by Leigh Bale
Outside, he expected her to sit on the front porch, but she kept going. Down the stairs, across the green lawn and toward the fence line bordering the cornfield...where no one could listen through open windows and eavesdrop on their conversation.
Beneath the spread of a hackberry tree, she finally stopped and turned to face him. Lifting her chin two inches higher, she locked her gaze with his.
“Do you love me, Jakob?” Her words were spoken so quietly that he almost didn’t hear.
He paused, his mind churning. He loved Susan. He always would. But did he love Abby, too? Did he?
“This is what I wanted to talk with you about earlier, when we were interrupted by the bishop’s visit,” he said. “I... I have come to care for you a great deal, Abby. In fact, I want you to stay here, with my familye. I don’t want you to leave.”
She shifted her weight and folded her arms. “I know you care for me and that we are gut friends. But since I came here, my feelings have changed. I don’t want to be second-best. I want more from the man I marry. Do you love me?”
“Abby, I... I need more time. I’ve caught glimpses of how it could be between us, but I still don’t know,” he said, wishing he could make sense of his feelings. He knew he didn’t want her to leave. That he was desperate for her to stay. Yes, he’d overheard Abby telling Reuben that he could love his mother and still be friends with her. Jakob’s common sense told him that he could do the same with Susan. He could love both her and Abby. But a deep part of Jakob’s heart wouldn’t let him make that leap.
“Ne, Jakob. If you loved me, you would know in here.” She placed the palm of her hand against his chest.
Her touch was warm and gentle, setting his heart to racing. He longed to pull her into his arms and offer her some reassurance. He was physically attracted to her. He enjoyed being with her. But did he love her?
“I want to marry you, Abby. To make a familye with you. I don’t want you to go. In time, I believe I would—”
She shook her head, interrupting him. “Ne, Jakob. We are out of time. As tempting as your offer is, I will not accept a pity marriage. Not from you and not from any other man.”
He snorted. “Believe me, my offer is certainly not out of pity, Abby. Any man would be blessed to marry you. I’m very aware of how beautiful and superb you are. Against great adversity, you have followed the rules of the Ordnung all the days of your life. Your faith inspires me to be a better man, to do more gut. You’re everything I could ever want in a wife. It’s me who should throw myself on your mercy. I’m the one who is so deficient.”
And he sensed that she could help him find the answers. Today, he’d felt as though he were on the cusp of discovering something transcendent about himself, but Bishop Yoder had interrupted them. Now it was as if he couldn’t wave away the fog so he could see what was hidden so clearly in his own mind. It had been there, then it was gone and he couldn’t find it again. He didn’t even know what it was he felt for Abby. She was unique. His feelings for her were so different from what he’d felt for Susan. He only knew he was desperate for her to remain here with him.
“You are very kind, and I thank you for your offer,” she said, showing a sad little smile.
“But...?”
“But a marriage without love would not be gut for either of us. When I finally wed, it will be to a man who adores me. A kind, generous man who puts me above all others, except Gott.”
“I do, Abby. I mean, I will do all of that.”
She scoffed. “You care for me like you do all the members of our congregation. Like you would a neighbor or dear friend. But not as a wife. Not as a cherished partner to toil and live each day of our lives together. If we wed, you would eventually come to resent me. You would feel trapped. And I would feel like a castoff. Like a second-class burden no one else wanted. I couldn’t live like that, Jakob. I’m not asking you to give up your love for Susan, but I am asking you to love me just as much as you loved her. Can you do that?”
Here it was. He blinked in confusion, wondering if he could. It was a novel idea to him. How could he love both women equally at the same time?
“I... I don’t know. You are both so different, yet you are both so wundervoll. It’s like comparing wheat to corn. I want both of them, but I married Susan first and still feel loyal to her.”
She laughed and it was so good to see her smile again, but not like this.
“Only a farmer would make such an analogy,” she said.
“Ach, I am a plain man and I make no apologies for it. It is who I am, who I will always be. You would need to accept me for who I am, just as I must accept you.”
“You don’t need to apologize, Jakob,” she said. “You are a gut man of faith, and any woman would be honored to accept your marriage proposal. One day, I hope you find what you are seeking.”
He couldn’t believe what she was saying. “Are you turning me down, then?”
“Yes, Jakob, I am.”
He stared at her, stunned to the tips of his scuffed work boots. Not because she was refusing him, but because she fully knew what would happen if she did. “You would rather return to Simon and his abuse than to marry me and remain here in Colorado with my familye?”
“Ne, of course not. I would love nothing more than to stay here. I love Naomi and Zeke. And I adore Ruby and Reuben. But I would rather suffer Simon’s abuse than live here and love you, yet know in my heart that you don’t love me in return.”
She loved him? That was a startling realization. It touched a deep part of his heart. Knowing that she loved him, he wanted even more to protect her. To not hurt her ever.
What he felt for Abby was powerful. They were close friends. Weren’t they? But was friends enough for marriage? Were his feelings as strong as what he had felt for Susan?
His love for Susan was still in the present, wasn’t it? He still loved her. And yet, his feelings had changed somehow. She was the mother of his children. He had cherished her. But now, Abby was here in his life and Susan was gone.
A blaze of frustration scorched his senses. He wanted to give Abby what she asked for. To love and cherish her as a man should love and cherish his wife. But he was so afraid. What if he couldn’t do it? What if it wasn’t in him to love more than one woman that way? And if he did, how could he stand the pain if he lost her the way he’d lost Susan?
“Let’s not make any decisions right now,” he said. “I will ask Bishop Yoder to delay your return to Ohio a little longer.”
She was silent for a moment, considering his words with a perplexed frown. The corners of her eyes crinkled as she squinted against the bright spray of summer sunlight. In spite of working outside with him each day, not a single freckle marred her smooth complexion. He remained perfectly still, holding his breath. Giving her time to consider his suggestion. The wind rustled her skirts, whipping them against her slender ankles.
“I don’t think more time will make any difference for either of us,” she said. “We both know what we want, and neither of us can have it. She’s not coming back, Jakob. You know that, don’t you?”
Abby’s words struck him like a fist to the face. Yes, he knew it, but maybe he was just now starting to accept it.
“I will return to Ohio where I belong,” she said with finality.
“Ne, I will ask the bishop for more time before he replies to your bruder. Gehne mir! We’ll go now and tell Bishop Yoder of our request.”
To keep her from refusing, he reached out and took her hand in his, pulling her gently with him toward the house. She didn’t fight him, and he was relieved. Her agreement meant everything. This was the best solution. It would buy them more time together. And tomorrow, he would take her for a buggy ride in the afternoon, just the two of them. He would court her. Hold her hand. Maybe even kiss her. They would have time to get to know each other on a romantic level.
T
ime to convince her to marry him.
Inside the house, he quickly made his request to the bishop. Dawdi Zeke remained stoic, his bushy eyebrows pulled together in a frown. Naomi looked worried, too, but Bishop Yoder nodded his assent.
“I would like nothing more than to have Abby remain here within our community,” the bishop said. “I will delay in responding to your bruder for a brief amount of time. But then, Abby will need to go back.”
Abby stood silently holding her hands together in front of her. She didn’t speak, nod or move a muscle. Her eyes were wide, her face ashen. And that’s when Jakob felt the futility of his request. Time would make no difference. It wouldn’t change anything between them. Nothing would, and he realized he’d have to face up to it.
Chapter Fourteen
“Do you want me to cut some more wood?”
Jakob paused as he sanded a piece of cedarwood and looked at Dawdi Zeke. Standing inside the workshop, the elderly man indicated a neatly stacked pile of wood scraps on the other side of the workbench.
“Ne, I think we have enough cut already.”
Jakob glanced at the row of birdhouses lining the tall shelf. He and Dawdi Zeke supplied the hardware store in town with an assortment of birdhouses, feeders and wishing wells, selling them on consignment. Tourists loved the gaily painted fixtures, which were another source of income for them. And they were easy to produce, made from scraps of wood left over from larger projects. If Abby helped Dawdi Zeke paint, they might be able to sell them in some of the neighboring towns, too.
Abby. He’d thought of little else since Bishop Yoder had left over two hours earlier. Beneath the warm glow of kerosene light, he rubbed his fingers along the grain of the wood, feeling for any rough edges. He needed time to think. To come up with a plan. Some way to protect Abby from her brother. But nothing came to mind.
“What are you gonna do about Abby?” Dawdi Zeke asked.
Hmm. Jakob had to give his grandfather credit. The elderly man hadn’t said a word about her since the bishop had left. But now, Dawdi seemed to be growing restless.
After wiping the surface of the wood with a tack cloth, Jakob shook it out. A small cloud of dust made him cough. “I’m not sure yet. I hope she will stay here and decide to wed me.”
Dawdi Zeke picked up a brush and dabbed red paint on the top of a miniature roof. “Ach, no doubt she’s feeling like she’ll always be in second place if she marries you.”
Jakob didn’t ask why. He knew Dawdi was right, but he didn’t want Abby to feel that way. She deserved better than that. She was so wonderful that he wanted her to feel happy and secure in their marriage, not as if she were a last resort.
“She’s made it clear that she won’t marry a man who doesn’t love her,” Jakob said.
And that was the crux of the problem. Jakob couldn’t love her. If she died the way Susan had done, he couldn’t face that loss again. Neither could his children. So where did that leave them? Nowhere!
Dawdi Zeke nodded. “I can understand her feelings. My second wife felt the same way.”
Jakob jerked his head up, his mouth dropping open in surprise. He’d known since he was a toddler that Dawdi Zeke had been married twice, but he had no idea his grandmother felt second-best. “You mean my grossmammi felt like that?”
“Ja, for several years, until I convinced her differently. My first wife was Maddie. You never knew her, she died long before you were born. She had auburn hair and the prettiest hazel eyes you ever saw. She died of pneumonia when she was only nineteen years old. She was four months along with our first child.”
Jakob’s heart wrenched with sadness. Although he’d known about Maddie, he hadn’t realized she was expecting a baby. His grandfather’s story reminded him that he wasn’t the only one who had lost a beloved wife and unborn child. In spite of his sorrows, Jakob had so much to be grateful for. He just had to look for the good and count his many blessings.
“Ach, I’m sorry, Dawdi.”
“There’s no need to be sorry. Maddie is with the gut Lord now. She’s happy and content, and I hope I’m worthy to see her again one day,” Dawdi Zeke said.
The elderly man was silent for a few moments and a faraway look filled his eyes, as though he were remembering back to his youth.
“There was a time when I didn’t think I could stand the loss,” he said. “I was barely twenty years old at the time. It took a long thirteen years before I could move on. I was thirty-three before I wed again. Helen, your grossmammi, was the mudder of my seven kinder. We were married sixty years. She was so talented, sweet, kind and sensible. A hard worker who loved Gott more than anything else. Her faith meant everything to her. I came to depend on her and loved her like I’ve never loved anyone in my life, and I miss her every moment of every day.”
“But if you loved Maddie so much, how did you let your heart come to love my grossmammi, too?” Jakob asked.
Dawdi Zeke shrugged. “Over the years, I missed my Maddie. If she had lived, I have no doubt we would have been married all our lives. But then I wouldn’t have known Helen and the joy we shared. Now, I’m a very old man, but my heart still feels young when I think about the two women who shared my heart. Even though they were so different, I loved them equally. I could never choose between them. And now that I face meeting Gott soon, I can’t say that I would change a thing. He knew what I needed to make me grow in faith. I faced a lot of pain losing Maddie, but He’s never deserted me. Not once.”
Jakob thought about his grandfather’s words for several moments. “But when you loved Helen, didn’t you feel disloyal to Maddie?”
Dawdi Zeke tilted his head, his bushy gray eyebrows drawn together in confusion. “What for?”
Jakob thought it was obvious, but explained anyway. “For loving another woman.”
“Ne!” Dawdi Zeke waved a hand. “I loved both women at different times. There was nothing wrong in that. I loved them, just as Gott loves them. I couldn’t choose between the two. My Maddie wouldn’t have wanted me to go on living my life alone and unhappy. It’s Gott’s plan that we wed and raise a familye. That’s what makes up eternity. Our familye. And if I hadn’t loved and married Helen, I never would have had kinder. I wouldn’t have you.”
Jakob had never thought about that. What if he was supposed to marry Abby and have more children with her? If he let her go, he might be letting her down. He might be letting Gott down, too.
Dawdi Zeke gave him a gentle wink. “I understand what you’re going through, mein sohn. I truly do. You want to love and be loyal to Susan, but that won’t help Abby. She needs you now. Don’t wait thirteen years to learn the lesson I learned. Be at peace. Don’t forget your faith. Gott has a plan for you. When we think all is lost, sometimes He can surprise us. Let Susan go now. Hold on to your faith and Abby.”
As his grandfather stepped away, Jakob found it suddenly so easy to feel the older man’s confidence in Gott. To feel so light of heart. He’d loved Susan, but now she was gone. She was at peace, but he hadn’t been. Not for months.
Jakob thought about after the Sermon on the Mount, when the Savior left in a boat. He was awakened by his disciples to find a great storm waging around them. That was how Jakob had felt since Susan died. His heart and mind had been in constant turmoil, battered by doubts and fear. But Jesus was the Prince of Peace. He had calmed the angry storm and taught a powerful lesson. That when we have faith and rely on Him, we also can have peace no matter what storms life throws our way.
Christ’s example spoke with strength to Jakob now. And suddenly, it was so easy to hand his burdens over to the Lord. To let go of his anguish and doubts. To rely on Christ, his Savior and friend. He would go forward in faith, confident and firm in his trust that Gott would show him the way. No longer would he be afraid.
He paused, that thought filling his mind. He wasn’t afraid anymore. In fact, the possibilities sudden
ly seemed endless. He’d been holding back his feelings for Abby out of guilt and fear of losing her. But that had to change.
Glancing at the open door, he saw the dark sky filled with shining stars. Abby was probably asleep by now. Too late to seek her out and talk to her. And he could hardly wait for tomorrow.
* * *
That night, Abby read a bedtime story to Reuben and Ruby. She almost cried when both children cuddled up with her so they could see the pictures of the book. The fragrant smell of Naomi’s vanilla soap wafted from their clean skin. Reuben slipped his hand over her arm and laughed at her attempts to lower her voice the way Jakob did. It seemed as though there had never been even a smidgen of animosity between them. When she finished the tale, Reuben climbed over to his bed. Abby tucked both children beneath their covers and kissed them each on the forehead.
“Have you been to your room yet this evening?” Reuben asked expectantly.
Abby gave him a quizzical look, wondering why he would ask such a thing. Hopefully he hadn’t filled her clothes with thistles, or put soap in her hairbrush. They were beyond such childish pranks now, weren’t they?
“Ne, why do you ask?”
He looked away, his cheeks flushing red. “No reason. I was just wondering.”
Ruby stifled a wide yawn, her eyes drooping as she spoke in a sleepy, contented voice. “You’ll never leave us will you, Abby?”
Abby froze, her heart squeezing hard. She didn’t know what to say. The children weren’t yet aware that Simon had summoned her home. They didn’t know she would be leaving soon.
“Ach, Mamm left us. Everyone leaves eventually,” Reuben said, his voice a bit begrudging.
“But your mudder didn’t want to go,” Abby said quietly. “Her body just gave out. She would have stayed with you forever if she could.”
“How do you know?” Ruby asked.
Abby tickled the girl’s ribs, making her giggle. “Because that’s what mudders do. I feel the same way about you and Reuben. I’d stay with you forever if I could.”