Unworthy

by Cassia Brightmore

  Thanking her, they hurried to the elevator. "Ugh, Dad couldn't have sent us a text message? Why didn't he call to let us know she was being moved?" Blake complained, her anger increasing her pace until Maisie was all but jogging to keep up with her.

  "I don't know. Hey, slow down. I can't keep up."

  "Sorry. I'm just so mad at him for this, he can be such a stubborn Englishman at time," Blake commented.

  Reaching their mom's new room, they paused outside the door when they heard voices, twin looks of confusion on their faces. Stepping inside, they found two new doctors talking to their dad who was standing next to their mom's hospital bed. The room was much larger than the one in Emergency, with two windows that overlooked the street below. A couple chairs, a bedside table and a table on wheels made up the furnishings. There was a large built-in unit with shelves and drawers directly across from where Caroline's bed was sitting. Above her, there was some sort of mechanical device, but Maisie was unsure what it was for.

  Anxiety rose up as they walked farther into the room. Her dad's face...it was void of all emotion; she couldn't get a read on him at all. No heads up or inclination about what they were about to learn. Her mom was awake, and she gave a little wave in greeting, obviously too weak to talk. If possible, she seemed to look even worse than the day prior, as though she was deteriorating before their very eyes. Cold fear sunk its claws into her skin and a nervous sweat broke out on her brow. This was bad. Very, very bad.

  "Um, hi," Maisie said awkwardly, unsure of where to start.

  Both men turned at the sound of her voice. The first man was tall, maybe mid-forties, with dark hair and eyes. He had glasses and a muscular build, and Under Armour t-shirt poking out from under his white coat, instead of a scrub top. The second man was much older, maybe close to retirement age. His graying hair was combed over, and he wore a plaid shirt and slacks instead of the traditional scrubs and white coat.

  "Girls, this is Dr. Montgomery and Dr. Steele. They have some information for us, come over here," he suggested, gesturing to the open space beside him opposite the two physicians.

  "Good morning. I'm Dr. Montgomery, as your father already knows," the younger doctor began after the girls had moved. "Your mother had a full body scan this morning to rule out any issues with her gallbladder. As I just explained to your dad, we have some news we need to give you based on the results of that test. This is Dr. Steele, from Oncology and he can better explain the situation."

  All movement in the room stopped at his words. Maisie's heart fell out of her chest and shattered on the floor while the air got thick. Oncology?

  "Mrs. Pierce, I just want to be sure you can understand me. Are you still feeling groggy?" Dr. Steele asked.

  Caroline shook her head and gave a thumbs up. Alarmed as to why she wasn't speaking, Maisie's eyes flew to her dad. "She had to drink a dye to have the test done and it was unpleasant, we're just waiting for some ice water to help wash the taste away," he told her.

  Satisfied that her mom was coherent, Dr. Steele continued. "I'm afraid I don't have good news. There's never an easy to say this, except to just say it. Mrs. Pierce, I'm very sorry to tell you that you have cancer. Liver cancer, and from what we've learned its severely advanced. Stage Four. The tumors have spread and we've detected them in your lungs and other organs. The most affected area is your liver, which is why you are feeling the pressure that you are. This cancer is very aggressive, Mrs. Pierce. From what we can tell, its spreading immensely each day."

  No one moved, no one said a word, Maisie wasn't even sure that anyone in that room was breathing. The bag she was holding slipped from her fingertips and crashed to the floor, a bagel rolling out. Blake let out a gasping sob and her mom just closed her eyes, a lone tear sneaking out of eye.

  "I know this must come as a shock, and I truly am sorry to have to tell you this." Dr. Steele said, but no one was listening to him. Maisie couldn't hold back and collapsed at her mom's side, burying her head in her neck and inhaling deeply, needing to get as close to her as possible. To feel her warmth and match her breathing with her own. Please God. Don't let this be true.

  "What do we do now? Start chemotherapy? Other treatments? I know there is that cancer center a few hours away. Should I set appointments up for her? I can—" Dr. Steele held up a hand to stop her dad's questions.

  "I need to be clear here, Mr. Pierce, and make sure you understand. At this point, our only treatment method will be pain management. This is very rapid; we aren't looking at a lot of time." The finality of his words cut a hole inside Maisie as every piece of her soul shattered. Grief suffocated her and soon she was gulping for air, sobs fighting to get out and breath desperate to get in.

  "Maisie," her mom croaked. "Take a deep breath for me. Nice and easy." Maisie was ashamed of herself, her mom could barely speak and there she was trying to offer her comfort, when she was the one in pain. She was the one dying.

  She nodded and moved back, sinking into one of the open chairs and pulling her knees up to her chest. Blake did the same and the two locked hands, trying to infuse strength into the other.

  "When you say not a lot of time, what exactly are you telling us here? Six months? A year?"

  The two doctor's exchanged a look before answering her dad's question. "I'm saying that you're looking at weeks, maybe even days. We're going to start your wife on some medication that will help ease her pain, which I'm sure is considerable. The nurses will be around to administer that in just a few minutes. I'll be available for any questions you might have, but for now, I think we'll give you some time alone. Again, I'm very sorry about his news," Dr. Steele added.

  "Wait." Maisie spoke up. "She needs some water, please."

  "I'll send someone in right away."

  No one spoke for a long while after the doctor's left the room. Maisie felt like she was in a dream, she could feel her body, knew that she was breathing and moving, but nothing felt attached. There was no connection between her mind and her body. The nurse came in and helped her mom drink some water and then added a syringe full of medicine to her waiting IV. Watching her dad climb into bed next to her mom and draw her into his arms, about killed her. The sheer heartbreak she felt was drowning her, dragging her deeper and deeper into despair.

  An orderly came in with a lunch tray and sensing the somber mood of the room, just placed it on the table. She turned to Maisie and said quietly, "I'm just down the hall if you need anything else for your mom to eat." Nodding her thanks, Maisie sat up a little straighter.

  "Mom, are you hungry?" she asked, moving to see what the offerings for lunch were. Broth soup, tea, milk, applesauce, and ice cream were waiting on the tray. She popped the tea bag into the cup of hot water to steep and pulled the lid off the soup. "Maybe some soup?" Caroline nodded, and her dad got up and left the room, mumbling that he needed a few minutes to himself.

  Blake ignored that and followed him out the door and then it was just Maisie and her mom left in the room. She was quiet for a few moments, helping her mom eat the soup. The sadness in Caroline's eyes made everything worse and soon she was crying again.

  "Why, Mom? Why didn't you tell us?"

  Caroline cleared her throat and her voice was a little stronger when she answered. "I didn't want to cause anyone any worry over me. And it was bearable for a time, I just learned to live with it." Maisie set the empty soup down and added milk to the tea, inserting a straw to make it easier to drink.

  "I don't know what I'm going to do without you, Mom. I don't know how to live in this world if you're not in it. If you're not here to support me and guide me. I don't know how I'm going to get through the day without seeing your smile, or hearing your laugh or smelling your scent. Please don't die, please, please stay," Maisie begged, choking sobs making it hard to get the words out.

  "Oh, Maisie, honey. I love you so much and I wish I could tell you that its going to be okay. But I can't do that this time. It's going to be hard, and its going to hurt and there's going to be
days you miss me so much that you don't think you can go on. Do you remember when Grandma passed away?" She waited for Maisie to nod. "I felt exactly what you're feeling now. Scared and heartbroken and even a little angry at her for leaving me. But above all else, I remembered that she loved me. She raised me to be a caring woman, a devoted wife and mother and to have faith that I was strong enough to handle anything that life threw at me. This is a curveball, and I wish like hell you didn't have to go through it. But you need to listen to me, you are strong enough to survive this. You have the strength within you to get through the grief and still go on. You just have to fight to bring it to the surface. Maisie, your dad is going to need you, and I won't be able to have any peace unless you promise me that you'll take care of him. He's the love of my life, you see, and you and your sister own the other pieces of my heart. I know I can trust you to make sure he gets through this, but I need your promise that both you and your sister will take care of him. Take care of each other, the way I've always taught you."

  They were both openly bawling now, the heartbreak and crushing grief enough to steal their breath. "You healed me, Maisie. Bringing you into my life healed my heart and made me whole again. You have such a special light inside of you, promise me that you'll follow your dreams, don't give up and always remember that you do deserve to be happy. You are worth it, no matter what anyone says, or what you think. Remember that, and remember me and how much I love you."

  "I love you so much, Mom. You saved me, and I don't know how I'll ever thank you for that. My guardian angel," she hiccupped on a sob and putting the tea down, climbed into bed beside her as her dad had done. Caroline held her and stroked her hair, whispering in her ear how much she loved her and was proud of her. She offered comfort and sought her own solace in the love so freely given by her daughter. They may not have been blood, but their bond was impenetrable, a connection that ran deeper than anyone knew.

  "The oatmeal raisin cookie recipe is in the microwave stand drawer. I'm trusting you to protect it with your life," her mom whispered and Maisie laughed.

  "I will, Mom. I promise."

  Blake and her dad came back in not long after, and Maisie reluctantly got up from the bed. Her mom had fallen asleep not long after their talk, and she'd taken that time to just lay and listen to her heartbeat, breathing in her scent, trying to commit it to memory. Maisie left to give them some time alone with her and to call Brant and fill him in on what had happened. He actually sounded sincere and a little shocked when she gave him the news, and he promised to come by the hospital after work. Relieved that he didn't cause a fight, she sent a quick email off to Jerry, explaining what had happened and that she'd be away for work for awhile. He immediately responded back with his condolences and told her to take all the time she needed with her family.

  When night fell, there was no arguments among them about who would be staying the night. Blake had already made arrangements for a friend to stay with Skipper, all three of them would stay by her mom's side, too afraid to leave. She had gotten worse over the course of the day, and watching her struggle to breathe was slowly ripping open each of their hearts.

  Brant had stopped by for a short visit bringing flowers and enough Chinese food to feed an army. That action had stunned Maisie, but she was grateful all the same. While she didn't have much appetite, they all ate, knowing they'd need the strength.

  Maisie opened her eyes the next morning, unsure of when she'd finally fallen asleep, and found her dad sitting in one of the chairs, clutching a piece of paper in his hand. Her mom was still asleep, Maisie's eyes darting to her to make sure her chest was still rising up and down, relieved to see that it was.

  Touching him on the shoulder, she smiled and whispered that she'd go get them all a coffee. Her dad nodded, "Wake Blake and take her with you, please. I need some time with your mom alone to say a few things," he admitted. If Maisie's heart could have broken anymore, it would have in that moment as she realized that her dad had written a letter to her mom and needed to read it to her alone. There was no words for the immense grief that had taken up residence in her soul. All she could do was nod and do as he asked.

  Once Blake was up and moving, the two of them left their parents alone. Two lovers wrapping their arms around each other, needing privacy as they began to say their final goodbye.

  Caroline passed quietly two day later, surrounded by her family that loved her. They'd each had their private moments with her, as well as time together the four of them as she neared the end of her life. The pain was increasing and it was unbearable to watch her struggle to stay alert for them, when what her body needed was to finally rest. The hospital staff had been kind enough to turn a blind eye when Blake brought the family dog, Skipper in to visit, in an attempt to lift their mom's spirits. Seeing the way she lit up when Skipper came bounding in the door, was enough to put a smile on all their faces, even if only for a short while.

  All they had left to do now was be there for each other to support each other through their grief. Maisie walked in the door of her parents' home and instantly was overwhelmed with memories. Cooking with her mom in the kitchen, long nights doing homework at the kitchen table. Unwrapping presents on Christmas morning in the living room under the tree. Fighting back tears, she set her laptop down and went in search of her dad, finding him in the basement on the computer. Blake was already there, having spent the night, and the two were deep in conversation.

  "Morning," Maisie said, taking a seat beside Blake on the couch. "What's going on?"

  "I was going over some finances with Blake, some things you girls need to know. Your mother and I never talked about this with you, not because we were keeping it from you, but well, we thought we had more time. We thought we had all the time in the world," he said, his voice catching on a hitch.

  Tears sprang to Maisie's eyes. Witnessing her father's grief was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do. The loss of his wife, she couldn't even imagine what he must be feeling. She had an idea, as she was suffering too, but her mom had been his best friend, his true love, his life-long companion. It would be a long time before any of them was able to cope with losing her.

  "When your mother and I came to the United States, we struggled for a long time to make ends meet. She worked a few odd jobs and I searched and searched to get a job as a millwright. When we finally were in a place that we had our feet under us, I began investing our earnings and I have been ever since. We wanted to have something for ourselves, but also something to pass on to you girls." He waved them both over to the computer screen and pulled up a spreadsheet. "Currently, as of yesterday's closing market, this is our net worth," he pointed to a figure on the screen.

  "Holy shit! Dad! We have all that and I'm driving around in that beat up Toyota? Jesus," Blake breathed. Her dad chuckled at her reaction.

  "Well, its not money that we ever counted on as our income. This is our nest egg so to speak, it was to be used for us to travel, that sort of thing. And to give us something to leave to the both of you when the time came..." his voice trailed off.

  Maisie was still having trouble processing the astronomical figure. "Dad, you're a flipping millionaire."

  They spent the rest of the afternoon going over insurance policies and discussing how any remaining funds would be split up when the time came. Just thinking about losing her dad, while her mom's death was so fresh in her mind tore the wounds open even further. Still, she could appreciate that what her dad needed to help him cope was to make sure her and Blake knew they'd be taken care of.

  Per her mom's wishes, there would be no formal funeral, just a gathering where those who wished to pay their respects could do so. Maisie was going to make a slideshow that would be played throughout the visitation while Blake focused on having a few key family photographs enlarged and framed. Blake was smart enough to ask their dad what state his suit was in and at his blank look, the two headed up to the bedroom to make sure he had what he needed.

  "I can't b
elieve she's really gone," Maisie whispered, while ironing her dad's dress shirt some time later. Blake was sorting through his ties, trying to pick one to match with his dark gray slacks and jacket.

  "I know. It just doesn't seem real. I keep expecting her to come around the corner with a cup of tea and a cookie for us," Blake said sadly. After they had the suit organized, down to socks and shoes, they moved to the jewelry box sitting on the large wooden dresser. Caroline had been a simple woman, she didn't go for flashy pieces of jewelry, her taste was more understated. Blake picked up her engagement ring, a dark ruby surrounded by several tiny diamonds and set in yellow gold and raised her eyes in question at Maisie.

  "You should have it, Blake. She would want you to."

  Maisie found her mom's replacement wedding ring that she'd only had a few years. Her original was a plain yellow gold that had lost some of its shape over the years. Dad had surprised her with a brand new band one Christmas morning and she'd fallen instantly in love with it. It had three spirals of diamonds on each side coming together to meet in the middle with a tiny raised flower of diamonds. Before she even had time to get the question out, Blake had read her mind.

  "Yes, Maisie. Take that, she would be so happy to know you have it." Twin emotions warred inside her, she felt a warmth knowing that she would carry a piece of her mom with her always, but the sadness over having to do so was a crushing weight she had yet to learn to bear. It was going to be a long time before the pain of grief subsided enough to let the healing process begin.

  The visitation was actually a busier affair than any of them imagined. The full two hours had flown by, filled with people coming and going the entire time. Caroline Pierce was a woman who was adored by so many and her loss was felt among everyone that knew her. It gave Maisie a strange sense of pride to know that so many loved her mother, and not only would miss her, but wanted to pay their last respects. She truly was an exceptional soul.

  Brant had been by her side the entire evening, offering support and accepting condolences when she was unable to. He'd left shortly before the end of the service to drop off the overwhelming number of flower arrangements at her parents' house and bring a few of them home. She'd had a panic attack when Blake had come face to face with him, as she made no effort to hide the burning hatred she felt for him. He looked at her curiously, but she was able to pull it together enough to force a smile on her face and accept his hug, while glaring daggers at Maisie over his shoulder.