What Echoes Render

by Schultz, Tamsen

  He sounded as confused as she felt. And then his words sunk in. Of course his daughter would want to be here, would want to see him. But Jesse was a wreck and, for a moment, a little bit of panic set in at meeting David’s daughter. Then James’s hand came down over hers as he reminded her of the important things in life. Miranda wouldn’t care that they were exhausted and ratty looking, she would just want to know her dad was okay, and that was something Jesse understood.

  “Miranda,” David said, as he stepped into the little mudroom and opened the door for her. Jesse and the boys stayed at the table, giving the father and daughter a few minutes together.

  “Dad,” she answered. Jesse could hear the rustle of clothing and she assumed the two were hugging. “How are you? I mean, really, how are you?”

  He chuckled. “I’m fine. Better than I was twelve hours ago. We’re tired and James is a little banged up, but other than that, we’re all fine.”

  “James is the younger son, right?” Miranda asked. Obviously, David had told her about them.

  “Yes, come in and meet everyone,” David said.

  Jesse watched as he rounded the corner with the young woman in tow. She was tall, not as tall as her dad, but close to five foot eight, and athletically built. She had David’s dark brown eyes and curly brown hair streaked with gold highlights. Her coloring looked more Mediterranean than David’s, but she was definitely his daughter.

  Jesse and the boys stood.

  Miranda’s eyes swept over each of them before landing back on her.

  “Jesse, this is my daughter, Miranda. Miranda, Jesse,” David said.

  Jesse stepped forward to offer her hand but Miranda offered her a big hug instead.

  “I know you don’t know me,” Miranda said, stepping back. “But for my dad’s sake, and the sake of your boys, I’m really glad you’re okay. All of you,” she added, looking directly at each boy in turn.

  They all sat back down again, and once a cup of coffee was placed in front of Miranda, she peppered them with questions about the day, discreetly avoiding asking too much about Mark.

  Jesse watched Miranda talk with the boys and felt a sense of calm wash over her at their easy interactions. That’s not to say they were instant best friends, but it was clear that they were all being as grown-up as they knew how to be in this sudden blended-family situation. And she was pleased to see that the kids were more interested in getting to know each other as people than as children who were protective or possessive of their parents. She didn’t know what the future held for her and David, but for now, this was good.

  Matt was telling Miranda about the running trail around their property when David leaned over to Jesse and asked in a whisper, “Are you ready for bed?”

  She’d been enjoying the sounds of the kids’ voices and hadn’t yet thought about calling it a night, but the moment he asked, she yawned and her eyes dipped.

  “Come on,” he said rising. “Let’s get you to bed.”

  “The kids,” she mumbled.

  “The kids will be fine,” Matt interjected. “We’ll set Miranda up in the downstairs room. You go on to bed. You deserve it.”

  She looked at the boys, then stepped forward and gave each one a kiss on the top of his head. “Good night, love you. And Miranda, thank you for coming, it’s so nice to meet you.”

  “Love you, too, Mom,” James and Matt answered.

  Miranda smiled. “It’s nice to finally meet you, too. I’m sorry it took what happened today, but I’m glad to be here.”

  “We’re glad you’re here, too,” Jesse answered.

  After David gave his daughter another hug, Jesse took his hand as they made their way toward her room. And just before she shut the door, she heard something that let her know it would truly be okay.

  Miranda’s voice drifted down the hallway. “You guys like playing poker?”

  CHAPTER 27

  SO MUCH HAD CHANGED in the last four days that Jesse couldn’t quell the jitters in her stomach. Intellectually, she knew Matt and James were safe picking up bagels for breakfast in town. But memories and images of James tied to that chair still echoed through her at times and she thought they probably would for some time to come.

  Vivi, Ian, and their new baby were already home. Jeffery MacAllister, named after Vivi’s brother, had weighed in at seven pounds three ounces and was, naturally, the center of attention in the MacAllister and extended DeMarco families. He had his father’s eyes and his mother’s hair and, so far, neither of their personalities, but time would tell on that one.

  Marcus Brown was out of intensive care but had a long road ahead of him. His surgery had gone well and he would walk again, but there was likely some sustained nerve damage that they hadn’t been able to fully assess yet. Still, he was alive and would recover enough to live a productive life. He would probably never win a marathon, but they no longer worried about his survival.

  And then there was the change she and the boys had talked about over the last three days. They had come to a decision that would affect all their lives, and though it was scary in more ways than one, all three of them knew it was the right decision. That it might end her relationship with David weighed heavily on her, but in her heart of hearts, she knew even that wouldn’t change her mind.

  “Jesse?” the man himself said as he walked into the kitchen carrying a bundle of firewood with Miranda trailing behind him carrying a load of her own.

  “Oh, thanks, go ahead and put that in the bin by the fireplace. You didn’t have to do that.” Jesse followed them into the living room and watched as he stacked the wood. By unspoken agreement, after that first night, David and Miranda had stayed at his house—all of them had been through a lot over the previous week and blending the families was an additional stress neither had wanted at that point.

  “I noticed you were almost out when we left last night so we decided to grab some from your woodpile on our way in,” he said with an easy smile.

  Because that was the kind of guy he was.

  “Thanks,” she said, moving back to the kitchen. “The boys are in town but should be here any minute with the bagels. Coffee?”

  Her stomach was too tied up in knots to drink any herself, but she poured some for Miranda and David. They made small talk about the weather, which had gotten colder, and college, which both Matt and Miranda were headed back to tomorrow. She was worried about the fact that Matt had missed his first two weeks of classes, but Miranda did her best to reassure her everything would be fine.

  However, when Matt and James pulled up, she was feeling anything but fine. After dropping the bagels and cream cheese on the kitchen island, Matt took one look at her and suggested that he, James, and Miranda go for a walk around the property before they ate. Miranda gave him a curious look but agreed, and soon Jesse and David were alone.

  “You want to tell me what’s going on?” David asked, taking their moment alone to wrap his arms around her.

  She looked into his eyes and knew this was going to be one of the hardest conversations she would ever have.

  “Jesse?’ His voice was starting to sound worried.

  She pulled away, needing her own space, and walked around the kitchen island away from him.

  “What’s going on? Is everything okay?” he pressed.

  She took a deep breath. “Everything is fine. It’s just that,” she paused and his eyes searched hers. “It’s just that the boys and I have made a decision that I think you aren’t going to like.”

  He drew back and frowned. “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?”

  She could tell from his voice that he wasn’t defensive quite yet, but he was ready to go there fast.

  “This isn’t about us, David. I want to say that first. I love you, you know I do, so this isn’t me ending things or anything like that.”

  “Then what is it?”

  Her attempts to appease had obviously had the opposite effect as his eyes narrowed on her.

  “I’v
e decided to file to adopt Emma Carson,” she blurted out.

  “What?” He sounded more confused than angry.

  “The boys and I have talked about it. She has no family left and, well, she’s James and Matt’s half sister. None of us feel it’s right for her to be punished for the sins of her parents. I can afford it and I’m still relatively young. It’s just,” her voice wavered as she saw David’s expression close down. “It’s just something we need to do,” she finished, her voice quiet, pleading with him to understand.

  “But you’ve already raised two kids. I’ve already raised a daughter. You said you were done.” She could tell he was fighting to stay reasonable, but was losing that fight.

  She looked down, knowing now where this conversation was going to go. “I know. But you of all people know how quickly life can change. And this isn’t something I would ever have asked for. But it’s happening. And all we can do is deal with it the best way we know how.”

  “And so you’re going to adopt her? Have you even met her?” His voice was incredulous.

  “Yes and yes. I have met her. She’s a lovely little almost two-year-old who is living with strangers because the woman who raised her died. And yes, I am going to adopt her as long as the courts don’t have any objections. But I also know how you feel about having more kids. I know because I felt that way, too. Until this happened. So I’m not asking you to do this with me. I am going to do it. I need to do it. And I’m going to leave it to you to decide if you want to be a part of it. Don’t get me wrong, David, I want you to be a part of it, I really do. But—” her voice cracked on what she was about to say, but she pushed on. “But you’ve always been clear about what you did and didn’t want when it came to having more kids, so I will understand if you choose not to do this with me.” She was blinking back tears at this point and hated that doing the right thing wasn’t always the easy thing.

  “This is what you want?” Judging by his tone, he was still struggling to understand her decision, was still trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but was not at all happy with what she was saying. Raising another child wouldn’t have been something she would have chosen if the world were perfect, but the world wasn’t perfect, and most importantly, it wasn’t perfect for the innocent little girl who was caught up in all this. If she and her boys had it in them to make a family with her, to be her family, then yes, she wanted that.

  But to lose David because of that? She’d known it was a possibility when she and the boys had first started talking about it, but now, standing in front him, watching him slip away, well, it was harder than she’d ever thought it would be.

  “It’s the right thing to do.”

  “So I have no say in this? I have to accept having another child if I want to be with you?”

  It wasn’t fair, none of this was fair, but they both knew life wasn’t ever fair. Sometimes it was good or great and sometimes it sucked. Sometimes bad things happened to good people and sometimes it was the other way around. Fairness had nothing to do with it. But even so, she couldn’t bring herself to answer.

  David let out a low curse, ran his hand over his face and turned away.

  “I don’t know what you want from me, Jesse,” he said, turning back. “You and the boys have been talking about this enough to have reached a decision and then you just dump it on me? Didn’t it occur to you that maybe I should have been a part of those conversations?”

  She blinked at him, taken aback. In all honesty, no, she hadn’t thought he should have been a part of those conversations. Not because she didn’t know it would affect him—affect them—but because she knew how he felt about raising another child. Not to mention that their relationship, as good as it was, was still fairly new. They had kept things to themselves for so long, but even after they’d been “outed,” they hadn’t had any conversations about their future. They’d never talked about living together or doing anything other than carrying on as they had. That he’d have wanted to have been a part of a conversation about adopting Emma hadn’t crossed her mind.

  “Mom?”

  “Dad?”

  Matt and Miranda entered with James following.

  “Everything okay?” Miranda asked, her eyes going between the two of them. Jesse remained silent, letting David take the question.

  Jesse saw his jaw tick, then he forcibly took a deep breath. “Yeah, everything is fine. Are you guys ready to eat?”

  None of the three kids looked like they believed him and Miranda slid Jesse a sympathetic look. And by the way Matt and James were avoiding her, she’d bet they’d told Miranda exactly what was going on.

  The only easy thing about their breakfast together was the fact that it was fast. They ate mostly in silence—what little conversation that came up was between the kids, with Miranda and Matt comparing class schedules and talking to James about colleges. For her part, she tried to swallow a bite or two of bagel, but it felt so dry in her throat she gave up and drank water instead.

  David said next to nothing and when he and Miranda put on their coats to leave, the perfunctory kiss he dropped on Jesse’s head felt like a guillotine. But as hard as this was, as awful as she felt, she still knew, bone deep, that adopting Emma was the right thing. And that David would have to make his own decision.

  ***

  “You are being a complete boob, Dad,” Miranda said, snatching the keys from his hand as he went to insert them into the ignition.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He held out his hand and glared at his daughter. Then forced himself to relax. It wasn’t Miranda’s fault this was happening.

  “I know exactly what I’m talking about. Jesse is going to adopt Emma, Mark’s baby by that crazy woman, and you just totally freaked out on her.”

  He stared at Miranda for a long moment then held out his hand again for the keys. “We are not going to have this conversation.”

  “Why not? Because you think if you express reservations about raising another kid, you’re going to hurt my feelings? Because you’re afraid it might make me feel like an unwanted burden?”

  “You were never unwanted. You might have been a burden for a few of those teenage years, but you were never unwanted.” He really didn’t want to be having this conversation, mostly because Miranda was right.

  “Nice, Dad. Using humor to deflect. It’s a good thing I took that psych class last semester ’cause I never would have caught on.”

  He shot her an irritated look.

  “Well?” she prompted, unrelenting.

  “Well, what?”

  “Well, what are you going to do?”

  He rubbed his hand over his face again. Raising another child? He couldn’t imagine it. He’d just created a life of his own for the first time.

  “I don’t know,” he answered honestly.

  “It’s not like you would be on your own this time around,” Miranda said. He looked at her questioningly. “I mean, it would be different if you decided to do this with Jesse, instead of walking away and letting her do it on her own,” she continued. “You’re older now, you have a career, a house, a life, and you’d have a partner this time around. And based on me, you know you’re a great parent.” She gave him a cheeky grin. She made it sound so easy, but he it knew it wasn’t.

  “You don’t understand and I hope you don’t have to for many years,” he said with a pointed look.

  She rolled her eyes.

  “Raising kids is amazing, Miranda, it really is. But it’s hard work. It’s a lot of responsibility but it’s also a lot of logistics and planning and lot of—” He stopped himself, not wanting to risk hurting his daughter’s feelings.

  “A lot of giving up your own life to make things work for your kids?” She finished his thought.

  She didn’t sound hurt or like she was judging him, but when she said it, he judged himself. And that was why he was so hesitant to even contemplate the decision with Jesse. If he was already feeling anxiety about having to change his sc
hedule and his life, didn’t that make him too selfish to be a parent again?

  “God, Miranda, it’s amazing you’ve turned out as good as you have. I may love you a lot, but I probably wasn’t the best parent.”

  She smiled at him, like she had all her life. “You’re a great dad, Dad. Sure we had some ups and downs, like most families do. But the thing is, I always know you love me, I always did. Even when you wouldn’t let me go to Mexico for spring break my senior year or when I got in that fender bender. Or when we couldn’t afford to go on any vacations other than camping because you were in school.

  “To be honest, Dad, I don’t know how you did it. But the thing is, this time around, you won’t be on your own. Not only would you have Jesse, but Matt, James, and me, not to mention friends who actually have kids the same age, unlike when I was a kid and all your friends were out bar hopping.”

  “It’s not that easy, Miranda.” He laid his head against the headrest. Something was shifting in him, and he was, for the first time in the last two hours, starting to feel a little calmer.

  “You’re right, it’s not. But what you feel for her isn’t a whim, Dad. You run into burning buildings all the time for people you don’t know, but you walked into a building with a crazy woman and a bomb for Jesse and her family. Whatever that was, whatever that feeling was that day isn’t going to go away.”

  He closed his eyes and thought back to that day and the days before it. To the photo of Mark’s body and what he’d felt when he realized how easily it could have been Jesse. To the certainty he felt when he knew he was not going to let her walk into that building on her own. And then to happier times—to their first meeting and then their first night together. And how much he had needed her that night he’d found that little girl and her brother.

  And when he thought about losing Jesse, really losing her, pain seared a hole through his heart so deep that, for a moment, he found it hard to breathe.

  David looked at his daughter who was patiently watching him. She was one of the best things in his life and every day he was grateful for all the work, all the hours, all the worry he had, and would, live through for her. Looking at her sitting there—smart, capable, confident, and compassionate—he knew what he needed to do.