From The Dead

by John Herrick

  As the music continued and the band moved into another song, Jesse abandoned himself to worship and reconnected with the Jesus he’d known as a kid.

  Deep within, Jesse sensed a humble pleasure, a fresh renewal.

  A thirst quenched.

  CHAPTER 51

  “I want to tell Drew.”

  Brick Oven was crowded when they met for dinner the following evening.

  “Tell him what?” Caitlyn asked.

  Jesse hesitated, but his resolve resurfaced again. Confident, he locked eyes with hers. “I want to tell him I’m his father.”

  Caitlyn hadn’t expected this. In mid sip, she swallowed her iced tea. “Oh, I … oh …”

  Jesse examined her eyes in an attempt to read them. “I mean, if it’s all right with you,” he added. “Only if it’s okay with you.”

  “I suppose I’m not surprised. He’s crazy about you, and you two have gotten along so far.”

  “Six months and counting.”

  Caitlyn chewed on her straw and appeared to evaluate him. “Are you sure you’re ready?”

  “I’ve weighed it in my mind over and over.” Jesse took her hand in his. “He deserves a dad. We’ve taken that away from him long enough. I’m begging you for the chance to give it back to him.”

  Across the table, Caitlyn fidgeted as she listened.

  Jesse continued, “There’s a piece of him that aches. I’ve been able to help fill part of that void, but there’s still a side of him that hungers—I mean, he looks for his dad in people’s eyes.” Jesse caught her gaze. “He thinks his dad doesn’t want to know him, and it hurts him inside. I don’t want him to endure that any longer.”

  As Caitlyn seemed to warm to the concept, they pictured Drew and Jesse together. They talked about the positive long-term development that Drew might experience with a father in his life. Then Caitlyn laid out the unknowns and the risks that would accompany the decision.

  She looked at Jesse, her voice a tender plea but her facial expression firm. “If we do this,” she said, “you can’t turn back. If you leave, you’ll break his heart beyond repair. He loves you already; you’ve established that bond. So today, things are different than when you first came home. If you go away again …”

  Jesse clasped both of her hands in his and gave them a squeeze, gentle yet sincere. “I promise: His needs come first.” He squeezed tighter. “From now on.”

  At first, Caitlyn didn’t respond, though her eyes drilled into Jesse’s, as if to search for a hint of impulse or lapse. But Jesse remained decisive. She said, “I need to know this; I need to hear it from you: Do you love that little boy?”

  “More than life,” he replied. Not a trace of hesitation.

  With this, Jesse peered deep into Caitlyn’s eyes and saw her struggle for an answer.

  CHAPTER 52

  “We’re going to tell him,” Jesse said. “Cait and I are going to tell Drew I’m his dad.”

  Jesse started to chew a fingernail but caught himself. He awaited Eden’s response.

  Though she remained calm, a blink of her eyes revealed Eden’s excitement. On the tail end of a half day of vacation, she had stopped by the church before she headed to her office. In an empty meeting room at the church building, she and Jesse ate an early lunch of burgers and fries, which she had brought with her.

  “How do you feel about it?” she asked.

  Jesse took a deep breath and released it in a slow exhale, the kind that comes right before you hit a button marked “Activate.” He replied, “Thrilled. Nervous.”

  “That’s understandable.”

  “You’re the social worker; you unite families all the time. What do you think of the idea?”

  “What do you think of the idea?” she countered.

  “I believe it’s the right thing. It comes from the deepest part of my soul,” he said. “But once we tell him, everything will change. So the unknown is a bit frightening—not for me, but for Drew. How will he respond when he finds out I’m the guy who had never been around for him? Will he want a relationship now? Even though, with all my heart, I want to take this step and be a father to him—what if the shock hurts him all over again and causes him a brand new kind of anxiety? What then?”

  Eden studied Jesse’s nonverbal indicators.

  Eden brushed salt crystals from a fry before she slid it into her mouth. She squinted as she chewed, then followed it with a sip of diet cola. “You’ve told me lot about Drew since you reunited with him. You’ve shared some of the details he’s told you, many of which come from deep inside him,” she said. “And to me, it’s obvious the one thing that little guy has wanted most is to know his dad. He’s held out hope that his dad would return.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right,” he said.

  “You’re following your heart. You’re doing the right thing.”

  Jesse nodded, but his demeanor remained anxious.

  Eden checked the time on her watch. Then, in a hasty move, she wrapped up their lunches. “Come on.” She got up from her chair. “I want to take you somewhere.”

  “Where?”

  “You’ll see.”

  Curious, Jesse wiped his hands on a napkin and followed her out the door.

  * * *

  When Jesse and Eden arrived at the adoption agency where she worked, she introduced her big brother to the staff, all of whom offered warm greetings. Next, Eden pointed to an internal window, a single glass pane covered by a pair of thin curtains, in the far corner of the main office. “The room’s through there,” she said and gave Jesse permission to observe the event that would occur. After she left for her office, Jesse indulged the staff in stories from Eden’s childhood, tales they would surely use as blackmail in the future.

  While in mid sentence, Jesse shifted his attention to a married couple in their mid thirties, who walked into the agency and spoke to the receptionist. The sandy-haired man attempted to contain his excitement, while his wife, her hands clasped together, radiated.

  Those must be the parents, Jesse concluded.

  Soon Eden walked down the hall to greet them and led them to the room on the other side of Jesse’s window, where they signed some final paperwork. Then Eden left the room.

  Discreet yet respectful, Jesse took occasional glances through the window. The small room had a living-room feel, complete with a sofa and loveseat, table lamps and end tables. But the couple couldn’t remain seated. No doubt caught between nervousness and eager anticipation, the husband paced a while before he returned to his wife’s side, where he wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She wrung her hands.

  The door to the room opened again, and in walked Eden—with a tiny infant in her arms, wrapped in a blanket.

  Their baby girl.

  And here, the world halted for the new parents. For an endless moment, the awestruck couple stared, speechless, at their daughter. At first, Jesse noticed the couple’s hesitancy: their date with destiny had arrived. After years of protracted delay, while the couple’s names edged step by step to the top of an extensive waiting list—after all the home studies, the legal issues, the prospects and setbacks—the moment had arrived: a dream fulfilled.

  With careful steps, the couple met Eden halfway across the room. Jesse watched as Eden laid the sleeping baby into the new mother’s open arms. Both parents’ eyes moistened and opened wider, as though to absorb every available detail.

  Moments like this can’t be bought, Jesse thought to himself. Before he knew it, he’d glued his eyes to the window pane. Although he stared straight through, no one noticed. Transfixed on the life-changing event that unfolded before his eyes, Jesse watched as the couple wept. He watched the wife’s self-conscious giggle as a tear dropped from her eye onto the baby’s forehead. Eden smiled, patted her on the arm, assured her it wouldn’t harm the infant.

  With joy Eden watched the trio. From the way Eden’s face gleamed, you would think she had started these people’s lives all over again.

  But then
again, she had.

  She had just turned them into parents.

  And Jesse had witnessed the transformation with his own eyes. Blown away, hand to mouth, he tried to shake his head in wonder but found himself immobile for the moment.

  Here before him unfolded the gift of life. And Jesse, grateful to be alive, wouldn’t throw his own life away for anything.

  CHAPTER 53

  They sat together on the sofa in Caitlyn’s living room. With Drew in the middle, Caitlyn and Jesse flanked him on each side.

  Jesse pivoted toward his son and said, “Your mom and I have something to tell you.”

  His eyes innocent, Drew peered at Jesse, while Caitlyn turned and placed her hands on her son’s shoulders.

  Jesse struggled for words as the moisture evaporated from his tongue. This wasn’t as straightforward as he’d imagined. His racing pulse fit for a speedway, he looked down at his own hands and noticed they shook with tension.

  Drew noticed too. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes.” Jesse feigned composure but fooled no one. He pressed his hands against his own knees for stability. “Buddy, I’ve had a chance to get to know you for a while …” No, wrong way to start. The minute became elastic as chewing gum, and Jesse hung midway with nothing but air beneath his feet.

  He’s waiting for you. Say something.

  Jesse tried again. “Drew … you remember shortly after we first met, don’t you? When your mom and I told you that she and I knew each other long ago, spent a lot of time together as high-school kids?”

  Drew nodded. Behind Drew, Caitlyn urged Jesse forward with a nod of her own. How could she stay so poised? Jesse certainly didn’t share her coolness. His brow started to bead with perspiration; he wiped it, then clenched his jaw and decided to clutch for confidence anyway. Jesse shared a bond with Drew, after all.

  Jesse leaned closer, a few inches from the boy’s face. He searched deep within Drew’s eyes.

  A puzzled look on his face, Drew asked, “What?”

  “You have eyes like mine,” Jesse replied, a reference to Drew’s remark at Brandywine Falls.

  Drew grinned. “I know.”

  Jesse tried again. “No, I mean, you have my eyes.”

  At first Drew looked confused. He furrowed his eyebrows at Jesse’s words—and then the words appeared to dawn on him. Drew’s facial expression emptied; it transformed to a blank, bewildered stare. Almost imperceptible, Drew leaned his head back an inch.

  Jesse placed his hand on Drew’s knee to reassure his son. They stared straight into each other’s eyes; neither flinched, neither blinked. “I’m your dad, Drew.”

  Drew’s eyes fluttered with shock before he stopped them. He didn’t say a word. Perhaps unsure how to respond, his brow furrowed again as he looked down and stared at his knees. He raised his head again and peered behind at his mother, who caught his glance and nodded to confirm the truth. She squeezed his shoulders and continued to monitor the situation.

  Slowly Drew pivoted his head back toward Jesse but wouldn’t make eye contact with his father. Instead, Drew stared down at his feet. Jesse couldn’t blame the kid for his shock: For so many years, Drew had hoped his dad would return, only to discover his parents had excluded him from their critical secret. How else could Jesse expect him to react?

  Jesse laid his hands on his son’s arms in an effort to reassure him again. At this point, the boy’s sense of security had to have taken a nosedive. “Drew? Buddy?”

  Drew jostled his arms to shake Jesse’s hands off.

  Caitlyn whispered into Drew’s ear. “Drew? Honey, do you feel okay?”

  Drew shrugged as his face flushed pink. His lips appeared tense; he himself had tightened them. Jesse could tell Drew fought to hold back tears. And the boy still wouldn’t make eye contact with him. Caitlyn closed her arms around Drew and kissed him on the head.

  Jesse started to get concerned. He couldn’t care less about himself—he needed to know his son was safe. “Drew?” he said in a near whisper. “Look in my eyes …”

  Hesitant, Drew lifted his gaze and their eyes locked. Jesse noticed the tear that Drew fought with all his might to subdue. Jesse knew it wasn’t a tear of anger, but of fright—of a helpless child in a desperate grab for a lifeline.

  The kid was stronger than Jesse estimated. And yet, Jesse couldn’t imagine how vulnerable Drew must have felt.

  Caitlyn rubbed her son’s arms but remained quiet.

  Jesse knew he needed to say something but felt so unprepared himself. “I know this is a shock to you. And it’s not fair for you to be put on the spot like this … this can’t be easy … I—I didn’t know how else to tell you.”

  Jesse tousled the hair on top of Drew’s head, which failed to trigger a reaction. Drew looked back down toward his feet, as though his parents had betrayed him and he didn’t know who to trust. Jesse heard the sound of Drew’s teardrop hit his sneaker. Drew wiped his eyes, and their moisture formed a sheen on his fingers.

  Jesse leaned in once again. “Drew, please say something—even if you’re angry, please say something …”

  But Drew continued to stare at the floor. The boy’s murmur cracked as he spoke. “Why didn’t you tell me before?” he asked. The question sounded like a plea. Jesse’s gut constricted.

  Jesse paused. At this point, he could only offer his son transparency. “I didn’t feel I had any right to put you in that position while I was a stranger.” No, that wasn’t the whole truth. “And I was afraid, Drew.”

  Drew looked as if he hadn’t eaten in five days but couldn’t locate an appetite. Jesse knew that in a matter of minutes, his son had found himself drenched with anger, love, hurt, betrayal—a rapid influx of emotions, more than most ten-year-olds ever needed to bear.

  Caitlyn wrapped her arms tight around the boy. “We don’t expect anything from you,” she whispered. She veered around to meet his eyes with hers. “Do you want some time to let this sink in? Maybe a few days with just you and me?”

  Drew mouthed agreement as his eyes glossed over again. His mother laid a kiss on his cheek, from which a tear clung to her lip.

  Drew got up and padded to his bedroom without another word. Jesse and Caitlyn listened as the door clicked shut.

  In the stillness, Jesse stared at a random spot on the living-room window, one hand over his mouth. “What a horrible idea; I don’t know what I was thinking. How’s he supposed to react?”

  Caitlyn laid her hand on his. “You did fine. His life just got turned upside down. He needs a little time,” she said. “He’s waited for you for years, Jesse—he needs his dad. Don’t give up.”

  His elbows at rest on his knees, Jesse drew his steepled hands to his chin. He bounced his chin on his fingertips in nervous response.

  “Yeah …”

  CHAPTER 54

  In concurrence with Caitlyn’s suggestion, Jesse kept his distance, which gave Drew time to sort through the revelation of his father’s identity. Jesse, though he kept in touch with Caitlyn each day, craved to communicate with his son and comfort him. But he realized the kid needed time to process his emotions and talk them over with his mom, the parent with whom he was more comfortable and who, at this point, seemed to remain the one aspect of the boy’s life that had not shifted beneath his feet.

  Several days later, with permission from Caitlyn to revisit anytime, Jesse stopped by their house after dinner. Caitlyn answered the door and let him in.

  “Is he here?” asked Jesse.

  A tranquil blink of her eyes, then Caitlyn gestured with her head toward the back of the house. “He’s on the patio.”

  “How’s he coping?”

  “It’s sinking in gradually. He started to ask questions.” Her eyes communicated a soft, welcome glint that assured Jesse all would work out fine in time. “He’s shaken, but he’s open. Go talk to him.”

  Jesse stepped outside on that dark October evening. Beneath the porch light, he found Drew, collected, seated on a chair as he gazed at t
he stars. Although Drew didn’t acknowledge Jesse’s presence, he kept careful watch from the corner of his eye. Jesse noticed the kid wore a long-sleeved, hooded Ohio State T-shirt with its hood pulled over his head, but not a coat. Maybe his observation meant his parental instinct had kicked in. But in reality, Jesse knew he noticed only because he himself felt like cold aluminum in the chilly air.

  “Your mom said I’d find you out here,” Jesse said, careful to exude comfort through his tone. To help break the ice, he added a hint of humor: “Aren’t you freezing?”

  Drew shrugged. “It’s not too bad out.” He was right; it couldn’t have been less than forty degrees. Jesse pulled a chair alongside Drew’s and shared the backyard view. And Drew continued to watch. Jesse wondered if the boy felt more secure with his father’s soothing presence a heartbeat away.

  “How’ve you been?” Jesse pretended to be captivated by the horizon.

  “Fine.”

  Jesse nodded but kept his eyes on the stretch before him. He folded his hands in his lap and let a quiet minute pass before he spoke again. “When I was a kid—much younger than you—I lost my mom. She didn’t leave town, and it wasn’t her fault she was gone; she died unexpectedly. I spent almost my whole childhood without her, wishing she could come back to me—oh, what I would’ve given to have her back. I never got the chance, though.” Jesse looked down at his son. “I wasn’t here for you, Drew. I can never make that up to you. But if you’re willing to give your dad a chance, you can have him back. And he loves you so much.”

  Drew wiggled.

  Jesse continued, “I’m sorry; I never wanted to lie to you. Your mom and I just wanted to protect you. You know how much I care about you and respect you.”

  Amid a gust of cold breeze, a vulnerable Drew wrapped himself in his own arms. “Why did you go away before I was born?”