Searching For Meredith Love

by Julie Christensen

  Peter came in and sat down. “You’re a great worker, Meredith. Reliable, creative, professional. But you aren’t a team player. In an office like this, that’s more important than anything else.”

  Meredith sat, immobile at her desk and considered the best response. Finally, she stood, walked to the door, and closed it. Fuck you, she thought at the faces that looked up as the door swung shut. She sat back down, slightly more composed. “Why does that matter so much?” she asked.

  Peter laughed. “You don’t know anyone’s names. You don’t know what people do. I bet there aren’t three people here, excluding David and me, that you talk to regularly.”

  She shook her head. “I talk to people.”

  “I challenge you to name three people who work here, besides David and me.”

  “Jeff,” she told him.

  “Okay,” he nodded encouragingly.

  “James.”

  “Good. Just one more.”

  Meredith knew she couldn’t name Charlene. She tried to remember the name of Peter's secretary. She didn’t want to guess and get it wrong. “That woman who got kicked out of her office so Charlene could get one.”

  “Lia?”

  “Yeah.”

  He didn’t say the obvious, that she’d failed his challenge. “Can you tell me what their job titles are?”

  Meredith didn’t even bother to try.

  “Meredith, you need to get out there and meet your co-workers. It’s important.”

  She said nothing. She felt like a third grader.

  “I guarantee you that everyone knows who you are.”

  “That’s because the whole office thinks that you and I are sleeping together!”

  “What?” Peter looked disbelieving. “Who told you that?”

  “It’s common knowledge. Don’t you notice how necks crane whenever you walk in here?”

  “You shut the door!”

  She didn’t bother to respond to his accusation.

  He recanted. “People will gossip about anything.”

  She said nothing. She felt an odd sort of intimacy with him from having revealed this information.

  “They button-push to see what makes people squirm,” he continued.

  “I’m not squirming. I have nothing to squirm about.”

  “Except that you aren’t getting to know anyone out there. You’re giving in to the gossip by hiding in your office.”

  Her cheeks flamed. “I’m not hiding away! I’m working and I’ve got better things to do than make nice with a bunch of people who resent me without even knowing me.”

  “You’re right. It’s not fair.” He leaned back in his chair. “I’ve never kept my feelings for you a secret,” he said. “You’re something unique compared to most women I know. Most people.” He wasn’t looking at her as he spoke. “If Ben wasn’t in the picture, I’d try harder to make myself a more important part of your life.” Finally, his eyes met hers. “But I haven’t shared these feelings with anyone. Except you. What I did today, with Charlene, was because you’ve distanced yourself from everyone here. It seems like I’m to blame for that. And I apologize. You need friends where you work, Meredith. Sooner or later, believe me, you’re going to need them.”

  They sat, deadlocked in silence. Or rather, Meredith felt deadlocked. Peter looked at peace.

  “About the gossip,” he said, after realizing she wasn’t going to respond to his speech. “I’ll try to put a stop to it.”

  “Don’t bother.” Meredith told him. “I don’t really care what they think. And trying to stop it will probably just encourage them to talk more.” She kept her eyes on her desk. It cost her pride not a little to say her next words. “I’ll try to interact with people more.”

  “Good girl.” Peter stood.

  Meredith scowled, but Peter didn’t notice. When the door opened, people looked up from their desks and then quickly back down again when they saw Peter watching them. His head swiveled to look at Meredith. “Shall I run and get a pack of cigarettes?” he asked her quietly, laughing.

  On the drive home, Meredith questioned her motives for telling Peter not to try to stop the gossip. Was it because she thought it’d add fuel to the fire? Or because she enjoyed the wide berth her co-workers gave her? And the excuse it gave her to distance herself from them?

  “Do you think I am disconnected from people?” Meredith asked Kira. She had called Kira on Saturday morning, after staring at a blank canvas for an hour, unable to paint.

  “No. Of course not.”

  “What about at work?” Meredith persisted. “Peter...”

  “The harasser?” Kira interrupted.

  “Yes. He accused me of not knowing anyone there. And it was true. I couldn’t even name three of my co-workers.”

  Kira whistled. “What are you? A hermit? You only know two people at work?”

  “Not counting Peter and the other owner.”

  “David?”

  Meredith rolled her eyes. “What a show off!”

  “I just pay attention.”

  “I knew everyone’s names at Family Practice.”

  “You worked there five years.”

  “I think I still knew more people’s names back then in those first few months at FP.”

  “So what’s changed since then?”

  “I don’t know.” Her doorbell rang. Meredith jumped. No one ever rang her bell. “Kira. Someone’s at the door. Can I call you back?” She could only think of one person who would come by without calling. She hung up and walked to the door, her heart in her mouth. She felt anticipation and dread. The bell rang again as she reached the door and flung it open. Sarah stood on her stoop, cell phone in one hand and two grocery bags in the other.

  “You really need call waiting,” she said. She dragged two large bags into Meredith’s living room. “Do you have any coffee made?”

  “No. I can make some, though.”

  Sarah turned to face her. “I’m feeling overwhelmed, which almost never happens to me.”

  “Come into the kitchen. What do you need done?”

  “I’m trying to put together these centerpieces. They were only supposed to take two hours but they keep falling apart.

  Meredith peeked in the bags. “Are you sure gin wouldn’t make this job more tolerable than coffee?”

  Sarah smiled and sunk into a chair. “What a great idea.”

  Meredith smiled as she reached into the back of her cabinet for alcohol. She uncovered two dusty bottles, one of triple sec and one of tequila. “Guess it’ll have to be tequila.”

  Sarah started unpacking the centerpieces. “I’ll take that straight.”

  By mid-afternoon, they were almost finished.

  “My back hurts,” Sarah whined.

  “I’m drunk,” Meredith told her. “And it’s two p.m. on a Saturday.”

  “Can you believe I’m getting married in less than a week?”

  “No.” Meredith told her.

  “Why don’t you bring a date to the wedding?”

  “No.”

  “Peter still thinks that you’re dating Ben.”

  Meredith stared at her glass.

  “Do you ever hear from him?”

  Meredith shook her head.

  “Sometimes we think we want something and our unconscious knows we don’t, so it takes the reins and guides us through. And we don’t always understand why until later.”

  Meredith sighed.

  “If you tried dating, it might help you sort out your feelings.”

  “The thought of going through a first, second, and third date with anyone makes me sick.”

  “So date someone you already sort of know.”

  “Who?”

  Sarah said nothing.

  “No, Sarah.”

  “Why not? Ben is gone, Meredith. Peter's still in for the count.”

  Meredith was silent.

  “He likes you a little more than he should,” Sarah continued, “which tells me it’s the idea of you, no
t yourself that he’s got a crush on.” She shrugged. “One date could end his whole fantasy of you. But this isn’t about Peter. It’s about you. One date could clarify your feelings for Ben.”

  “I don’t trust my own feelings in regards to love,” Meredith told Sarah. “I think I love people and then I realize I don’t. When I finally did love someone, I didn’t believe it.”

  “Well, that has to stop.”

  Meredith laughed. Sarah would never understand. Their personal make-up was too different.

  “Please don’t put ideas into Peter's head.”

  Sarah held up her hand. “On my honor. This is just between you and me. It’s your decision. I’m just putting out the idea that dating him wouldn’t be a betrayal to Ben or any feelings you have for him.”

  “When I close my eyes, it feels like the room is spinning.”

  “So don’t close your eyes.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Sarah.”

  In spite of working such long hours, Meredith was sleeping poorly at night. She spent all day sitting at her desk, and many evenings sitting in front of her easel. She needed to run, but the sight of her running shoes filled her with sadness. Finally, one day over lunch, she called Sarah’s house. Victor answered.

  “Victor, is that kickboxing offer still open?”

  “Absolutely, Meredith. I could see you tonight, if you want, say six?”

  Meredith looked at the piles of work on her desk. “I’ll be there.”

  The gym Victor worked in looked like a hard core boxing place. Most everyone was male. Her lesson took place inside one of the rings. “Where’s all the women and spandex?” Meredith asked.

  Victor laughed. “Oh, they’re around. They come for the group classes. Most of them aren’t serious boxers, though. The yoga studio is upstairs. Now, let’s start with your stance.”

  He was a good teacher. Meredith learned the basics of foot placement and pivot first, then she started punching. Victor held a punching bag and guided her through each move. He pushed her hard, but was encouraging too. By the end of ninety minutes, she was exhausted. Her tank top was soaked through. But she had learned four different moves. As she untied the gym’s gloves, Victor asked her what she thought of kickboxing.

  “I liked it. It feels good to punch things.” Victor looked pleased.

  “Come back anytime,” he told her.

  Sarah's wedding was elegant and simple, just as Meredith would have expected. It was nothing like Meredith's own wedding, which had been a dizzying whirl of lilies, hairspray, and folding chairs. A wedding just like everyone else’s. Narrow your eyes and they looked exactly alike. Sarah's was unique, however. Against the backdrop of the pink Sandias, she wore a white silk dress, hung straight. Her hair was pulled back. The look on her face, as she listened to Victor say his vows, was pure joy. Her expression bit into Meredith, who stood to Sarah's left. She wanted what Sarah had so badly she could taste it.

  The room for the reception was dimly lit and decorated with small white bulbs, strung across the walls and tangled into flower arrangements. Catching herself in a large mirror that hung in the hallway outside the reception room, Meredith recognized her clothes before she realized that the woman in the reflection was her. Her face stood out dramatically against the dark mass of her hair. Sarah knew how to dress her, that was for sure. Looking at the woman in the mirror, Meredith asked herself, Who am I? Am I the girl in blue hair, the meek, angry University employee, the happy girl who loved Ben, the artist who paints New Mexico? She decided that, for tonight, she none of those things. She was just the beautiful woman who looked like she’d stepped out of a portrait painting.

  She tried to look relaxed and calm as she walked into the reception hall. After a few minutes, Eli came over and asked her to dance. She could have kissed him, she was so grateful. He was there with a woman he’d been dating for four months. He pointed her out to Meredith. She was a lively woman, joking and laughing with a group by the bar.

  “And you?” Eli asked her. “What’s new with you?”

  “Oh, let’s not talk about me. I’d rather hear more about you.”

  Eli pulled his head back to look at her with narrow eyes, but then shrugged and continued to share his life with her. He was buying a home in the foothills. His father had just had an angioplasty. When the song was over, he walked her back to her corner spot.

  “Thanks for the dance, Eli.”

  He studied her a moment. “I never noticed before how beautiful you are, Meredith. You really look beautiful.”

  “It’s the makeup,” she told him.

  He shrugged. “Everyone in this room has makeup on.” Turning on his heel, he walked back over to his date. At his approach, she continued whatever story she was telling, but one of her hands lifted to touch his elbow and stayed there.

  Meredith considered getting a drink. But in another half hour it wouldn’t be inappropriate to sneak out. If she drank, she’d have to stay on longer. She walked back outside to the patio, where the bed and breakfast workers were stacking chairs.

  The sky to the west was still light. The moon was coming up, but it looked more like a two-dimensional picture than a solid mass of rock.

  “Did you come out here to be alone, or may I join you?” Peter's voice drifted across the patio. When she turned, she saw that he stood, tentatively in the doorway, as if one step farther would be an invasion of her space.

  Her feelings for him were like a swarm of bees. Too many things to process at once. “No, come on out. I just wanted to get away because I don’t really know anyone out there.” She braced herself for his response, knowing he’d either ask for Ben or parallel her lack of friends here to her lack at work.

  He joined her at the edge of the terrace. “I hate big groups like this,” he said, looking up at the sky. “It doesn’t matter if I know them all intimately or not at all. These sorts of settings are too much work. I always go home feeling exhausted.”

  He said in a couple sentences, what she’d felt her whole life without being able to explain. She couldn’t think how to respond, so she said nothing.

  “You’ve got the right idea,” Peter said. “That moon is beautiful.”

  “Yes, it is.” She’d planned to tell him that Ben was out of her life, but her courage faltered. Telling him now might seem like a come on. She settled for small talk. “The wedding was nice.”

  “Sarah looked beautiful.”

  “Didn’t she?”

  “She’s someone I really admire,” Peter continued. He was leaning up against the adobe wall. “She’s smart, ambitious, and driven, but she’s also able to open herself up to love. Victor...” He paused, then went on. “Victor is not the type of man I would have matched her up with. He’s a nice guy, etcetera, but for Sarah? I wouldn’t have thought so.” He was silent a moment. He turned to face Meredith. “And look how happy they are. Did you see his face when she came down the aisle? She took a risk. He took a risk. I really admire them.”

  “I didn’t think they would last long as a couple either,” Meredith agreed. “But now I see more than I did before. It’s hard to know who’s right for whom.”

  Peter turned back to the sky. In a casual voice he asked, “Where’s Ben tonight?”

  Meredith looked away from the moon, into the darkening brush beyond the patio. “Ben and I are working some things out. Which is to say that we aren’t currently dating. Mainly because he’s moved to Santa Fe and asked me not to contact him.”

  Peter didn’t move or alter his carefully modulated tone when he said, “I had no idea. I’m sorry, Meredith. Jeez.” He was quiet for a few minutes, probably piecing together her “allergy” attacks and recent run of long hours. Maybe he was remembering the lies she told him over the past few months. “Sometimes people just need time away to appreciate what they’ve got. It could still happen with you two.”

  Meredith was moved by Peter's words. A rush of warmth coated her feelings toward him and, touching his arm with her hand, she waited
for his head to turn before telling him, “Thanks.”

  He brushed off her words with a wave, then asked, “Hey. Do you want a drink? How about a glass of wine?”

  “Sure, that would be great.”

  “I’ll bring it out,” he offered.

  “I’ll just come back in. We should probably be mingling anyway.”

  “After all,” he agreed, “you are the maid of honor.”

  The room seemed bright after the nighttime sky. Meredith sat down at an empty table. The sight of the centerpiece made her feel slightly nauseated. Peter joined her in a few minutes with wine and a plate of food.

  “That’s a nice outfit,” he said, popping a cheese biscuit into his mouth.

  “Sarah picked it out.”

  He laughed.

  “Is David here?” she asked.

  “He had another obligation, in Denver, this weekend.”

  Meredith wondered what but didn’t ask. There wasn’t much she knew about David. She wondered if there was anyone special in his life.

  The band was very good. They were doing a series of love songs and after the second one, Peter stood up and held out his hand.

  “Let's dance.”

  “No. I can’t dance.”

  “Come on. Just a quickie. Look. It’s a well-lit area, with plenty of people around. You’ll be perfectly safe.”

  With a sigh, Meredith pushed herself up and let Peter lead her onto the dance floor. He put his arms around her waist. She let him turn her slowly through the crowd. Eli was leaning into his lady. Sarah and Victor were dancing, too. They clung to each other like they’d been shipwrecked, and Meredith wondered if they even noticed the other people in the room.

  “It’s odd to see Sarah look so vulnerable,” she said to Peter. He swung her around to see for himself.

  “Sweet,” he replied.

  Meredith was a few inches shorter than Peter. Ben was taller. Peter smelled like soap and some trendy men’s cologne. Calvin Klein or something. She could feel his muscles under her hands. He would have a nice body, naked. He was holding her about three inches from him. When she’d danced with Eli earlier, he’d pulled her right up against his chest.