by T Gray
However, despite the wonderful conversation and the gold mine I found at the mall, my stomach knotted tighter and tighter as I got closer to my hometown.
I pulled into my driveway, feeling a sense of dread as I looked up at my childhood home. Everything about it screamed middle class, from the one story brick façade that matched every other house on the block, to the SUV parked in the driveway. I never minded that our family was average in every sense of the word, but I knew it always bothered my mom, and she had spent years and years trying to “keep up with the Jones.”
I took a deep breath before getting out of the car. The moment I hated most was about to come. My mom would give me a big hug, look me up and down and would do one of two things. She would either comment that I had lost weight or would not say anything at all and give me a sad look. It was like she had a weight radar. If she thought I had gained weight, she would quickly mention how she and my sister were exercising in the morning and that I should go with them.
I weighed this morning, just to prepare myself for what was coming. I was three pounds heavier than the last time I was at my parents’ house, which normally would have put me in a shame spiral right to the kitchen, but to my good fortune, Issy was still home, and I had managed to get out of the apartment without an episode.
I grabbed my suitcase and walked in the front door with a smile plastered on my face. “Happy” was really the only emotion allowed in this place.
My small cocker spaniel was the first to greet me at the door. She wagged her tail and waited for me to give her all the attention she was craving. My mom was next. She came in for a big hug and then held me back so she could check me out. I cringed as she stepped back making room for my dad, not saying a word.
My dad gave me his usual stiff hug and patted me on the back. He was relatively uncomfortable with affection and that was really all he could manage. It was no question whom I favored. I not only looked like my dad, but had so many of his personality traits that my mom would often joke that she was simply a vessel.
My dad took my bag and put it in my room. It still looked the same as it did in high school—cream-colored walls with purple curtains. My double bed had a purple comforter with soft cream flowers on it, and while it felt familiar, it struck me how much my taste had changed in such a short period of time. I also couldn’t help but think of Issy’s reaction if she saw my room. The teasing would never cease!
I joined my parents in the kitchen and went to the refrigerator to get a drink. I opted for a coke over the bottled water and immediately noticed my mother’s disapproving stare as I drank it. I hated it when she monitored what I ate and drank. It was like she scrutinized every piece of food that went in my mouth. I could feel the anxiety start to hit my stomach, and I silently did breathing exercises to get it under control.
“Melissa and I are going to do a Zumba class in the morning tomorrow. You should come with us. She’s been so excited to see you,” my mom said as pleasantly as she could, trying to hide the deeper meaning in her words. It reminded me of junior high when she would force me to run with her every morning, promising it would help get the weight off. My being overweight bothered her much more than it ever bothered me at that point, but I went anyway, wanting nothing more than to please my mother.
“Sure,” I answered nonchalantly. “Sounds fun.”
“Melissa is really doing well at her new job. She just got promoted to office manager, and her boss never misses the opportunity to rave about how well she is doing.”
In my head I screamed, Neither do you, but instead, I just smiled and managed, “That’s wonderful.” My sister had gone to a local community college after school and got an associates in business. She’d been working for a small sports retailer in our town, and I guess had been doing a lot to improve their sales. We had never really been close. My parents had fostered a spirit of competition between us that ruined any chance of a real relationship.
“So how is school going?” she continued while cleaning the already perfect kitchen.
I wrinkled my nose, not wanting to answer, but figured I should go ahead and get it over with now since I was going to have to ask them for money anyway.
“Well mom, it was kind of a rough semester. I’m going to have to retake a class.”
My dad suddenly became a part of the conversation and put down the paper he had been reading. “Does it affect your scholarship?”
Leave it to my dad to get right to the point. “No, I’ll still be on scholarship next semester, but I will have to pay for this class. It’s not a big deal. I’ve got money saved from this summer, and I’m going to see if I can pick up some shifts over Christmas. I may need to borrow $500 or less, but I will pay you back, I promise.” As soon as the words were finished, I was relieved to have them out of me. I knew I disappointed them, but at least I could deal with it all now and be done with it.
My mom immediately looked stressed and excused herself saying my father would take care of all of that. I watched her leave wondering why she even asked when she so obviously only wanted one answer.
My father gave a long sigh and said, “Avery that money was for your living expenses. How are you planning to eat next year without any spending money?”
“I’ll be fine, Dad. It doesn’t take much for me to live on. I’ve really worked it all out, I promise.” I tried to sound reassuring, not wanting to cause any more stress than I already had.
“Well, just let me know what you are short. We’ll take care of it.”
“Thanks dad. I’m really sorry.” Regret was more than apparent in my voice.
“Me too. I expected more from you than this, Avery. You’re supposed to be my smart one.” He went back to the paper signifying the end of our conversation. I felt about two inches high. My parents had always put me and my sister into two categories, the smart one and the pretty one. I guess I wasn’t holding up my end. I held in the tears until I got to my room and then laid on my bed, letting them flow freely. I hated being a failure…hated disappointing everyone.
I started to feel trapped in the room that I had called home for eighteen years and decided to go visit Cara. We hadn’t spoken in months, and I was dying to see her. I walked down the street to her mom’s house. Her parents’ had divorced when we were in the fifth grade, but her mom never remarried.
I knocked on the door, nervous and excited at the same time to reconnect with her and was joyfully greeted by her mom, who welcomed me in. “Avery, its so good to see you, dear! It’s been way too long,”
“Hi Ms. Andrews. It’s good to see you, too. Is Cara back yet?” I asked looking around.
“Oh no, dear. Cara isn’t coming home this year. She and her fiancé are going to his parents’ house for the holiday.”
I stood in stunned silence. Cara was engaged? She never even told me she was dating anyone. “Wow, I didn’t realize she was engaged. Did it happen recently?” I asked trying not to sound as out of the loop as I was.
“He did it at Thanksgiving. They came here to spend it with me, and he asked her in front of all of us. It was the sweetest thing I’d ever seen.”
I couldn’t believe it. Had we really grown that far apart? I said my goodbyes to Cara’s mom, and slowly walked home. Telling her my secret had changed everything. She tried to be there for me, and I obviously couldn’t handle her knowing. I had succeeded in pushing her away, the one person who ever held me accountable for my actions. I felt the weight of the loss on my shoulders—knowing deep down it was all my fault.
I got back to my house, and it was as if the school conversation had never even come up. My mom was back to being pleasant, and my dad was fully engaged in his paper. I put a smile on my face to match and pretended right alongside them for the rest of the week.
“Lord, your Word holds truth as does your promise to always be near us and guide us, even when we aren’t able to see the light in front of us...”
16. JUST ONE NIGHT
I saw the sign to Winsor
and could almost feel the tension start to ease in my body. I had never been so happy to be back. Six days at my parents’ house was about five days too long, I decided, even though I spent most of that time working at the diner or exercising with my mom. I wanted to just get somewhere where I could let my defenses down for one minute and relax.
The sun was setting, and my eyes were starting to feel the effects of the exhausting drive. The only positive of it all was that I could crawl into bed, go to sleep, and Parker would be back in the morning. I smiled as I thought of him; he was the only thing about my week that was good. He called every night and we talked for hours before drifting off to sleep. In fact, I had managed to survive my parent’s house all week without an episode, and I knew he was the reason. My stomach fluttered as I thought of seeing him in less than twenty-four hours.
I lugged my suitcase up the stairs and then ran back down to the car to get my new dress. I felt the silky fabric under my fingers and smiled. Carefully putting it back under the protective cover, I headed back up the stairs. When I got there, I noticed my suitcase was gone and the door to my apartment was open. I peeked in and saw Issy and Jake dressed and ready for a night out.
They had put my suitcase in my room and Issy practically tackled me when I got in the door. I pushed her aside, trying to protect my dress and put it carefully in my closet. I didn’t make eye contact with Jake and basically sidestepped him when he came in for a hug. It just seemed ridiculous that after all this time he could still make me swoon with just one smile, and I was just too physically and mentally tired from being with my parents all week to deal with him. I took a stabilizing breath and returned to the living room, convincing myself that I only had to pretend for one more hour, and they would be gone.
I found a spot on the lip loveseat, the furthest point from where Jake was seated and asked how their Christmas was.
“Fabulous!” Issy beamed. “I got everything on my list, including a new BMW from my dad.” Jake rolled his eyes and I tried to keep my jaw from dropping.
“That’s great,” I said, trying my best to sound as excited as she was.
“We’re going out tonight to celebrate, and I will not take no for an answer,” Issy stated, her eyes daring me to argue.
“Issy, I’m exhausted. I just drove nine hours and all I want is a shower and my bed,” I insisted, determined not to give in no matter how much she begged.
Jake didn’t say a word, just sat there overtly staring at me. It was getting harder and harder to avoid his eyes and I shifted uncomfortably. Issy dropped on the sofa and folded her arms pouting.
“I haven’t seen you in a week, and you’re telling me you can’t take two hours to come to a party with me. I’m hurt,” Issy whined, knowing guilt was always my Achilles heel.
“But that’s just it, Issy, it’s never two hours with you. It’s more like five or six and I know I can’t make it that long tonight,” I explained, trying to get her to see reason.
Jake finally said something, but of course it wasn’t in my favor. “I’ll bring you home in two hours, even if I have to go back to get her, I promise.” He was still staring at me, and I was forced to look at him to answer. His eyes were mesmerizing just like I remembered, so perfectly green that it appeared unnatural. He was more relaxed tonight than I had seen him in a while, wearing jeans and a tight fitting t-shirt. He looked calm and confident, and worse…believable.
“It’s settled then. Avery, go get dressed. We’re leaving in an hour,” Issy directed as she bounced off to her room.
I ran my fingers through my hair, feeling trapped and exasperated, and got up to go to my room. Standing in the path of my door was Jake, and I stopped to stare at him for a second as if to say, Excuse me.
Instead of moving, he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me toward him so that my torso was touching his belt buckle. I could feel his breath on my hair and tried to stop the trembles I felt coming on.
“You can’t avoid me forever,” he whispered in my ear as I struggled to get out of his hold. Jake had called and texted several times over the break, but I had ignored all of them. I wanted to be over him, to let him go once and for all.
“Jake, please,” I begged when I realized his grip was impenetrable.
“I know you still feel it,” he continued as he moved his hand to my wrist, checking my pulse in the process. “Why do you fight it?” His words were soft and soothing as he released the full measure of his charm on me. I closed my eyes. His scent was starting to get to me, as were his words that I knew were true, despite how hard I wanted to believe they weren’t.
“Give me one night. That’s all I’m asking,” he pressed, moving his hand to stroke my face. “If it’s not there, I’ll leave you alone. I know I screwed up, Avery, and you have no idea how badly I wish I could take it back.”
I felt too tired to fight him. He was starting to break me down—to get behind the wall I had put up just to protect myself from him.
“Jake, I’m with someone else now, and I care about him,” I pleaded, hoping my honesty would make him leave and allow me to breathe once again.
“I know that, and I’ll totally respect it. No inappropriate touching whatsoever. I promise.” He was grinning mischievously now and I raised my eyebrows at him and then looked down at his arm that still encircled my waist. He quickly let go as to validate his words and I couldn’t help the smile that appeared even as I scurried past him.
“Ok, I’ll go,” I resigned. I turned to look as I shut my door. His eyes had the sparkle I hadn’t see in weeks and his smile melted the last of my defenses. I pushed down the guilt that started to rise up in my chest. It was just one night…how bad could it be?
The party Issy brought us to was much more than just your average college get together. It was at one of the houses around the campus lake, which easily could have fit in her dad’s neighborhood. I had run by it a million times, but never realized how beautiful it was until we pulled in the drive. Issy’s new BMW fit right in with the others in the driveway and I mentally prepared myself for the nightmare that I was about to embark on. If this party was anything like Ben’s, it would be a very long two hours.
The house was beautifully decorated with white lights following every turn on the roof and stairs, as well as covering at least five trees in the yard.
Jake wrapped his arm around me as we got out of the car, looking as awed as I was. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
I looked up at him, examining his face in the soft glow of the light. He was a different person tonight and I didn’t quite know how to process it. He was waiting for a response, so I finally answered, “It really is. Who lives here?”
Issy piped in before Jake could respond. “My dad has a business partner whose son goes to Winsor, too. They bought this house so they could come and visit him whenever they wanted. Luckily, they are happily at home and Branson has the whole place to himself. He’s got a little crush.” I had no doubt it was true…most men got crushes on Issy.
“Who else is coming?” I asked as there were only five cars in the driveway.
“It’s invite only, so probably no one we know all that well. Its free liquor, though, and Caesar’s will be dead until school starts up, so you take what you can get!” She spun around and bounced up the stairs. She looked especially pretty tonight. She had kept the coloring to only a small blond streak by her face and was wearing tight black leggings with knee length boots and a flowing cashmere sweater. Her only punk item was the multicolored rhinestone belt around her waist, and honestly, it made the outfit.
Jake still had his arm around me as we walked towards the door. My conscious told me to move away from him, but I pushed it aside. Branson was there waiting and politely invited us in. You could tell he definitely wasn’t someone in Issy’s normal circle. He seemed nervous and awkward. In fact, he reminded me a lot of the guys in my study group. He had on khakis and a nice sweater, but wore pretty old fashioned glasses and his hair looked as if his mother
had parted it before we got there.
“There’s drinks in the kitchen and we have music going out back,” he explained shyly, barely making eye contact with Issy.
“Wonderful!” Issy said, planting a kiss on his cheek before she headed that direction. I had to hold in my laughter as I watched him stare after her in awe.
We followed her to the kitchen and got ourselves drinks. Jake offered me a glass of wine, but I declined. No need to cloud my judgment any more than it already was.
The back of the house was even more beautiful than the front. There was a long porch with large hanging lanterns around it. The stairs led down to a walkway that ended in a covered pier overlooking the lake. The pier was lit with white Christmas lights, as well, and had two beautiful wood rocking chairs that I imagined made for breathtaking sunrises. I was naturally drawn to it and started heading that way.
I leaned on the rail, just watching the black water beneath me. It seemed to captivate me as I stared at it. I started to wonder what I was doing here, and why I always seem to allow myself to be put in situations I didn’t want to be in. Why couldn’t I just say no? Jake’s arms were suddenly wrapped around me, and I immediately felt my heart start to race. It felt too familiar. He didn’t say a word, just held me tightly as we watched the water. I thought of Parker and how unfair this was to him. I needed to end this thing with Jake once and for all; I knew I did.
“I want to know why,” I said softly. He didn’t say anything, just sighed.
I moved his arms from around me and turned to look at him. “I want to know why now, and how you went from being a guy who wanted to just have fun to being this guy. What was the turning point for you, Jake, because it seems you only want me until you have me.” My hands were shaking as I spoke. I had never once confronted Jake on any of his actions and wasn’t sure how I had the confidence to do it now.
Jake sat down on one of the rocking chairs and I followed suit. “The answer is so cliché, I almost hate to say it,” he started. “When I first saw you, I was immediately attracted to you. You were bouncing around in your pajamas, without a care in the world. I wish I could say it was more, but honestly you were just another cute girl who had piqued my interest. But something happened as I got to know you. You did everything different than any girl I had been with. It wasn’t just different, but it was right, like you knew exactly what I needed to make my world stop spinning. It would amaze me. I would put you in situations and you come through them beautifully, with such grace and strength that I couldn’t get you out of my mind.”