by T Gray
I didn’t want to hear anymore and went to the bathroom to pull myself together. I came out as Jake was getting off the phone.
“Wow, did I get an earful. I’d be totally annoyed if I wasn’t so thrilled she’s back,” he said laughing as he walked in the door. He took one look at my face and stopped smiling, walking over to pull me into a big hug. His arms felt good, but I felt empty.
After a few seconds he asked, “Are you ok?”
I simply nodded my head and continued to rest against his chest. He put his hands on my face and lifted it up to have me look at him.
“Now, where were we?” he asked softly, hunger more than apparent in his green eyes.
I stepped back and pulled his hands from my face, still holding them as I spoke. “I should probably call it a night. I have to be up early tomorrow.”
He seemed to understand, but his body was stiff as he ran his hands through his hair in frustration. He pulled me close and kissed me softly on my forehead, as he was accustomed to doing lately, and left the room.
My sleep was more than fitful that night, and I didn’t even notice I had turned my alarm off when it went off at 8:00 a.m. I finally woke when the light from outside my window was too much to ignore. My head was pounding with such force, I could barely open my eyes. I turned to my alarm, wondering how early it was and practically jumped out of bed when I saw it said 9:45. I ran around my room in a frenzy, throwing on jeans and a sweatshirt. I rushed to the bathroom to brush my teeth and recoiled when I saw my reflection in the mirror. I looked terrible and more than obviously hung over. I pulled my hair into a tight ponytail and tried to use makeup to hide the black circles under my eyes. After ten minutes, I at least looked presentable, but I knew without question I would be late to meet Dr. Davis’ grad student.
I ran to my phone and sent him a quick text that I was on my way, and grabbed my backpack, which I had thankfully prepared the day before. Jake was still asleep on the couch when I left. I checked his alarm to make sure he hadn’t missed it and when I saw that he had set it for ten, I left quietly before it went off. I didn’t want to talk to him this morning.
Russell was less than thrilled with me when I ran in the lab, ten minutes later than agreed upon.
“Avery, I need to know right now if you are going to flake out on me again this semester?” he asked exasperated. “Precision is an absolute must for this phase and even ten minutes late matters.”
I pushed down my frustration as I tried to see his point of view. “Russell, I promise, this is a one-time thing. I got some news yesterday about my friend who had been in a coma, and I stayed up a little too late celebrating. It won’t happen again.”
The sympathy card seemed to work as he simply huffed and then went on to explain the new phase of work. He was right, precision was essential, and it looked like I would be taking samples all five days during the week. The positive was that it meant only two hours at a time in the lab, but every day felt like a daunting task.
After an hour with him showing and reshowing me the steps, I started to feel nauseous, and excused myself to the restroom, hoping cold water on my neck would calm my stomach. One of the worst side effects from years of throwing up was that my body immediately reacted the second my stomach felt even a little queasy. Today was no different and within minutes I was re-tasting the champagne from the night before.
When I was finished, I tried to rinse my mouth out with water and chewed on a mint. It didn’t matter though, even I could smell the alcohol. Great, what a way to make a good first impression on my new professors.
I bought a bottle of water from the vending machine in the hall and headed back to the lab, determined to get through the morning.
I finished up with Russell and made my way to my Thermo class. It felt different than last year, mostly because I didn’t recognize any of the students in there. My group had all advanced to Thermo II. I sighed and took out my book, ready to learn what seemed impossible last semester.
I had survived my first day, barely, and was on my way to meet Parker in the quad. My stomach had been in knots all day just thinking about seeing him after last night. I knew my behavior was unacceptable, and he deserved so much better than me. Jake had been right. I was far too flawed for a relationship of this magnitude, and if last night proved anything, it was that I would never be able to fully give my heart to Parker the way he expected me to. I felt frustrated by my own weakness and saddened at the idea of losing someone so special.
I neared our spot and quickly spotted him laying on the grass with his head propped up on his backpack. My stomach clenched and my heart started racing. I felt the dread run through my body as I began to question if I would be able to do this.
His eyes were shut as I approached him as quietly as I could. I set my backpack down and laid next to him. His hand immediately found mine and I felt my eyes well up with tears. He rolled over on top of me and gave me a long lingering kiss. I kissed him back with everything I had, wondering if would be the last time I ever felt his touch again.
He sensed my urgency and kissed me with even more passion, taking in every inch of my mouth while he stroked my face. The quad was packed with students, but I didn’t care. I never wanted to let him go. He finally pulled away, but hovered just an inch above my face. “I missed you,” he said softly.
My tears could not be contained, and his face quickly became concerned. “What happened?”
I forced a smile, not wanting to have the conversation yet. “Issy woke up.”
He sat up quickly and pulled me up as well. “When?” he asked enthusiastically.
“Last night. I even got to talk to her and she sounded exactly the same. It was amazing.” The tears were still flowing as I spoke, only they weren’t tears of joy like Parker thought.
“Oh baby, that’s wonderful!” Parker exclaimed cradling me in his arms. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“It was late,” I lied. It was becoming all too easy to do lately.
“It’s never too late, babe, you know that,” he said softly as he ran his finger up and down my back.
I took a deep breath, trying to settle my frazzled nerves. It was now or never and if I waited any longer, I knew I wouldn’t do it. “Parker, I think maybe we should press pause for a little while.” I said it so softly, I wasn’t even sure if he had heard me until I felt his body tense and him move my face up to look at him.
His eyes showed hurt, but also determination as he spoke. “Avery, don’t do this. You’ve been pushing me away for days now and there is no reason to.”
“I just think it’s for the best,” I choked out, pulling away just enough to get him to let go of my face.
“For the best? Are you kidding me? Avery, baby, just last week we were kissing on New Year’s totally optimistic for what this year would bring. There is no way things have changed this drastically in days. It doesn’t make sense.” He was pleading with me now, and I knew I had to say something fast or my resolve would be gone. I was hurting him and it broke my heart.
“I’m just no good for you, Parker. How do you not see that?” I asked as I grabbed at the necklace he bought me. “See this, I don’t even deserve it. I threw up the night of Issy’s accident and never told you. I’m a fraud, Parker, while you’re…well, you’re perfect.” I could feel my voice getting louder as I spoke and tried to quiet myself when I saw others around us start to take notice.
Parker pulled me to him again, despite my attempts to push him away. “I’m not perfect, Avery, although I’m flattered you think so. So you made a mistake, who cares, all you can do is move on and learn from it. I’m not going to judge you for it.”
“But you will,” I whispered. “Maybe not today, but one day you are going to see just how flawed and damaged I really am. When that happens, you aren’t going to look at me like this anymore…and you are going to regret that you ever did.”
Parker flinched as if I had stunned him and then looked at me skeptically. “Where is th
is coming from? It doesn’t sound like you at all.”
I didn’t answer, but continued to look at him sadly. He sighed and then started talking again, “Sweetheart, I already see you, and I love everything about you. What I can’t figure out is why you can’t accept this from me.”
“Because it doesn’t make sense…” I whispered, my voice trailing off. “There’s nothing here worth loving,” I finally admitted, exposing all my insecurity to him.
He pulled me to himself, shaking his head the whole time. He began to kiss my forehead and moved on to kiss both my cheeks and finally my lips before sternly saying, “I don’t ever want to hear you say that again. And a pause is out of the question. You’re not getting rid of me without a fight.” He held me tighter and I stopped fighting him, allowing myself to return his hold. I was so selfish and weak. I knew I needed to release him, to let him have a life free of me and my self-destructive behavior, but I just couldn’t do it.
Finally, he stood up and pulled me up with him. We grabbed our things and started walking toward the library.
“I don’t want to study there today. I just don’t feel like it. Could we study at your place and then just hang out for a while?” I asked giving him a pleading look. I would have offered mine, but I was not taking any chances with Jake still having a key.
“Sure,” he said laughing, but I could tell there was still sadness in his eyes. Our talk had affected him more than I thought it would, and it became more and more apparent as the night went on. He seemed more affectionate than usual, which was hard to be for Parker and kept his hand on me at all times. He seemed to be reassuring himself I was still there. The most distance we got was when we were studying. I had convinced him to let us go to his room since his roommate, Randy, was watching TV, and I couldn’t concentrate.
I had sat on his bed with my study system fully set up and he was shuffling papers on his desk. I finished all my work in forty-five minutes and just lingered there smiling as I watched him try to be quiet and concentrate. He looked especially handsome tonight, and I couldn’t help but watch as his muscles tensed through his t-shirt. Without thinking I walked over to him and rubbed the back of his head as I sat on his lap facing him. I started kissing him before he could protest, and it didn’t take much before he reciprocated with all the emotion we had both felt earlier in the day.
I slid my sweatshirt off which left only my tank top underneath. I wasn’t wearing a bra, and the impact on Parker was even more significant than I thought it would be. He started kissing my neck and even moved down to the neckline of my tank. I felt him tense as he whispered, “Avery, we can’t...”
“Shhh, just a little longer,” I pleaded taking his mouth in mine again. I needed this tonight, needed this closeness to help make sense of everything I was feeling.
His willpower waned some more as he lifted me on to the bed. His body covered mine and I took the opportunity to explore every inch of his body until he grabbed my hand and held it in his as he continued to kiss me.
Slowly, the kisses became less hungry and more tender as he once again regained control of the situation. He pulled me up to the sitting position, still tenderly kissing my lips and helped me put my sweatshirt back on.
I sighed when he suggested we go watch some TV and followed him out of the room. He continued to keep me close the rest of the night and didn’t say a word about our study session until he walked me to the car.
I unlocked the door and turned to say goodbye when I felt his hungry lips capture mine. He backed me against the car and I felt my whole body catch on fire. After just a minute, he pulled back, but the look of desire in his eyes was startling.
“I’m not perfect, Avery, so don’t think that wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. But…you’re worth waiting for. And today, especially, it just felt wrong,” he said softly with a rasp in his voice.
I knew he was right. I was trying to avoid the emotional intimacy I was still unwilling to give him. It wasn’t fair to either one of us.
“You’re right,” I agreed as I kissed him one last time before getting in my car. He watched until I was out of sight and then I took advantage of the next stop sign to text Jake to let him know I didn’t need him to stay over anymore now that Issy was ok. He replied with a sad face and an “ok.”
I felt relieved as I drove home, but the feeling was short-lived because Jake was already situated on the couch when I walked in my apartment. He stood up defensively when he saw the look on my face and explained, “I was already here when I got your text, so I just wanted to see you before I left.”
I turned and locked the door and set my backpack on the table, trying my best to avoid eye contact with him. “Jake, what happened the other night can’t...”
“Cant happen again. I understand,” he said quickly interrupting me mid sentence. “We both had a little too much to drink, and it crossed the line, I know. Just friends…I haven’t forgotten.”
I walked into the kitchen to get a drink, and he leaned on the counter to ask about my day. I filled him in on the mad dash to the lab that morning and made fun of both my engineering professors. He shared his day with me too, and it was nice to just relax and laugh with him without all the usual tension between us. He made Issy’s absence seem less staggering, and by the time he left I was actually grateful he had come by.
The next day I made sure to be five minutes early to the lab, and Russell was there again, mostly to check up on me I think. He seemed pleased by my punctuality and didn’t stay too long. My three classes for the day were easy enough, and I didn’t even feel tired when I found Parker in the library that afternoon.
“Hey!” he said with a smile when I sat down. He leaned across the table and gave me a kiss hello. “How was your day?”
“It was good. Nothing really to report.” I hadn’t told him that I was late to the lab on Monday, so it seemed stupid to mention that I was on time today. “My Technical Writing class is going to be a breeze. What about you?”
“Ugh…and that doesn’t even begin to describe it. My Tuesday, Thursday classes are miserable this semester. What’s worse, they both include one-hour labs,” he answered wrinkling up his nose. He seemed to be a little more relaxed with me today, which was good.
“Well, you know how much I love lab work. Sounds fun.” The sarcasm was dripping from my voice, and he laughed, knowing my hatred for it.
When he stopped, he finally noticed I hadn’t pulled out any of my books. “Aren’t you going to study?” he asked confused.
“Not really. I got everything done in the lab this morning. I just wanted to come by and say hi.”
He seemed disappointed and surprised. Last semester I always stayed with him even if I was finished for the day. For some reason today, though, I just wanted to get home.
“Is everything ok?” he asked with a weary voice.
“Of course,” I assured him. “You just haven’t seen me in school without being covered head to toe in stress.”
He looked at me questionably and then sighed, “Can I come by when I’m finished?”
I wanted to say yes, but worried once again that Jake might just show up. Parker saw my hesitation and looked visibly hurt.
“I’m going into Asheville to do some shopping today, so why don’t you just call me when you’re done and we can meet up.” I threw it out there a little too quickly and it didn’t sound convincing, even to me.
“You’re doing it again,” he said sadly as he looked intently at me.
“Please don’t read into this, Parker. We spent so much time in the library last semester. I’m just a little tired of constantly studying. I know you have to, and that’s ok. I’ll just meet you later.” I started to stand and grabbed my backpack. He stood too and walked around the table to take my hand.
“How is it possible that I’m looking right at you, but still miss you so much?” he questioned in a resigned tone. I couldn’t figure out why he was so hurt. I just didn’t want to
study, that’s all. He was making me frustrated and irritable.
“I don’t know why you are getting so upset about this,” I replied exasperated.
He took my other hand in his and looked at me the way he always did, making me feel loved, yet this time I felt guilty all at the same time.
“You’re not here with me, Avery. I can sense it. You’re holding back again and honestly, I’m still a little haunted by our conversation yesterday. I just want to spend time with you.”
I sighed and touched his face. “And we’ll see each other tonight. I promise.” I gave him a quick peck on the lips and turned to leave. I saw his head drop as he sat back down to study. My stomach turned knowing I was the cause of his pain, but it wasn’t enough to make me turn around and stay. I pushed through the big library doors and sucked cool air into my lungs. The feeling of suffocation was finally starting to leave my body, and I turned to go home, keeping my eyes averted from the spot that Parker and I usually shared.
Halfway through campus, I heard my name being called behind me. I turned around to see Jake jogging to catch up.
“Hey,” he panted with his hands on his knees. “Wow, that was harder than I thought it would be. Whatcha up to?”
“I’m just going to get my car and head into Asheville. I’m feeling the need to get off campus for a little while,” I explained watching him pant. It was mildly amusing.
“Want some company?” he asked as we started back walking towards my apartment.
“Sure,” I agreed a little too eagerly. I then remembered that Parker was going to meet me later. “I can only hang out for a little while. Parker’s supposed to meet me when he’s done.”
“Sounds good. Come on, I’m parked at your place anyway,” he said with a grin. Somehow he had managed to get his hands on a housing parking pass. I didn’t ask how.
“So, did you make it to the lab this morning without my bad influence?” he asked as we walked, taking the opportunity to nudge me with his shoulder. I started laughing and nodded, telling him about Russell still checking up on me. I went on to tell him all about my other classes and was surprised how much I had to say when just minutes ago I had felt blank with Parker.