To Probe A Beating Heart

by Wren, John B

  “Sshhh, careful,” cautioned the voice, “careful.”

  “What was that?” said the boy.

  “I don’t know” said Charlotte, “a squirrel or something.”

  Averell crept back to his window and into his room. He closed the screen and straightened the curtains and got back into bed, under the covers. He mumbled, “Safe!, I am safe.” He lay there awake for a while saying “Safe, I’m safe.” After about a half an hour he fell asleep, still hearing the noises in the other room. He woke when he heard the shower running and thought that Ellie had come home. Then he heard Charlotte say to her boyfriend, “Donnie, go downstairs and turn on the TV, I’ll be there in a minute.”

  “Okay.”He lumbered down the stairs, with his shoes in hand and his hair sticking out in all directions. He was still thinking of the last hour and he smiled as he turned on the television, sat on the couch and tried to straighten his hair. It was a losing effort and Donnie settled for his baseball cap to hold his mop in place. He tucked in his shirt and started to tie his shoes when Charlotte joined him. They were in front of the television when Ellie returned around midnight. She paid Charlotte the usual rate and was about to give the extra ten when Charlotte said, “No, we’re even tonight.” They looked at each other and smiled at the thought. Charlotte ran out to her boyfriend’s car. Ellie thought “she’s sixteen, older than I was when Allen and I first.” She went upstairs and turned on the shower, noting the damp towel and spray in the shower stall. She laughed out loud as she undressed and stepped into the shower. Averell was listening and opened his door to look. Hearing the shower, he went into the hallway and noticed the door to the bathroom was open enough to see in. Through the frosted glass of the shower stall he could see Ellie standing in the stream of water. Her back was toward the door and she could not see Averell. He watched as she stood motionless and let the water run over her for what seemed like a very long time. Then as Ellie reached to turn off the shower, Averell crept back to his room, closed the door and crawled into bed. About five minutes later Averell heard Ellie go into her room and close the door. He got out of his bed and crouched in the corner. “Why did she stand there in the shower so long?”

  “Why?”

  Steve returned in the morning, went into the bathroom and stood in the shower like Ellie did, letting the water run over him for about five minutes. He dressed and headed out to work. He said nothing to Ellie and gave Averell a look that sort of said, “you’re stuck here, I'm not.”

  Over the next two weeks, Steve began to gather his things in boxes and load them in his truck. Each trip to work took him to an apartment on the other side of town where the boxes were deposited. Ellie was aware of the slow secretive moves, but said nothing. The time he spent in the house was uncomfortable for everybody. There was little to no conversation. Stares and short slighting comments were the rule of the day. Ellie slept in the bedroom and Steve spent nights on the living room couch. Sarah was constantly with Ellie and Averell hung around Steve. When Ellie was not around, Averell asked Steve questions about the words he had heard.

  Steve had nothing to gain or lose and answered the inquiries with the best information he had.

  “Romania is a country in Europe, where you were born. I don’t know the name of the town. Your name used to be Stelian Lupasco before Allen and your mom adopted you and brought you here to America.”

  “Why do you stand in the shower for a long time?”

  “To wash away my sins you little brat.”

  “Stelian?” said the voice.

  “That’s all that I’m going to tell you, now get away from me.”

  This was not what Averell expected. He took the information and sat in his corner trying to figure it out.

  “Why would his real mom let someone else take him?”

  “Was he a bad baby and nobody wanted him?”

  “Bad baby,” repeated the voice.

  “Was his real mom still in Romania?”

  “Who was his real father?”

  “Did he have any brothers or sisters?”

  “What’s a sin?”

  “Sin?”

  The questions kept coming to his young mind. Questions but no answers, only maybes. He wanted to learn more and at the same time he did not want to know. He was not sure what he wanted. Confusion, and no one for him to talk to. Averell sat in his corner and muttered the words again, “Damn it, bastard, adoption, Romania, Stelian, sin.”

  And the voice added, “Damn it, damn it, sin.”

  Steve had moved everything that he wanted to take or thought he could take and approached Ellie. “This ain’t workin’ out and I don’t want to be here no more.”

  “So, leave, nobody’s stopping you. There’s the door, use it.” Ellie was holding on to Sarah in a way that seemed to say, “she’s mine and you can’t have her.”

  Their voices grew louder and Averell went to his room and closed the door. He could still hear the argument and went out on the garage roof. After a while he heard the side door open and Steve came out, still grumbling. He took his keys out of his pocket and got into his truck. He sat there for a minute and took a key off the ring and threw it on the ground, spit at it, started his truck, backed out the driveway and drove away. Averell went over to the tree and climbed down to the ground, walked over to the driveway and looked to see what Steve threw away. The light from a kitchen window reflected off something and Averell picked up the key. He stood there thinking. He put the key in his pocket and climbed on the garbage can, to the tree, the roof and back into his room. He sat in his corner again and added a new word to his list, “damn it, bastard, sin, key, Romania, adoption.”

  “What should I do?”

  “Keep the key,” answered the voice.

  “Who said that?” The voice was strangely familiar, but no one was there in his room but him.

  “You don’t know?” said the voice.

  “No!”

  “You can call me, Stelian.”

  “Where are you, I can’t see you.”

  “You don’t have to see me, no one can see me and only you can hear me. I am where ever you are, I’m inside you,” said Stelian, the voice.

  Averell was scared, this did not make any sense. He got up and went down stairs and into the living room where Ellie was watching television with Sarah.

  “Can I watch?”

  “Yeah, but stay quiet, I want to see this.”

  Averell sat there until he was sleepy and had difficulty keeping his eyes open. Ellie was engrossed in her program and hardly noticed Averell getting up and going to bed. The next few days were unusually quiet around the house, Averell went to school each day, came home and stayed relatively close to Ellie or Sarah. No more voices, no more fear. He started to relax. He went to his room and read or played by himself again.

  * * *

  CHAPTER FIVE

  We got new neighbors . . .

  The summer passed and the new school year began. Averell was now in the third grade, he was eight and feeling a little independent. He wanted to try new things, to do the things he had only thought about before. He wanted to play baseball. Unfortunately, Averell did not develop physically as others did. He was shorter than most and not very strong. He wanted to be like other boys. The sport that was least demanding in size seemed to be baseball. Unfortunately, he couldn’t catch a beach ball much less a baseball and when he tried throwing stones, he couldn’t hit anything. Baseball was probably a bad idea. He would think about other sports, perhaps soccer.

  Several weeks passed without incident and Averell was feeling comfortable, feeling safe again. Then the phone call came. Ellie had gone to a lawyer and was going to sue Steve for support after abandoning his family. Steve called to argue the point. The conversation started out loud and grew vicious. Ellie hurling crude insults at Steve and him returning the onslaught in like manner. The battle raged for about fifteen minutes when Averell bolted from the room. As he could hear Ellie’s continued screaming from his ro
om he wanted to be farther away. He could feel his world collapsing around him and wanted to get out of the house. He was in his room and went out the window to the roof, then to the ground and down the street to a large wooded area two blocks from his house. No longer could he hear the fighting, now he heard the birds calling each other. This was so much nicer, he wanted to stay and not go home.

  Averell had never been in the woods and was a little tentative. The trees were tall and seemingly close together. As he went into the woods, he could see small openings where the sun broke through and areas that were mostly bushes. He quietly walked deeper into the woods looking back periodically to see where he had been. The woods covered more ground than he thought they did. He had only seen them from the street and did not realize that they covered a fourteen acre plot that was a farm years before and had been left untouched since the farmer went off to war in the forties. The farmer never returned, his family moved away and left the land to nature. Averell was looking for a place to sit down to think when he heard voices. He was in a heavy bush growth and could see an opening ahead. The voices were getting louder and easier to understand. It sounded like several boys, maybe his age, but best be safe, look first then he might talk to them and join them. He was getting closer, he crept a little lower, hiding his presence. He approached but stayed hidden. He laid down on the ground and looked through the leaves and could see four boys. He recognized them from school, they were older than him, and not the nicest group of kids. Averell was eight, these boys were at least ten and one of them was twelve, he was in the eighth grade. He stayed quiet and listened. He had a bit of difficulty understanding what was being said and caught most of the words they spoke. Mostly words he was not allowed to say and even though Steve said them a lot as did Ellie, they were not words

  for children. The boys finally got up to go home.

  “I got a load of homework to do and my dad wants me to cut the

  grass,” said George.

  “Yeah, I got the same homework and it’s gonna’ take me all day and night to get it done,” said Tom.

  “That’s ‘cause you’re a dummy and you’ll probably have to get your little sister to help you,” said Frank, the oldest one.

  “Hey up yours, jerk,” said Tom.

  They all laughed and started to run through the woods in the same

  direction that Averell had come in. Averell got up and walked out of the woods. He walked home and went in through the kitchen. Ellie was in the living room watching television when she spotted Averell. “I called you five minutes ago, where the hell were you?”

  “I was outside.”

  “Get the table ready for dinner.”

  “It’s early.”

  “I said set the damn table, you and Sarah are going to eat and I’m

  going out.”

  “Okay.”

  Once again Averell was safe, nobody knew about his going out, about going to the woods, about watching the older boys. Over the next few weeks, Averell went to the woods more frequently and watched and listened. He heard a lot of words that were not for children his age, and probably not for the older boys either.

  When the weather turned cold and rain came every few days, Averell avoided the woods. It stayed damp and he did not like that. He had several new books and was content to stay at home and read or play by himself. Ellie frequently took Sarah out to the store or to visit a friend, but Averell was not brought along. He was left home, alone.

  The weather was interesting and while watching the rain one day in October of 1976, the next door neighbors moved away. A large green truck with the words ‘Armstrong Movers’ in white lettering on the side was parked in front of the house all day as the movers carried furniture and box after box out to the truck. Averell was curious and began to wonder who might move in. The answer came a week later on one of the few pleasant October days that year. Another truck, this one blue with red lettering, “Wellington Movers” across the side, parked in the same place as the other had and the movers carried furniture and boxes back into the house. Averell sat on the front porch and watched the activity. As he watched a car pulled into the driveway, the new neighbors had arrived. Averell notice the two girls, younger than him and a boy, who looked older, maybe a year or two older than himself. The girls were giddy and ran into the house to see their new home. The boy walked slowly toward the house until he saw Averell. He waved, Averell returned the wave.

  “Hi, my name’s Jimmy, we’re movin’ in today.” Jimmy was a few inches taller than Averell, had short dark hair, quick blue eyes and a smile that made you feel at ease immediately. He did not hesitate to approach Averell as if he had made friends this way many times before. His voice was confident but not overwhelming and engaged in conversation at his new companion’s level.

  “I’m Averell, I live here.”

  “What kinda’ name is Averell, never heard it b’fore?”

  “It’s a name, just a name.”

  “Oh yeah, well all names mean something. My name means somebody who takes things.”

  “Oh yeah, that’s not very nice.”

  “Yeah, I know, I guess I’m not a nice guy. We should look up your name, see what it says.”

  “Yeah, maybe I take things too.”

  The two boys looked at each other and laughed.

  Jimmy spoke first, “You’re funny. Wanna’ see my new house?”

  “Sure.”

  Averell had never been in that house, he had watched the people who lived there sometimes, and wondered what it was like inside. They walked in the front door dodging the movers as they crossed the threshold. The floors were without carpet, polished to a high shine and the walls were all freshly painted an off white. The overhead molding and baseboards were all a natural varnished dark wood, probably walnut and the house was similar to Averell’s in size and room configuration. Jimmy led him to an empty room on the second floor that he said was going to be his.

  “I get my own room cause I’m the only boy, my sisters hav’ta share a room. What about you, you got yer own room?”

  “Yeah, I have a little sister and she has her own room too.”

  “That’s cool.”

  They sat in Jimmy’s empty room and talked about moving and trucks. Jimmy was a nice guy, kind of big for his age, which happened to be the same as Averell’s. Jimmy liked baseball and his dad had encouraged him to try all sports. So he planned to check out the basketball team when he started school. Time passed quickly and Averell lost track. He heard his mother calling him and he assumed it must be about dinner time, and she wanted him to set the table.

  “That’s my mom, I gotta’ go.”

  “Okay, see ya in the morning for school. You can show me around.”

  “Yeah, okay, sure, bye.”

  “Yeah, bye.”

  Averell ran home. “I’m home.”

  “Where have you been?” asked Ellie as she opened an envelope. It was the first of her new alimony checks from Steve. The amount looked right, she had gone after more than Allen had been paying, and she got it.

  “We got new neighbors, and there’s this kid, he’s my age, and he’s a nice guy, and I’m gonna’ show him around school tomorrow.”

  “That’s nice, now set the damn table.”

  After dinner, Averell looked out the window wondering about his new friend. Maybe he could show Averell how to play baseball. He was excited. Happy.

  In the morning, Averell met Jimmy out front and they walked up the street toward the school. When they arrived, Jimmy had to go to the office and get all signed up. “I’ll see you later, maybe in a classroom if I get through the office stuff.”

  “Okay, I’ll be in the cafeteria at 11:45.”

  “Is that the regular lunch time?”

  “It is for our grade, up through fourth, the older kids eat after us at 12:15.”

  At lunchtime, Jimmy came into the cafeteria and spotted Averell.

  “Hey, I go to the next class, you can show me the way.�
�

  “Sure.” Averell was feeling very good, very proud.

  Jimmy was too late to sign up on the basketball team and he did not want to start football for another few years. So the fall and winter passed with the two boys getting along, doing homework together and earning a few dollars shoveling snow. Averell was at the top of the world.

  Spring came and so did the baseball tryouts. Jimmy started practicing with a tennis ball, bouncing it off his garage door and catching it in his glove. Averell tried, using Jimmy’s glove, but he was not very good at catching, and his throwing was even worse. When the tryouts started, Jimmy was a natural at either short stop or third and he was able to pitch, but he preferred third. His slot on a team was a no brainer, the kid was good, able to fill several slots and better than any of the others. Averell on the other hand was terrible and was laughed at by the other boys.

  “Hey, cool it, he’s tryin’” barked Jimmy, “more than some of you.”

  The coaches liked Jimmy’s attitude and his standing up for a friend.

  “The kid is good, young, but good. Like his command over the others.

  We got us a leader” said the pitching coach.

  “Agreed, let’s give him an ‘A’ on his shirt and see if it turns into a ‘C’ on next year’s team,” said the head coach.

  The whole staff concurred. Jimmy was a leader and, unfortunately his friend was not and more so, not very good at throwing, catching, running, baseball was not his game.“

  This Averell kid is Jimmy’s friend and it would be good if he was

  involved, but, well y’all have seen him he’s terrible,” said the head coach.

  One of the assistants offered, “We can’t say that, maybe this Averell could be a manager, take care of the equipment.”

  “You think he would go for that, I mean most kids think that they

  should be starters, and anything less, well they get pissy and some even cry ‘cause they aren’t going to be the next Mickey Mantle,” said the coach.

  “Let’s set the team and then ask this Averell if he wants the manager’s job, if he takes it we minimize the damage, if he says no, then at least we tried, what else can we do?”