A Shiver of Blue

by Everly Frost

  He wasn’t having any of it. He started to put me away. I pulled him back, my arms strong again.

  “What?” I challenged. “It’s okay for you to touch me, but it’s not okay for me to touch you?”

  His eyes became green slits as he placed one hand on each of my arms. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about.”

  “No,” I admitted. “I don’t, but I want it. Whatever it is, whatever that is, that thing I feel when you touch me, I want it.”

  He looked at me, his breath coming hard, and I could see the battle raging inside his head. His hands were still on my arms, holding me at will, but I was only inches away from him.

  When I lowered my eyes from his face, I was eye level with his chin. The pulse raced at the side of his throat. He was holding me so I couldn’t touch him with my hands, but I was resourceful, and my lips found a way.

  Dodging his chin, I tilted my head and kissed the underside of his jaw. He jumped, but I leaned into him and my mouth moved quicker than he could, nuzzling the edge of his jaw to his earlobe.

  “Caroline.”

  He squeezed his eyes shut. I felt a single, big breath draw into him.

  Then his arms slid around my back, one hand swept up across my shoulders, and he kissed me.

  Chapter 16

  I LOST MY sense of time, standing in that archway with Nathan’s lips on mine.

  The kiss that was at first soft and gentle became more, and I pressed closer to him. He stroked the back of my neck and I wanted him to wrap his hands in my hair. I wanted to rip the pins out and let my hair loose.

  Laughter floated down from the hall and he drew me away with a whisper. “Come with me.”

  He led me to the back of the shed. Right at the back, in the dim light of a single bulb, was an old cloakroom. It was clean and small, but empty other than the hanging racks, a bench, and a chair.

  Nathan grinned. “They’re all wearing their coats tonight.”

  I rubbed my arms as the warmth of his body left me.

  He gave me a crooked smile. “Caroline, I don’t believe it. You came with me. Why haven’t you pushed me away already?”

  “Because I’m not going to.”

  To prove my point, I closed the door and pulled the chair under the handle.

  He waited. The look on his face was scared, vulnerable, in stark contrast to his strength, but it didn’t stop me.

  I ran to him and kissed him, stretching up on tiptoes to reach his lips as my hands reached under his jacket, tugging and pulling on his shirt. When I touched his skin, my hands stayed for a moment, soaking up the feeling of his warmth. He crushed me to him, kissing me until I was dizzy and my knees were jelly.

  He held me tight. He whispered, “Caroline, if we do this, you can’t have a hair out of place. Do you understand? Because you’re going to have to go back in there afterwards and there’ll be trouble if anyone even suspects. Your family is…”

  I could hardly breathe, but I cut him off. “I know.”

  Then, as I stood there with my legs buckling and my head swimming with the scent and feel of him, I laughed. “But we don’t have to worry about your clothes being out of place.”

  I kissed him on his mouth and his cheeks and then under his chin. I tugged on his shirt buttons and pulled them apart, and I kissed his chest too, as he shut his eyes and let me. My hands touched every part of him I could reach, clothed or unclothed, and I reveled in this sense of freedom, my head filled with it. I wanted to do this in the sunlight, under an open sky, when I could see all of him and shed my own clothes.

  He caught my hands and held them in his. “Come here.”

  He pulled me over to the bench and sat me down. He kissed me gently in the dim light. His mouth trailed down my throat to the edge of my dress, and the breath caught in my throat. He never stayed in one place long. Not long enough to crush or mark my clothing.

  But my chest heaved and when his fingers brushed my inner thigh, I tugged at his clothes, perplexed for the first time. “I don’t know how to do this.”

  “Wait, no.” He stopped me. He looked me straight in the eye. “Let’s take this slow.”

  “But—”

  “Listen. We have all the time in the world. That can wait.”

  After that, I spiraled, and the entire world was him and me.

  I bit my lip. He smiled at me.

  All I wanted was to stay with his arms around me. He straightened my dress with extreme care, checking the minute details until I shooed his hands away and pulled him back to me.

  In my haze, my mouth moved before I thought. “You must have been in love before.”

  He pulled back a bit. “Why do you say that?”

  “Well, because people do this when they’re in love, don’t they? How else would you know so much about it?”

  He turned his face into the shadows. “I grew up rough, Caroline. And… people have lots of reasons for doing this, and most of them don’t involve love.” He shrugged at my questioning look. “Greed, lust, obligation, even hate, you name it.”

  “Well, I’m not going to do that with anyone I don’t love.” I looked at him with all the fierceness of my heart bared before him.

  “Caroline, do you… are you trying to tell me…”

  “That I love you, yes. I don’t know what else this could be. I want to be where you are. I’m happy when I’m with you; I feel like myself. I’m not scared or worried, and when you touch me I feel… safe.”

  There is no other me. There is no shadow outside me, trying to get in. “That’s love, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah,” he said, with a crooked smile. “Sounds like it.”

  “But you don’t love me.”

  “Caroline, what I feel for you right now goes way beyond love.”

  I wanted to know more, but he stopped my mouth with his own, kissing me until I was dizzy.

  I slid inside the hall, worried that I’d been missed, but nobody came looking for me until everyone started to leave.

  “Caroline, there you are.” Alice beamed while Rebecca glowed at her side.

  Rebecca’s young man stood at a polite distance behind them, his sister at his side. What was his name? I was sure I’d find out on the way home.

  It took a long time for all the guests to leave, all of them congratulating Alice and Dad on the wonderful evening. I couldn’t help but smile in the background.

  When we finally went outside, I caught Nathan’s eyes as he drove the SUV up to the door for us. He returned my gaze with a wolfish grin. I ducked my head and climbed into the car, feeling like nothing could dampen my mood.

  By the time we arrived back at the house, Alice and Rebecca had stopped dissecting the evening and chatting about the boy with the red hair—Toby McKenzie—and descended into welcome silence. Timothy snored gently. I shook him awake.

  “What? Huh? Oh, we’re home.”

  I floated into the house to find everyone else disappearing upstairs to bed, but I paused at the bottom step as I noticed light coming from inside the house. I padded toward it and pushed open the door to the living room, surprised to see the old fireplace lit.

  Someone sat hidden in the armchair. A hand rested at the side, clenched into a fist.

  “Have you ever wondered how old I am?”

  The flames roared in the fireplace, casting deep shadows around the stifling room. I moved to the front of the chair. “Edith?”

  The pearls around her throat caught the light. She didn’t look at me. Instead, she stared into the flames, her cheeks bright red. “Have you ever wondered how old I am?”

  I didn’t know what she wanted me to say, so I shook my head.

  “Of course, you haven’t. I’m just your older sister. I’m supposed to be responsible for you. Take care of this, take care of that.”

  I dared a guess. “You’re three, maybe four, years older than Rebecca.”

  She gave me a piercing look and her jaw ticked, a flicker of movement beside her mouth. “Haven’t y
ou ever wondered why we don’t celebrate my birthday?”

  I shuffled. “We don’t celebrate anyone’s birthday. Well, we never used to. Maybe now that Alice is here…”

  I stopped speaking, because I knew that although there were never any official birthday celebrations, we’d always done something nice for each other to mark the day, even if it was just doing the other person’s chores. But that tradition had never included Edith.

  I didn’t even know what day her birthday was, but how could I ask her without heaping shame on myself?

  I flushed. The fire was hot.

  Edith pushed herself from the chair, snatched up another log, and threw it onto the flames. Sparks flew out past the grating.

  “Edith, the fire’s big enough already.”

  “No, it will never be big enough.” She mused as she stared into the flames. “Isn’t it funny how we’re drawn to the things that we fear.”

  “I’m sorry, Edith.”

  Her mouth worked over, as though she were chewing words to spit at me. I didn’t realize until my foot touched the rug behind me that I’d taken a step back. I promised myself I would ask Rebecca the date. I vowed we would do something nice for Edith.

  But then she hissed. “It was today, Caroline.”

  I stood frozen with my stomach in my toes.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

  I backed up and fled.

  There was a growl in my ear as I slept.

  I awoke, clawing and striking out at the darkness next to my bed. I wanted to grab that animal, find those teeth, and rip its jaws apart. I heaved out of my sweat-filled bed, sure that it was right beside me, but there was no beast lolling at my bedside and scuffling on the rug.

  But I had heard something.

  I crept over to the window, leaned forward, and caught the flicker of movement outside, way down below.

  I almost crumpled with relief when I saw that it was Timothy, rugged up in a coat, heading away from the house. Judging by the eerie darkness, it was still an hour before dawn. What was he doing, heading out?

  He faltered as a howl sounded across the paddocks.

  I listened to it echo and fade, hoping it was one of the cattle dogs.

  Below, Timothy shoved a hat on his head and kept walking. He strode beyond the stables and after that he was swallowed in the dark. No doubt, Dad was out there, somewhere, and Timothy had been called out to help. I hoped there were no more dead calves.

  My teeth chattered and my breath frosted up the windowpane. I raced back to bed to hide under the covers until dawn broke and Victoria came to wake me.

  She was even paler this morning and her fingers were so icy that I recoiled when she touched me.

  “I’m sorry, Miss Caroline. I don’t have good circulation.”

  I gritted my teeth as she dressed me. “Is your room warm enough? Do you have a heater in it?”

  Her fingers jumped. “Your family has been very kind to us, miss.”

  I grabbed her hand and touched the thin cardigan encircling her arm. “You aren’t dressed warmly enough.” I met her eyes. “Does my aunt arrange for you to get new clothes, or did you bring your own?”

  “Our clothing is never discussed, except that we are to be neat and proper.”

  “Well, then. If there’s money for fancy shoes, there’s money for a decent wool cardigan.” I set my jaw, making a note to demand warm clothing for the staff that morning. “In the meantime, you can have this.”

  I went to the dresser and pulled out my warmest jacket.

  She peddled backward. “Miss Caroline…”

  “I have three,” I said. “There was a time when I didn’t have one. I don’t need three.”

  She took it and pulled it on straight away.

  I smiled with satisfaction and sat down again. “What’s in store for me today?”

  A rare smile ghosted around her mouth, color returning to her cheeks. “Mrs. Drew is preparing cupcakes, rich tortes, and fancy sandwiches for some kind of morning tea, and we’ve been told to expect a small party of guests. Your aunt wanted to have the garden seating cleaned, and Robert, um, I mean, Mr. West, said that it was a nice time of year because the flowers are really blooming now. I’ve been told to dress you in your blue dress this morning, Miss Caroline.”

  It was the most she’d ever spoken to me. I smiled. “Thanks, Victoria.”

  I stopped her before she left. “I don’t suppose you heard whether there were any problems in the night?”

  “I’m sorry, miss?”

  “I saw my brother heading out early and I wondered if maybe there’d been another attack on the calves?”

  The color fled her cheeks again. “No, Miss Caroline, not that I’m aware of.”

  She curtsied and left.

  Chapter 17

  I POPPED A little cake into my mouth and pretended to be enthralled by an older lady’s story of how she’d recently bought a certain priceless tea set. By engaging myself like that for the last hour, I’d succeeded in avoiding any direct contact with Kenneth Buckland, but my options were getting slimmer.

  He detached himself from conversation with the McKenzies and headed in my direction.

  “Oh no.” I gasped at my companion, gesturing at my dress in exaggerated distress. “I think I’ve spilled my tea. Please excuse me.”

  I wasn’t quick enough. Kenneth caught my arm and I was forced to freeze.

  “Caroline. Would you walk around the garden with me?”

  The older lady smiled at us. I imagined her thinking about sweet, young love.

  “Sure.” How quickly could I get him to let go of my arm?

  There wasn’t much of a garden at the side of the house, and I wasn’t sure how many times we could circle around it before it all got a bit ridiculous. He waited until we were opposite the main group, furthest away from listening ears.

  “You really are very elusive, Caroline.”

  “Am I? I don’t mean to be.” Are all relationships based around lies? “There are a lot of people I have to meet and talk to.”

  “You’re a very dedicated hostess.” He wore that same twisted smile I saw the first time we met. “But there’s one person you’ve been ignoring.”

  “Oh?”

  He patted my arm, but his fingers lingered.

  Instead of circling the side garden as I’d expected, he directed us around the corner of the house and out to the back, along the path near the old cherry tree and Robert’s new gardening shed. I suddenly realized that everyone else was too far away to see us. I shuffled and wriggled my toes in the confines of my blue heels, wondering how I could turn us around and back to the group.

  “Caroline,” Kenneth said, taking one of my hands. “I would very much like to get to know you better, while we’re here.”

  “Oh. Get to know me better…”

  “Yes. I think our fathers would be very happy if we started dating.”

  I tried to think of a way to put him off, but he pulled my hand closer to his chest and covered it with his other hand.

  “I guess they might be. But I’m just not ready for that yet.”

  “Not ready?” He laughed. “My sister’s your age and she lost it years ago.”

  “Lost what?” I blinked as his words sank in. A burn spread across my face. Did he mean…?

  He moved closer to me and captured my other hand.

  I froze as he bent and dropped a light kiss on my lips. It was nothing like Nathan’s kisses. There was no warmth in it, but, right before he broke contact, I felt the tip of his tongue touch my lower lip. My mouth parted in shock.

  He drew back with a frown. His hand tightened on mine as he studied my face.

  “They lied to me.” His words were a dangerous whisper. “I was led to believe that you’d never had a boyfriend.”

  The wrong kind of shivers ran to my toes. “What do you mean?”

  “That wasn’t your first kiss, was it? The way you reacted…”

  “What are you t
alking about?” I shrank from him, but then my inner nature sparked. “How would you know, anyway?”

  “I’ve been around.” He stroked the hair away from the base of my neck, pulled me up against him, and nuzzled my neck.

  I struggled, pushing at him. “Let me go!”

  He jerked back, grabbed my face in both his hands, and held me in an iron vice. “Not until I’ve done what I want.”

  Nobody could see us. He’d pulled me into a spot where we were totally alone.

  My voice was squished, squeezed with fear, but I managed to hiss at him. “I know you only want our money. As soon as my father knows, he’ll ruin your family. Get off me! Get away from me!”

  I shoved him as hard as I could. He stumbled but kept his balance, swinging back at me, his hands formed into fists.

  I wished for something to defend myself. I wished for riding boots, because they would hurt. I wished for bigger hands, because they would do more damage. I wished for sharp teeth of my own—my own shadow dagger…

  Someone ran toward us. Over Kenneth’s shoulder, Nathan raced in a blur and in an instant he was between us.

  “Get away from her! Or I’ll beat you to a pulp.”

  Kenneth charged, but Nathan knocked him to the ground, flinging him backward with a shove to the chest.

  Nathan strode over to Kenneth as he lay in the grass.

  Kenneth’s lip curled. “So it’s you, is it?”

  Nathan advanced on him, stopped, and said, “Come near her again and I will kill you.”

  All the blood left Kenneth’s face.

  He scooted backward, made it to his feet, and brushed off his clothes. He spat at Nathan and sauntered off.

  Nathan waited a moment, watching until Kenneth was gone. Then he turned to me and gathered me up in his arms.

  “Nathan.”

  “I’m sorry it took me so long to get here. I saw him kiss you but I thought it wasn’t my place to stop him. He’s one of you and you’re not mine. But then he grabbed you…”

  “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

  “You’re shaking so hard you’re going to knock us both down.” He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight. “I wish I could take you away from here. But that isn’t going to help you. You have to find your aunt and tell her what happened. Then she can make them leave. She’ll find a way without causing problems for your Dad.”