. She could picture the female half of the family in the kitchen, threading popcorn and cranberries into garlands. That’s what her mom used to do. She’d set out needles, threads, and bowls of things to string. They’d all sit around the kitchen listening to Christmas carols. She hadn’t heard from her parents in a while, and she wondered if they would call her on Christmas. Abruptly, Meredith stood and stretched, then picked up the phone to call Kira. But Kira was probably busy. Plus, she’d see her in a few hours anyway. She could page Ben but he was probably in the middle of something important. In the end, she hung up the phone and looked for something imaginative to do. Her running shoes were near the front door. Covered in dust. She decided to go for a run.
Stepping out her door, she breathed in the fresh, sunny air around her. Sic’em was sitting on his front porch. He lived two houses down from Meredith, with the Castillo family. He watched her run out to the main road, but didn’t offer her an escort. She did two miles at a moderate, steady pace. By the time she ran back to her yard, she was bathed in sweat. Mrs. Gonzales and two other women were inspecting the tires on a shiny, new Chevy truck. Everyone was in flowered dresses and heels, and Mrs. Gonzales had an apron tied around her stout torso.
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