by Amy Piers
“I want to plant it,” I say, digging a hole and poking it in.
[I see you.]
I want to tell him that’s not how oaks work. I want to tell him that if you plant a hard, closed acorn in a garden bed and barely cover it with dirt, it absolutely won’t grow. But I fight the urge to correct him, and so does Alicia — in his own way, Dallas is telling us he’s ready to move on. He’s accepting Grey’s death, and finding healthy ways to remember.
“I want to make a garden,” he announces. “I want to call it Grey's Good Garden, because them all start with the letter G.”
Alicia and I smile at one another; our glance narrowly escaping Dallas’s periphery. Then, expertly, she comments without judgement, “What else would you like to put in Grey's Good Garden?”
Dallas thinks, with his finger on his chin. “Hmm… Flowers. And fish. Them start with F, and that’s one before G. Them are for remembering stuff that happened before Grey died.”
“By the time Zoe comes back to see us again, Grey's Good Garden will look amazing,” Alicia says. “I can’t wait to work on it with you.”
“Come for my birthday!” Dallas demands. That’s two months away.
“I’d love to,” I reply, before doing the rational things, like making sure that date works with everything else happening in my life. Then I see Dallas’s crazy hair and sweet face, and realize that his milestones trump anything else in my calendar. He hugs me spontaneously, with his skinny belly hanging out of his now, too-short, shirt. I swear he was wearing that exact t-shirt the day I arrived, and it fit perfectly.
It’s true what they say, “From little things, big things grow.”
#
At 4 pm Dallas starts training Cinnamon with Lynda, and I borrow Dr. Martinez’s car to drive to the nearest department store. Making a beeline to the little boys’ clothing, I stock up on camo cargo pants (the kind that zip off into shorts), gray hoodies, and black t-shirts emblazoned with dinosaurs, skulls, horses, and dogs. They’re sizes 5, 6, and 7—because who knows how big he’ll be at the end of February?
[I see red.]
When the long hand is on the twelve, and the short hand is on the five, Zoe comes to pick me up from dog training with Lynda. Cinnamon barks some happy barks when him sees Zoe, so I join in, too. Zoe tells me that barking is only for dogs, then tells me she’s taking me to Dr. Poopy’s for a session. I have decided that I am talking to him now. Sometimes I even call him Louise, even though that’s a girl’s name.
Zoe gets down and cuddles Cinnamon before Lynda takes him away to her house. Him will live there for most of the day until he’s trained enough to be my service dog. Zoe got tears in her eyes, and I wonder if her is sad about saying goodbye to the fluffy little dog.
“I’ll miss Cinnamon,” she says, which I suspected.
“It’s OK. You can see him on my birthday,” I tell, holding her hand. “What’s in all the bags?”
“I’ll show you in the soft room,” she tells. Then she wipes her face and has no more tears.
We get to the soft room and Dr. Louise isn’t there yet, so I grab the bags from Zoe and we spread the stuff all over the floor. There are so many cool clothes here, and Zoe said them are for me! Dr. Poop opens the door.
“Wow! What’s all this?” he says.
[I see you.]
“I noticed Dallas was getting too big for the clothes he brought from home,” I explain, “So I got him some things to grow into.”
Dallas looks at each item with wide eyes, examining the different designs on the shirts. He hugs me spontaneously and whispers in my ear, “Thank you Zozo.”
“Dallas has grown quite a bit lately,” Dr. Martinez announces. “We’ve been able to talk about Grey almost every day this week. His sticker chart is getting full, too.”
I gesture to Dallas, “Can you tell Dr. Martinez about Grey's Good Garden?”
Dallas shakes his head and looks down. It’s all a bit too much for him—growth is uncomfortable for someone accustomed to being stunted.
“Maybe you’ll tell me next time,” Dr. Martinez smiles.
#
[I see red.]
The long hand is on the eleven and the short hand is very close to the seven. Zoe has read two and a half books, and Matthew comes back tomorrow. My eyes are closing, and I am trying with all my muscles just to stay awake. Tomorrow, Zoe will be gone.
“I love you, Dallas,” she whispers. “I love you exactly as you are, no matter what.”
She kisses me on the head, and I fall fast asleep.
[I see you.]
At seven thirty I pull the blankets over Dallas and pat his hair for the last time. I tell myself he’ll never be like this ever again, for better or worse, but mostly better. I punch the code in the door, avoiding the supposed knife alarm. Pete sees me out, and thanks me for my help.
Dr. Martinez catches me in the hallway, with a professional handshake, and kind smile.
“Thank you, Zoe. Honestly, without your visit, we could never have achieved this much with Dallas. We’re really looking forward to having you back at the end of February.”
I think about the thousand things I could say back to him, and settle with a smile. We part ways, and Alicia helps me to the car before driving me to the airport. The hour from Lovell to Cody is slow, with minutes passing in silence.
“When,” I croak, and clear my throat, “When Dallas loses his next tooth, can you be the tooth fairy?”
“I don’t work nights,” Alicia replies, “But I’ll work something out with Pete.”
We sit in awkward, tense, silence.
“Can you tell me when his shoes wear out?” I add. “I’ll get him some new ones. I just don’t want him wearing the clothes the big boys pass down to him. I don’t like the idea of Dallas walking in their shoes.”
“Sure,” Alicia smiles from the driver’s seat. I see the airport on the horizon, and suddenly my anxieties about leaving Dallas rise to the surface.
“Can you start modeling correct pronouns and past tense? I’m worried about his speech regressing. He’s capable—” I ramble, and Alicia stops me.
“Zoe, I can see it’s hard for you to leave him behind. It’s hard for you to trust me with him—and I can’t promise I’ll raise him perfectly for the next year—but I’ll do my best. Luis will be there to advise. We have the treatment plan, and we have you as our best resource.”
I feel kind of embarrassed about not trusting Alicia, but she’s hit the nail on the head. I need to cut the cord; Dallas is now in her capable hands. It really does take a village to raise a child. The car slows, then stops by my ticketed airline.
“Thank you for everything,” I sniff, as tears fall down my cheek.
“You’re brave, Zoe. Thank you for coming to Starlight,” she says, while I wonder if that’s a marketing phrase used by Starlight House, or just an honest sentiment. I watch the taillights disappear in the darkness as she drives away, then wheel my suitcase to the kiosk.
In just a few hours I’ll be in Ezra’s arms, and I seriously can’t wait to see him.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Home is Where You Make It
[I see you.]
I stumble deliriously through the San Francisco airport arrivals just after 5 am, to find Ezra waiting with coffee and a smile. I’ve gotta believe it’s love if he would wake up this early for me. His face is sunlight on this pitch black winter morning, and he’s even more handsome than I remembered. He takes me home like a gentleman and comes back to see me after work.
I sleep the day away, feeling the empty space left by Cinnamon.
[I see red.]
When I wake up, there’s no Zoe in my bed. I knew her would be gone, but I (a little bit) hoped she’d fall asleep and miss her plane. I want to be brave, but I cry instead. Alicia opens the door, so I pretend I’m sleeping—she says nothing, her just sits with me. When I’m ready, I open my eyes.
“Want to wear one of your new outfits today?” she asks.
>
I run to the drawers and look at all the cool new things that Zoe left me. Them look exactly like my old clothes, except newer and bigger. I choose the shirt which has a dog on it, because him looks like a wolf, and wolfs are cool. Wearing Zoe clothes makes me feel like her is still here. I look at the yoga dog calendar and count some numbers.
Fifty-six days until I’m seven and Zoe comes back.
#
[I see you.]
I’ve been home a week now, and can’t begin to explain how light I feel without the Dallas-monkey on my back. The medication, the night terrors, the giant rock of unforgiveness lodged in my heart—they all seem like a distant memory. I can finally think about Dallas without feeling sick, remembering the acorn in the ground, instead of the boy in the sky.
#
[I see red.]
Alicia helps me press buttons on the computer so we’ll connect with Zoe. I see her face first, then hear her voice.
“Hey, Buddy!” she says through the screen.
“Twenty days until my birthday,” I remind her.
“Yeah! You know what else is coming up?” Zoe asks. I shake my head, then she says, “Valentine’s Day!”
“Eww. You’re just going to kiss your boyfriend all day long!” I say, then pretend to vomit.
“Actually, I was going to tell you to look out for a special Valentine’s package in the mail. I sent it yesterday, and I know you’re not crazy about surprises,” she smiles, and now I’m so excited wondering what it is. “Anyway, how’s the garden coming along?”
“It’s good,” I say. “Alicia is helping me, and we ordered some flowers from the internet. They will get here tomorrow, so that’s when we start planting. I was going to make the flowers gray, but then I thought that might be an ugly garden.”
She laughs, “Yeah, maybe Grey would have wanted something brighter.”
“We got blue and orange ones, because blue was his favorite color and orange was the color of his fish stuffy that he cuddled at night,” I explain.
“I remember you telling me about the fish when we went on the underwater ride. Do you remember that?” she asks. My face feels hot. I don’t like remembering that day because I wasn’t the boss of my own body. I do remember the underwater ride, and I also remember the log ride. I feel a knot in my tummy about the Discovery Country day, so I don’t answer with words, I just nod my head.
[I see you.]
“Is Alicia there?” I ask, adjusting the camera on top of my computer.
“She’s right here,” Dallas says, as Alicia slides into view.
“Hey Buddy, are you all done talking?” I check. He nods his head. Alicia prompts him to say goodbye, then directs him two doors down to Dr. Martinez’s room for a session. I see her stand at the door and wait for him to go safely inside. She makes a thumbs up sign, to Luis I assume, then she sits in front of the computer to continue our video call.
“Hey,” Alicia says. “Thanks for calling. Even though he didn’t say much, he’s been looking forward to this all week.”
“How’s Cinnamon’s training?” I inquire.
“Dallas has been really committed, and Cinnamon is a really fast learner because he’s so young. Lynda said he should be able to come live with Dallas in June. Usually, it takes longer, but since Dallas’s needs are different than, say, a child with diabetes, there are less specific things for Cinnamon to learn,” she explains. I’m glad to hear it.
“Dallas looks bigger,” I observe.
“He’s growing like a mushroom,” she agrees. “He’s put on five pounds, grown an inch, and we’ve had to donate all his size four clothes. We’re so grateful you got him the bigger sizes, he’s in fives and sixes right now, depending on the day.”
“What about his shoes?” I ask.
“They’re getting snug,” she admits, clearly too embarrassed to ask for more items. I thought as much.
“How many teeth has he lost? Looked like a few,” I note.
“Four! You saw him with the bottom ones out—the adult teeth are coming in now. The top two became loose the week you left,” Alicia reports. “Pete has been on tooth fairy duty—the part where he takes the teeth and replaces them with money. I’ve been writing notes for him to leave under the pillow.”
I smile, “Thank you. I’ve gotta be honest, you’re doing an amazing job with him. His speech has developed leaps and bounds in just a few weeks. Things seem to be really happening for him right now.”
“It takes a village, Zoe,” Alicia deflects the praise. “You’re a vital part of that village.”
I don’t know what to say, so we make small talk before creating excuses to part ways.
#
[I see red.]
Today is Valentine’s Day. I used to think it was called Valentime's Day, but that’s actually not how the word is said. When Alicia comes to the door, she’s holding a package from Zoe which is covered in love hearts. I rip it open, and first, there’s a card. I don’t need Alicia to read it, because I know how to read now.
“Der…” I try.
“Dear…” Alicia helps.
“Dear Dallas, Happy V-Valentime...Oops! ValentiNe’s Day. Love Zoe. XXX,” I read. “What do the X’s mean?”
“They’re kisses!” she says, and I poke my tongue out, pretending to vomit. I see the present, and it’s a box, too. I rip open the paper, then open the box to see the best pair of shoes I have ever seen! Green boots with a white circle and blue star. I take off my tiny, old, stinky shoes and undo the zip at the back of the new boots. I don’t even need to do the laces on these ones! I slide my foot in, and there’s extra room for my toes to wiggle around. I zip them up, up, up and they are the perfect shoes for me.
#
[I see you.]
On Valentine’s Day, I start work at 6 am, like any given Tuesday. I think about Dallas opening his gift, and I’m thankful that I can still love him practically, albeit from afar. Ezra and I have plans to go out for dinner, so I am surprised when I see him knocking on the door of the coffee house at 6:58 am—two minutes before it opens.
“Hey babe,” I say, “What are you doing here so early?”
“I didn’t want to wait until after work to see you,” he smiles, and kisses me. “OK, I got what I came for. You can go back to work now.”
Ezra disappears as fast as he arrived, and in my early morning daze, I wonder if he was really ever there at all. Happy Valentine’s Day, indeed.
[I see red.]
Today is the last Tuesday that I will ever be six. This day in one week (that’s the next line on the calendar) will be my seventh birthday. Zoe is bringing her stupid boyfriend, but I told her to do that, so it’s actually fine with me, I just don’t know if I will like him or not. If he brings me a present, I might like him if the present is cool enough. If it’s a bad present, like toilet paper or something, I will tell Zoe to break up with him. Alicia and I are calling her now.
“Did you ever meet her boyfriend?” I ask Alicia.
“No, I have been here with you the whole time! Do you think I flew out to California to meet him while you were in bed?” she says, tickling me.
“Stop!” I yell, but I like it. I’m laughing, then she stops, and I say, “I don’t know what you do while I’m in bed!”
“I go home and sleep,” she laughs. “I don’t have a life outside of here. You’re my life.”
The computer makes dialing noises; then we see Zoe and a guy with a beard on the screen.
“Hey!” she says. “Dallas, meet Ezra.”
[I see you.]
Dallas disappears under the table, and I see Alicia become flustered trying to usher him back to the computer.
“Sorry,” she whispers. “He was just telling me he was nervous about meeting Ezra. Is it OK if we call you back in a few minutes?”
“Sure,” I say, and we disconnect.
Ezra looks awkward. I knew he was excited to meet Dallas, so he’s probably a little disappointed. It’s hard to understand why
kids act the way they do, unless you’ve been around them enough.
“It’s not you,” I tell him. “Dallas doesn’t do well with men in general. He’s only ever had really shitty male role models, so it’s a process.”
“Isn’t his therapist a man?” Ezra wonders.
“Yeah,” I agree. “It took him seven weeks to actually speak to him. The house parent for his room is a guy, too. At first, Dallas decided not to need anything, so he wouldn’t have to talk to Pete. Almost four months later they’re pals. They have to prove they’re safe, and not leaving; it just takes a while.”
We sit in silence, as Ezra taps on the table. I can see he’s a bit offended. After a couple of long, awkward minutes, Alicia and Dallas return our call. Dallas is sitting on Alicia’s lap, and she’s holding his arms. She whispers something in his ear to prompt conversation.
“Hi,” he says. “Hi, Ezra.”
“Hey, Dallas! Great to meet you,” Ezra replies with a beaming smile. Alicia whispers something in Dallas’s ear.
“Do you have a dog?” he says.
Ezra giggles, “No, I don’t have a dog, but I know you do. Me and Cinnamon are great friends.”
Dallas puts his hands on his hips and squints his eyes, “How do you know my dog?”
“Zoe and I took very good care of him for a while,” he responds. Alicia whispers in Dallas’s ear, then he shakes his head, appearing to reject the words she’s feeding him.
“Thank you,” he mumbles, before whispering to Alicia. We can hear him say, “I didn’t want him to know my dog before he knows me.”
Alicia whispers in his ear, then Dallas says in a robotic tone, “Thank you for calling, OK BYE.”
He disappears from the frame, and we watch Alicia send him to Dr. Martinez. She comes back to the computer.