Tough to Love: Saving Avery

by Ava Catori

  On seeing his bare chest, my heart pulsed. He was as built as he felt, and the visual wasn’t disappointing. He was a wall of muscle.

  Climbing beside me, he draped the covers over us, letting me rest in the nook of his arm and chest. I slept better that night than I had in ages. By the time I woke up, he was already in the kitchen. I found him with a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee.

  “How did you sleep?” He said sipping from his mug.

  “Good, thanks,” I felt out of place. I didn’t belong here. He didn’t have to rescue me, but I was glad that he did.

  “Here, sit down, I’ll make you some coffee.”

  “Thanks,” I said while watching him. He moved comfortably in the kitchen, not afraid to use appliances.

  “I don’t think you’re room is safe,” he started. “You should stay with me for a bit, just until we find you something else.”

  I was embarrassed. “I can’t afford anything else. It has to be okay.”

  “Don’t let your pride get in the way of your safety,” it was more of statement than anything, bringing home his point. “How much do you pay for the space?”

  I didn’t want to answer.

  “You can rent out one of my rooms if it’s a matter of pride. You’ll stay here,” he finished, as if I had little to say.

  “I’m my own person, and I can take care of myself,” I started.

  “I want to take care of you, and I know you’ve done fine so far, but just give it a shot. Stick around for a week or two, like a change of pace, and see if it works. I’m not pressuring you, but it’s a genuine offer. I don’t want anything from you, and I’m not hitting on you. I have extra space and you need somewhere better to stay.”

  I didn’t know what to say. He seemed to answer for me.

  “We’ll go get your things after we get cleaned up.”

  I watched his face as he spoke. It’s not that he was asking my approval, he was simply telling me how it was going to be.

  As much as my ego was in a twisted, weird place, it would be a relief to sleep well and have a clean bathroom to use.

  “Go pick one of the back rooms, take whichever you want. I mean it, no pressure. I’m not putting the moves on you; I just want you to be safe.”

  I finally found my words, “Thank you.” What else could I say? It was a crappy room and a scary place to live time to time, and the idea of waking up in a safe environment was a relief. I just didn’t expect his kindness, his genuine desire to want better things for me. I wasn’t used to someone being so good to me.

  We sat talking over breakfast, little bits of his life slipping out, trying to change the topic. He told me about the odd jobs he took growing up, throwing newspapers onto people’s driveways and cutting lawns. He told me about his neighborhood and growing up with his sister and the silly things they would do to pass the time. It was the most he’d ever said at one time, but it was wonderful to see him laugh and smile and tell tales of his past.

  When he asked me for stories of my past, I had none. I couldn’t find one single memory I wanted to share that would make him smile and laugh. It’s not that I didn’t have good memories somewhere in my youth; I just couldn’t pull them up on demand in the moment.

  His face showed swelling where my step-brother’s fist had connected. His nose was fine, so I assumed it was the monster’s nose that crushed under the blow Steel delivered. I heard bone crunching, maybe it was his cheek. I didn’t take time to look at him, only my own guy.

  “Thank you,” I whispered again, this time tears pouring out.

  “Avery, it’s going to be okay. Every day gets a little better. I’m sorry you had to see him, and sorry I couldn’t control my reactions, but time heals so much.”

  “I know, I’m crying out of gratitude, not of pain.”

  He looked at me with curiosity.

  “I’m not used to somebody being so good to me.”

  He stood and pulled me into his arms. “It’s okay, baby, let it out.”

  Chapter 11

  His arms were strong and held me fast. I’m not sure how it happened, one thing leading to another, but soon we were in his room and our clothes were coming off. His lifted my shirt over my head, and as I stood before him, watching him take my body in, I could barely breathe. My breath was shallow, and my heart was lodged in my throat. Melting, I realized I was ready for his touch.

  Steel’s gaze locked on me, his intensity strong, almost smothering. It’s not that it was a bad thing; it’s just that he owned the room – his movements, his words, everything about him felt bigger than life. Would I be who he wanted me to be?

  Reaching around, he unhooked my bra, tenderly removing it. I stood frozen, looking at him, wanting him, but not knowing how to move forward. I didn’t want to be trapped in this state forever. I wanted to love again, to feel things, to share intimacy – it’s just that something in me was guarded. I watched his eyes drink me in.

  “I’m not going to hurt you,” he whispered, sensing my fear. He was in charge, but letting me know he wouldn’t lead me astray.

  I nodded, silent but confused. I wanted him, desperately wanted to be with him, but I couldn’t move and felt stiff. He’d need to help me by going slowly.

  His fingers found my flesh, and as he slid them from my neck to my shoulder and down my arm, he stopped to squeeze my hand. Slowly his fingers traced up my skin, etching ever closer to my chest. His hand moved closer and drew small lazy circles around my breast. Watching me breath, he saw me melt before him. A finger teased my nipple - I thought I might collapse right there on the spot.

  Closing my eyes, I allowed him to continue. He took his time with me, moving slowly and making me feel special. There was no mad rush of intoxicated lovers; this was a man trying to help a woman feel pleasure once again.

  It was his warm mouth on my breast that brought my tears to my eyes. They were genuine and fulfilled tears, tears of joy. I didn’t rebel at his touch, reel away in disgust, but instead welcomed him. I knew we’d be able to move forward, even if it meant slowly. I was ready, and my heart and head finally agreed – Steel Brickman was somebody I could trust.

  His fingers moved slowly as his mouth continued to milk me, lulling me into a cradle of safety. Unbuttoning my jeans, he slowly unzipped them. Holding my breath, I waited and then with a shift over my hips, we pushed them down. I was really going to do this, really going to go there. It was my choice, my choosing, my need, my want, and with my consent we continued forward a tiny bit at a time.

  Stepping out of my jeans, I stood before him in only my panties. That tiny bit of cloth felt like more than it was. I wasn’t fully naked, totally vulnerable yet, and though it was only a triangle of material, it meant that I still had something, anything on. With a leap of faith, I let them hit the floor.

  My hands shot up almost instinctually wanting to cover myself, but his hand came over my wrist, gently pulling it back and away from my body. “You’re safe,” he said, guiding me to the bed.

  “Steel,” I finally whispered before we went any further. “I want this, want you, but I’m afraid I’ll stop us again.”

  “And if you do, we’ll stop.”

  “I don’t want to disappoint you.”

  “I don’t have any expectations.”

  I nodded, “Okay,” my voice was small.

  Removing his clothing, he left his boxers on, not wanting to overwhelm me with his full nudity yet. His erection was trying to make an escape, but I think he was letting me know we’d move at my pace. I was grateful for his actions.

  I saw him as a firm and direct lover, somebody who knew what they wanted and takes it, but not today, and not with me. I expected he’d be strong, forward, and press to do things his way, but in being willing to bend, that’s where I saw his maturity as a man, wanting to make sure I was okay. He had the confidence to let me lead, something not many men would offer. I could see him being cocky in the future, playfully so, but not today. Today it was about helping me adva
nce – move forward, and allowing me to feel safe. He was an amazing man.

  His mouth caressed my body with kisses, from my neck to my shoulders, and then back to my breasts. His fingers strummed lightly, dancing in a graze, leaving me tingling with desire. His movements were cautious and slow, and he’d stop to make sure I was okay. I’d never had such a generous and patient lover, and hadn’t expected this from someone of his caliber. It was a pleasant surprise.

  It was when his fingers came close to my private bits that I started to stiffen. My muscles tensing, wanting to feel him, enjoy him, but the closer his fingers drew to my opening, the more my breathing became labored.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I want to be,” I whispered, anxiety filling my voice.

  “Do you want me to stop?”

  “No,” I was sure of it.

  He moved slowly, his finger sliding down the length of my lips, not penetrating, just barely touching my skin. My eyes were closed, and my breathing shallow. His touch felt good, but my brain was on fire in a panic. I was fighting with myself, he won’t hurt you, and you want this. It was a mix of confusion, but something came over me, and with his fingertip slipping between my lips, I let go.

  When the small moan escaped, I felt like a hurdle had been climbed. As he pressed inside of me, my body got damp and let him in. With one last exhale, I parted my legs just the slightest bit, letting him know I was okay.

  Making love to Steel that day was unlike anything I could have imagined. He was tender, slow, and oh so patient. How could I not fall in love in that moment? Okay, so maybe not love, but I realized we’d achieved a new level of trust, and I was falling fast. He’d save me from myself. I feared I might retreat at some point, scramble and hide, but I’d stop myself, I had to, Steel was the best thing to happen to me in longer than I can remember.

  Collapsing beside me, I curled into my new lover. “Thank you.”

  “No, thank you,” he said, turning to kiss my forehead.

  In the crook of his arm, I snuggled in.

  The words felt so natural, and the talking came easy in those moments. It was a growing intimacy that drew us closer, bonded us, and as I pressed against his body I told him a story from my childhood, a silly one about skipping and tripping on a curb. I still had a tiny scar over my eyebrow if you looked closely, though the guy who did my stitches was good, because you really had to look for it.

  He spoke of the arrest, and wishing he could control his rage. It’s not like he snapped over tiny things, but when he got to that point, it was hard to shut it down. He said his mother would be upset with him for not acting like a man in those moments. She would have wanted him to walk away, not use violence. Hearing him speak, I saw that while he had this raw power, he wanted more choice on how he used it. It seemed like he had a trigger based on what he was saying, and once it was flipped, there was no going back.

  We moved onto his career, and about meeting the agent. The excitement and shock at hearing the offer, and then his decision to not take it at first. It was his sister, he reminded that convinced him. He seemed close to her, and I was glad that she healed from whatever she’d been through.

  I told him how I wanted to be in the circus when I was small, but then realized that I’d have to move all the time with it, and decided it wasn’t for me. I then wanted to be a veterinarian until I realized I wasn’t good with science. Now I had no idea what I wanted to do, though I was going through the motions of getting my degree. I’d be graduating soon and had zero clues what direction to go in next.

  It was incredible, lying beside him, sharing stories, talking. I could have stayed there all day, but we had things to do. I felt free for the first time in ages. I’d been caged inside of myself, trapped in a mental prison, and I was finally handed the key.

  We showered and redressed and went to collect my things. Steel smoothed things over with the owner of the place, and gave him money to cover my leaving. I’d still be working there, so it’s not like Phil’s was out of my life. Besides, I liked working there. My customers knew me, and nobody wanted to talk all day long. They let me be as long as I kept their drinks coming and the shots refilled.

  Moving into his place felt weird yet incredibly rewarding. I put my few things in a back bedroom that had a bathroom attached to it. The thought of having my own bathroom again excited me as much as anything. It was clean and I could take long, hot showers. I knew I couldn’t stay here forever, but after finally accepting his gracious offer, I felt relief wash through me.

  I’d sleep without fear, not hear people slamming down the hallway, not have to barricade myself in the bathroom, and not have to wash in a nasty, dirty bathroom. I felt like a thrown away teddy-bear that had been picked up and cherished after being found on the side of the road.

  I knew I’d probably sleep in Steel’s bed as often as I slept in my own, but I didn’t want to push things, or even know where this relationship was going. I felt safe calling it a relationship now that we’d consummated it, but it felt odd. I’d been alone for so long.

  The news came while I was at work the following day. He’d been charged with disorderly conduct and while that was handled with a fine, my step-brother was pressing charges. With so many witnesses, my asshole step-monster knew he had a solid case. He was unprovoked; Steel started it by breaking both his nose and shattering part of his cheekbone.

  I didn’t know about it until I walked in and found Steel with his head buried at the table. He’d been drinking, but not his usual choice of brew. “My life is ruined. This is going to hit the news, I’ve been warned, and my contract may be dissolved.”

  I stood looking at him. This man of confidence, strong and powerful was crushed under the blow of the legalities staring him in the face. The Red Hawks didn’t like the bad publicity, and if this went to court and became a spectacle, they’d kick him off the team. He’d lose his lucrative contract.

  “We’ll get through this,” I said, resting my hand on his shoulder.

  “You realize the rape will come out, you have to press charges. I was defending your honor.”

  “I didn’t ask you to attack him,” I said in a moment of panic. “I can’t go back and revisit the past like that.”

  “My team appointed me a lawyer. She’ll want to know all of the details. I’m not going to lie.”

  The color drained from my face. Dropping into one of the kitchen chairs, “I can’t do this.”

  “You have to, Avery. It’s coming out whether you want it to or not.”

  I stared at the big man before me. No, no, no, no, I don’t want this.

  Steel lifted his head and looked at me. “There’s no going back. The allegations are on the table, and what we’ll need from you is your details. They’ll say I was protecting you from your former rapist.”

  “I can’t,” I whispered. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Standing, I paced back and forth, feeling like a trapped rat.

  “You have to.”

  “It will tear the wound open again, and my parents, my asshole step-monster will be in my face.”

  “I’ll be there, I’ll protect you.”

  “How, by jumping on him again?” My anger shot out, unapologetically.

  “I did it for you,” he growled.

  “I didn’t ask you to.”

  “You’re unbelievable, you know that? What do you want from me?”

  “What do you want from me,” I challenged.

  “To have my back, like I had yours.” His glare said it all.

  I dropped my head, the shame of the words kicking me in the gut. Nodding, “Okay,” I sat back down, not having a clue what I was going to do, or how I was going to get through this, but I’d do it to help him – like he was trying to help me. He shouldn’t suffer for my mistakes, my reactions, and my life that I thrust on him. I should have never told him, it’s my fault.

  “My sister’s flying in later this week; she’ll be staying in the other spare room. I called her and she want
s to be here.”

  Great, somebody else who will have an opinion about my life.

  Chapter 12

  When she arrived, she wasn’t what I was expecting. Kira stood all of five foot two inches, but she was a spitfire. I expected her to be frail from how he’d described what she went through being broken, but if anything she was strong, feisty, and independent.

  Her rounded curves filled her jeans with new weight she complained of putting on. Her brother only teased the slightest bit and all in good fun. She adored him, that was obvious, but she didn’t like his ribbing her about that.

  “Kira,” he finally told her, “you’re beautiful. Don’t you get that, whether you weigh one hundred pounds or two hundred pounds, you’re beautiful sis. Don’t let it bother you. Any guy that can’t see how special you are doesn’t deserve you.”

  I watched their dynamic as they reconnected.

  Steel introduced us and then explained the full story. He only told her pieces of it before she declared she’d be on the next plane heading east. She’d be there for him, just like he was there for her.

  “You should stay for good, I’ve got plenty of room,” he offered. “There’s nothing left in Seattle for you anyway.”

  I couldn’t see the three of us living here, and I was pretty sure I’d be pushed out of the picture pretty quickly. She didn’t have a warm spot for me quite as easily. I could feel her sizing me up, questioning my intentions. Her brother was a big time football star, and who was I but somebody that brought trouble into his life already.

  He came to life on seeing her, and I knew immediately where I stood. It’s like I barely existed the moment she stepped in the picture. I might as well pack my things, I’d convinced myself.

  “So this is Avery,” he started.

  “So I’ve heard,” she motioned with her hand, and eyed me up.

  “Be nice, sis, she means a lot to me.”

  “She’s gotten your ass in trouble already.”