by Alan Reed
He smiles. He says: ‘Good morning, Isobel.’
Isobel says: ‘Good morning, Mr. Koch.’
Mr. Koch goes into his office. He takes off his hat and his scarf and his overcoat. He fills his coffee-making machine with water and ground coffee beans.
Isobel is still sitting on the steps behind the store. She puts her cigarette between her lips. She draws on it. She exhales.
The water dribbles through the coffee machine. Mr. Koch takes off his jacket. He loosens his tie. Mr. Koch always wears a tie to the store. He always loosens it when he arrives. He undoes the top button of his shirt.
Mr. Koch looks at the coffee machine. He wipes his forehead with his handkerchief. The coffee-making machine is not done. Mr. Koch waits for it to be done.
The coffee is done. Mr. Koch pours it into two cups. He takes the two cups and he goes out of his office.
The cups are plain cups. They are not fancy. They are for drinking from.
He goes out to the alley.
Isobel is still sitting on the steps. Mr. Koch is standing behind her. He hands Isobel one of the cups.
She turns around. She takes the cup.
Mr. Koch breathes in deeply. He says: ‘It is a good morning.’
Isobel does not speak. She moves her hair with her hand. She nods her head.
Mr. Koch stands on the steps. He drinks from his cup of coffee.
He makes a noise in his throat. He reaches into one of the pockets of his waistcoat. He takes a pack of cigarettes out. He takes a cigarette out of it.
He puts the cigarette in his mouth. He takes a lighter from another pocket and he lights the cigarette. He draws on it. Smoke comes out of his mouth.
He makes a contented noise. It comes from deep in his throat.
He puts his cigarette to his mouth again. He draws on it. He drinks from his cup of coffee.
Mr. Koch says: ‘It will be too cold soon.’ He says: ‘Best enjoy the mornings while we can.’
He drinks from his cup of coffee again.
Isobel flicks her cigarette away. She holds her cup with both hands. She drinks from it.
They have their cups of coffee. They do not say anything. They do not need to say anything. They have their cups of coffee.
Isobel moves her hair with her hand. She moves it so that it is tucked behind her ears. Mr. Koch finishes his cigarette. He flicks the butt of it away.
Mr. Koch says: ‘Well.’ He says: ‘I had best get to work.’
He is holding his cup of coffee. He does not turn to go. He is still standing behind Isobel.
Mr. Koch says: ‘Are you all right?’
Isobel turns around. She looks up at Mr. Koch. She smiles for him. She has to try to smile.
She says: ‘I am.’
Mr. Koch says: ‘Good, good.’ He says: ‘Well.’ He drinks from his cup of coffee. He clears his throat. He says: ‘I will see you inside.’
Mr. Koch goes back into the grocery store. He goes into his office.
Isobel stays on the steps behind the store.
She takes another cigarette out of her pack of cigarettes. She puts it between her lips. She lights it.
She waits for Oskar to come with his truck.
Oskar’s truck turns into the alley.
Isobel is still sitting on the steps. She is holding her cup of coffee in her hands.
She puts her cup down on the step beside her. She stands up. She stretches her arms up over her head. Oskar sees her. He honks the horn on his truck.
He stops his truck. He stops it so that the back of it is beside the steps going up into the store. He turns the engine off.
He gets out of his truck. He is by the steps that go into the grocery store.
Isobel is waiting for him. Oskar says: ‘Good morning, Isobel.’
Isobel says: ‘Good morning.’
Oskar smiles. He opens the back of the truck. There are crates in the back of the truck.
Oskar says: ‘Will Mr. Koch be out?’
Isobel says: ‘He will.’
Oskar gets into the back of the truck. He puts his work gloves on. He hands Isobel one of the crates. Isobel takes the crate. She goes into the grocery store with it. Oskar follows her. He is also carrying a crate.
They put the crates down beside the door.
Mr. Koch hears them come into the store. He comes out of his office.
Mr. Koch says: ‘Oskar!’ He says: ‘I thought I’d heard you drive up.’
Oskar says: ‘Good morning, Mr. Koch.’
Mr. Koch says: ‘Good morning, good morning.’ He says: ‘I trust you are well?’
Oskar says: ‘I am, Mr. Koch. How are you?’
Mr. Koch says: ‘I can’t complain.’ He says: ‘But come.’ He waves with his hands towards the back of the truck. He says: ‘These crates won’t unload themselves.’
Isobel watches Oskar and Mr. Koch talk. She does not say anything.
Oskar and Mr. Koch go out into the alley.
Isobel follows them.
They go to Oskar’s truck. Oskar gets into the back of the truck. Mr. Koch and Isobel stand outside the truck. Oskar hands a crate to Mr. Koch. He hands a crate to Isobel.
They go back into the store carrying the crates. Oskar follows them. He is also carrying a crate.
They put the crates they are carrying down by the door. They go back out into the alley and Oskar gets into the back of the truck. He hands a crate to Mr. Koch. He hands a crate to Isobel.
They go back into the store carrying the crates. They put the crates by the door. Mr. Koch stops. He leans against the pile of crates. He takes a handkerchief out of his pocket. He wipes his face with it.
Mr. Koch says: ‘I am not as young as I used to be.’
Oskar smiles at Mr. Koch. He says: ‘There aren’t that many crates left.’
Isobel does not say anything. She can carry the crates now. It is not as hard as it was. She is stronger.
They go back out into the alley. They get more crates from Oskar’s truck. They bring the crates into the store. They do this until there are no more crates in the back of Oskar’s truck.
When there are no more crates Oskar closes the back of the truck. He takes off his work gloves. He turns to Mr. Koch.
Oskar says: ‘Goodbye, Mr. Koch.’
Mr. Koch says: ‘Goodbye, Oskar.’ He says: ‘I will see you tomorrow.’
Oskar says: ‘Goodbye, Isobel.’
Isobel says: ‘Goodbye, Oskar.’
Oskar turns to get into the truck. He does not get into the truck. He turns around again.
Oskar says: ‘Isobel.’ He says: ‘I’m meeting some friends at the pub tonight.’ He stops. He puts his hands in his pockets. He says: ‘Would you like to come?’
Isobel shakes her head. She says: ‘No.’ She says: ‘But thank you.’
Oskar shrugs his shoulders. He smiles to Isobel. He says: ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’
He gets into his truck. He drives away.
Isobel goes back into the grocery store. Mr. Koch is already there.
Mr. Koch says: ‘Well.’ He wipes his face with his handkerchief. He puts his handkerchief back into his pocket. He says: ‘Shall we get to work?’
Isobel nods her head.
Mr. Koch goes into his office. Isobel goes to the crates stacked next to the door.
She opens the crate on the top of the stack. There are cabbages inside the crate. She takes some of the cabbages out of the crate. She does not take all of them because there are too many for her to carry.
She takes them over to the cart by the door.
She puts the cabbages on the cart. She has to be careful that none of them fall off. She goes back to where the crate is. She takes more cabbages out of the crate. She takes them over to the cart.
She puts them on the cart. When she puts them on the cart the cart is full.
Isobel pushes the cart into the front of the store. She pushes it slowly. She does not want any of the cabbages to fall off the cart.
; She goes into the store. There are rows of shelves in the front of the store. She pushes the cart past the shelves.
Isobel stops the cart.
She is in the front of the store. The produce is put out at the front of the store. She puts the cabbages on the cart onto a pile of cabbages.
There is a girl standing behind the cash register. She pretends she does not see Isobel. She is reading a magazine.
Isobel puts the cabbages on the cart with the cabbages that are already there. The cart is empty. She pushes the cart towards the back of the store.
She goes into the room at the back of the store. She leaves the cart by the door. She goes to where the crates are.
She hears Mr. Koch talking on the phone. He is in his office. He says: ‘Madame, it is not for me to decide what she does.’ He pauses. He listens. He says: ‘Are you asking me to turn her out?’
Isobel stands in front of the crates. She listens to Mr. Koch.
Mr. Koch says: ‘Goodbye, madame.’ He puts the phone down. He puts it down too hard.
Isobel flinches.
Mr. Koch comes out of his office. Isobel is standing in front of the crates.
Isobel says: ‘I’m sorry.’
Mr. Koch does not say anything. His face is red.
Mr. Koch opens the door to the alley. He pushes too hard on it. It bangs against the handrail on the steps outside. He goes outside. He stands at the top of the steps.
Isobel watches him take his cigarettes out of his waistcoat. He fumbles with them. He puts a cigarette to his mouth.He lights it.
He looks out into the alley. He smokes his cigarette.
Isobel stands in front of the crates beside the door. Mr. Koch is not looking at her. She does not know what she should do.
Mr. Koch smokes his cigarette. He puts it to his mouth and then he blows smoke out of his mouth.
Mr. Koch says: ‘Isobel.’ He is looking back into the store now. He is looking at Isobel.
He says: ‘This is a simple place.’ He puts his cigarette to his mouth. He says: ‘And I am a simple man. I am at home here.’
He puts his cigarette to his mouth. He draws on it.
He says: ‘But you, you are not so simple anymore.’
Isobel looks into the crate in front of her. She does not want to look at Mr. Koch. She pushes her hair so that it is not in her face.
She does not say anything. She cannot think of anything to say.
She nods her head.
She goes back to work. She opens the crate on the top of the pile. There are more cabbages inside it. She takes the cabbages out of the crate. She goes over to the cart. She drops one of the cabbages on the floor. Her hands are shaking. She picks it up.
She puts the cabbages on the cart.
Mr. Koch shakes his head. He finishes his cigarette. He goes back into his office. He starts his coffee-making machine.
Isobel opens another crate. There are tins in this crate. There is room on the cart for a few tins. She takes the tins out of the crate and puts them on the cart.
The cart is full. She takes the cart to the front of the store. She puts the things on the cart onto the shelves. The girl behind the cash register looks at her while she does. They do not speak to each other.
When the cart is empty she goes into the back of the store.
There are more crates in the back of the store. They have more things in them. She puts them out in the front of the store.
When all of the crates are empty she goes up to her room. She goes up the stairs. She closes the door behind her.
It is the end of the day. Mr. Koch is closing the store.
He locks the front door. He goes into the room in the back of the store. He stands at the bottom of the stairs.
Mr. Koch says: ‘Isobel.’
He says: ‘I am leaving now.’ He says: ‘Do you need anything for the night?’
Isobel says: ‘No.’
She says: ‘I will see you in the morning.’
Mr. Koch pauses a moment. He says: ‘Well.’ He is quiet a moment. He says: ‘Have a good night, then.’
Isobel is in her room. She is sitting on the floor. Her notebook is on the floor in front of her.
Mr. Koch leaves the store. He locks the door when he leaves.
Isobel is sitting on the floor. She has her notebook open in her lap. She is writing.
It gets dark outside. She stands up. She goes to the middle of the room. She pulls on the cord hanging from the ceiling. The light turns on.
She looks at her room in the light. There is the sink on the wall and the mirror above it. There is the bed. There are plain white sheets on the bed. They are the way they have always been.
The room is different.
There is the towel hanging by the sink. There are clothes piled by the door. Isobel bought new clothes with the money Mr. Koch paid her.
Isobel goes back to where she was sitting. She sits down. She picks up the pencil she was using.
She writes.
She writes until she is finished the letter. She tears that page out of the notebook. She folds it. She puts it into an envelope. It is like the envelopes under the bed.
She holds the envelope with the letter inside it for a moment. She knows that she could send it. She seals the envelope. She puts it with the pile of envelopes under the bed.
It is late.
Isobel stands up. She is in her room. She does not want to be in her room.
She could leave her room. She could go down the stairs and out into the alley. It is not that late. She could go out. She could do something.
She puts on her sweater. She does up the buttons. She goes down the stairs. She goes out into the alley.
She takes her cigarettes out. She puts a cigarette between her lips. She lights it.
She draws on it.
It is colder out. Isobel wishes she were wearing gloves. She is not wearing gloves.
She exhales.
Isobel sits down on the steps. She smokes her cigarette.
When her cigarette is done she goes back into the store. She goes up the stairs. She goes into her room. She closes the door behind her. She takes off her sweater. She puts it on the floor.
She is tired. She does not know what time it is. She does not want to know what time it is.
She does not want to go to bed.
She looks at her bed. She sits on her bed. She puts her hands to her face.
She takes off her dress. It is not the dress she was wearing when she went to the train station. It is a new dress. It is plain and grey. It is good for working in. She is wearing stockings under it. They are warm. She takes them off. She puts them on the floor.
She sits on the bed in her underwear.
It is cold in the room. There are goosebumps on Isobel’s skin.
She stands up. She turns off the light. She goes to the bed. She pulls the blankets back.
She stands beside the bed.
There is light from the alley coming in through the window. She looks out the window. There is nothing to see on the other side of the window.
She shivers. She is cold. She gets into the bed.
She lies on her back. She is looking at the ceiling.
She is not asleep.
She looks at the window. She cannot see out the window from where she is lying.
She does not move. She closes her eyes.
The letters she wrote are all under the bed. They are in envelopes. They are ready to be sent. She is not going to send them. She does not understand why but she is sure that she is not going to send them.
She rolls over onto her side. She curls her legs up against her body.
She is not asleep. She is not going to fall asleep. She will lie in bed awake. She does not know what else to do with herself.
She holds the blanket close to her body.
I don’t remember you anymore. Sometimes I think that I do. But it’s not real anymore, it’s something that I’ve made up. It’s not you.
Wh
at I have is a cigarette butt. There is nothing special about it. It’s just a cigarette butt. I want it to be more than that. I need it to be more. I need it to mean something and I don’t understand why it doesn’t.
What do I do, Emile? How do I make it mean something?
When you sit down with a bunch of wood and some string, what do you do? How do you make something out of that?
It’s late. The store is closed and I am in my room. I am sitting on my bed. I am too tired to say it’s yours. I feel like giving up. I don’t want to give up, Emile. I don’t want to go home. I will not be sorry for what we did. I want us to mean something.
I am so tired and I have to be up early. I wish I didn’t. I wish I wasn’t here but I am. I can feel myself getting used to it. I am becoming the girl who lives in the room over the grocery store.
I hate it. I hate it for being so easy to get used to. I don’t know what to do. I want there to be more than this but I don’t know how to make something more than this.
I love you, Emile. I am trying to love you.
11
Emile is standing in front of a door. It is between two shops. On one side of it is a shop that sells magazines. On the other side is a tailor’s shop. The shop that sells magazines is still open. There is someone inside it. She is looking at magazines.
There is a doorbell beside the door. Emile presses it.
From the other side of the door there is the sound of someone walking down stairs. Emile fidgets with his cap.
The door opens. Agatha is in the doorway.
She says: ‘Hello, Emile.’
She leans forward so Emile can kiss her on the cheek. Emile kisses her on the cheek. She says: ‘It’s so good to see you.’
Emile smiles. He is carrying a reel of film. He has been to the shop where Agatha takes film to be developed. He spoke to the man who works there. The man wore thick glasses and his hair was starting to thin. He gave Emile the reel of film. Emile gave the man some money. He left. He came to Agatha’s apartment.
Agatha says: ‘Come in.’
She takes Emile’s hand. She goes up the stairs. Emile follows her. At the top of the stairs there is another door. She opens it. She leads him through the door.