Keeping Secrets

by Lisa Eugene

  “When you leave here,” I stopped and cleared my throat, my heart racing again. “when you’re discharged, I’d like you to come home with me. It’s silly for us each to have an apartment.”

  Her eyes rounded. A smile broke out, filling her cheeks. “Seriously?”

  “Yes,” I nodded. The look in her eyes moved me. Emotion mixed a drugging warmth in my veins. It flowed sweet and potent. Words started tumbling out of my mouth. God, I was so nervous.

  “I love you. I want you in my life always, Stats. I want a future with you. I know in my heart that fate brought us together. We need each other. Whatever life throws at us, we’ll face together. There’s plenty of room in my apartment.”

  I didn’t think her eyes could get any wider. They were the size of saucers. She was beaming. A joyful scream rent the air, stinging my ears. She was laughing and looking at me like I’d sprouted an extra head. A loud laugh rumbled from her throat. A Stats laugh. The one I loved. She flung herself at me, knocking me over on the bed and straddling me. I started laughing myself, mostly from nervous tension.

  “What are you saying?” she shrieked. “Are you asking me to move in with you?”

  “Yes,” I said, my heart a hammer in my chest, my head about to burst open. “Yes!”

  She grinned down at me. I looked at her, my stomach twisting into ropy knots. I loved that she seemed so happy, that she was bursting with it. I held my breath. One thing was notably obvious. She wasn’t saying yes. Maybe I shouldn’t have sprung it on her like this. It was all too much, especially on the heels of telling her about John and getting accepted back into med school. I’m sure she was overwhelmed. I should’ve waited. But what was done was done.

  I wanted her with me. For life.

  I rolled us onto our sides so we were face to face. My shaky fingers tucked her hair back from her face. I needed to see her eyes.

  “Stats?” My voice was a whisper. She knew what I was asking.

  Her eyes shone with love, but there was also something else swirling in their depths.

  “Dex, you have made me so happy. I can’t imagine a life without you. I’m insanely happy that you want me to move in with you.”

  “But?” I heard it in her voice. My chest collapsed.

  She swallowed hard. “I can’t do it. Not now.” She sighed heavily. “I can’t, for the same reasons I’m ambivalent about school. I’m still healing…mentally and physically.” She looked down at the raw scars on her wrist and I wanted to cry. “I need to heal. I want to be sure of who I am, or perhaps I want to be just further along in the process of finding out. That’s a journey I need to take before I can make any major decisions.”

  She paused for a moment, then took another breath.

  “I need to go back to my apartment…I don’t know…maybe get a job. Pay my bills. Learn to live and cope with my illness.” She cupped my cheek and smile. “Spend time with my boyfriend.”

  My throat thickened. I didn’t think I’d be able to speak. I understood her words and the meaning behind them. Hell, I agreed with everything she’d said. That didn’t diminish the sting.

  Patience. I had to remind myself. Stats had been to hell and back the past few months. She was still trying to find her way. I needed to allow her time to do that.

  I’d learned a lot about myself in this whole process. I’d learned how to trust my heart. I’d learned to trust the love I felt for this woman. I now knew how to fight for my future rather than run away from it. And for Stats I’d fight. I’d wait. As long as I needed to.

  “I understand, Stats. Just know that I’m here.”

  I kissed her lips, then pulled her against my chest. We laid together for a long time, kissing slowly, absorbing each other. We were one. Silently connected. I turned us so that her head rested on my chest. I stared up at the ceiling, letting the quiet contentment and the power of our emotions saturate me.

  “Let’s play a game,” I suggested.

  She chuckled, nodding against my shirt.

  “If you could be anything in the universe, what would you be?”

  She was quiet for a long time, then her soft voice floated to me. “Human.”

  “That’s against the rules,” I chuckled. “You can’t be human.”

  Her palm slowly skimmed over my chest. I clutched it to my heart. She gave a sarcastic snort. “For the first time, I want to be human.”

  I brushed my lips across her temple. Something warm slid through me. “Okay. We can bend the rules this time. I’ll be a human, too.” I thought for a moment. “But I’ll be a caveman so I can drag you back to my man-cave and do wonderfully wicked things to you.”

  She started laughing as I described exactly what devilishly sexy things I planned on doing to her in my cave. Half of it was obscenely bawdy and the other half might not have even been humanly possible, but she kept laughing and making that soft, whispery sigh that stirred the hair on the back of my neck. And I loved that sound, so I kept talking.

  The journey of a thousand miles

  begins with a single step

  —Lao Tzu

  Alexa

  I was all done packing. Truthfully, it hadn’t taken long. I didn’t have much. Dex poked his head into the bathroom, checking to see if I’d forgotten anything. He emerged with a sad look on his face. I bit my lip to keep from laughing at his exaggerated clown face.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I’m gonna miss that room. We had some good times in there.”

  I rolled my eyes and he waggled his brows. His gray eyes twinkled as a grin broke out on his face. He was in jeans and his leather jacket, looking more gorgeous than any man had a right to be.

  My gaze landed on the bed and my two small, packed duffle bags. My mom was meeting me at my apartment to help me settle in. I had my prescriptions in my bag that I needed to fill at the drug store on my way home. My appointments with the psychiatrist, with Amy, and with the nutritionist were set for the next several months.

  I was glad Amy had a private practice here at the clinic. I would’ve hated to have to start over with a different therapist. I still had a great deal of anxiety about going home. The thought had flutters rippling through my belly. This was a necessary step in my journey. I knew that. I had to learn how to cope and face stressful situations in a productive manner rather than letting panic take over, rather than stressing and binge eating.

  “Should I get the car?” Dex asked, eyeing me.

  My gaze did a final sweep around the room. Johnson was still sitting on my bedside table.

  “Hold on a minute,” I said, grabbing the basketball. “I’ll be right back.”

  I sprinted down the hall, stopping in front of Laura’s room. She knew I was leaving today. I was surprised she hadn’t come by. I knocked. It took her a few minutes to answer. She shared a room with two other girls.

  The door opened and she stared at me, expressionless. Her dark hair was messy and her clothes wrinkled. I wondered if I’d awakened her. A tic was starting in her shoulders.

  “I wanted to say goodbye.” I smiled and handed her the basketball. “This is for you. You keep Johnson. It’s very special.”

  She took the ball. For the first time I saw a full smile. It was beautiful. Usually her tic would’ve progressed by now, but her body seemed to quiet.

  “Remember to use your words,” I whispered. “You have a beautiful voice.”

  She looked down at Johnson, then back at me.

  “Thank you,” she said.

  My insides lit up. In a burst of happiness, I hugged her. She didn’t hug me back, but it was okay.

  I turned and headed back to my room, then realized I needed to knock on one more door.

  Susan pulled her door open, eyes narrowing when she saw me. I swallowed hard, wondering what the hell I was doing here.

  “Thought you’d be gone by now,” she tossed at me.

  “You’re afraid to leave this place.” I blurted out, realizing my gut was in my throat.

 
“What?” she frowned. Her brown eyes pierced me.

  “You are afraid to leave. That’s why you won’t take your meds. If you get better, they’ll make you leave. I know how you feel. I’m afraid, too. It’s a scary world out there.”

  She gaped at me, her eyes round. I took another fortifying breath.

  “Don’t be afraid. Trust in yourself.” I leaned in and gave her a hug, then took off down the hall before she could scold me and tell me to mind my own damn business. I waited for the words to hit my back as I hurried to my room. They never came.

  Dex eyed me warily when I entered the room. I looked like I’d just run a marathon. He pulled me into his arms.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yes.” I smiled up at him, loving the infinite patience in his eyes. “I’m ready to go home.”

  Epilogue

  Twelve years later…

  There was a buzz in the air. The crowd was swollen with anticipation. I should be used to this by now, but my stomach churned with apprehension. I was probably more nervous than Stats. You’d think I was the one about to go on stage and address three hundred people. There was an impatient jerk on the sleeve of my Tux, causing me to look down at my eight year-old daughter. She was tall for her age, her eyes blue and intelligent, like her mother’s. She pushed up her glasses and gave me a dramatic sigh.

  “Dad!” she whined. “We have to sit down. Mom’s about to go on.”

  “Okay, okay, I’m coming.”

  “Grandma is already sitting. She’s probably looking for us.”

  I scrubbed a hand down my face and over my short-cropped beard, then followed behind Allison as we wound our way around packed tables in the huge ballroom. The room was elegantly decorated. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling, illuminating expectant faces. Familiar people smiled and nodded as I walked by. A senator waved from a corner table. We found our table in the front easily, slipping into our seats. Mom greeted me with a warm smile, then gave Allison a big hug.

  Allison beamed at her grandmother, then turned her attention to the stage. Stats was introduced. I held my breath as I watched her approach the podium. My heart lurched. She was simply stunning. Her hair fell in soft waves around her shoulders. Her face glowed and her eyes were radiant behind her glasses. She wore a gorgeous, off-the-shoulder, fitted silk dress.

  I’d watched her get dressed not two hours ago. We’d almost arrived late because…well, she’d looked so damn good, I’d peeled off all her clothes just as she’d finished. The memory made me want to groan out loud. I could still feel the silky glide of her legs around me as I’d sank into her lush body. I’d delayed us a good half hour, but I had a hard time feeling guilty.

  Her gaze searched the crowd, stopping when it found mine. She smiled. I smiled back with a little nod and blew out the breath I was holding when she started to speak. Her voice carried across the room, confident and assured.

  “Thank you all for being here tonight and for your support and contributions to the Jake Madison Foundation. I’m often asked why I named a foundation that supports children and teens with mental illness after a little boy who lost his battle to cancer. The answer is simple. If you’d know Jake Madison, you wouldn’t have to ask why. He was a brave little boy. He faced his illness with the courage of a giant…”

  I slid my gaze to the table next to us where Jake’s parents were sitting. Mrs. Madison and I exchanged a smile. They never missed one of our fundraisers.

  “Mental illness can be like a cancer. It can be just as vicious and malignant. It’s insidious, and it does not discriminate. It’s a giant that has to be faced and it’s one that can be slaughtered. I’ve been battling with mental illness all my life. It’s an ongoing fight. Twelve years ago, I almost lost my life to suicide, but with the love and support of one incredible man…”

  Allison tugged on my sleeve, then turned and grinned up at me. “She means you, Daddy!” she whispered excitedly. I grinned back and squeezed her small hand resting on my arm.

  I listened as Alexa talked about the foundation and the outreach work it was doing in the community, about the programs to educate parents as well as children and teens about mental illness. Five years ago, she’d created a safe haven for runaways, and a suicide hotline. There was a specially trained psychologist on call twenty-four-seven, who could meet at a moment’s notice with anyone who called. She was now working on setting up similar programs outside the Tri-State area. I was incredibly proud of my wife, and her passion to help others dealing with mental illness.

  China.

  I’d thought God had caused me to miss that plane so I could save Alexa, simply because we needed each other, but now I knew God had wanted me to save Alexa so she could save many others. She took something horrible in her life and used it to help others in need, to do good, to save lives.

  She and her mother ran the foundation, along with a staff of about twenty men and women. Mom lived in Manhattan, not far from our apartment. She’d divorced Alexa’s dad shortly after Alexa’s hospitalization almost twelve years ago. Alexa never told me all the details, but it was evident that her mother had been a victim of abuse at her father’s hands. We hadn’t seen him since the divorce and I couldn’t be happier. The foundation kept Stats busy, but she was tireless when it came to her passion.

  I thought back to all those years ago when she’d crashed into my Spider. My life had never been the same. I was a better man for having met her. But our road hadn’t been easy. A year after her discharge from the hospital, Alexa fell into a deep depression. She had to be hospitalized again for several months. She’d postponed medical school for two years before she finally completed her degree, and we hadn’t gotten married until she’d been all done with school.

  Along with running the foundation, she consulted on research projects for a major pharmaceutical company. Home life kept us extremely busy, but we had a great support system. Although her bulimia was behind us, Alexa still struggled with chronic depression and still had occasional panic episodes.

  I saw the biggest change in her issues with body image and self-worth after she gave birth to our daughter. She went out of her way to instill confidence and a strong self-esteem in Allison, teaching her that she didn’t have to look like the Photoshopped women she saw in magazines. Allison loved attending our fundraisers. She and her mother were extremely close.

  My cell phone buzzed and I pulled it from my pocket, already having an idea who it was. I read the text and had to stifle a laugh.

  DO THEY NOT LOOK DIVINE?

  I stared down at the picture and bit my lip. Tom and Henry were babysitting our nine-month-old twin boys. They’d dressed the babies in matching bibs. Frowning, I enlarged the picture. Was that Tom and Henry’s faces etched on the bibs? Shaking my head in disbelief, I covered the phone with my palm so I could focus on Stats’ speech. I felt sorry for the two of them—not Tom and Henry, but little Matthew and Mark. Their uncles doted on them to the point of absurdity.

  The phone vibrated again.

  BIBS ARE GUCCI. WE HAD THEM MADE. TWO THOUSAND HAND STITCHES. NO NEED TO THANK US.

  Seriously? I covered the phone again, noting that Allison was trying to hide a smile. She’d seen the ridiculous pictures Tom and Henry were sending me of her little brothers.

  The phone buzzed again and I almost cursed under my breath. These two were killing me. I looked down at the newest picture and had to cover a chuckle.

  The twins were no longer wearing the bibs. Mark was holding his in a fat fist, eagerly gnawing on Henry’s face, his gray eyes filled with utter contentment. The bib was already drenched in spittle. I couldn’t see Matthew’s.

  MATTHEW PEED ON HIS. MARK THINKS HIS IS A PACIFIER. THEY’VE OBVIOUSLY INHERITED YOUR FASHION SENSE!

  I turned the phone over on the table. Allison gave in to a giggle. Mom sent me a curious look. She’d seen me look at my phone and was wondering if the twins were all right. I mouthed Tom and Henry’s names and she smiled knowingly. I settled back into my se
at and listened to the rest of my wife’s speech. Minutes later, I stood with the crowd, part of the standing ovation. I couldn’t be more proud of Stats’ achievements. She was a remarkable woman.

  Two hours later, Stats and I slid into the back seat of a taxi, finally heading home after a long night. Allison had left earlier with Mom, excited about spending the night at her grandmother’s apartment.

  I pulled Stats onto my lap, sinking my face into the soft skin of her neck. She wiggled away, laughing when my beard tickled her. She ran her fingers over my chin.

  “Do you think it’s time to shave it?” I asked.

  Her eyes flashed. She pushed up her glasses. “No way! You look so handsome. I love it.”

  I grinned slyly, knowing exactly why. She’d said it felt amazing when I was between her legs.

  “Whatever you wish, Mrs. Blakewell.”

  Her arms slid around my neck. “That’s Mrs. Kuchelmeister to you.”

  I laughed. “I’ll call you what ever you want as long as I get to have you beneath me, naked.” My hand slid up the length of her thigh, pushing up her dress.

  “Did you not already take this dress off me once tonight?” she accused, but she didn’t look upset.

  “Yes, and I intend to do so again as soon as we get home.”

  Her brows slid up. “We have two little monsters who may have something to say about that.”

  “Tom and Henry shouldn’t be a problem. We’ll kick them out.”

  She laughed. A Stats laugh. The one I loved.

  “I was referring to Matthew and Mark.”

  “Hopefully they’ll be asleep by the time we get home, but maybe we shouldn’t waste any time and get started now.”

  Claiming her hand, I nibbled kisses across her palm, whispering my lips over the faded scar on her wrist. My heart squeezed. I could never imagine my life without her. Capturing her lips, I licked my tongue along the seam. When her lips parted, I delved into her mouth. Our tongues tangled in a sultry dance. She tasted like happiness. Like life.