by Alan Reed
You’d left your door open.
It was summer and hot out, you needed to leave your door open.
I crept up the stairs and I looked into your room. I stood with my hands against the door frame and one eye peeping in at you.
You were sitting in the middle of the room with your puppets. You had one dangling from each hand. They were moving. I had never seen anything like it before. They were just puppets. They shouldn’t have been anything special. But I had never really seen puppets before. Not standing right in front of me, moving.
I laughed.
You heard me and you stopped. I didn’t want you to stop. I didn’t want you to drop the puppets. It was horrible to see them go limp. It was like they were dead. I said, Please. Don’t stop. You wouldn’t look at me. You looked like you wanted to hide.
I said, Please.
One of the puppets jerked its head. It started to stand up. It bent down to help the other one. I laughed again. I stood in the doorway and I clapped my hands and I laughed.
I sat and I watched you until it was dark. I went home and I had to explain where I had been. I lied. And I came back. Again and again, I came back.
You touched me, eventually.
You’re just a boy, there’s nothing special about you. Nothing. Just that I wanted you. I don’t know why I did, I don’t know if there was a reason or if it just happened. I don’t know if that’s enough of a reason. I wanted you. I started to realize that I wanted you. That was all. I wanted to touch you.
I’m trying to remember you. We touched each other. I don’t know if it means anything. I want it to. I don’t know if that’s enough.
I need it to. I’m sitting on your bed now. I need it to mean something. I’m not strong enough, Emile. It’s stupid. I feel so stupid. I don’t know how long I can do this.
I need to be stronger than this.
I am sitting on your bed. You touched me here. We stood close to each other and you looked at me. I took your hand. I put your hand on my face.
It has to mean something that you touched me. I need to make it mean something. I’m going to go to bed now, Emile. I have to be up early, I need to go to sleep.
I don’t want to. I hate the feeling of my body sinking into this place. But I’m so tired. I need to sleep.
Where are you?
9
Nicolas and Emile are sitting on a streetcar.
Emile is sitting next to the window. He is looking at the window.
He does not see the things going by. He is not looking at them. There are cracks in the window. He is looking at them.
Nicolas is sitting beside him. He is looking at the people in the streetcar. He is trying to catch someone’s eye. He does not care whose. He looks at the other people in the streetcar. He tries to make one of them look at him.
No one in the streetcar wants to look at him. He tries anyway. He thinks it is fun. The other people in the streetcar do not. The streetcar is moving. It rocks from side to side as it moves.
Nicolas and Emile are sitting beside each other. The streetcar is moving. Nicolas taps Emile’s leg. Emile looks at Nicolas.
Nicolas says: ‘Come on.’
Nicolas stands up. He walks through the streetcar to where the doors are. There are other people standing in the streetcar. Nicolas walks past them. He goes to where the doors are.
Emile follows him. Emile holds on to the backs of the seats as he walks. The streetcar is still moving. He is afraid he will stumble.
The streetcar stops. Nicolas and Emile get off the streetcar.
They are standing on a corner. They walk down the street and then they turn onto another street. They walk down this street.
They stop.
Nicolas looks at Emile. He smiles. He says: ‘Are you ready?’
Emile nods his head.
They are standing in front of a door. It is between two shops. On one side is a shop that sells magazines. On the other side is a tailor’s shop.
Both of the shops are closed. There are bars over their windows. It is late in the evening. They will be open again in the morning.
There is a doorbell beside the door. Nicolas presses the doorbell. He presses it and then he leans against the door frame.
He puts one of his hands in his pockets. He cannot put his other hand in his pocket. He is carrying something in a paper bag.
Emile’s hands are already in his pockets. They stand in front of the door.
They wait.
They hear someone coming down the stairs on the other side of the door. Emile fidgets with his cap. The door opens. Agatha is standing in the doorway.
She says: ‘Well. Hello.’
She moves so that she is leaning against the door. She says: ‘Come in.’
Nicolas and Emile squeeze past Agatha. She is wearing a red dress. It is a short red dress. Her legs are bare.
Agatha closes the door. Nicolas and Emile are standing with her at the bottom of a staircase.
She touches the small of Emile’s back with her hand. She presses there.
She says: ‘Come on up, you two.’
Emile moves forward when Agatha touches him. He starts to walk up the stairs. Agatha is behind him. She guides him with her hand.
Nicolas smiles. He shakes his head. He follows them up the stairs.
Agatha’s apartment is at the top of the stairs.
Agatha is at the top of the stairs. Nicolas and Emile are standing with her. She smiles to them. It is a wolfish smile. She opens the door. Nicolas and Emile go in.
There are other people in the apartment. There are a lot of other people in the apartment. There is music playing.
Agatha is having a party.
Nicolas and Emile take their jackets off. They look for a place to put them.
They are standing by the door. Someone bumps into Nicolas. She almost spills her drink on him. She says: ‘Excuse me.’
Agatha looks at Nicolas and Emile. They are holding their jackets in their hands. They look like they do not know what to do with them. Agatha says: ‘Put them in the bedroom.’
She points to where the bedroom is.
Nicolas and Emile go into Agatha’s bedroom. It is not a large room. There is a large bed in it. There are coats piled on top of the bed. The room smells like cigarette smoke and Agatha’s perfume.
They look around the room. There is a vanity table in the room. It is a table with a mirror on it. Some of Agatha’s makeup is still out on the table.
Nicolas puts his coat on the bed and then Emile puts his coat on the bed.
They leave the room.
Agatha is waiting for them. She walks towards them. She sways when she does. She puts her arms around Nicolas’s shoulders.
She says: ‘Hello, Nicolas.’
Nicolas kisses her on the cheek. She says: ‘It’s good to see you away from the bar.’ She smiles. She says: ‘Now, if only we could get you painting again.’
She lets go of Nicolas. She turns towards Emile.
She says: ‘Hello, you.’
She reaches towards him. She puts her arms around him. She steps closer to him. She says: ‘I haven’t seen you in ages.’
She kisses him on the cheek. She puts her cheek close to his mouth. She waits for him to kiss her.
Emile kisses her on the cheek.
She says: ‘Have you been keeping busy?’
Emile says: ‘Yes.’
She says: ‘You must tell me what you’ve been up to.’
She walks away.
Nicolas and Emile are standing in the door to Agatha’s bedroom.
Nicolas is holding a bottle of wine. It was in the paper bag he had with him. There are people standing around them. They are talking. It is loud. Nicolas says: ‘Let’s find some glasses.’
Nicolas and Emile go towards the kitchen.
The people standing around them are between them and the kitchen. The people are standing very close together. They are talking to each other. Some of them are wearing black. So
me of them are dressed in very bright colours. Nicolas and Emile have to squeeze between them.
They squeeze between them. They get to the other side of the room. They go down a hallway. There is a door at the end of the hallway. They go through the door. They are in the kitchen.
There are more people in the kitchen. They are standing. They are dressed like the people in the other room. They are talking to each other.
Nicolas and Emile go to where the kitchen table is. There are glasses and bottles of wine on the table. Some of the glasses are wineglasses and others are ordinary glasses. They are empty.
There is a corkscrew on the table. It is with the glasses. Nicolas picks out two glasses. He opens the bottle of wine he is carrying. He pours wine into the two glasses.
He gives Emile one of the glasses. He takes the other one for himself. He says: ‘Cheers.’
Nicolas and Emile touch their glasses together. They move away from the table. They do not move very far. They cannot move very far. There are too many people in the kitchen. They are still standing near the table with the bottles of wine on it.
Agatha is also in the kitchen. She came in while Nicolas was opening the bottle.
She has a glass in her hand. It is half full of something. It is a dark liquid. She is talking to someone. He is wearing a black shirt. There are too many buttons undone on his shirt. He is trying to stand too close to her.
Agatha tips her glass up. She drinks what is left in it. She smiles to the man trying to talk to her. She walks away from him.
She walks over to the table with the bottles of wine on it.
Nicolas and Emile are still standing beside the table with the bottles of wine on it. Agatha leans up against Nicolas. She says: ‘Pour me a glass, bartender.’
Nicolas takes her glass. He fills it with wine. He gives it back to her.
She says: ‘Emile.’ She rests her hand on his arm. She says: ‘Tell me what you’re working on.’
Emile looks at Nicolas. Nicolas winks at him. He walks away from the table. There are other people in the kitchen. He goes to talk to them.
Agatha plucks at Emile’s shirt with her fingers. She says: ‘Tell me, Emile.’
Emile is holding on to his glass of wine.
He clears his throat.
He says: ‘I have two puppets.’ He clears his throat again. He is not looking at Agatha.
He says: ‘They are in my bedroom.’
He is holding on to his glass of wine. Agatha leans in closer. She smiles. She has a wolfish smile.
She says: ‘And?’
Emile holds on to his glass of wine. He says: ‘They are in a room.’
She says: ‘And?’
Agatha is wearing a short red dress. There is a pattern embroidered on it. The pattern looks Chinese. The dress has straps that go over her shoulders.
One of the straps falls off her shoulder. It is halfway down her arm.
Agatha does not move it back to where it should be. She is standing close to Emile.
Her shoulder is bare. Emile can see her breasts move when she breathes.
Emile looks into his glass. He says: ‘I don’t know.’ He says: ‘They are in a room. That’s all.’
Agatha smiles again. She moves closer to Emile. She says: ‘I’m sure it’ll be brilliant.’
Agatha is almost touching Emile. She stumbles. She grabs Emile’s shoulder to steady herself. She is drunk. She is very close to him. She does not take her hand away from his shoulder.
She says: ‘It’ll be brilliant.’
Emile can smell Agatha’s perfume. He holds on to his glass.
Nicolas and Emile are standing on the street. They are outside Agatha’s apartment. The party is over. They are on their way home.
There are other people on the street. They are also on their way home.
It is late. The streetcars have stopped for the night.
Nicolas looks down the street. He is wearing a jacket and a scarf. He puts his hands in his pockets. He is looking for a taxi.
He does not see a taxi.
Nicolas says: ‘Do you want to walk?’
Emile shrugs.
They turn their collars up. It is cold out. Emile takes his tobacco out of his pocket. He rolls a cigarette and he lights it. He passes it to Nicolas.
Nicolas takes it. He smokes some of it. He passes it back to Emile.
Emile smokes some of the cigarette.
Nicolas says: ‘What were you and Agatha talking about?’
Emile shrugs. He says: ‘She asked me what I am working on.’
Nicolas says: ‘And?’
Emile says: ‘I told her what I am working on.’
Nicolas looks at Emile. He waits for him to say more.
Emile says: ‘That was all.’
He smokes a bit more of the cigarette. He passes it back to Nicolas. Nicolas is smiling at him.
Nicolas says: ‘You’re sure that was all you talked about?’
Emile says: ‘It was.’
Nicolas is still smiling at him.
Emile looks away.
Nicolas smokes some of the cigarette. He passes it back to Emile. Emile finishes the cigarette. He drops it in the gutter.
They are walking down a street with houses on either side of it. There is no one else on the street. There is no one else awake. The street lights are on. There is garbage out on the streets. Trucks will come to take it away in the morning.
Nicolas and Emile are still a long way from home.
Nicolas says: ‘Have you heard from that girl you met?’
Emile says: ‘Her name is Isobel.’
Emile puts his hands in his pockets. It is cold. They come to the end of the block. They cross the street.
Emile sighs. He says: ‘No.’
Nicolas and Emile walk up the stairs to their apartment. They stand in front of the door. Nicolas takes his keys out of his pocket.
He opens the door.
They go inside. Nicolas turns on the light. They take their jackets off. They hang their jackets up. There are hooks on the wall. They hang their jackets on the hooks.
Emile stands by the door.He is tired. He does not want to go to bed.
He sits down at the table.
Nicolas takes two glasses out of the cupboard. He fills them with water. He puts one down in front of Emile and then he sits down across from Emile.
Emile picks up the glass. He drinks some of the water. He puts the glass back on the table.
Nicolas sits down at the table. He is sitting across from Emile. He drinks from his glass of water.
He waits for Emile to say something.
Emile does not speak.
Nicolas drinks from his glass of water. He puts it down on the table. It is empty.
Emile does not say anything. Nicolas shrugs.
He says: ‘I’m off to bed.’
He stands up. He goes into his room.
Emile sits at the table. The bowl of fruit is in the middle of the table. Emile’s glass is on the table in front of him. The glass is not empty. The bowl of fruit is. Nicolas threw out the bruised fruit two days ago.
Emile sits at the table.
He wanted to say something. He did not know how to say it. If Nicolas had waited longer he might have said it.
He might not have said it.
Emile stands up. He takes the two glasses from the table. He puts them into the sink.
He goes into his room.
There is a dresser against one of the walls. It is where he should be keeping his clothes. His clothes are on the floor. There is a window on one of the walls. It does not have a curtain over it. There is light from the street coming in through the window.
It is enough light to see by.
His bed is in a corner. There are two puppets lying on the bed.
They are lying with their arms around each other and their legs together.
Emile picks the puppets up. Their arms and their legs dangle. He takes them over to the window. He props them u
p on the windowsill.
They are sitting opposite each other. Their heads are lolling. Emile adjusts their heads so that they are looking into the room.
Emile goes back to the bed. He sits down on it. He takes his clothes off. He drops them on the floor.
He puts his hands in his lap.
He sits on his bed. He looks at the puppets on the windowsill. He looks at them like he is waiting for them to do something.
They do not do something.
Emile sighs. He gets into his bed. He goes to sleep.
10
Isobel is in the room at the back of the grocery store. There is no one here. It is early in the morning. It is before anyone is here. She goes to the door that goes outside. She opens it.
There is a brick that Mr. Koch leaves beside the door. She props the door open with it.
She goes outside.
It is early in the morning. It is cold out. Isobel does up the buttons on her sweater. She is wearing a sweater. It is new. She is not cold.
She is carrying a pack of cigarettes. It is in her hand. She takes a cigarette out of the pack.
She puts the cigarette between her lips. She lights it with a match.
She shakes the match out. She draws on the cigarette.
She looks down the alley. There is no one in the alley. It is too early. The light is too bright. It is always too bright this early in the morning.
She sits down on the steps. She puts the cigarette between her lips. She draws on it. She exhales. She shifts so that she is more comfortable sitting on the steps.
She looks like she is looking at something. She is not looking at something. There is nothing in the alley to look at.
She is sitting on the steps at the back of the grocery store. She is smoking a cigarette. She is waiting.
That is all.
There is a noise in the store behind her. A door opens and closes. Mr. Koch is here.
She draws on her cigarette. She exhales. She waits while Mr. Koch walks through the store. She hears him on the steps behind her.
She turns around. She looks up at Mr. Koch.
Mr. Koch is wearing an overcoat and a hat and a scarf. The scarf is wrapped loosely around his neck. He has his keys in his hand.