by Jenika Snow
“It was me kissing you,” he says in a tense, slightly sarcastic voice.
I’ve wounded his ego.
I feel my face getting hot. No doubt it’s red. Things are awkward now, and this is why I’ve always kept my emotions and feelings to myself.
“I’ve got work to do,” he suddenly says and turns to leave. I find myself taking a step toward him, but he’s striding away, his steps fast, his pace angry. I know he’s humiliated, and although I don’t know what prompted him to kiss me, I want things to be the way they were. I want us to be the way we were.
What I don’t want is to screw up what we have and cross lines. I don’t want our friendship to be ruined because of passion. And even though I’m in love with Rowan, I don’t know if he will ever feel the same for me.
Because if I can’t have Rowan as mine, only mine, then I’ll settle for being his best friend. I won’t be happy if he’s not in my life.
Chapter 3
Rowan
If I’d known that kissing Marie would've made things awkward for us, I might’ve reconsidered. But who the fuck am I kidding? That kiss needed to happen. The thing is, I can handle the surprised and questioning look that registers on her face after my kiss, but not that other expression. It’s not a good one. It flashes in her eyes, then disappears almost as quickly. What is it? Disappointment? Regret? Whatever it is, all I know is I don’t want to be the guy who causes her any pain.
When Marie asks me what I’m doing and why I’m acting so strange, I decide I’ve fucked up the timing and just get back to work. She’s the last person on earth I’d ever want to let down.
Except, it’d be a hell of a lot easier if there wasn’t such a disconnect in her reactions.
Her words say no.
Her eyes say she’s not sure.
But her body? That’s another story. Her body says yes.
I could tell from the way her soft, full lips molded to mine, and how she held onto the back of my shirt, her fingers gripping fistfuls of fabric as she tugged me closer for the first few moments. And the way her heart raced during this scorcher of a kiss, beating so hard that I could feel it pound on my chest as she seemed to hold her breath during the entire time. Fuck, feeling the heat of her torso soften against mine, even if it was only for a short while, was pure bliss.
I know I crossed the line, but it was worth the risk.
She wants this.
She wants me.
And by crossing that line from being just friends to whatever this might turn into, I’ve also left her a little disoriented. A little off balance. No matter how her work days go, and no matter what Doc Trent’s agenda is, Marie’s mind is now on me, not him. I’ve put my mark on her. It’s like a brand that tells her, Doc Trent and everyone else that she is mine. The way I see it, my job is done.
For now, anyway.
Which is the reason my expression goes blank when I tell her I have work to do. It’s called giving her a little space, some time to catch her breath, a chance to let that kiss settle in so that her mind, heart and body can all catch up and come to agreement.
We usually talk every day, but I don’t see or hear from Marie until a few days later. She texts me late one evening after work, and the message is all business, so I keep my cool in my reply.
Marie: Hi. How’d your week go? Remember Lila? She’s back in town.
Me: Hey. That’s great. It’s been years, right?
Marie: It sure has. She just finished college and found a job out here.
Me: Good for her.
Marie: Do you have time to give me a hand and help her move into her new place sometime in the next few days?
Me: What’s in it for me?
Marie: Lol, a thank you.
Me: I was kidding. Of course, I’ll help. Whatever you need.
Marie: Good. You’d better be joking. Maybe she’ll spring for dinner and beer or something.
Me: That’s fine.
Marie: Thanks. Will fill you in on the details. Ttyl
Me: Later
I look down at out text conversation on my phone screen and shake my head. Marie’s the one acting strange now. We rarely talk by text, and she would never ask me for a favor this way. I just hope that kiss doesn’t fuck up our friendship.
But I have to wonder, if just a kiss has her behaving so differently, how will she react when I take it further? It’s bound to happen. Now that I’ve had a taste, it’s turned into a craving. It’s just a matter of time before I have all of her.
I breathe out a long breath as the horse ranch fades away in the rearview mirror of my old, beat-up pickup truck. It’s the first time in a long while that I’m leaving work this early in the afternoon. Usually, I take my lunch break around now, but today, Marie needs me. It's her friend Lila who actually needs help, but as Marie asked, I'm happy to oblige. Marie has been at Lila's new place all day. They just want a big strong friend like me to move some of the big boxes and to set up heavier pieces of furniture.
My pulse is racing when my truck rolls up to the driveway of the house Lila’s renting. And my chest starts to tighten when Marie shyly waves at me from the front door.
That kiss must've done as much to me as I'd intended for it to do for her. Seeing her now, I can't take my eyes off of her. The woman is fucking gorgeous. While the engine is still running, I take a second to admire her.
I've taken her for granted for far too long.
But not anymore. As soon as we're done helping her friend unpack, the second I have her alone, I'm telling Marie that she's mine.
I keep busy with the job of helping Marie's friend settle into her new place. I’m no stranger to hard work, and Marie knows that where my friends are concerned, I’ll do just about anything for the people closest to me. While they unpack and find the perfect places for Lila's things, I assemble bookshelves, put her living room furniture where she wants it, and set up her bed in the master bedroom.
It's smooth sailing until we sit down to dinner. At that point, it's fucking torture. Being this close to Marie, knowing how we left things hanging a few days ago, and without being able to touch her, I'll go insane any minute now. I lose track of the number of times I glance over at her and have to force myself to look away. It’s because every time I look across the table at Marie as she chats with Lila or playfully argues a point of conversation with me, I picture myself fucking her.
I can’t push away the image of setting her down on the table, her legs on either side of me, then wrapped around my waist as I fuck her sweet cunt. I’ve already covered up several carnal groans by coughing or clearing my throat, and once, I even cracked a joke to lighten my mood. Sure, they laughed at it, but it doesn’t do a thing for me. And no amount of fixing or adjusting the bulge in my pants has brought my cock under control. I’m hard as fuck.
I’m almost grateful for the distraction when someone knocks on the door. But that moment of relief quickly fades, soon to be replaced by the sudden incessant, aggressive pounding that causes both Lila and Marie to jump. By the sounds of it, it’s an unknown angry guy, someone who’s a smidgen away from all-out fury.
“Are you expecting anyone?” I ask Lila as I set down my napkin and get to my feet.
She shakes her head and stands. “I don’t think so. No. Unless it’s my mom, but… It can’t be her. She’d never knock like that. Plus I already gave her a spare key for emergencies.”
Lila sheepishly follows me. In my peripheral vision, I notice Marie at her side as I leave the dining room and head for the front door.
“Stay here,” I tell them. “Whoever it is, they couldn’t be in their right mind, showing up drunk and irate by the sounds of it.”
Bracing myself, I open the door to find one of Lila’s friends standing there. The shit the man starts to say is coming from left field. I barely know the son of a bitch and he has the nerve of accusing me of trying to steal Lila away from him. After some minor shoving at the front door, my instincts kick in. At the same time, anger and im
patience bubble to the surface. I can’t hold back when I hear myself shout, “What the fuck? Marie is the woman I want!” I push Logan away and he moves backward.
Marie comes out then, her hand covering her mouth, the shock clear in the way she holds herself. She’s probably just as surprised about our behavior as what I just said. It’s the first time I’ve ever admitted out loud that I want Marie.
The room grows silent as we all just stand there.
“Maybe we should go,” Marie says to me. “We should probably talk…about… things.”
Yeah, that was probably a good thing. “We will, but I’m not leaving your friend here with this asshole,” I say the words harshly, and Logan growls low, stepping closer to him, trying to appear threatening. “I don’t know what the fuck has gotten into you, man, but this is insanity.”
“Rowan, it’s fine. Logan is calm now.” Lila stares at Logan. “Isn’t that right, Logan? There’s not going to be any trouble, is there?”
“I don’t think I should leave,” I say again.
“Rowan, Logan has his shit together,” Marie says, but she sounds a bit unsure. Hell, I’m a bit unsure right now.
“I’m fine, seriously.” Lila exhales. “Logan, things are fine, right? This was just a misunderstanding.”
The room goes silent.
Finally I sigh and grab Marie’s hand. I stare at Logan. “I don’t know what the fuck has gotten into you, but chill the fuck out.” I walk past Lila but stop. “You need me, I’m waiting outside the door, okay?” Marie follows me out the front door to my pickup truck. We climb inside and are dead silent for a long while. After what feels like forever, Marie turns to me.
“I’m the woman you want?” she asks, crossing her arms. “I’ve been your close friend for a long time. A really long time, Rowan. Please just tell me why. What changed?”
Chapter 4
Marie
I stare at Rowan, waiting for him to respond, to give me some kind of indication on how we went from just friends to him declaring he wanted me to a total stranger. But he doesn’t say anything for long minutes, and instead stares straight ahead, out the windshield, his jaw tense. I can see a muscle tick under the skin and hear him grinding his teeth.
Frustration and confusion fills me. I want answers, but don’t want to push, don’t want him to shut me out any more than I can tell he has.
I turn away from him and stare at Lila’s house. Inside she’s with Logan, maybe fighting, maybe making up. Tonight has been like a soap opera in more ways than one. I face Rowan again, clenching my hands tightly in my lap, wondering how this will end.
How will this begin?
“Rowan?” I finally say. He doesn’t answer. “Rowan, look at me.” I press a little harder, needing to know what the hell is going on. We went from best friends to him kissing me to … this. “Talk to me,” I say, almost pleading, hoping he opens up. But for as long as I’ve known Rowan I know he can close up tight, that he can build a wall that is impenetrable.
Finally, he glances over at me. His expression is unreadable and I hate that, especially right now. I want him to tell me what’s going on, to talk to me. I want to tell him that I love him, that I’ve been in love with him for so many years it’s hard to tell when I didn’t have that emotion for him.
When we left the house and got in the truck I felt anger, rage over the fact that he thought he could just declare some kind of attachment to me after all these years, especially admitting it to Logan. Why can’t he talk to me? Why couldn’t he? I saw myself yelling at him, demanding to know what the hell he was talking about. But once in the car, feeling the air thick, tense and uncomfortable, all of that anger had vanished.
In its place was desperation to connect with him.
“Talk to me,” I whisper.
He exhales and rests against the seat, the leather making a soft sound as his body leans against it. Still he doesn’t say anything for long seconds, but I have all the time in the world.
“Yes, you are the one I want.” He looks at me, stares me right in the eyes. For the first time since all of this happened, since all this confusion took root, I finally see the vulnerable side of him.
I shake my head. “But why? Why now? Why this change? Why declare it to a man you don’t even know instead of telling me in private?” The whys come back to back, and I have no choice but to throw them at him. “You never looked at me as more than a friend.” I feel like I am on the verge of crying and I hate that.
He’s grinding his teeth again, and the expression he wears tells me this is just as hard for him as it is for me.
“There’s been no other women for me but you.”
The air in my lungs leaves me violently. “What?” I say, the confusion genuine, thick.
“Since I realized you’re the only one I want, that I care about you more than I probably deserve to, there’s been no other women for me.” He runs a hand over his face and stares out the front windshield again. He looks at me then. “I’ve always cared for you, always will. But the moment I realized that I didn’t just love you, that I was in love with you, no one else mattered.” He gives this humorless laugh and shakes his head. “And that’s what the kiss was back at the van a few days ago. I thought about you with the Doc, hated that, and got so fucking jealous. I didn’t know how to tell you how I felt, so I kissed you.” He closes his eyes. “I guess doing stupid shit is in my blood, Marie.”
Everything in me stills as I take in his words, let them absorb into every single part of me. At first elation fills me. I can’t believe he admitted that to me, that he loves me. That he’s in love with me. But as the seconds move by, as I really take in all he has said, I grow pissed. Really fucking pissed. I’m the one grinding my teeth now, feeling my face heat, no doubt beet red.
When I don’t say anything Rowan glances at me, that vulnerability still on his face. I find myself curling my hands into fists, my nails digging into my palms, the pain shooting up my arms.
“Marie?” It’s clear he can see how upset I am. “What’s wrong?”
I’m all but shaking now, unable to even pretend like I have my shit together. And without thinking, because all I can do is react from my emotions, I relax my hand, lift my arm, and slap him right across the cheek. It’s not that powerful, but it’s hard enough I know it probably stung him. My palm feels like needles are doing a jig on it.
“What the hell, Marie?” he says, his eyes wide, the shock on his face clear.
I clench my hand into a fist again and look away from him, trying to control myself, trying to regain a semblance of self-respect. When I face him again I feel calmer. “What the hell?” I say, repeating his words.
“Yeah,” he says as if truly stunned I’m not in his lap right now making out with him.
“You’ve known you cared for me for this long and haven’t said shit? You’ve let me go on thinking I shouldn’t express how I feel for you because I’d be crossing a line and jeopardizing our friendship.” I shake my head, not about to cry because I’m still so upset. “And then you kiss me, not because you can’t control your love for me, but because of jealousy?” I’m back to grinding my teeth again. At this point they’ll be ground to the gums.
“I-”
“No,” I say, cutting him off. “You’ve said plenty in the last week, believe me.” I turn my face to the passenger window and stare at Lila’s house. I don’t know how long we’ve been out here, but it seems like an eternity. “And then you tell some random friend of Lila’s that you want me instead of pulling me to the side and just being honest.” I feel a tear slip down my cheek and brush it away quickly.
“Marie…” he says my name softly. “Marie, look at me, sweetheart.” He says the latter a bit more firmly, and I finally face him, refusing to let him see how upset I am, that I shed a tear over this bullshit. He doesn’t say anything as he wipes away a tear that I hadn’t felt trekking down my cheek.
Dammit.
“I hurt you,” Rowan says.
I need time to think, to process all of this. And I need to do it without Rowan looking at me like I have just ripped his heart out.
Chapter 5
Rowan
I run my fingertips over the spot Marie slapped. The area of skin is still hot. That slap should've sobered me up, and maybe it did for a second, but not now. It takes me from apologetic and remorseful to aroused and voracious.
I want her more now, and my dick agrees.
“Are you sure you want to leave?” I ask.
“I'm sure.” Marie’s voice is brimming over with the pain I caused her. “I can't be here like this... not with you.”
Shit. I really fucked up this time. Shifting my legs on the leather seat, I try to meet her gaze. She won't look right at me. Her focus is forward, her expression stoic, her body stiff, and her side is pressed against the passenger door as if to get as far away from me as possible.
“I know you're upset, but can you look at me?” I reach over and lightly rest a hand on her shoulder.
She pushes me away and folds her arms under her breasts, but slowly, eventually meets my gaze. “What?”
“Listen, Marie. You have every right to be mad. I'm an insensitive prick. You're my best friend, so you know that already. So yes, sure, I probably deserve that smack across the face and more. But we should wait to make sure your friend and her guy have simmered down before we leave here. One thing I'm sure of is that you don't want anything to happen to her. I sure don't.”