Keeping Secrets

by Lisa Eugene

  I didn’t wipe it off, because I deserved it. I couldn’t stand myself and my weakness. I had no control. My father was right. He’d always been right.

  Moving to the sink, I peeled off my glove. It was a disgusting mess, an accurate reflection of my fucked-up life. I rinsed off the leather with soap and water, left it to dry, then numbly started my ritual. I was rinsing my mouth when I heard my phone ringing in the other room.

  Dex. He always called before he went to bed. I looked at my watch. It was 6:15 now, which meant it was just after midnight in Berlin. Still slightly shaking, I retrieved my phone from the living room. I clicked it on while I made my way back to the bed. Drained and unsteady, I needed to lie down.

  “Stats? Stats? Are you there?” Dex’s voice rang through the speaker.

  Tears welled in my throat. I swallowed them down. “Hi, Dex.”

  Silence. He knew something was wrong.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, concern deepening his voice.

  My heart pounded.

  Yeah, I stole two dozen donuts. Binged and purged. Broke my promise to you. I don’t deserve your love—your trust.

  I fake-yawned. “I was sleeping,” My voice was a lazy drawl, convincing. “I was up late studying and got John to cover my shift this afternoon. I came home and crashed.”

  Lying was my sixth sense. I was good at it. I’d learned the talent early in life and had sharpened it to an effective blade.

  “You sound tired.”

  “Yeah, I’m in bed. I may be coming down with something. Just what I need midterm week. That would suck. I’m trying to rest.” Fake yawn.

  “Don’t push yourself too hard. You’re gonna rock those exams.”

  I gave a weepy smile. He always had such faith in me, more than I had in myself. Guilt rode me hard.

  “I miss you,” I said. It was the truth.

  “I miss you, too. I feel so far away.”

  I managed a hoarse chuckle. “That’s because you are. You’re going to bed late.”

  “My client took me out.”

  “How was it?”

  “Boring. I was thinking of you the whole time. Wishing you were here with me. You’d love this city. I’m sure you already know lots of interesting facts about it.”

  I smiled. “I do.”

  His deep chuckle rumbled through the phone. I wanted to cry. I loved him so much it was almost painful.

  “I’m in bed and still wishing you were here.” His sexy voice dropped an octave. “Guess what I’m doing.”

  “Um…knitting?”

  He laughed and the sound vibrated through my body, provoking a different type of tremor. “I guess you could call it that, but I only have one needle, and it’s very hard.”

  Despite the emotions colliding inside me, his words sparked a flare of arousal in my groin. I bit my lip. “I don’t know what you can make with one needle.”

  “I’d like to make us both come.”

  His slow breath shimmied into my ear and I knew he was stroking himself. The thought made my nipples harden to points. I smiled, focusing on his choppy breaths. “I think you have the right equipment for that.”

  He gave a rough chuckle. “What are you wearing, Stats?”

  “Hmm….a Victoria’s Secret crotchless red lace teddy.”

  “Sooo…that would be the red sweats with the V-neck and the elastic-waist baggy pants?”

  “Exactly.”

  “The ones with the hole worn into the right elbow?”

  “Yup.” These were my favorite.

  Deep laughter rang through the phone, and I couldn’t help but join in. Even when I was feeling at my lowest, he had a way of lifting my spirits with his constant humor.

  “God, I love you…” He sighed at the end of a laugh.

  “I love you more,” I said seriously. I wanted to weep. The constant seesaw of emotions was eating away at me.

  “Impossible.” I could sense him grinning on the other end. “Now, take off those sweats. I want you naked.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  I cinched the phone with my shoulder and scooted out of my sweat pants and underwear. I left my sweatshirt on, figuring I was really only interested in my lower half, then I pulled the sheet over me.

  “Take the top off, too. And the bra. Set those beautiful breasts free,” he breathed. “And no sheet.”

  I rolled my eyes, smiling because he knew me so well. “Give me a sec.”

  Placing the cell on the pillow, I took off all my clothes, then I scampered to the wall and secretly turned off the light.

  “Okay, I’m naked,” I informed him when I returned, reclining on my back.

  “Good. I’m way ahead of you, though. I’m rock hard from just thinking about fucking you.”

  His words sent a flutter through my already wet sex. I’d never done anything like this and anticipation was forcing a hunger deep in my belly.

  “I’d love to have you in my arms, feel your skin against mine, smell your hair,” he intoned slowly. “I miss that.”

  “Me too. I love how you touch me.”

  “Touch your lips, trace them.”

  For one brief moment, I paused, peering into the darkness, not exactly sure which lips he were talking about. Did you just jump right into it? I didn’t know. I heard him laugh as he sensed my confusion.

  “The ones on your face.” He chuckled. “We’ll get to the other ones soon enough.”

  I could feel my skin turning red. Was there a manual for phone sex I could pull up online?

  My lips were still swollen from biting them, tender and raw.

  “Imagine my lips on you, kissing you, licking them,” he whispered.

  I lightened the touch and sensation whispered over them. I groaned, wishing my fingers were his skillful mouth.

  “That’s it, rub your hands down your neck and chest, over your breasts and down your belly. That’s my lips and tongue all over you, tasting your skin.”

  I did as he instructed, lingering on my breasts. Pleasure streaked through me when I plucked my nipples. By the time I got to my stomach, I was writhing on the bed, desperate to push my hands between my legs.

  Dex’s breath came faster. “My cock is so hard for you. I’m stroking it slowly up and down. God, I want you. I want to be inside you. The head is swollen. Cum is leaking all over my fist.”

  “Mmm…Dex,” I groaned, “I want you in my mouth.”

  “Fuck, Stats!” he gasped. “Touch your pussy. Tell me what it feels like.”

  My legs parted and my fingers opened my folds. “I’m wet, and soft. It feels good.”

  “Yesss! Play with your clit. When you masturbate, do you put a finger inside?”

  I shook my head as if he could see me. “No. I stay on the outside.”

  “I want you to put a finger deep in you pussy. Do it!” he ordered roughly.

  I reached lower and sank a finger into my flesh, groaning at the buzz of pleasure that jerked my hips off the bed and pushed down to my toes.

  “My cock wants to be in there so badly,” Dex rushed out. “I want to slide inside that hot, wet pussy and feel you squeeze around me. No damn condom. Just your tight heat.”

  “Oh! God, Yes! Fuck me.” I moved my hand back up to finger my burning clit. Deep ripples of pleasure flung waves up and down my body. All I could think about was Dex moving inside me, stretching me, filling me. “Fuck me, please…”

  “Shit! You’re killing me. I’m bending you over and fucking you so hard right now, giving you every thick inch of my cock, grabbing your gorgeous ass and driving deep.”

  “Yes, please!” I could barely breathe.

  “Stats, I’m so close I can’t even touch myself or I’ll come. I’m just fingering my balls and thinking about your beautiful body. They’re so hard and full, ready to shoot. What are you doing?”

  “Rubbing my clit. It feels great.”

  “Imagine that’s my tongue licking you, moving faster and faster on your clit. I love how you taste. I lo
ve the smell of your pussy. I want my face between your legs. Oh, Stats, I want to lick you.”

  His words drove me crazy, sharpening my pleasure to a piercing point. My finger pulsed quickly over my flesh and my orgasm erupted. “Yes! I—I—oh, shit! Oh—”

  My eyes flew open. Nothing happened.

  “Fuck yes!” Dex was shouting, his breath panting harshly. “I’ve got my fingers wrapped around my cock. It feels like it’s gonna burst. I’m inside you, fucking you hard. You feel so fucking good, Stats. Your pussy is so fucking tight. I can’t wait any longer! Take my cum. Fuck! So good! Fuck! Unh! Fuuuuuk!”

  There was about a full minute of such erratic breathing on both our parts that I wondered if the paramedics would be needed. It took a long while before my heart rate slowed to normal. I peered into the darkness, wondering what the hell had just happened. I had an orgasm—but I didn’t. I was so excited—so close. It started, and then—just stopped.

  Shit! I felt cheated.

  It was as though my body couldn’t follow through. I inhaled a deep breath. I was languid and buttery, as if my limbs were made of jelly. Maybe my electrolytes were off. Maybe my muscles couldn’t contract the way they needed to get me to orgasm.

  That sucked! That session with Dex was so freaking hot. I loved his sexy, dirty talk.

  I tried to reorient my mind, not sure where Dex was. I was certain he’d dropped the phone at the end.

  There was rustling on the line, then Dex’s deep chuckle. “Christ, Stats! You should see the mess I’ve made. I think I hit the fucking headboard.”

  I smiled, but my mind was still preoccupied. “That doesn’t surprise me. All that horniness and rhythm.”

  He laughed. “I think you got a scoop yourself. God must’ve taken a stroll by the library. That was amazing. You’re actually pretty good at this.”

  “It’s what you do to me,” I said, remembering his words to me.

  “I think when I come home we’ll have to set you up with a Skype account.”

  I didn’t respond. I wasn’t sure how I felt about him seeing me real-time. Knowing Dex, it wouldn’t just be my face he’d be interested in.

  “And,” he continued, “next time we do this, you’ll leave the light on.”

  Shit, he knew me all too well. I needed to get off the phone so I could contemplate what hadn’t just happened.

  “Don’t you have to go clean up?”

  “Wish you were here to help.”

  I could sense him smiling, imagine the dimple digging into his left cheek, his gray eyes twinkling wickedly. How could I keep lying to this man? My bingeing was out of control. My anxiety was getting worse. I squeezed my eyes shut and swallowed against a tight, prickly throat. “Good night.”

  “Don’t stay up too late studying. Get some rest.”

  “Good night.”

  “Love you.”

  “Love you more.”

  I dreamed about Jake. I hadn’t dreamed about him since I’d visited his grave. He wasn’t in his hospital bed. He was sitting Indian-style on a grassy knoll on top of a steep hill. Above, the sky was as blue as his eyes, dotted with fluffy, white clouds. He smiled as a soft breeze stirred his thick, dark hair. His face lit up when he saw me and his eyes sparkled. He told me he was waiting for me.

  I woke up terrified.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Dex

  I could already hear the steady buzz of chatter and the synchronized melody of a good jazz band before I reached the door. It sounded like a large, boisterous crowd. I hope I didn’t look too stiff in my dark suit. I’d come straight from work. Henry had given me the thumbs up, glowing praise coming from a man who thought he could design better evening gowns than Vera Wang.

  I slipped into the colossal dining room just as a waiter was coming through the door. Standing at the entrance, I surveyed the throng. How was I going to find Alexa in this crowd? I’d taken about three steps when I was approached by a slender blonde.

  “You look lost,” she smiled, her gaze giving me a full audit.

  “As a matter of fact, I am,” I replied, my eyes still scanning the room.

  “Lost and…lonely.”

  That got my attention. I looked at her and laughed, shaking my head. She was wearing a thoughtful look on her face, still sizing me up. I couldn’t help thinking that she looked familiar, but I had trouble placing the face.

  “I’m looking for someone.”

  She clucked her tongue, tucking her wavy blond hair behind an ear. Wispy bangs fell just above pale blue eyes. Pretty eyes, but not nearly as striking as Stats’. The dress she wore, though, could’ve been painted on her thin, hour-glass figure. Too skinny, in my book. I liked my women on the curvier side, with a nice, round ass. Stats was perfect. I wondered if I’d do this for the rest of my life—compare every woman I met to Alexa. They’d come up lacking.

  “Wait—lost, lonely, and looking for someone?” She laughed, a husky, seductive sound. “Today must be my lucky day.”

  I wondered if she was tipsy, but her eyes were too sharp, too determined. She was carrying a coat slung over her arm, but wasn’t toting any alcohol.

  I pushed a hand through my hair. I’d been in this situation enough to know it was time to cut the rope.

  “I’m looking for my girlfriend.”

  She pouted full red lips and leaned in close. “Now, why did you have to go burst my bubble?” Her words were contrary to the amusement playing in her eyes. She didn’t give a shit about my girlfriend.

  I stepped back. She was so close that her breasts brushed against my arm. I was pretty sure it wasn’t an accident. God, this woman was bold. I didn’t want to be rude, but I was growing irritated.

  “Enjoy your evening,” I nodded politely and stepped away, aware that her eyes were still glued to me and that she still had that stupid pout on her lips.

  I sighed. I hated parties. I just wanted to find Stats, put in my time, and then maybe we could slip out and head home. My flight had gotten in late last night and I was tired. All this traveling was killing me. I hated being away from her so often. I knew she’d had a rough two weeks with midterms and papers due. Almost every moment was spent studying. She was stressed out. I could hear tension lace her voice whenever we’d spoken on the phone.

  My mind kept replaying our argument at my apartment, looping it like a horror movie. She was bulimic. The thought inspired a profound fear, chased by a spark of anger. Although all the signs were there, I’d been in denial. Her constant disappearing act had always seemed strange to me. Worry had skirted the fringes of my brain for a while, but I’d been too stubborn to grant it attention. I’d been too busy falling in love, too awed by these feelings I’d rebelled against for so long.

  I was angry at myself for not recognizing Alexa’s illness sooner. She’d been good at concealing it, pulling excuses and lies out of her bag like a magician with a repertoire of tricks. My stomach twisted when I recalled all the lies she’d told me.

  One thing I could never tolerate was lies.

  I sighed, glad the bulimia was behind us. I worried greatly about her health, was certain I would never recover if anything were to happen to her. It was good knowing she felt the same about me and wouldn’t jeopardize her health, or our relationship, with further deception and more lies.

  I shouldered my way through a crowd strangling the bar. On the other side were several rows of dining tables. I spotted her. Alexa stood with two other girls and a tall, gangly guy with dark hair, posing for a picture. I stopped for a moment, my breath stolen by the allure of her smile and her effortless beauty.

  My heart did that funny thing it always did when I saw her. I stared, dreamily absorbing her. She was wearing a long, black skirt with a red, sparkly holiday sweater that hung just past her hips. It was huge, frumpy, a colorful reindeer on the front. She had a gorgeous body and didn’t need to always hide it. When was she going to realize that?

  The photographer insisted on another picture and the group issued
a collective groan while shifting positions. The dark-haired guy sidled in next to Alexa, draping his arm intimately around her waist. He was way too close. I clenched my jaw as I resisted the urge to stalk over and physically remove the offending appendage—from his body.

  When the photographer left, I made my way to the table. One of her girlfriends spotted me first, and I watched a big smile emerge before she turned to the girl next to her and whispered something into her ear. The girl with short hair tapped Alexa on the shoulder and pointed to me.

  Alexa pivoted, and my throat tightened at the look that came across her face. She seemed to suck in a small bit of air before her breath hitched. Her eyes glowed warmer than the holiday lights and a big smile filled out her cheeks.

  I was close enough now to pull her into my arms. And I did, holding her tight and crushing my lips down on hers. She was soft, beautiful, exquisitely perfect. I molded her to my body and swiped a much-needed taste from her lips, feeling like I’d found the last piece of a puzzle that had been missing for a week.

  The crowd at the table hooted and applauded, and I reluctantly pulled away. Stats pushed up her glasses, her skin a deep crimson, reflecting her sweater. A grimace crossed her face.

  “Boy, you sure know how to make an entrance.” She chuckled.

  “Couldn’t help it.” I leaned close to her ear, nodded to her sweater. “I haven’t seen you in a week. You’re lucky I didn’t toss you on the table and rip that reindeer to shreds.”

  She tsked, smiling. “Now where’s your Christmas spirit?”

  I grinned. “Right now it’s in my pants.”

  Her eyes widened, but she bit her lip to keep from laughing. My eyes latched on there. Slipping her hand in mine, she tugged me over to the table. All I wanted to do was kiss her again.

  She introduced me to Tina, Monika, and John. I vaguely remembered them from months ago when I’d stewed outside the hospital, waiting for my hit-and-run. How long ago that seemed now. I’d heard so much about this group from Alexa that I felt like I already knew them. They each gave me a friendly, assessing smile.