by T Gray
Parker guided me towards Issy’s bed despite my hesitation, and I stood opposite her dad as I took her hand. I couldn’t stop the tears as my heart feared it could be the last time I ever saw her alive.
Issy’s dad was massaging his temples and then started talking. This time his tone was resigned and broken. “The doctor said that the CPR she received on site was critical to her having any chance of recovering, and if it had been even ten minutes later, she wouldn’t have survived.”
My heart skipped a beat as the “what if” scenarios started running through my mind.
“I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he continued. “I just don’t understand how it got this bad.”
I just nodded, unable to say anything else for fear I’d totally lose it. Parker gabbed a piece of paper and wrote down my name and phone number on it. He handed it to Issy’s dad who reluctantly took it.
“We’d like to stay in the loop if you don’t mind keeping us updated on how she is doing. We really do care about her and can do anything you need on this end to help.”
Issy’s dad nodded his head and put the phone number in his wallet. He stood up, looking more vulnerable than I’d ever seen him, shook Parker’s hand and then walked out the door. Parker immediately enfolded me into his arms and I just cried until I felt I had no more tears left. He didn’t say a word—just allowed me to access all of his strength, so I could get through it. He was more than Issy’s hero. He was mine too.
When I had finally calmed down, I kissed Issy’s forehead and told her I expected to hear from her real soon. Parker kept his arm around me all the way to the car and quietly drove us back to his place. I spent the evening with him, not wanting to leave and go back to the empty apartment waiting for me. We were curled together on the couch, watching a movie, and I felt so grateful to have him. I looked up at him, not trying to hide any of the emotion I felt and kissed him with everything I had.
He kissed me back and then looked in my eyes, a smile slowly appearing on his face. “There you are,” he said softly.
I looked at him questionably and sat up a little.
“You’ve just been distant since last night, but its nice to have you back,” he explained, stroking my cheek.
I laid back on his chest and turned my attention back to the movie. It scared me how well he knew me, as if he could read my mind and sense the minute I felt nervous or afraid or even confused. He didn’t hold anything back from me and wanted nothing more than for me to do the same. I once again felt torn, unsure if I could ever fully meet that expectation.
It was midnight before I finally drove home and made sure to text Parker as soon as I got there. I flipped on the light to the apartment and immediately felt grateful that I had done so much cleaning the night before. Everything looked normal, despite the glaring reality that it wasn’t. I looked over towards Issy’s room and noticed the hole in the wall had been fixed and now just needed a coat of paint. It registered at the same time that the trash bags I had filled were gone as well, as were the beer kegs. It was almost as if the events from the last twenty-four hours had never happened.
I sighed and walked in my room, eager to finally shower and crawl into bed. The water was like a life force through me and seemed to rejuvenate every part of my body. I put on my pajamas and got ready for bed, stopping in the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. I heard the door lock turn and felt my stomach drop. I hadn’t realized how eerie it was to be in here knowing Issy was gone and not coming back any time soon.
Jake saw my startled face as he opened the door and apologized for scaring me.
“I didn’t think I’d see you back tonight,” he said as he walked over to the wall near Issy’s room. He was carrying a small can of paint and a paintbrush with him.
“Thanks for cleaning up, Jake. It was nice to have it gone when I got home,” I said softly, walking over to him. I felt nervous being alone with him.
“I didn’t do much. You had most of it done when I got here. I’m sorry you had to do anything at all. It was our mess.” He still hadn’t really looked at me, just kept focused on painting over the patch in the wall.
“It’s fine,” I assured him. “It was actually a good distraction.”
He nodded his head and continued to work. The silence felt awkward, and I started towards my room, unwilling to stay in it any longer.
“I’m going to bed. Are you staying here tonight?” I asked tentatively, realizing it was a dumb question as soon as I did. Why would he stay without Issy?
He finally looked up at me, his eyes still dark and broken. “Do you want me to?” he asked softly.
I felt nervous and flustered, and had no idea what to say. Of course I wanted him there for comfort and security, but at the same time, I knew saying so would imply other things that were well beyond what I could cope with at that moment.
He set down the paintbrush and walked over to me, lightly caressing my face and hair. “I’ll stay. You don’t have to ask me to. I know what you’re feeling,” he whispered as he pulled me in for a hug. I allowed him to be there for me, to hold me up and give me the strength I desperately wanted. He stood firm, continuing to caress me as I buried my face in his chest. “I’m here, Avery…always.”
“Lord, I pray that you are faithful and will not let her be tempted beyond what she can bear, but when she is tempted, I pray that you will provide a way out so that she can stand up under it…”
20. GUILT
It was four days later when we got the call that Issy had woken up. Jake had faithfully come over every night around midnight and stayed on the couch until I left for my run in the morning. Neither one of us went near Issy’s room as we waited and hoped we’d hear something soon.
Earlier that night, Parker and I had gone out to dinner and a movie to enjoy our last night of freedom, and while it felt good and normal to be there, I found myself thinking about Jake and wondering if he was going to come by again tonight.
“Is everything ok?” Parker asked as he was driving me home. It was a question that came regularly now, as he could sense I was pulling away from him.
“Yeah, fine. Why?” I asked squeezing his hand and offering him a smile.
He smiled back, but was uneasy. “I just can tell something is up with you. Any word from Issy’s dad?”
I let out a long sigh and shook my head. The waiting was unbearable. To make matters worse, I had done some research on comas and learned that after so many days, the chance of the patient recovering was slim to none. Issy was at the halfway point.
Parker squeezed my hand back, trying to reassure me and then thankfully changed the subject. “Are you ready for tomorrow?” he asked brightly, knowing full well I wasn’t.
“Yeah, I guess so. I’m supposed to be in the lab at ten to meet with Russell and get the plan for his final phase of work. Just the thought of the lab makes me want to scream. Worse, I have Thermo at noon and Dynamics at two. My Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are going to stink!” I whined as I laid my head back on the headrest in his car.
Parker let out a chuckle and then shot me a warm smile. “Let’s meet in the quad after class. I want to hear all about it.”
I turned to him, feeling guilty for the millionth time that night. I hadn’t told him Jake had been staying over even though Issy was no longer around. I tried to convince myself it wasn’t a lie if he didn’t ask. “What about you?”
“I’ve got three booked back to back starting at nine. I like to get them out of the way early.”
“Wow, 9:00 a.m., me and that class would not do so well,” I teased, knowing full well that running was the only thing I was willing to wake up early for.
He smiled again, but didn’t say anything. We sat in the uncomfortable silence that seemed to hound us a lot the last couple of days until he finally pulled into my parking lot.
“You don’t have to walk me up,” I insisted as I leaned over to give him a kiss goodnight.
“Avery, you know I’m going to,” he replied as he put the ca
r in park.
We both got out and he wrapped his arm around me as we went up the stairs. I put mine around his waist, but again it felt forced, almost unnatural. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, why I was all of a sudden so distant from him. We stopped at the door and he pulled me to him, looking deep in my eyes, searching me. I felt embarrassed and guilty, and could hardly stand to look at him.
“You have to talk to me, baby. I can feel you slipping away and I don’t know how to stop it.” He seemed sad as he held my face in his hands, desperately trying to get me to open up to him.
“I’m not,” I tried to assure him and leaned in to give him a quick kiss. He tightened his grip and kissed me passionately, trying to evoke any emotion he could from me. I did my best to respond equally, but it was no use. He knew me too well, and slowly let me go, resting his head on mine for just a moment before he said goodbye. I could feel my heart cry as he walked down the steps, but I felt helpless as to how to close the gap that seemed to grow wider each day between us.
I walked into the apartment and to my surprise Jake was already there, working on his laptop at the bar. My heart skipped a beat as I thought of how awkward it would have been if I had opened the door with Parker standing next to me.
“You’re here early,” I said as I set my keys down, noting it was only ten o’clock.
He looked up from his laptop and shot me a breathtaking smile. Next thing I knew he had lifted me off the ground in an explosive hug while telling me Issy was awake. I stood stunned as it registered what he as saying and then jumped back in his arms with a squeal.
“Is she ok? Any long term damage?” I asked when we finally calmed down.
Jake gave me another big smile, his emerald eyes sparkling with joy. “None. She was a firecracker the minute she opened her eyes. She had no idea where she was. As far as she was concerned, it was New Year’s Day. Can you believe it?”
I shook my head, still feeling numb at the news. She was ok. A huge load of bricks tumbled from my shoulders and I felt happy and lighthearted for the first time in days.
“So…” Jake said mischievously as he walked back to the kitchen. “I’ve brought us something to celebrate with!” He came around the corner with a large bottle of champagne and two glasses.
“Jake, I have class tomorrow….hard classes,” I replied shaking my head as I headed to my room.
“So. Just one glass, Avery, come on…this is huge! Please?” His words were as charming as ever and I knew immediately that I would have at least one glass. I had no resolve with him…he knew exactly how to push my buttons.
“Fine,” I said caving, “Just let me get comfortable first.” I went in my room and threw on some sweats, brushed out my hair and clipped it up. For some reason, dressing down made me feel less guilty about hanging out with Jake. We were just friends, right? And friends could have a drink together. I pushed the guilt away once more and met Jake on the couch. He already had our glasses full and light music playing in the background.
I sat on the couch hesitantly and he handed me the glass.
“Here’s to Issy and her stubbornness, without which, I doubt we’d have anything to celebrate.” Jake looked happier than I had seen him in months, and I couldn’t help but smile too.
“To Issy,” I cheered as I brought my glass to his and took a sip.
We continued to talk well past midnight and before I knew it, I had drunk three glasses and was starting to feel a little lightheaded. Jake was keeping step as well and it seemed that the more we drank, the funnier and more relaxed both of us became, even broaching subjects that might otherwise be forbidden.
“So what do you like about this guy, anyway?” Jake asked as he poured the last of the bottle into our two glasses.
“Parker?”
“Yeah, who else?” he asked laughing.
“Honestly Jake, it’d probably be a shorter list to ask me what I didn’t like about him,” I replied. His jaw clenching told me he didn’t especially like my comment.
“Ok fine, what don’t you like about him?”
“Nothing really. He’s pretty much perfect,” I paused for a second, thinking about it. “Maybe just how insightful he is, I guess. I don’t feel like there can be any boundaries with us, and it makes me nervous. He wants too much from me,” I explained honestly, even surprising myself with the answer.
“That would drive me crazy,” Jake said settling back in his seat. “If I were you, I would feel like he was judging me all the time, trying to make me perfect too. I guess I tend to want someone with flaws, just like me.”
“Why?” I asked curiously.
“Because, what happens when they finally realize that you are never going to be good enough? They are either going to stay with you out of pity and be miserable, or they are going to cut their loses and move on. Either way, it’s got disaster written all over it.”
I thought about it for a minute and didn’t want to admit how much his words got to me. It was always my biggest fear that Parker would one day see me for the flawed person I really was. I shook my head, hoping to empty it. I smiled up at Jake and teased, knowing it would change the subject. “So you are saying I wasn’t perfect?”
Jake looked over at me and gave me a devilish grin. “Perfect for me…yes. But perfect…no. At least I would never expect you to be.”
I sighed and turned to lay my head on the armrest of the couch. Jake pulled my legs on his lap and started massaging my feet. I closed my eyes and enjoyed how good it felt. I had drunk too much and the room was starting to sway.
“You like that?” he asked softly and I just nodded my head, keeping my eyes closed. I felt him let go and then the couch shifted and Jake moved his body over mine. He began kissing my neck and I felt him take the clip out of my hair and the waves tumbled down the side of the couch.
“What about this?” Kiss. “And this?” More kisses moving up my jawline.
I could feel my heart racing and my stomach filling with butterflies. I knew what we were doing was wrong, but as much as my head said to stop it, I felt paralyzed by my body and how each kiss torched my skin.
I opened my eyes and looked right into his. He was moving forward, and I knew it was a point of no return if I let him kiss me. It meant the end for me and Parker if I did, and for some reason, I felt ok with it, even tried to justify it in my head that Parker was too good for me, and it would never last anyway.
Jake caressed my face and smiled. “Baby, it’s always been you and me,” he whispered as he moved forward. I closed my eyes again waiting, and right when I felt his breath on my face, my phone started to ring.
We both froze and Jake whispered, “Ignore it,” as he continued to move closer.
I turned my head right as he touched me and moved underneath him to grab the phone. It was Issy. I jumped off the couch and answered it, watching Jake put his head on the armrest in frustration.
“Hi!” I practically yelled into the phone when I answered it. “How are you?”
“Wow, Avery, you’re like breathing heavy. What did I interrupt?” Issy asked playfully. She was absolutely her old self. I immediately blushed as guilt hit me hard in the gut.
“Nothing! Jake and I were just celebrating your waking up!” I knew my voice was louder than usual, and even I didn’t recognize the tone of it.
“Have you been drinking?” she asked with a laugh. “And with Jake of all people?”
“Just a couple of glasses of champagne, nothing big,” I answered, trying to justify it. For some reason it sounded worse when Issy said it.
“Avery, champagne is the worst. No wonder you are slurring your words. What happened to Parker?”
Issy’s usual straightforwardness annoyed me and I retorted, “Nothing! Jake and I are just friends.” Issy sat quiet for a moment and then got real serious.
“Avery, I love Jake, you know that. But he cannot be trusted with you, ok. He’s not there out of friendship. You didn’t see him last night…I did. I mean New Yea
r’s, whatever. Anyway, Parker is a good guy, and I’ve seen the way you are with him. You need to really think this through.”
I felt my heart start to race again. I couldn’t believe Issy was lecturing me not even six hours after waking up from a coma. I didn’t want to think about this now; my head was swimming with all the emotions of the night.
“It’s good to see you are back to your old, opinionated self,” I replied trying to find some humor in my voice.
“Would you expect anything less? Hey, since he’s there, will you let me talk to him for a minute? I can’t seem to get ahold of my mom. I guessing my dad verbally accosted her pretty well.”
“Yeah, he’s pretty efficient at that,” I agreed without thinking.
“You too? Man, he’s a piece of work. Every nurse on my floor shakes when he’s around!” I could almost see Issy shaking her head as she spoke and the depth of how much I missed her hit me, reducing me to tears before I could control it.
“Avery, what’s wrong? Are you crying?” she asked, stopping her rant.
“Maybe,” I sniffled. “I’m just so glad you are ok. I don’t know what I would have done if anything happened to you.” I knew Issy hated this kind of stuff, verbal affirmation was not something she was comfortable with at all, but I couldn’t help myself.
“Avery, this here is why you stay away from champagne. Give me Jake,” she scolded.
I handed the phone to Jake and excused myself to my room to cry it out. It was the first time I had let the tears flow since the accident, and now I wondered if I would ever get them to stop. I had buried so much of my anxiety and fear, and now it all came out with nothing to hold it back. I wanted someone to hold me and ironically, it wasn’t Jake. I missed Parker. Missed his strength and compassion. I wanted to call him, but felt wrong. How could I ever turn to him now after what had almost happened tonight? It was shameful.
I could hear Jake yelling at Issy from the other room. “Like hell she is!” he screamed into the phone. “He’s just the rebound guy!”