Infinite Loop

by Meghan O'Brien

  Mel fought to maintain a placid expression even as her heart was breaking. How many times had she watched as their father made him feel like he was good for nothing? And now he believed it. She leaned over and touched Mike’s knee, weighing her response. The last thing he needed was her anger. “School isn’t for everyone, I guess. So what are you doing now?”

  “I dunno,” Mike said. “Different things. I’m supposed to start helping a guy I know do some roofing. Sometimes I get work painting.” He shrugged again and looked up at Mel with a small smile. “How’s the cop business?”

  Mel’s shrug mirrored her brother’s. “Actually, I’m thinking of quitting, too.”

  “What?” He looked shocked. “Are you kidding me?”

  “No.”

  “Wow.” Mike shook his head, a dazed expression on his face. “I can’t believe it. That’s all you ever talked about when we were growing up.”

  “Yeah, well,” Mel said, and gave Regan a quick glance to find support shining in green eyes. “I realized that I’m not doing it for me. I hate it.”

  “I understand,” Mike said. After a moment of awkward silence he added, “I really am sorry about not calling. I missed talking to you.”

  She couldn’t let him think it was all his fault. “I could’ve called Dad before now to ask where you were living, so please don’t worry about it. Okay?”

  “You talked to him?”

  “For a few minutes.” And she was still paying for it.

  “Was he an asshole?”

  “Not so much,” Mel said. “He was Dad, you know, but he asked me to come and see him. He said he’s sick. He actually tried to be nice…for a moment.”

  She watched Mike’s jaw tighten. “What’s that like?”

  “Unpleasant,” Mel said. “To be honest. Even though I know it’s all bullshit, that he’s still the same guy…as much as I hate to admit it, I still find myself wishing—”

  “I know.” Mike shot Regan a self-conscious look. “I’m sure that’s why I still call him from time to time. Wishing.”

  Mel felt Regan’s hand land on her knee. Just like she’d predicted, the words came without struggle. “No reason for us not to be a family, though. You and me.”

  Mike closed his eyes and turned away, obviously fighting to keep control. His jaw muscles bunched and tensed as his breathing grew louder. Then, “No reason except that I’m the kind of fucking weakling who would call my sister a goddamn queer because I was scared to go against him. You were my hero. You always looked out for me. And I failed you.”

  Mel’s heartbeat stuttered for a moment, then continued on double-time. This was the first time they had ever spoken about that day. What could she say? “I understood that you were scared of him. I understand. I…hoped you didn’t really feel that way.” She lifted her eyes to her brother’s face. “I’m glad that you don’t.”

  “I’m sorry I never told you before.” Mike brought his hand to his face and covered his eyes, voice cracking. “I’m sorry for everything. I’ve hated myself since that day. I fucking hate myself for what I did to you.”

  Mel moved forward off the couch, kneeling on the floor in front of Mike. “I’m not mad at you,” she murmured, and laid a calming hand on his thigh. “I was never mad at you, Mikey.”

  “I hurt you,” Mike said. When he dropped his hands to his lap, Mel grabbed one and squeezed it tight. He tried to pull away, but she refused to let him go. “I know I hurt you. I saw it in your eyes even as I was doing it.”

  “I got hurt, Mike, but I was never mad at you. You were just a little kid, and honestly, I felt bad leaving you behind.”

  “How can you think like that?” Mike said in a hoarse voice. “After the way I failed to protect you like you used to protect me. I can’t believe you’re even wasting your time with me.”

  “Wasting my—” Mel rose up onto her knees, reaching out to put a hand on Mike’s slumped shoulder. “You’re not a waste of time. I’m so happy about the idea of being closer with you.” She gave his shoulder a firm squeeze. “You’re my brother.”

  Mike dissolved into silent, racking sobs. He folded his arms over his stomach, leaning forward on the couch. Mel grabbed him in her arms and held him tight against her body.

  “I’m sorry.” Mike stayed tense in her arms. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

  “I forgive you,” Mel whispered into his ear. “Now I want you to forgive yourself.”

  Mike’s arms came up to cradle her then, holding her close. Mel’s world stilled for a moment before resuming its forward motion. She had a family again. It took some time before they pulled apart. Mike drew back first, swiping at red-rimmed eyes with his hand.

  Casting an embarrassed look over Mel’s shoulder, he said, “I apologize. I swear I’m not usually like this.”

  Regan shook her head, one hand pressed to her lips. Her eyes were shining.

  Mel touched Mike’s stubbled cheek, drawing his attention back to her. “Mikey. All of this bullshit—thinking you’re nothing, hating yourself—you know that’s all Dad, right? That’s what he was always telling us. You’ve got to let it go and make your own path.”

  Mike gave her a sad smile. “He is sick, you know.”

  “Dad?” Mel returned to Regan’s side on the sofa. A warm hand found the small of her back.

  “Yeah,” Mike said. “I actually called him a few weeks ago. Don’t know why, ’cause it sucked. But he told me he’s sick. His liver, he just found out.”

  “What a surprise,” Mel muttered. “It’s serious?”

  “The doctor told him to stop drinking or it’ll kill him.” Mike snorted in disgust. “The day that bastard gives up booze is the day I start training for the priesthood.”

  “I guess he’s not listening to his doctors,” she said. “He was slurring his words when I spoke to him this afternoon.”

  “No. He’s still drinking, as far as I can tell.” Her brother clenched his fists in his lap, his eyes flashing with anger. “He told me you’d take care of him. How glad he was that Laney had turned out so well, because he couldn’t count on a loser like me to help him when he’s sick.”

  Mel huffed in disbelief. Regan began rubbing small circles over the tense muscles of her lower back, soothing her with startling ease. “I turned out well? Now that’s a shock, coming from him.”

  “Better than me,” Mike said.

  “That’s what I mean!” Mel exploded. “Right there, that’s Dad talking and you know it. Don’t do that to yourself.”

  Mike turned away with a scowl. “It’s true, though. I’m fucking up.” He shot Regan an uncomfortable look, an apologetic smile. “I just don’t know how to be better than I am.”

  Their handful of phone conversations had never come close to revealing the depth of Mike’s insecurities. There was so much to say, but she wasn’t sure she knew how to ease his pain. But she would try.

  “Listen to me. You’re not the only one who feels fucked-up because of him. Doubting yourself, thinking you’re not good enough, that you’re only going to disappoint people. Until I met Regan, I—” Mel reached over and wrapped her arm around Regan’s waist, pulling her close. “So it affects us, Mikey, but we need to forgive ourselves that. I spent so much time hating myself for letting him get to me, and for still wanting his approval, that I never let myself move past it. There’s no shame in being affected, but we’ve got to start living for ourselves now.”

  “That’s why you’re quitting?” Mike asked. “Being a cop, I mean?”

  “I guess so, yeah,” Mel said. “Making my own decisions for once. I just want to be happy.”

  “What do you think you’ll do?”

  Mel started to give him an embarrassed shrug, but Regan was quick to answer. “I suggested that she look into graphic design and digital art. Mel told me she likes to draw.”

  Mike’s eyes lit up. “You still draw?”

  “Sometimes,” Mel muttered. Her cheeks burned red. “Not lately, but—”

 
; “Have you seen any of her work yet?” Mike interrupted, shooting Regan an enthusiastic grin.

  “No.” Regan glanced at Mel with an upraised eyebrow. “Not yet.”

  “Oh, man, you know that’d be perfect for you,” Mike said. Nodding to Regan, he added, “She’s awesome. She used to bribe me when I was a kid and refused to go to bed by telling me that she’d draw a picture for me to have when I woke up.”

  “Oldest babysitting trick in the book,” Mel said, offering her little brother a smile.

  “For real, though,” Mike continued. “She could draw anything. Some of her pictures were like whole stories in themselves—”

  “Jesus, Mike,” Mel interrupted with a nervous chuckle. “Try not to talk me up too much. I’d hate to disappoint.”

  “I doubt that’ll be a problem,” Regan said.

  “So, do you want to go out and get some lunch or something?” Mel asked. Regan snickered, she presumed at her obvious attempt to divert attention away from the subject of her art, and Mel wrinkled a playful nose at her lover.

  “Oh.” Mike offered them an embarrassed smile. “Actually, I’m supposed to be waiting for the guy from the cable company. Dani asked me to. You know, because she works and, uh—”

  And he doesn’t. “That’s cool,” Mel said. “Want to order a pizza or something? I mean, if you don’t mind the company.”

  Mike leaned forward on the couch, hands on his knees. He gave her a wide, excited grin. “No! No, I don’t mind at all. I’d love it if you guys could hang out for a little while.”

  “Hey, Mike?” Regan asked. “Is that your Playstation 2?” She pointed over to a black object near the television, an innocent smile on her face.

  Mike beamed at her. “My prized possession. Are you a gamer?”

  “Am I a gamer?” Regan scoffed. “Pick a game and I’ll show you.”

  Mel chuckled at Regan’s bravado. In this, the woman wasn’t shy. “Be careful, Mike. As far as I can tell, she’s pretty much great at everything she does.” A quick leer at Regan left both her lover and her brother blushing.

  “Uh,” Mike fumbled. “Even Tony Hawk?”

  Regan managed a cocky grin. “Especially Tony Hawk. Bring it on.”

  “This should be good,” Mel said, and rubbed her hands together with a grin.

  “You’re gonna root for me, right?” Regan asked.

  “Hey, I’m blood,” Mike protested. “You can’t boo me or anything.”

  Mel shook her head. “For the record, I’ll be an impartial observer. No booing or cheering, just observing events as they unfold.”

  “Cop out,” Regan muttered beside her.

  “For sure,” Mike agreed.

  Mel grinned at the teasing, feeling at once overwhelmingly loved. This was how family should feel.

  *

  Mel stood at the apartment door with her brother while Regan made a last-minute trip to the bathroom. They would be leaving in a couple minutes, and she felt an opportunity slipping away.

  When would she have another chance like this? Mel bit the bullet. “You ever think of leaving Lawton?”

  Mike folded his arms over his chest and leaned on his shoulder against the door. “And go where?”

  “Anywhere,” she said with a shrug. “You could come to Michigan.”

  Mike shook his head. “I don’t know about that, Laney.”

  Mel didn’t bother to correct him. Laney it is. “You said you don’t know how to be any better than you are, right?” At his reluctant nod, she said, “Maybe you need to get out of here, kiddo. Start fresh. And you know, I’d love to have you in my life again.”

  “Start fresh? Doing what?”

  “Doing whatever. What are you doing here?”

  Mike shrugged. “Nothing, but—”

  “You said the girl, Dani, that’s not serious, right?”

  “No, it’s not serious, it’s just—” Mike looked her in the eyes. “I guess I just don’t see the point of being a loser in Michigan when I can stay here in Lawton and at least be a loser with friends.”

  “You don’t have to be a loser, Mike. It’s your life, your decision.” She so wanted him to yearn for something more than this. “Leaving Lawton was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m not sure I would have ever been able to find my own way if I’d stayed here and lived in his shadow.”

  Mike was careful to avoid her eyes. He didn’t respond, just shuffled his feet.

  “These are the drinking buddies?” she finally asked. “Your friends?”

  Mike met her gaze with a defensive scowl. “They’re all right. We have a good time.”

  She knew she couldn’t tell him to live his own life in one breath and dictate his future in the next. Sighing, she let it go. “It’s cool, Mike. You’re an adult. I trust you to make the right decisions. I just want you to know that if you ever need a change, well—”

  “Thanks, sis.” Mike darted his eyes down the hall when the toilet flushed. “Speaking of right decisions, I hope you’re planning on doing everything you can to keep Regan. She’s awesome.”

  Mel couldn’t suppress her grin as she basked in the glow her brother’s approval. “I know she is. And I have no intention of letting her go.”

  “Even if the victory dance was a little obnoxious,” Mike added with a laugh.

  “You’re just a sore loser.”

  “Is he?” Regan asked as she emerged from the bathroom. “Didn’t like the victory dance?”

  Mike snorted laughter. “No, no. That was fine. I’m just not used to seeing that kind of display. I usually win, and I’ve never really felt the urge to dance about it.”

  Regan raised her eyebrows in disbelief. “You should try it sometime. That’s one of the best parts.” Then she extended her hand. “Really, though, it was very nice meeting you and playing with you. It was fun.”

  “Yeah.” Mike took her hand and pulled her into a quick hug. “It was.”

  “Looking forward to a rematch,” Regan said. Her cheeks flushed pink as she stepped back from their embrace.

  Mike relaxed into a cocky, too-wide grin at that. “I’ll practice my victory dance.”

  “Do that.”

  He turned to Mel and pulled her into a bear hug. “Thank you for stopping by, sis. It was really cool to see you again.”

  “It was cool to see you, too,” Mel murmured into his neck. She brought her lips to his ear and whispered, “Remember what I said, okay? Please?”

  “I’ll remember.” He stepped to the door. “I’m going to get a cell phone in a couple weeks and I promise I’ll call you and give you the number, okay?”

  “You’d better,” Mel said.

  He let them into the hallway, but leaned against the doorway as Regan began to walk down the hall. “Hey, sis?”

  “Yeah?” Mel asked, turning around to smile at her brother.

  “Thanks again for coming to see me.” He looked like he wanted to say something else. She waited for it, and he cleared his throat and added, “Love you.”

  Mel felt her throat catch, and she held the inside of her lower lip between her teeth to stop her own eyes from tearing. After a breathless moment, she responded, “I love you, too, Mikey.”

  Mel wore a smile all the way down the dingy, red-carpeted steps. When they reached the bottom, she turned to a silent Regan and said, “Even though he didn’t appreciate the victory dance, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”

  Regan hopped forward to hold the door open for Mel with a cheerful grin. Happiness shone in her eyes, both echoing and enhancing Mel’s joy. “I’ll have you know that the patented Regan victory dance is an important part of any trouncing. The fact that you think it’s cute is mere icing on the cake.”

  Mel laughed and grabbed Regan’s hand as they emerged into the parking lot. The sun shone down upon her face, and she smiled up at the sky as she led them to the truck.

  “Feeling better now?” Regan asked.

  Mel gave a r
elieved nod. “Yeah. Thank you.”

  “Hey, I didn’t do it.” Regan dug her keys out of her pocket and dangled them in front of Mel. “You want to drive or should I?”

  “I’ll drive.” Mel snatched the keys out of Regan’s hand. She waited until Regan was settled in the passenger seat before reaching out and taking her lover’s hand. “Regan?”

  Tender green eyes stared back up at her and stole her breath. “Yeah, baby?”

  “I mean it, thank you. You say you didn’t do it, but you did. Being here for me, during all of this, you make me feel strong. You make me feel like I can do anything.”

  Regan squeezed her hand. “I’m just glad I can be here for you. Making you happy matters so much.”

  Despite all her peace at seeing Mike again, a feeling of quiet anxiety tugged at Mel’s belly. One niggling detail wouldn’t let go of her brain. Even though she didn’t want to admit it, she knew what she had to do. And though it scared her to death, she found courage when she looked into Regan’s eyes.

  “I think I need to go see my father,” Mel said. She concentrated on keeping her voice steady; she was unwilling to let the very idea of him make it falter. “It occurred to me when I was telling Mike to forgive himself for everything and to take control of his own life, well, I was being a hypocrite.”

  “What are you talking about?” Regan asked. “You’ve been amazing. You’ve really started to talk to me, to trust people, and you’re doing brave things, Mel, and—”

  Mel leaned over and kissed Regan’s still moving lips, quieting her and thanking her for the impassioned defense in the same action. When she pulled back, Regan wore a crooked smile.

  Mel looked at her with serious eyes. “Yesterday, talking to my dad for ten minutes got me so upset that I ended up making a complete ass out of myself in front of you. I ended up hurting you.” God, it was embarrassing. “That’s not exactly letting go of my past and moving on. And I want to do that. But I think, to do that, I need to do this.”

  “I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Regan whispered. Worried green eyes searched Mel’s face.

  “Neither do I. But I think that right now I need to be really brave,” she said. She put her hands on the steering wheel. “I need to see him as an adult. I need to face him as someone who doesn’t need him anymore. So I can start over.” Lowering her eyes, she murmured, “With you.”