Shattered Rose (Winsor Series)

by T Gray

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, hoping that somehow she could hear me.

  I heard a rustling noise behind me and turned to see that Jake had woken back up and was sitting up with his head in his hands. He looked wrecked and completely exhausted. I walked over to him gingerly and sat on the ottoman in front of him. I put my hands on his wrist and kissed the top of his head, trying to bring any comfort I could. He looked up at me, his eyes no longer vacant, but full of all the pain and fear I knew he was facing.

  “She’s going to be ok,” I assured him softly. “There’s no way Issy’s going out like this. She’s way too bullheaded.” I tried to flash him a smile and offer up strength that neither one of us had.

  Jake slowly shook his head and whispered, “I’m not so sure.”

  I let go of his wrist and put my hands in my lap. Jake quickly grabbed them back and stared at me.

  “Jake, what happened?” I asked, wanting so badly to hear it wasn’t my fault.

  He stayed deafly quiet and then reached up to caress my face. “You have this look you get. Did you know that?”

  I was taken aback by his switch of topic. “What do you mean?”

  “There’s a look you have, that betrays everything you are feeling. It’s a mix of adoration, respect and love, all rolled into one.” He was speaking softly and there was a slight rasp in his voice. My stomach knotted a little, not knowing where he was going with the conversation, but I didn’t say a word, just let him go on.

  “I was actually surprised at how quickly I earned that look from you, and it kind of freaked me out at first. No one had ever looked at me like that, and I felt this expectation to be great, to be better than I knew I was. My mom would give me a similar feeling. Towards the end, she couldn’t do much more than hold my hand, but her message was still loud and clear. She believed in me.”

  He stopped for a moment and ran his fingers through his hair before he looked at me and continued, “After she died, it all went away, and I just slowly disappeared. Then there you were, looking at me like that, seeing only the best in me, and it made me mad. Made me feel all this grief all over again. So I’d do something horrible to push you away, to get rid of that look when you saw me…but then I’d miss it. Sometimes it would take me a while, but I would always get it back, reassuring me that I hadn’t lost you. At Christmas, I knew I wanted you back, and that I was finally ready for you. I knew about your guy, believe me, Issy made sure of it. But I wasn’t worried about him, because I saw how you always responded to me, even if you had just been with him. I just had to convince you to trust me again.”

  He stopped talking and let me take a moment to hear all he had told me. Everything seemed to make more sense, as if seeing things from his perspective changed the reality in my head. I was just about to say something when I heard him start back up again.

  “Last night, I was so irritated you weren’t staying with us. Irritated that you were still with that joker when I knew we were meant to be together. Then you walked out of your room, looking like an angel, and I knew I wasn’t going to let you walk out of there with him. I was ready to grab you and pull you away, sure I could take him out with one good punch. But then I saw it, that look, full of love, admiration and esteem, everything I had longed to see…everything I needed to see. Only…it wasn’t for me…it was for him…and everything just went black,” he finally said, his eyes glossy as he rubbed his right knuckle.

  It was the first time I noticed how bruised and cut up it was, and I immediately remembered the hole in the wall outside of Issy’s room. It was right where he had been standing when we left for the ball. I felt my breath catch as I put my hand over my mouth. “Jake…” I didn’t know what to say, just felt helpless siting there.

  “I was mad at her,” he explained, the tears spilling over now. “Mad at her for rubbing it in my face when you left. Mad at her for saying everything that I knew was true. I didn’t check on her all night…” He couldn’t continue and I just held on to him and let him cry it out, running my fingers through his hair as I had so many times before.

  A knock on the door startled us, and I stood up abruptly as a nurse came in to check Issy’s vital signs. Jake had pulled himself together and was immediately in caretaker mode, asking a series of questions about things I had no background on. The nurse finished her chart and then left the room as quickly as she had entered it.

  “What does all of that mean?” I asked walking to the other side of her bed.

  “It means nothing’s changed. It also means I’m going to have to make a very difficult phone call to her mom this morning.” He fell back down in the recliner taking the same seated position he had been in all morning. “Avery, I know I was a jerk and I deserved to lose you. But I don’t think I could get through this if you weren’t here with me…even if it is just as friends.”

  I walked back up to him, taking his hand in mine. “Of course. I’ll always be here for you. You know that.”

  He flashed me an appreciative smile and squeezed me hand. I closed my eyes for just a second…the butterflies were back.

  “Lord, I pray that she will always know that your power is made perfect in her weakness. I pray that she knows you will not only share in her suffering, but also in her comfort…”

  19. THE AFTERMATH

  I spent three more hours with Issy and Jake in her hospital room until exhaustion finally took over. I must have fallen asleep while talking to her, because next thing I knew, Jake was rubbing my back to wake me up.

  “Why don’t you go home and get some rest. I’ll call you if there’s any change.”

  I nodded ok, and grabbed my things. On my way out, I held Issy’s hand one more time and scolded her, “Now, if you don’t wake up before I get back, I’m not doing anymore more late night movie nights. You hear me?” Her response was a steady beep from the heart monitor and I turned away sadly. Jake caught me before I got to the door and pulled me to him. We held on to each other as if our sanity depended on it, each using the other to give us strength. I pulled away and left the room quickly before I had a meltdown.

  I was halfway through the parking lot when I heard my phone start buzzing from my purse as a flood of messages finally downloaded to the phone. There were three missed calls from Parker this morning and a text asking me if I was ok. I knew I should have felt grateful, but I only felt irritated by them. I called him back anyway, and he immediately picked up.

  “Hey, are you ok?” he asked, his voice full of concern.

  “Yes, I’m fine. I’ve just been with Issy this morning, and I guess my phone doesn’t have any service in there. I’m just about to go home now and get some sleep.”

  “Are you at the hospital now?” he asked still not convinced everything was ok.

  “Well, if you count the parking lot, I am.” I teased trying to get him to stop worrying.

  “Avery, why don’t you just come to my place? You can rest here and then head back to see her after you’ve had some sleep,” he offered.

  “Doesn’t that break one of your rules?” I asked jokingly as I got in the driver seat of my car. Parker had set his place as off limits, too, after things got too heated on his couch one night.

  “These are extenuating circumstances. I think we can control ourselves.” I could hear him starting to relax, and I had to admit the idea of only driving five minutes versus thirty was appealing.

  “Ok, I’m heading your way now.”

  Parker was waiting outside his door when I pulled in the parking lot. He was in sweats and a t-shirt and I could tell he hadn’t shaved yet this morning. He took my bag out of my hands when I walked up and pulled me in for a hug. I hugged him back, but he still seemed disappointed.

  “Is Randy here?” I asked when I realized his apartment was empty.

  “No, he’s gone until Sunday. He didn’t want to come back until right before classes started again.” I looked up at him, remembering that class started in only a couple of days. That meant the syllabi were a
lready posted and I was probably already getting behind again.

  “Don’t look so panicked. We’ll pull up your classes tonight and make sure you’re on track.”

  He was always taking care of me and I felt my heart warm to him again. “You’re too good to me,” I stated, knowing more than he did how true those words were.

  He responded with a satisfied smile and led me back to his room. I had never been in there before, but wasn’t surprised when I walked in. It reminded me of his parent’s house, with rich browns and creams, and I could feel him all around me as his scent tickled my nose. His bed was made neatly and his desk was covered in papers and books as if he had been studying all morning.

  “Still working your system?” I asked playfully, nodding towards his messy desk before I leaned down to take off my tennis shoes.

  “Still a hater, I see,” he bantered back, pulling back the covers for me so I could get in his bed. While our conversation was light, I knew something was off. The natural comfort that we always had was missing and everything this morning felt forced. I pushed the thought out of my head, chalking it up to fatigue and stress, and laid my head on his soft pillow.

  He started to leave, but I looked up at him and asked if he would lay with me for just a little while. He sat on the bed, staying above the covers and ran his fingers through my hair as I closed my eyes.

  “I noticed you weren’t wearing your necklace,” he said softly after we sat a moment in silence.

  “Oh, yeah, I took it off to shower, and was in such a rush I just forgot to put it back on.” It was a bold faced lie, the first I had ever told him, and while he seemed to believe me, I knew something was changing. I was doing it again, pushing away the one person who knew my secret.

  He continued to rub my head, making me relax as I felt my eyes start to get heavy. Parker telling me I wasn’t alone and that he was here for me were the last words I heard before I let sleep fully encompass me.

  A buzz from my phone woke me out of my slumber and I answered it groggily as I tried to get my eyes to focus. “Hello?”

  “Hey babe, it’s Jake. I just wanted to give you an update on Issy.” His voice was soft, but he sounded a little excited, which immediately got me to focus.

  “Did she wake up?” I asked sitting upright in bed.

  “No, not yet, but the doctor thinks she will soon. They were able to take her off the respirator and she even moved her fingers a little.”

  “Oh Jake, that’s wonderful! I’m going to head back there now.”

  “Great. I’ll see you when you get here.”

  I hung up the phone and felt my heart skip a beat. Issy might be ok. My body immediately relaxed, as I felt the best I had since we’d found her. It was two in the afternoon, and I had slept for four hours, further adding to my renewed vigor. I made Parker’s bed and grabbed my bag. I didn’t see him when I walked out of the room, but then noticed his feet on the edge of the couch.

  He was lying on his back with a book on his chest, indicating he fell asleep while reading. I walked up to him and knelt down, watching him as he slept. He looked so strong and handsome, and he exhibited a peace I’m sure I’ve never experienced. Feeling more drawn to him than I had since the ball, I leaned up and kissed him lightly on the lips. His eyes fluttered awake and he shot me his smile that once again made everything seem possible. Touching my face, he pulled me in for a much deeper kiss and this time I was able to give him back all he was giving to me. The more I responded, the tighter he held me and more fiercely he continued to kiss me. Desire started to turn in my stomach and I pulled back, knowing that he would any minute if I didn’t.

  He looked at me lovingly and said, “I could definitely get used to being woken up like that.”

  I smiled and then looked down at my fidgeting hands, feeling a little embarrassed. “I wanted to tell you goodbye before I headed back. Issy’s made some progress, so I wanted to go see her.”

  “Just give me ten minutes, and I’ll go with you,” he offered sitting up and stretching.

  “Oh, you don’t have to. It’s really ok,” I stammered, not sure why I didn’t want him there.

  “Avery, I want to go,” he assured me, stroking my cheek before he stood up. “Ten minutes, I promise. Hey, you can print out your syllabus while you wait.”

  He headed off to the bathroom and I didn’t argue, knowing I really didn’t have a good reason for not wanting him to go anyway.

  I looked at his computer and scowled. I didn’t want to think about school. I just wanted everything to be back to how it was on Christmas break. I looked up my classes anyway and was pleased to see Thermo was the only one that posted anything yet. I had a different professor this semester and I could already tell the class load would be lighter. Relief flooded me as I noted that I was still well ahead of the class. I had already done the reading assignment and problem set due the first week and felt pretty comfortable with the material. My “back to the basics” strategy from last semester was definitely going to pay off. Work-study started up again next week as well, and Dr. Davis’ grad student had actually requested me by name to work the final phase of his thesis. I should have been glad, but the idea of another hundred and fifty hours in the lab made me kind of want to scream. Oh well, it was better than being known as the class flake.

  I heard Parker’s door shut and looked up to see him walking my way. He looked more like himself, clean shaven with jeans and a black t-shirt.

  He noticed me at the computer and raised his eyebrows. “Everything ok?”

  “Yep,” I said standing up. “So far, so good. Hopefully I can keep it that way.”

  “Are you kidding me?” he replied wrapping his arms around me. “You’ve got me this semester and you know what a good study partner I am.”

  I started laughing as I thought about how distracting he was in the library, but he was right. I always did better with him, than without him, in every sense. I gave him a big hug, feeling the comfort return. He really was the best thing that had ever happened to me.

  Parker and I reached Issy’s floor and could hear the shouting before we even got off the elevator. My stomach dropped as I immediately thought the worse. Parker grabbed my hand for reassurance as we walked toward the chaos.

  The scene was out of a movie. Issy’s dad was shouting demands to nurses and doctors, while Jake stood toe to toe with him arguing about everything he was saying. Issy’s dad was the most intimidating person I had ever met, and even though Jake was only a couple inches shorter than him, I still felt as if her dad significantly had the upper hand.

  “Mr. Summers,” Jake stated adamantly. “Moving her now is ridiculous. She’s already made great progress in the last twelve hours, and all of her friends are here…I’m here.”

  Issy’s dad ignored him as he barked at the nurse to get the transfer paperwork going. She practically ran out of the room and finally he turned and acknowledged Jake. His voice was calm, but cold and condescending and the undertone of hatred was enough to give me chills.

  “Friends? Really? The same friends who put her in this place to begin with? And you? Where were you when all this was happening, huh?”

  I could tell his comment got to Jake because his face immediately became stiff and vacant.

  “Don’t you dare lecture me about being there for her,” Jake replied, his tone matching that of Issy’s dad, but with more volume. “If you weren’t such a colossal failure of a father to begin with, Issy wouldn’t feel the need to drown herself in alcohol. Who do think has been there the last four years picking up the pieces of the broken lives you left behind!”

  I realized I was holding my breath. The tension in the room was so electric that at any moment, I felt it could burst into flames. Issy’s dad was looking venomously at Jake who stared defiantly back at him.

  Before they could say another word or do worse, I heard Parker clear his throat to alert them to our presence. They both looked over, and showed equal contempt as they saw us in the doo
rway. I knew Jake’s wasn’t towards me, but it didn’t stop me from shivering anyway.

  “You have no business being here, young lady. Issy’s done nothing but go downhill since you moved in that apartment with her,” he stated authoritatively.

  My heart stopped as I stood in stunned silence. I felt Parker tense and then position himself in front of me as he addressed her father.

  “Sir, I understand that you are upset and frustrated, but there is no reason to talk to her like that. Avery wasn’t even at that party, and if she hadn’t thought to check on her when she got home, we’d be at a funeral right now instead of a hospital. She saved her life.” Parker’s tone was compassionate, but stern and there was no indication that he felt intimidated by Issy’s overbearing father.

  The mood in the room changed as Issy’s dad turned away and sat down in the chair nearest to his daughter. It was the first time I saw him as a worried father and not as dictator ordering people around. I felt sorry for him. I turned to Parker, who failed to even mention his part in all of this. He was the real hero, not me.

  Jake, on the other hand, was still shaking and walked right past us out of the room, not failing to shoot Parker a stare of pure hatred as he left. I turned to look at him and he held my gaze for just a second before turning away.

  I felt torn in half, wanting to run after Jake and comfort him, yet wanting to stay next to Parker’s calm demeanor and trust that everything was going to be ok.

  My thoughts were interrupted by the nurse coming back in to inform us that the transfer was complete, and they would be airlifting her to Duke University Medical Center in two hours. Everyone in North Carolina knew that hospital was superior and even nationally recognized, so part of me was glad Issy was going to have the best medical care possible.