by London Casey
So his hands were dirty, but a good dirty. His knuckles were like really big too. Almost swollen all the time. A couple weeks ago when he came by to pick up Anna, he stood at the bottom of the porch with his hand on the railing. I asked him about his knuckles and he said it was from them getting smashed. Getting hit with wrenches or pushing at a wrench and the nut or bolt or whatever letting go and his hand slamming into metal.
I loved when he talked to me. He was so calm and actually looked at me when he talked to me. When he cursed he made it sound cool.
I pictured him taking my hand and pulling me close. Telling me how good I looked. That I was beautiful. I wondered what else his hands would do. Where they’d touch. But it was okay with me. All the places. Yes. He could teach me and I would learn.
More than anything, I just wanted him to kiss me. Lean in… slowly… our eyes open… staring…
“Hey, are you okay?”
I jumped and gasped.
I caught my breath and reached for the door.
“Yeah. Check it out.”
I opened the door.
Riley started to nod. “Wow. That looks amazing on you.”
“Really? Are you just saying that?”
“No. Honestly, Adena. You should get it. Right now.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. And then we’re going to the food court to get pretzels.”
“What? Why?”
“Scott is there.”
“What about Andy?”
“What about?” Riley asked. “I’m going to the dance with him. I’m not married to him.”
“Right,” I said. “Let me get changed.”
“Can you meet me over there?” Riley asked. She bit her lip.
“Of course,” I said.
Riley took her phone out and hurried away.
I took my time as I got changed and then I carried the dress to the counter. The lady behind the counter gave me judgmental eyes when I said I wanted the dress. She told me in a cocky voice she would not take a credit card from me. That kids were stealing their parents credit cards and using them for dresses and that she could get fired.
I kept my patience and took out the wad of cash.
She stood there and counted the money and marked it all with a marker. She gave me a speech about fake money. None of the money was fake. I worked my ass off to make that money just so I could buy that dress. I earned every dollar and when the lady behind the counter handed me the dress to take home, I could have cried.
I took the dress to the car and gently placed it in the trunk.
Then I went to the food court to meet up with Riley.
She was there with Scott, Bobby, and Mick. Then I saw Ashley and Chloe.
I talked to everyone but couldn’t tell you what they said to me or what I said to them.
All I could think about was the dress.
And Evan.
I needed to get his attention.
He and Anna were just friends now. Which was perfect. Because I was going to ask her for her help…
… and she was going to crush my heart.
Chapter Thirteen
(Sleep Tight, Sweetheart)
NOW
(Evan)
I touched her shoulder and crouched down. I gently shook her. “Hey, Adena. It’s Evan.”
She stirred and made a groaning sound. She dropped her shoulder to get me to stop touching her.
“Sweetheart, you need to get upstairs to bed,” I said. “The party is over. Let’s call it a day.”
She made a noise again.
I stood back up and looked around. There were only a handful of people there still. In a crazy change of things, people were cleaning up after themselves. Years ago we’d trash the party and just leave.
I grabbed a chair and slid it back and sat next to Adena while she slept.
The day floated through my mind.
I didn’t sleep all that great last night knowing I had to come back here. When I left, it was for good. And it was for good reason. Things had gotten so twisted up with Anna and what her version of reality had become, I couldn’t save her anymore. I tried to save her that last week I was still in town but it backfired on me. Fuck, it almost landed me in jail. And it wasn’t like I was living any kind of dream life working at Uncle Davey’s shop. That was just to kill time, earn a living, and let shit happen as it wanted to.
Adena lifted her head a little and turned to face me. She reached up and peeled the hood back but didn’t open her eyes. She put her head down again… right on my shoulder.
I felt my teeth clench as my heart squeezed.
I turned my head and could smell her hair. The smell of flowery shampoo and a long ass day. Damn, she was pretty. She had always been pretty. There was no denying that. Part of me always thought about approaching her but I didn’t want to bring her into my messy life. It was bad enough she had to deal with her sister. In some strange way, hanging around Anna was my excuse to see Adena and it was my way of thinking maybe I was helping Adena out by keeping Anna away.
“Hey, there you are, man,” Mike said after walking out onto the back porch. “I’m going to jet out of here. I have to call up and check on Dad. I always try to talk to the nurses and shit. Was thinking about dropping by but it’s too late now.”
“Okay. I’m good here.”
Mike eyed me. Then Adena as she slept. “Oh. You’re staying here?”
“Riley asked me to,” I said. “I guess she was going to hang here with Adena. I’m going to wait until everyone is gone and then carry her upstairs. Figure I should stay in case she gets sick or whatever. I guess she was drinking pretty good.”
“Rightfully so,” Mike said.
“Yeah. And I don’t want her to wake up later or tomorrow and be alone. Not sure how much of this has really sunk in yet.”
“True,” Mike said. “Okay. Well, you know where I live, Evan. You have my number.”
“Mike,” I said as he started to turn. I put my hand out. “Thank you. For getting word back to me about this. I’m really sorry about your dad. I mean that. And everything that happened here. This town. That night. The fucking accident… I never meant…”
“I know, Evan,” Mike said. “Believe me, I know. I’m tired, okay? Just take care of Adena.”
Mike shook my hand and walked off the back porch.
I gave it another twenty minutes or so and it was dark outside. There were lights on in the house but I didn’t see anyone moving around. In some fucked up way I was waiting for Anna to appear in a window or at the door. Or maybe come stumbling through the backyard, waving her arms and yelling. Or crying.
But it was silent. Damn, it was so silent. After the day we all had, the silence wasn’t welcome. It made me feel weird.
So I slowly turned and cupped the side of Adena’s head so her neck didn’t flop down to the chair. I crouched before her again and just stared for a few seconds.
I smiled.
“You know, I sometimes thought about what it would be like to see you again, Dena,” I whispered. “This scenario never once crossed my mind.”
I stood up and wiggled my hands under her body and lifted her off the chair. She groaned again and cuddled close to my chest. Her hands clung tight to my shirt and my skin.
I stood for a second and took a deep breath. This was why I wanted to avoid coming back down here. Every step was a step down memory lane. Every step closer to the back door, Adena in my arms, leaving me to realize that it was officially down to just me and her in the house.
I took her upstairs and took my chances as I figured out which room was hers. Since it was her house now, I figured the master bedroom and I was right. All the times I had snuck a peek into Adena’s bedroom - well, old bedroom now - and saw posters of crappy bands, puppies and kittens, the allure of the innocence that she couldn’t help but project all the while growing up at a faster rate than anyone I knew. But now this new bedroom was that of a grown woman. Everything matched. Everything was
put together nicely. There was a sweet smell lingering in the air. Perfume? Laundry soap? Just overall clean?
Gently, I placed Adena down on the bed.
I noticed there was a nightstand on each side of the bed. A lamp to match. I walked to the other side of the bed and turned on that light. It moved through the room but didn’t flood it. I figured if Adena woke up and didn’t feel all that great, she’d have some light to help navigate herself. Then again, I didn’t want her to try and walk around, did I?
I put my hand to the bed and wondered if anyone had ever slept on this side of the bed. A boyfriend? Something more serious? Hell, something less serious?
I caught myself touching the sheets with a little bit of jealousy hitting me.
Groaning, I turned and walked out of the bedroom. I went to the bathroom where I was hit with a smell that matched Adena’s hair. I reached for the trash can and opened the shower curtain and found the washcloth. My eyes scanned the shower. A pink razor hanging from a shower caddy. Four bottles of soaps or shampoos or whatever.
Why did this sight drive me crazy?
Because in some fucked up way I was picturing Adena in the shower? Standing there naked… the water touching her faster than her hands…
I had to get out of the bathroom. I had to get out of the house. I had to get out of the fucking town.
I picked up a towel on the way out of the bathroom and got Adena all set up in case she got sick. Then I stood there and watched her sleep. On her side, still wearing a hoodie, her knees tucked up a little. She looked comfortable, even if she was drunk. Maybe she’d feel like hell the next morning… and the morning after that. But eventually it would lessen. In some strange way, Adena was officially free.
Which meant she didn’t need me around. I didn’t need to be there and mess things up.
I touched her shoulder and bent forward.
I kissed her shoulder, realizing it was the first time I ever kissed her.
All these years later… after everything that happened…
“I’m so sorry, Dena,” I whispered. “It’ll be okay now. No matter what you think. It’ll be okay now.”
I stood and turned and Adena grabbed my hand. She turned her hand a little and spread her fingers enough to want to interlock them with mine. So I let her.
Our fingers were interlocked, tight. She had a fierce grip, too.
Now, let’s be fair, I could have broken away from her in a second. But I told myself she had me… which meant…
I turned and slowly fell to the floor. My back against the bed. My right arm and hand up. It was going to be a really uncomfortable night of sleep. But it would probably be nothing compared to the morning when Adena realized I was there.
I looked at our hands together and curled my lip.
This wasn’t the first time she held my hand for comfort, was it?
Chapter Fourteen
(What if She’s Gone For Good?)
YEARS AGO
(Evan)
I pushed at the wrench and the bolt finally popped free. It was twenty minutes of my life I’d never get back again. When the bolt popped, my entire hand flew forward, down into the rusted parts of an engine that should have been junked a long time ago. My knuckle hit some jagged metal and exploded.
I wanted to scream but if Andy’s old man heard me, he’d come over and break my balls for being too weak to do the job. He was a dick like that, but he meant well. His old man used to beat him with a belt just for the hell of it. So even though he inherited his father’s drinking habit and hate-the-world attitude, he didn’t raise a hand to Andy, which meant he was a better father than his own.
After I wrapped my hand in a towel to stop the bleeding and to wipe away the grease, I went outside for some air.
That’s when I saw Andy standing at the side of a cop car. Andy turned and pointed right at me.
Oh, fuck me. What now?
I learned my lesson when it came to running from the cops when they wanted to talk to me. Plus, I didn’t do a thing wrong this time. I had been at the garage all damn day, trying to earn some extra money.
So I wiped my hands and busted knuckle and threw the towel in the trash. Then I walked toward Andy and the cop car.
As I approached, Andy turned and widened his eyes.
“What?” I whispered.
“Looking to talk to you, man,” he said.
It was Dick. Dick, the cop.
I crouched and put my hands to the open passenger window. “Can I help you, Dick?” I asked with a grin.
“Funny,” he said.
“Whatever you’re looking for, it’s not here. I’ve been here all day. Andy could vouch for me. So could his old man.”
“I’m not here to break your balls, Evan,” Dick said. “I’m looking for Anna.”
“Anna?”
“She went out last night and never came home. Beth called the station in a panic around three. They told her there was nothing they could do because it wasn’t twenty-four hours. Word got back to me so I shot over there this morning around eight. She still wasn't home. Beth’s a nervous wreck. Your name came up a few times.”
“Shit,” I said. “I haven’t seen her.”
“You sure about that?”
“Are you kidding me? I was home last night. Sleeping so I could get here for six.”
Dick nodded. “Yeah, Andy told me that part. You didn’t hear anything? Hear from her?”
“No.”
“You don’t know where she could be?”
“Oh, Christ, you know that list is ten miles long.”
“I know,” Dick said. He rubbed his jaw. “That girl can’t get her mind right.”
“No shit,” I said. “And you think I’m the bad influence here.”
Dick looked at me and curled his lip. Ever since the stolen-car-stolen-watch incident, he sort of scaled back a little on riding my ass over everything. In some weird way, we got used to each other and helped each other out.
“Okay,” Dick said. “Listen to me, Evan. I’m going to keep looking. The department won’t help until after twenty-four hours. Plus, everyone knows who we’re dealing with here. But I can’t stand Beth just hanging around there, worrying. She kept saying she was going to go look for Anna. That would leave the other girl there alone.”
“Her name is Adena,” I said.
“Yeah, right.”
“Hey,” I snapped. I slammed my hands to the open window. “Don’t fucking make it sound like she doesn’t exist.”
Dick raised an eyebrow. “Right. Sure.”
“Hey, take it easy,” Andy said behind me.
I pushed away from the car. “I’m not taking it fucking easy.”
“Call me if you find anything out,” Dick yelled.
I threw the middle finger and started to walk toward my shitty, half broken down pickup truck. Sometimes Andy’s old man didn’t have enough money to pay me. So we worked out a deal where I got an old beater of a truck and worked on it using the shop at no charge.
“Where are you going?” Andy called to me.
I didn’t look back. I just yelled. “I’m going to check on Adena.”
I knocked on the screen door. Within two seconds the main door opened and there stood Adena. Through the screen and stupid looking metal design that covered the storm door I could see the worry on her face.
“Evan,” she said.
“Hey. Can I come in?”
“Yeah.”
I opened the door. Adena didn’t move back.
“She’s not here.”
“I know,” I said. “I just talked to the cops. Are you okay?”
“Me? What?”
“Adena, I came to check on you.”
Her cheeks flushed and she looked down. “I’m fine. Aunt Beth left about ten minutes ago. She asked me to stay here in case Anna comes back.”
“Shit,” I said. “I’m so sorry.”
Adena shrugged her shoulders. “It happens.”
I reached f
or her wrist. “Hey. Look at me.” She looked up at me. A stray tear fell from her eye. “Oh, fuck, Dena…”
I swallowed hard.
Damn, she was beautiful. She deserved more than this fucking town. Than the shit her sister did. Than everything she had been given so far in life.
I found the words in my heart and my mind hammered them away.
There were a few seconds of silence. It was my time to talk. To finally say something to Adena about all the stuff that had been going on.
“You’re bleeding,” Adena said.
I looked down and saw blood running down the back of my hand.
“Damn,” I said. “I busted it up working on an engine.”
“Here, come here,” Adena said.
She led the way and I followed her up the stairs.
She walked to the bathroom and pointed to the toilet. “Sit.”
“Why?”
“You need that cleaned out and bandaged.”
“Dena…”
“Listen to me,” she said. “Please. I need the distraction.”
“Fine.”
I put my right hand out. She took hold of it and turned on the water. The water washed away the blood and stung a little. She grabbed a towel and put it over my hand.
“Where did she go?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” Adena said. “Left last night for a party. Around nine.”
“I was home,” I said. “I didn’t hear anything.”
“Probably with some college guys. She always does that.” Adena looked at me. “I mean… sorry. I know you and her…”
“Stop,” I said. “There’s, uh, nothing…”
“This is going to sting,” Adena said.
She twisted off the cap to a bottle of peroxide and wasted no time pouring it on my knuckles. The pain shot through my hand and up my arm. It fizzled and bubbled white.