Upgrade U

by Ni-Ni Simone

“I know you do,” he said as we started to kiss. “I know you do.”

  “Awwwwl.” Courtney’s admiration created a choir behind us. “All I need now is a candy cigarette and an Al Green CD.”

  8

  Tell me how you do it …?

  First, you need … some cutthroat music …

  —SOULJA SLIM, “U BOOTIN’ UP”

  Bzzzzz …! “Oh, heck to da nawl, bey-be!” Khya said groggily as she sat up in bed with her silk scarf hanging halfway off of her head and loosely covering her left eye like a hood pirate. “Which one of y’all took an early-morning class?” She squinted her free eye and wildly looked around the room, until she spotted me slamming the palm of my hand on top of my buzzing alarm clock.

  “Have you lost your mind, round?” she spat at me. “Oh, this ‘bout to be a situation.”

  “It surely is,” came out of nowhere. “So unless you want to be handled, you better heed to my public service announcement: Don’t nobody say nothin’ to me until after I have had my coffee and turned on my Aretha Franklin CD.”

  What’da … “Coffee?” I frowned. “Aretha Franklin? Shae, are you delusional?” I said as I fell back onto my pillow.

  True story: We’d been able to rise and shine easily al- most every morning with glee last week. And that was because … well … every day felt like we were headed to a party. But today was the first day of classes and it seemed that all of our energy had suddenly fled from our bodies and left us for dead.

  I lay in complete silence for at least ten more minutes. My eyes were heavy and I wanted nothing more than to drift peacefully back to sleep, but I knew I needed to get up early—to put my gear together if for no other reason. After all, this may have been college, but the silent fashion show never ceased. Don’t trip.

  Suddenly a smile loomed on my face and I knew right away what I’d be throwing on today: tight-and-glove-fitted, destroyed-and-distressed-washed jeans with splashes of multicolored paint all over them, a black midriff halter, and four-inch strappy stilettos. For my accessories I would rock hoop earrings and multicolored jelly bracelets.

  Can you say ka’yute?

  I turned my head and looked at the clock: 6 A.M. Maybe I could steal ten more minutes of sleep—

  “Come on, divas, time to get up, wash the night funk from ya butts, wipe the brown crust out ya eyes, get the phlegm out ya throat, and puhlease handle them wedgies, ‘cause you had a big one the other day, Khya—”

  “Shae,” Khya snapped, “I don’t need you calling me out about my wedgie. I told you my thong was twisted.”

  “Ill,” I said as I shook my head. “Just gross.”

  “Hmph,” Khya grunted. “Nothing is worse than that music you’re playing. What happened to your Soulja Slim CD?”

  “Y’all better learn to appreciate Ree-Ree” dropped into the air.

  “Who, Shae?” Khya frowned.

  “Why do y’all keep calling me out of my sleep?” Shae said, sounding as if she’d been in a coma for a million years. She rolled over on her back and placed her pillow over her face. “I need at least five more minutes of sleep before I’m able to move. Now stop calling me.”

  I was completely confused. “Weren’t you just talking about Aretha—”

  “That was me!” A series of pounds beat against the wall with every word, rattling my Trey Songz poster. “Courtney!”

  Instantly I was pissed, especially since I almost fell out the bed from being scared to death. The last thing I expected this morning was a talking wall. I took my fist and beat against it like crazy.

  “Owwwwl!” Courtney screamed, and the sound of a glass falling and rolling across the floor roared from behind the wall. “I’ma pray for you, Seven, because I know that was you. All I’ve been is nice to you and you over here tryna cut me! Banging on the wall and you know I got a glass to it! Keep it up and I’ma—”

  “Courtney—”

  “Wait a minute, Seven, hold that argument, ‘cause I think …” His voice started to fade. “I smell something! Oh … I’m ‘bout to mess … him … up. You better come get your lil cousin, Seven!” And the next thing I heard was Courtney and Lil Bootsy threatening to beat down one another.

  “We need to change rooms,” I said to Shae and Khya.

  “I heard you, Seven.” Courtney pounded on the wall.

  I looked at Khya and Shae and we cracked up laughing—actually we all fell out. This dude was way too much!

  "It’s Z 29.3 Stiles University’s AM station!” Shae’s alarm clock radio screamed suddenly. “It’s ya boy, Big Country, on your dial, ya heardz me? And it’s time to get this party crunked!”

  I said to Shae in disbelief, “Your alarm is set to Big Country’s morning show? There is definitely a problem.”

  Shae couldn’t stop grinning. “Don’t hate, it’s not attractive. Besides, that my baby.” Shae paused and cheesed so hard it’s a wonder she didn’t lose her teeth. “And I think it’s sweet he gets to wake me and the rest of the campus up every morning.”

  “You up, Cornbread?” Big Country asked over the air.

  “I’m up, baby.” Shae stretched and smiled at the radio.

  “Have my buttermilk-jelly biscuits and gravy ready for me about noon.”

  Buttermilk-jelly biscuits … and gravy?

  “He is so fresh.” Shae smiled a little too hard for me to even try and explain how nasty that whole creation sounded.

  “You got me, baby?” Big Country said.

  Shae spoke to the radio, as if she and Big Country were communicating telepathically. “You know I got you, daddy.”

  “That’s what I love about you.” Big Country’s grin was loud and clear across the airwaves. Music started to play as he continued, “Now that my Cornbread is up, we gon’ start this day off right. So, Stiles U, rise up out the bed, and as Sissy Nobby says, put an arch in yo back! Ya smell me!”

  For some reason I think I did smell him.

  Before I could tease Shae about Big Country being soooo country, my cell phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and all I could do was smile. It was my baby, Josiah.

  “Hey, boo,” I said, not caring about how loud and excited I was.

  "Wassup, ma?” Josiah said as his voice melted like candy in my ears. “You up? You got a big day today.”

  “I know. I’m about to get up now. I need to get by the bookstore, I have about three more books to pick up.” I was smiling so hard it’s a wonder my dimples didn’t meet inside my cheeks. “We were just listening to your boy, Big Country.” I chuckled. “He’s a mess.”

  Josiah laughed. “And you haven’t heard nothing yet—wait until Wednesday when he has his morning bounce competition. People be lined up at the station like crazy. It’s off the meter.”

  “I can imagine, and why are you so amped about it?” I teased my baby. “You’re not planning on bouncing are you?”

  “Funny, Seven. I got your bounce all right. I’ma bounce right on this court and kill this game.”

  “You gon’ kill ‘em, baby!” I said, a little too excited.

  “I’ma knock ‘em out.”

  “And I’ma be your cheerleader!”

  “So you just stabbing me all in the back, huh, Seven?” Courtney spat as he beat against the wall.

  Know what? I’ma ignore him.

  “That’s wassup,” Josiah said. “But listen, baby, I have morning practice and then I have to get to class. I just called to tell you I love you and that I woke up thinking about you.”

  I swear my heart had melted from my chest into the phone. “I love you too,” I whined.

  “A’ight, then, give it to me.”

  I blushed, as I gave my baby a kiss through the phone.

  “Gagging,” Courtney said.

  I slammed my fist into the wall, and while Courtney screamed I kissed my man through the phone again.

  "I’ll catch up with you later, ma,” Josiah said as he hung up.

  “Later.” I held the phone to my chest and day
dreamed about us one day being married.

  “Awwl,” Khya said, snapping me out of my trance. She flopped on the edge of my bed and laid back. “Love is such a beautiful thing.”

  “Yeah, it is.” I smiled.

  “Jamil used to call me on the phone, tell me he loved me and couldn’t live without me.”

  “Really?” Shae said, walking over and lying beside Khya.

  “Umm hmm,” Khya said, sounding sad. “He used to do that all the time.”

  “So what happened?” I asked.

  “Shaka-Locka came along and I had to bust out!” Khya said, extremely hyped as she sat up. “Dah’lin, did I tell y’all—”

  “She looked like Precious,” I said.

  “Okay, well, did I tell y’all she had—”

  “Four kids,” Shae volunteered.

  “They have heard it all, Khya. You tell them er’day. Not every day, but er’day.” Courtney pounded against the wall. “And I don’t want to hear it anymore. Okay? I’ve had enough, try sleeping with your broken heart and living with it. Just join the club with the rest of us and live with it ….”

  Khya hopped off the bed and picked up her nunchucks from her nightstand. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Hurry up, Percy,” Courtney said. “Lock the door, this heifer is crazy.”

  “I didn’t think you wanted none of this,” Khya snarled.

  “But I do!” Percy’s nasty mouth screamed. “You don’t even have to travel far; just meet me in the hallway. Matter of fact why don’t we put on some cutthroat music and get married, just to say we did it?” He started to rap, “ ‘Cause your accent turns me on and your pants are mighty fitted.”

  “Oh my …” Courtney said and I could swear I heard him slapping his hand over his mouth in shock. “I see right now I’ma need to call your mama and see if you’ve been prescribed medication.”

  “I’ma pimp,” Lil Bootsy said as if he was beating his chest.

  “What kind of pimp?” Courtney snapped. “Pimp of the fairies? Pimp of the short and won’t grow-no-more-crew? I bet’not catch you on the playgrounds, trying to turn out the day care. You have one time for me to find out that that heifer you snuck in here the other night was really in kindergarten.”

  “I’m getting real sick of you …” Lil Bootsy carried on as he and Courtney continued with their morning ritual: an argument.

  “You better go save your kin, Seven.” Khya laughed, as she put her weapons down, and the three of us started to prepare for our day.

  “Didn’t I tell you he really wasn’t related to me?” I said as I headed to the shower. “I could’ve sworn I made that perfectly clear.”

  9

  I see you flirting

  But his head you won’t be turning …

  —JORDIN PRUITT, “BOYFRIEND”

  Seriously, I didn’t know what was worse: standing in line for an hour while holding three heavy textbooks; or Courtney standing behind me and confessing his life story. Filling me in on how he was best friends with my cousin Zsa-Zsa—but had more credits than her and was able to finish high school a year early. How he really hated drama, but couldn’t seem to shake it. How his thuggism was steadily tested and he wondered if it had anything to do with his rainbow assortment of boas, and how if I was a little more voluptuous—about a size eighteen–twenty—and didn’t talk so much, he would think about making an honest woman out of me.

  Can you say: throw up all up in my mouth?

  I couldn’t wait to break free of this place. The bookstore was ridiculously packed and the crowd seemed more like one at a half-priced shoe sale instead of buying over-priced textbooks.

  “I sure hope I don’t sweat my finger waves out.” Courtney faintly wiped his brow and tossed his boa from one side of his neck to the other. “ ‘Cause a line this long don’t make no sense!”

  “Would you calm down?” I turned around to face him. “Actually, if you want me to pay for your book, I will.” I looked at the seven-dollar paperback of Milton’s Paradise Lost he held in his hand. “You don’t even have to worry about paying me back. Just leave. Just go, please.”

  “Are you trying to get rid of me, Seven?”

  I paused. “No, Courtney, what makes you think that?”

  “I was just checking.” He smirked. “Now, we need to be on a mission and find a hot hair salon in the neighborhood. I know you can’t tell because I stay hooked up, but my roots are hit. They’re so thick that when I run a comb through my hair I swear I can hear crickets.”

  T … M … I … can somebody smack me, please? I just wanna wake up somewhere else….

  “Now, Seven, I want you to brace yourself,” Courtney said somberly. “Because there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. Now, it’s going to catch you off guard and surprise you.”

  “Surprise me? Really? What is it?” I did my best not to get excited, but God only knew what Courtney had to say. I just hoped it had nothing to do with my boyfriend.

  “And I hate to tell you this, but people can be so cruel. So, I figured it was better coming from me than someone else.”

  I took a deep breath. “What is it? Just tell me.”

  “Okay.” He popped his lips and patted me on the back. “Well, I just want you to know this: there’s a terrible rumor going on about me.”

  “What?” I said, clearly not expecting him to say that. “Rumor? About you?”

  "Yeah, and like most rumors—except the ones I spread—it’s not true.”

  “Okay.”

  “It’s just people hating on me.”

  “Would you get to the point?”

  “It’s ugly,” Courtney said, pouring on his usual theatrics, “and I’m really hurt that people would spread this about me.”

  “Would you just tell me what it is?” I said, losing patience.

  “Okay, okay, brace yourself.”

  “I’m braced.”

  “The rumor is that I … that I … that I’ma talk-too-much drama king. With nothing else to do but mind other people’s business.”

  I was stunned….id he actually think that was a rumor? Judging by the glimmer of tears in his eyes, he did. This was crazy. “Wow, Courtney … I don’t, umm, even know what to say.”

  “Horrible, I know. And Seven, you know me better than that.”

  No, I don’t. Nosy and in everybody’s B.I. is exactly who I know you to be.

  “And your room is next door to mine.”

  And I wish like heck that it wasn’t.

  “And you know I mind my business,” he carried on.

  And you mind my business … and Khya’s …and Shae’s … Percy’s … the girl down the hall’s … the RA’s … and when it comes to stalking folks online you have Khya beat….

  “Why do you think people would say that about you, Courtney?” I asked.

  " ‘Cause people love to spread hate. Well, I’m all about love.”

  “I know, Courtney, I know.” I know that you love to be all up in somebody else’s Kool-Aid.

  “I feel like Michael Jackson,” Courtney said, as I finally moved to the front of the line.

  “Michael Jackson?” I placed my books on the counter.

  “Yeah, all I want is to make the world a better place.”

  I turned my head from one side of the room to the next. Was somebody playing a joke on me? Really, was I on Hell Date and nobody told me? “Courtney, let’s just, ummm, pay for our books so we can part ways.”

  I looked up at the cashier and my friendly smile quickly faded. I couldn’t believe this. I blinked my eyes repeatedly, yet the vision didn’t change. The cashier was the same chick who I’d seen in Josiah’s face, one too many times.

  This was the closest I’d been to her since Big Country’s party. The chick was cute—I hated to admit it. But my mind wouldn’t deny it, even though it was something that my mouth would never spit. She was about five seven, with caramel-colored skin, and her lips were twisted to the side as she rang up my books one by one. My
eyes scanned her name tag: TORI. Don’t ask me why, but suddenly I hated that name.

  I looked back into her face and wondered if Josiah had ever looked at her and thought she was pretty. A moment after that thought invaded my mind I quickly snapped out of it and popped back into reality: I was wifey and she was simply some random broad who went to school here and worked in the bookstore. So whatever. I cocked my neck to the side and softly rolled my eyes.

  “Your total is three hundred dollars and seventy-four cents.” She sucked her teeth. “Cash or credit?”

  "Oh no, she didn’t!” Courtney said in complete shock. “Got manners anyone?” he spat. “ ‘Mickey D’s drive thru is the only one hiring with that attitude. But umm, you can take it down over here.”

  I handed her my debit card and said, “Courtney, we have class in a little while, so we’re not even going to waste our time over here.”

  “Whatever,” she said dismissively, and a few minutes later she said, “Well, you need to take some time and go to the bank, ‘cause your card has been denied.” She said it a little louder than she needed to. “Now, unless you have another form of payment you need to step to the side.”

  “What?” I said, completely surprised. “My card was what? Are you trying to be funny?”

  “You see this line,” she said dryly. “I don’t have time to crack jokes with you. Now your card is denied!” she practically shouted.

  I couldn’t believe this. There were a million huffs, puffs, and sighs about how I needed to hurry up; and the longer I stood here the more aggressive the people behind me became.

  “Oh hold up,” Courtney turned to the girl complaining behind him. “You can calm your behind right on down, ‘cause special-ed classes don’t start until next week anyway!”

  “Seven,” he said, tight-lipped, “what’s the deal? Now, I can only hold this mob off but for so long before we gon’ have to jump Barney.” He pointed to the girl standing behind him. “Now, wassup?”

  I looked at Tori. “Can you just try my card one more time?”

  She swiped my card and after a few seconds she said, “Still denied.”

  “It’s cool,” I said, trying to play off my embarrassment, but feeling as if I needed to find a sand pit to bury myself in. I tried not to turn around and look at the agitated line behind me, but I couldn’t help it. There were a few understanding and compassionate eyes, but not enough for me to have her try my card for a third time. “I’ll be back,” I said and turned to Courtney. “Pay for your book and I’ll catch up with you in a few.”