Keeping Secrets

by Lisa Eugene

  I briefly met Tina’s gaze. She looked like she wanted to cry. The sympathy in her eyes echoed the dread swamping me. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I blinked back tears and took a few deep breaths, forcing rational thought to displace my frenzied emotions. The security guard finished up and left, following the reluctant crowd. Rhonda’s gaze met mine before she turned behind him, but I could swear it was filled with nothing but gloating satisfaction.

  Alone, I faced Dr. Leon. “I did not steal that equipment. There’s no way I’d do this.”

  He laced his hands behind his back, scrutinized my face. “This is a very competitive school. You’re a smart girl, Miss Kennedy, with the ability to go very far. But sometimes, stress and the desire to win can get the better of us—make us do irrational things.” He gave a long sigh. “We encourage healthy competition, but—”

  “But I didn’t do it!” Panic gripped me at his words. He didn’t believe me. He’d already reached his own conclusions. “And if I did steal this stuff, why would I hide the equipment here—in my locker?”

  He blew out a breath. “I’m in no mood for games. I was informed that the equipment wasn’t always here, that you were attempting to sell some of it to a first year student and brought it in today.”

  “What? What do you mean informed?” I exploded. What he was saying was preposterous.

  “Someone overheard you on the phone with another student, trying to sell the equipment. I was immediately alerted.”

  Anger and disbelief boiled over, visibly shaking my limbs. “Who informed you—Rhonda?” I barked. “I’m sure she’s at the bottom of this! She’s been after me since second year. She’d stop at nothing to get that valedictorian spot!”

  “This has nothing to do with Miss Rothford.”

  “I’m sure it does. Don’t let her shocked routine fool you!” I was almost screaming now, my voice quivering as I tried to penetrate his steely resolve.

  “It was not Miss Rothford who informed me of your intentions. I’m not at liberty to disclose the identity of the student. It was someone who was just trying to do the right thing, someone who bears no malice against you personally.”

  “Well, obviously if they’d lie—”

  “Is there anyone else who has the combination to your locker?”

  I blinked. “No.”

  “Anyone else at all who would have access?”

  “N-no.”

  He blew out another breath. “We can’t condone stealing or sabotage here. We have no tolerance for such things. The evidence speaks for itself. I’m sure you understand the gravity of this situation.”

  “Wh-what do you mean?”

  “It seems you’re no stranger to trouble. Considering that you’re already on probation, you leave me no choice but to recommend your dismissal from the medical program.”

  His words slammed me like a sledgehammer, shattering my world into tiny, unrecognizable pieces. My thoughts flew apart.

  “You are expelling me from the program?” I breathed in disbelief, eyes wide.

  “The board won’t be able to meet until after the break, but that will be my recommendation—yes. I expect that they’ll agree. There is an arbitration process if you so desire, but the evidence speaks for itself. You may also request a transfer to a different school.”

  Other school? No other medical school would take me after this. He knew that. Hot tears burned my cheeks. Oh God, this is a nightmare. Deep, sinking despair flooded me. My hard work was lost, my dreams exploding to scraps. All I could see was my father’s face, hear the stinging wrath of his voice—an echo of his many warnings. White noise filled my head like the steady hum of bees.

  “It’s a shame, Miss Kennedy. I had high hopes for you, but this…this was an outrageously foolish thing to do.”

  With that, he was gone. He’d walked out the door with my future.

  My gaze flitted around the empty room. Wild. Erratic. I twisted my fingers frantically. I was somewhere outside myself, looking on with horror.

  Expelled from medical school. Oh, God! I brought my hands to my face, but they trembled so badly they could only knock together.

  What was I going to do?

  “Alexa?” The tentative call came from behind me. I whirled to see Tina and John huddled in the doorway, eyes wide and faces filled with alarm. I wondered if they’d overheard my conversation with Dr. Leon. Either way, I was sure the expression on my face reported the news. I was seriously fucked.

  “Are you okay?” John murmured.

  I couldn’t answer. Only a sob bubbled up from my throat.

  “We know there’s no way you—”

  I pushed my way past them, my feet carrying me blindly down the hall and out of the hospital.

  Outside, I dug my phone from my bag and frantically dialed Dex. I needed to talk to him, to hear his voice. I needed him to tame this massive tornado spinning inside me. Hearing his voicemail, I hung up. I couldn’t talk to a machine. I thought about calling my parents, but discarded the notion. I couldn’t talk to them now. How would I face them?

  Apprehension chewed at me. Dr. Leon’s words replayed in my head, battering my brain in a jarring echo. Shaking, I started walking. I was oblivious to the people passing me, the roar of traffic, barely notice that my jacket was clutched to my chest. Cold air lashed cruelly at my face and neck, adding to my beating. A constant percussion of emotion strummed through my body, loud. Abrasive.

  I took a cab to my apartment, and minutes later, turned the key in my door. Hurrying my steps, I made a beeline for the toilet. Nausea clawed at my throat while panic popped firecrackers under my skin. I tried to calm down, tried to figure out my next step.

  I’d hire a lawyer and sue the school. I’d show up at the board meeting and plead my case. One, I had no money for legal fees, and two, unless I could prove that Rhonda put the equipment in my locker, I was screwed.

  The university was a private institution and the board could do whatever it wanted. I could go public and threaten the reputation of the school by protesting the unfair expulsion, but that would only damage me further. I’d be viewed as a troublemaker—a disgruntled, dishonest student. I’d be a pariah. Who would believe me?

  Dex would help me figure this out. He was the voice of reason, always my anchor in a storm.

  Tossing my coat on the couch, I entered my bedroom. My feet froze when Dex came out of my bathroom. I startled, a noise flying out of my throat. Relief poured over me, loosening the tension coiling around my neck and shoulders. He must’ve gotten out of work early. I was so happy to see him that I tensed, ready to leap into his arms.

  He stopped at the bathroom door and held something up. My stomach plummeted when I saw it.

  My winter glove.

  The one I’d removed the fingers from, the one I’d been using to purge.

  Relief was quickly swapped for fear and dread. My stomach rattled and churned. Dex stood silently, his jaw square and his gray eyes simmering with anger and hurt.

  He didn’t have to ask. He knew I was still purging. Fuck! He knew!

  “I just want to know why.” His voice was hard, his frame ramrod straight. He wore a shirt and tie, looking ridiculously handsome. I noticed his jacket tossed on the bed.

  Swallowing slowly, I felt my throat constrict. “I…I—”

  “Why are you still lying to me?”

  Tears filled my eyes. I squeezed my lids shut, trying to find my voice. “I’m sorry…”

  He barked out a dry laugh. “What the fuck, Stats?” Sniffing the glove, he turned up his nose. “What is going on?”

  How could I explain everything to him? How could I tell him that my world was falling apart, that I was falling apart?

  “Dex, everything’s a mess. It’s horrible.”

  He tossed the glove on the bed, stepping closer to me. “Damn right, it’s a mess. It hasn’t been a few months, has it? You’ve been bulimic for a long time. You’ve been hiding it.”

  I shook my head, not wantin
g to talk about that now.

  “Don’t fucking lie to me,” he warned harshly. I could tell he was trying hard not to explode. A muscle ticked wildly at the base of his jaw.

  “Years,” I whispered, my gaze on the floor.

  “Years?” He caged my chin hard, tilted my gaze up to his. “You have to get help. It’s a mental illness. It’s not going to just go away.”

  His words pulled a trigger in my muscles and I jerked away from him, angry. “I’m not crazy!”

  “You need to get help!” he yelled, his voice loud enough to shake the air. “I don’t know why you feel you have to do this!”

  I looked away. I couldn’t discuss this now. What I needed was to figure a way out of today’s disaster. There was no way I was seeing any doctors. That would only pound nails into the coffin my career was already laying in.

  “I can’t, Dex.”

  “We’re talking about your health. You have to get treated. You need to see a doctor.”

  “Dex, I can’t see any doctors.” I swung my head. “No! No! I can’t do that. I’m in enough trouble.”

  He dropped his hand and took a step back, looking entirely defeated. “Then I can’t do this.”

  My eyes splayed open, dread wrenching my heart apart. Tears blurred my vision. “What do you mean? What are you saying?”

  “I mean I can’t watch you hurt yourself—or worse.”

  “Dex, I—”

  “I just can’t because it will kill me,” he ground out, his face twisting in agony. “I can’t go through that again. I’m done.”

  “Y-you mean it’s over? Please…you don’t understand what’s happened.”

  He shoved one hand through his hair and grabbed his jacket off the bed. When he turned to me, his gaze was empty.

  “How could I ever trust you? Sometimes I feel like I don’t know you at all. I’m trying to figure out if everything you’ve ever told me is a lie.”

  His words slid through me with the precision of a hot blade, leaving me raw. Gutted.

  “Dex, please don’t do this, don’t leave me.” I breathed unsteadily, my throat scraping like sandpaper. “Please…”

  With one last, lingering look, he took a deep breath and disappeared through the door.

  “Dex!” I wailed when I heard my apartment door slam shut.

  I grabbed fists full of hair and pulled hard, ignoring the scream from my scalp. Sorrow like I’d never felt before cleaved me open, tearing down the walls of the dark well inside me. Brick by brick I crumbled without resistance. Despair leaked everywhere, filling my throat so I couldn’t breathe, squeezing my heart so it couldn’t beat, and wringing my stomach tight until I fell to the floor, retching painfully. I drew up tight, curling into a ball, accepting the pain, letting it wash over me until I could do nothing but drown in it. I had no will, no strength. I had nothing.

  Dex saw it all now with somber clarity. My flaws. My imperfections. My ugliness. My hopes and dreams had disintegrated in one day. Everything was gone. The pain was eviscerating, too much to endure.

  I needed it all to stop. I’d tried to stem the pain for so long, but I couldn’t find the strength to do it anymore.

  Standing on shaky legs, I calmly removed my glasses and wiped away my tears. Then I walked into to bathroom and locked the door.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Dex

  Enveloped in the darkness, I let the alcohol numb me. I’d found the case of vodka Henry had dropped off at my apartment months ago. So far I’d made a nice dent in one of the bottles. I’d known this company would be a good investment. This was some good shit. Smooth. I should really get a glass. The next time I got my ass off the couch, I’d get a glass. Stats would scold me for drinking from the bottle.

  Leaning back, I defiantly slammed my socked feet on top of the coffee table and took another swig of vodka. When am I going to learn my lesson? I gazed out the glass windows that gave a panoramic view of New York City’s skyline and repeated the question, then waited for a voice to shout an answer from the darkness. None forthcoming, I took an enthusiastic drag from the bottle, vodka rolling down my chin and splashing my shirt.

  The jingle of keys and the turn of my lock made my head snap up. Seconds later, my door pushed open. A spark of hope buzzed inside me just before I killed it, laughing derisively.

  I was never going to learn.

  The lights flicked on, scorching my eyes.

  “Shit!” I put out a palm and squinted, trying to block out the pain and the throb beating at my temples.

  “Dex? What the hell are you doing?” came Henry’s reproachful voice. “You look like shit.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Are you drunk?” He was closer now, staring at me as though I was a bug under a microscope.

  “Trying to be, so don’t interrupt.”

  “Where’s Alexa?”

  I scrubbed a hand up and down my face and tried to sit up. “Probably sticking a finger down her throat,” I mumbled under my breath, then cursed angrily.

  “What?” Henry frowned. “I didn’t hear you.”

  “Nothing. I didn’t say a damn thing,” I took another gulp of feel-good, hoping it would start to live up to its nickname.

  “What the hell happened?” he asked, grabbing the bottle out of my hand. I complained, but he was a bad sport and wouldn’t give it back.

  “It’s over.”

  “What are you talking about?” Slow disbelief widened his eyes. “Don’t tell me she said no.”

  My rough chuckle filled the room. I dug into my pocket and pulled out the velvet box containing the ring I’d intended to give her tonight. An engagement ring. I snorted and threw it on the table.

  Henry breathed in so deeply I could hear the air shuttling in and out of his lungs.

  “What the hell happened?”

  I squinted through the slit of one eye, the light still feeling like nails in my sockets.

  “It’s over. I’m done.”

  Henry’s features turned angry. His fists landed at his hips. “You broke up with her? Why?”

  I sighed deeply, wishing I had Mr. Feel-Good back. “Because she’s messed up, that’s why. She’s fucked in the head! All she does is lie to me,” I declared loudly.

  Henry looked at the bottle. “How much of this have you had to drink?”

  “Not nearly enough,” I grunted. “You know how I’m always joking with you about not setting me up with crazy women? Well, here I go falling in love with a total nutcase!”

  Henry set the bottle firmly on the table and took a step toward me. “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on with Alexa, but I know that you need her and I have a feeling she needs you, too.”

  “Bullshit. I don’t need anyone. I’m meant to be alone. I almost forgot that.”

  He was quick to shake his head. “That’s not true. You’ve changed in the last few months. I never thought I’d see you this happy again.”

  “Well, it was all a lie. All lies. The whole relationship was probably a lie.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I don’t know her. She keeps so many secrets. I wonder if she even loves me. She lies to me over and over and over!” I spat the words out angrily.

  “So that’s it? You’re just going to walk away?”

  “Yup. Sayonara.”

  “You know…that’s what you always do.”

  “What?” My brows lifted. “What are you talking about?”

  “Leave. When things get tough, you leave. That’s the way you’ve operated for the last five years.”

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  “Is it?” Henry’s lips pinched. “You have to leave first, before they leave you.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” My head started to pound.

  “I think I do.” Henry folded his arms across his chest and regarded me through narrowed eyes. “You’re just a scared little boy. Every chance at a relationship you’ve had over the last few years, you’ve
walked away from. You always find a reason to leave. You’re scared.”

  “Shut the fuck up.”

  “No, it’s true.” He shifted his weight onto one foot. “Everyone you’ve ever loved has left you, and you’re just afraid that it will happen again, so you never stick it out.”

  I shook my head in denial.

  “I was willing to stick this out. I was going to marry her. You know how much I love her.”

  “Then why did you leave? You’re scared.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.” I said stiffly.

  “Don’t I?” he returned angrily. “First your father left you.”

  “Shut up, Henry.”

  “Then your mother.”

  “Shut up, Henry.”

  “Then your stepmother and stepfather,”

  “You don’t know what you’re saying.” Anger ballooned inside me, filling every inch of space.

  “Then your wife.”

  I lunged from the couch, my fist catching Henry’s jaw. Rage hammered my head, beating me up from inside.

  “You are never to talk about her!” I yelled, my finger inches from his face. “Amanda never had a choice!”

  Henry cupped his jaw, testing it. “Shit, that hurt.”

  “S-she never had a choice!” I stammered out.

  “No.” Henry straightened. “Neither did your step-parents. But it’s been six years since Amanda died, Dex. Six years since that brain tumor took her life, and many more since your step-parents and your parents have been gone.”

  “And you know what hell I went through!” I reminded him raggedly. “I watched her die.”

  “You’ve been lucky enough to find love again. Don’t let it go.”

  “Fuck off.”

  “Dex, I’m serious.”

  “I am, too!” I started pacing the length of floor in front of my couch. “Do I have a sign on me that says it’s okay for fate to keep fucking with me? What is it? I’d like to know. Am I a glutton for punishment? Must I keep losing the people I love?” I passed a hand through my hair and shook my head, aware that I was rambling now. “I can’t do it anymore, Henry.” I blinked hard, my eyes stinging. “I can’t stand by and watch it happen again.”