by Leigh Bale
“Daed says Mamm and our baby bruder are with Gott now,” Ruby said.
Abby nodded. “Ja, that’s right.”
Reuben peered at her, his wide, dark eyes seeming to look deep into her heart. “But you won’t leave us. Not for a long time until you’re very old. Will you?”
Abby took an inhale to steady her nerves. She didn’t want to make promises she couldn’t keep, but this conversation was breaking her heart. “I can’t promise that, liebchen. None of us can promise to stay. But you know I’ll always love both of you, don’t you? I can promise that.”
“Ja, and I love you, too,” Ruby said, yawning again. “Tomorrow, Grossmammi said we’re going to take the kittens out to the barn so we can get them used to their new home. Do you really think they’ll be okay out there?”
Relieved to change the topic, Abby nodded. “I do.”
“But what will they eat? They don’t know how to catch mice yet. They’ll be lonely out there in that big old drafty barn.”
“They’ll learn soon enough to catch mice, and they can curl up in the warm straw. Hunting will come naturally to them. And you can keep an eye on them to ensure they’re not going hungry. If they are, you can give them some scraps from the kitchen to eat.”
The babies had gotten so big since Abby had found them in the barn weeks earlier. They had grown fast, but Abby wouldn’t be here to watch either the cats or the children grow into adulthood.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow she must leave. No matter how long the bishop delayed corresponding with her brother, she couldn’t stay here any longer. She appreciated Jakob’s efforts on her behalf, but she’d spent enough time with him that, if he didn’t love her now, he never would. Staying longer would only exacerbate the situation. It would be pure torture, building up all of their hopes only to have them dashed. And in the end, she would have to return to Ohio anyway. It would be better to leave now than to spend more time with Jakob, knowing he could never love her. Her heart couldn’t take that. Not anymore.
“Rest now,” she said. “Gott will take care of you no matter what happens in your life. You just need to have faith and all will be well.”
She blew out the kerosene lamp and left the door slightly ajar. Ruby rubbed her eyes again and Reuben rolled over. Abby peered at them through the dark, listening to their soft even breathing for several moments.
As she crossed the landing to her own room, she had to blink back tears. Never before had her faith been put to such a test, and she wondered what Gott had in store for her. She didn’t want to leave, but knew if she refused, she could be censured by the church. She might even be shunned, which meant that Jakob and his familye couldn’t speak or eat with her, nor take anything from her hand. She didn’t want to put Bishop Yoder or the Fishers in that uncomfortable position. What would it accomplish, except to create more heartache for them all?
Pulling back the covers to her bed, she fluffed the pillow. A white scrap of paper fell to the floor. Picking it up, she read the words scrawled in childish handwriting: You smell like apple blossoms.
Folding the note, she closed her eyes and held the paper close against her heart. Tears squeezed from between her eyelashes. Now she understood why Reuben had asked if she’d been to her room this evening. She had absolutely no doubt that he had written this message and was wondering if she’d seen it yet.
She hadn’t realized that she smelled like apple blossoms. It must be the homemade lotion Naomi had given to her. But the fact that Reuben had noticed and thought to comment on it touched her heart like nothing else could.
Once she was gone, who would write uplifting notes to put in Reuben’s lunch pail? And who would comfort Ruby if one of the kittens went missing or got hurt? Naomi, Dawdi Zeke and Jakob would do all they could for both children, but Abby could hardly stand the thought of leaving them. Not now. Not when she loved them so much. Not when she still loved Jakob. Finally, for the first time in her life, she felt wanted and needed. Like this was her home. But it couldn’t be helped. Nothing was going to change Jakob’s heart. She had to leave.
* * *
The following morning, Abby was up early. As quietly as possible, she packed her battered suitcase. Its contents included the note Reuben had hidden beneath her pillow, a picture Ruby had drawn of the baby kittens scampering across the yard and the wild iris Jakob had picked for her in the cornfield. None of them would ever know how much she treasured these simple things or how much their gestures of kindness meant to her.
Stowing her suitcase under the bed where no one would see it, she went downstairs to do her chores. It was still dark outside as she crossed the yard to the barn, the crisp air filling her lungs. She found her wire basket for collecting eggs sitting on a bench just inside, filled with a bunch of silver lupines.
Her stomach did a myriad of flip-flops. Jakob must have picked the flowers for her, but it didn’t mean he loved her. Still, his gesture touched her heart.
Lifting the bouquet, she pressed it to her nose and inhaled deeply of the sweet fragrance. She would add several of the violet flowers to her cherished possessions.
A flash of white caught her eye. Plucking it from the basket, she discovered a note addressed to her. As she opened it, her heart thudded and her hands shook like aspens in the wind.
Abby,
I’m sorry I missed you this morning. I left early so that I can finish my chores in time to take you for a buggy ride this afternoon. Mamm will take the kinder with her to the quilting frolic, so you won’t need to watch them. Please plan your workday so you can be ready to leave with me around noon.
Jakob.
Abby’s pulse tripped into double time. No one had ever left her a message like this before. No one had ever gone out of the way to plan a buggy ride with her. Martin Hostetler didn’t count because she’d told him “no” several times. It was so tempting to stay and spend an enjoyable afternoon with Jakob, but his note was what convinced her it was time to go. She detected no affection in his words. No words of endearment. Nothing to indicate he was excited to spend the afternoon with her. He’d even signed the note simply with just his name. No emotion. No love.
She must not be sucked into false hope. Over the past few months, she’d spent plenty of time alone with Jakob, and he still didn’t love her. Nothing would change with a bunch of flowers and a buggy ride, but she was grateful that he had at least made the effort. She didn’t blame him. In fact, she admired him for his honesty and his loyalty to Susan. She just wished he could find room in his heart to love her, too.
Today, she would leave. Dawdi Zeke would spend most of his time inside the workshop. Naomi would take the children with her. Jakob was already out in the fields watering and weeding the crops. He wouldn’t be back for hours. By the time the familye returned home, she’d be gone. It was a nine-mile walk to the bus depot in town, but she could make it. She’d leave a letter of explanation and go. It would be easier this way. No tearful goodbyes. No guilt or recriminations. They’d just quietly get on with their lives.
Tucking Jakob’s note into the heel of her shoe, she hurried with her work. Thirty minutes later, she was back in the kitchen and greeted Naomi and the children with a cheerful smile and a kiss.
“Danke for your sweet note. It made me feel so happy,” she told Reuben.
He smiled, looking suddenly shy as he took his seat.
The tantalizing aroma of sausage and cornmeal filled the air. As she spooned scrapple into their bowls, they didn’t seem to notice anything different. It was just another ordinary day. And yet, Abby felt like crying.
“Did Jakob tell you that the kinder will be going with me to the quilting frolic this morning?” Naomi asked in a pleasant tone.
“Ja, he left me a note.” Abby turned away so no one would see the tears in her eyes. She didn’t want the woman to know that she wouldn’t be here when Jakob returned. That she’d probably never
see any of them again.
“I wish you could join us, but there will be plenty of time for you to attend other frolics another time,” Naomi continued, seeming almost buoyant at the thought.
Abby didn’t respond. No doubt the woman was eager for her eldest son to marry again. And why not? The Amish were taught to cherish their children. They valued familye second only to their obedience to Gott.
As she set a plate of warm biscuits on the table, the kittens mewed at Abby’s feet. They wanted their breakfast, too. Looking up, she locked her gaze with Dawdi Zeke’s. He hadn’t picked up his spoon to eat and was watching her quietly, his gray eyes narrowed with shrewd intelligence. Did he know what she planned? Oh, she hoped not. Running away seemed dishonest somehow. She loved the elderly man and hated to do anything to lose his respect.
Turning away, Abby quickly filled a saucer with cream and tiny pieces of sausage. If this was the last time she would get to feed the kittens, she wanted to make it a good meal for them. She set the dish on the floor beside the stove and petted the two babies as they ate ravenously, their long tails high in the air.
Within an hour, Abby had washed the dishes and swept the floor, and was standing on the front porch, waving goodbye to Naomi and the children. Tears clouded her vision as she blew them a kiss. As predicted, Zeke had disappeared into the workshop. Now was her chance.
Hurrying inside, she ran upstairs to retrieve her suitcase and the letter she’d written late last night addressed to the entire familye. In the kitchen, she placed the envelope in the middle of the table, where it was sure to be seen. After picking up the basket of food she had prepared for her journey, she opened the front door cautiously. She peered out, making certain Dawdi Zeke wasn’t around. When she didn’t see him, she scurried toward the main road, eager to put some distance between herself and the farm.
From past experience, she figured it would take three hours to walk the nine miles, which would put her in town around noon. That was roughly the time when Jakob would be ready to collect her for their buggy ride. If her memory was correct, a bus would be departing at one thirty. She’d be tired, but she could rest once she’d bought a ticket and was safely on her way to Ohio. But as she walked along the dusty road, she couldn’t help feeling that all was lost.
Chapter Fifteen
“What do you mean Abby is gone?”
Jakob stood outside the barn and stared at his familye in disbelief. He’d returned home early from the fields, dusty and smelling of sweat. He didn’t want Abby to see him like this and was eager to go to the dawdy haus so he could clean up before their buggy ride. In fact, he’d thought about nothing else all day long. Talking to her. Being with her.
“She’s gone,” Dawdi Zeke said again. “She left a letter for us on the table in the kitchen. She’s walked into town, planning to board a bus back to Ohio today at one thirty.”
One thirty? Jakob glanced at the azure sky. He didn’t own a watch, but he knew from the position of the sun that it must be almost noon.
“Go after her, Daed. You have to bring her back.” Ruby stood beside Naomi, rubbing her tear-drenched eyes.
Reuben sniffled as he held Dawdi Zeke’s hand. “Ja, Daed, go and get her. Hurry, before she’s gone forever.”
“Ach, Jakob. Don’t let her leave,” Naomi said.
A cold, sick feeling settled over Jakob. Abby was gone. She’d left without saying goodbye.
“But why? I thought we had more time. I left her a note this morning. Why would she leave without telling me?”
Dawdi Zeke shook his head. “You know why she left. Do I have to explain it again?”
No, Jakob knew. He’d always known. But he’d been in denial. He thought he could stave off the inevitable, but Abby was smarter than him. She knew they couldn’t go on the way they had been. Their relationship had to move to the next level, or die.
And that’s when the truth washed over him with the force of a tidal wave. He loved Abby. He always had, but he’d been so fearful. Afraid of loving and losing her the way he’d lost Susan. But now, he knew that he wanted to be with Abby. To hold her close and have more children with her. To plan for the future and grow old with her.
To marry and love her all the rest of his days.
Yes, he loved her. He could admit it now. When he’d written the note to Abby and planned the buggy ride, he’d wanted to be near her but hadn’t understood how he felt. Now, an overwhelming love enveloped him and he didn’t push it away or try to ignore his feelings. He loved her; he was certain of it.
The revelation was like a thunderous epiphany. It came on so strongly that he couldn’t deny it any longer. Something he’d always known deep inside, but just couldn’t bring himself to admit. But it was there now. It had taken root within him and was growing fast. The fledgling, thrilling love that made him hopeful, expectant and anxious to be with her.
And now, he may have lost her for good.
He glanced at the buggy Naomi and the children had used to go to the quilting frolic. It was still hitched to Tommy. Reaching for the tugs on the harness, he spoke over his shoulder.
“Does anyone know when she left? Do I have time to ride into town before she’s gone?”
He spoke in a rush over his shoulder, removing the harness hitched to the horse.
Dawdi Zeke helped him, pulling on the girth belt. “I suspect she left right after Naomi and the kinder went to the quilting frolic, but she would have been on foot. You’ve got to go after her, Jakob. Tell her the truth.”
Jakob paused. Turned. “The truth?”
“Ja. That you lieb her. It’s time you finally admitted it.”
Yes, it was time. A flash of panic rushed over him. Not because he loved her. Oh, no. He felt the panic of dread, that he was about to lose something more precious than gold. He had to hurry, to get to town before the bus left. He couldn’t let Abby go. Not now. Now when he’d finally realized how he really felt about her.
He turned toward the barn, intending to retrieve the only saddle they owned. There was no need. Reuben had gone after it for him, grunting as he half carried, half dragged the heavy leather toward the horse.
“Danke, sohn.” Jakob lifted the dusty apparatus easily and swung it and a horse blanket up onto Tommy’s back. Although the Amish were good horsemen, they rarely rode horses. Not for recreational purposes, anyway. But this was an emergency.
The horse sidestepped, not used to being ridden. Jakob persisted, figuring he could move much swifter if he rode astride instead of driving the buggy. But that meant that Abby and her luggage would have to ride behind him on the way home. Right now, it couldn’t be helped. He didn’t care about anything except reaching her before it was too late.
* * *
The bus was delayed. Some kind of engine failure.
Sitting on a hard chair inside the terminal, Abby glanced at the clock on the wall. Almost two o’clock. Jakob, Naomi and the kinder would have returned home by now. They would have found her note on the kitchen table. They’d be upset, wondering and wishing and crying. But it was best to get it over with and move on.
Someone coughed and she glanced over to where two Englisch women sat nearby, their heads bent close together as they discussed this delay. Another woman comforted her crying toddler while her husband checked his wristwatch, then shook his head with annoyance. Other passengers sat around, too, waiting inside the air-conditioned terminal instead of outside in the baking sunshine. Occasionally one of them looked at her, their curious expressions telling her they thought her plain appearance was rather odd. They all seemed as anxious as Abby to get on the bus and leave town.
Her battered suitcase and small basket sat beside her on the floor. She looked at the clock again, wishing Harry, the conductor with the blue name badge pinned to his shirtfront, would give them another update. If they couldn’t get the bus working, she couldn’t go back
to the Fisher farm. She hated the thought of spending the night here and worried about what she would do.
Turning toward the door, she adjusted her black traveling bonnet and blinked. Jakob stood in the doorway, looking out of breath as he stared directly at her. Through the wide windows, she saw Tommy standing with his head down, blowing hard, his reins tied to the bike stand out front.
“Oh, ne.”
She buried her face in her hands, her cheeks burning as hot as kerosene. If only the bus hadn’t broken down, she’d be long gone now. What could she do? She didn’t want to face him. It was too humiliating. Too sad. Too...
Someone touched her hand. She looked up into Jakob’s eyes. In a glance, she took in his dusty clothes, his slightly damp hair and sparkling dark eyes. For a moment, she thought she saw relief pass over his face, but she must have imagined it.
“Hallo,” he said, but he didn’t smile.
“Wh...what are you doing here?” She couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.
“I came to bring you home where you belong.”
His words confused her. Why would he come after her if he didn’t want her? He could just let her go, and no one would ever blame him for it.
“Folks,” Harry called to get their attention. “I’m real sorry for the delay. We had an oil leak, but a new bus has just arrived. If you’ll give us a few more minutes to fuel up, we’ll be ready to leave soon. You can line up out front and we’ll take your luggage now.”
The passengers breathed a collective sigh of relief and started gathering up their things. A few more minutes and Abby would be on the bus, leaving behind her hopes and dreams of a happy life.
“I... I don’t understand.” No doubt he was feeling guilty, so he’d come after her. She didn’t want to make it worse.
“I came for you. It’s that simple.” He sat beside her.
Feeling embarrassed, she stood and he did, too, following her every move.
“Jakob, you don’t need to worry about me. I’ll be fine, really. We aren’t getting married, and that’s that. There’s no need to feel guilty about this.”