Headstrong

by Meg Maguire

  “Is that the best thing you’ve come up with to find fault with? My living arrangements? I must be losing my touch.”

  Abby cut in. “Libby, please don’t. That’s really not why we came here.”

  Libby turned to her father. “So why did you come here, exactly?”

  “To see you, obviously.”

  And to check in with the man you hired to follow her.

  “Are you serious about pursuing your PhD?” her father asked.

  “Honestly?” Libby abandoned her mangled bread and shook her head. “No. Not really.”

  “Life’s not one big vacation, Libby. You’re squandering your potential here. And your inheritance.”

  Colin frowned, wanting to know exactly what “here” meant.

  “At some point you need to grow up and take responsibility for where you’re headed.”

  “I am, Dad, thanks. It’s just not the destination you had in mind. I thought you’d be glad we’re meeting at restaurant and not a holding cell.”

  “Libby,” Abby said.

  “I thought you’d be pleased to be tipping a server instead of a government minister for a change.”

  Colin was impressed by her balls. Her father was staring her down now, so cold he made Reece’s chilliest mood seem like a tropical breeze.

  “But I’ll have you know I’ve been a perfect angel since I landed here,” Libby said. “And if you’re having me followed again, you’ll already know that.” She smiled sweetly across the table as the waitress arrived with the starters.

  Her father took a drink and looked away. “You’re behaving like a child. You’re twenty-eight, Libby. Act it.”

  She sneered. “My deepest apologies, Father. But let’s call it twenty-six. I don’t count the two years I spent locked up and on lithium, watching soap operas with the other underaged, overprivileged nutjobs.”

  Her father met her eyes again.

  “Don’t worry, Dad, the straightjackets were six-hundred thread count.”

  Colin nudged her knee beseechingly with his.

  Mr. Prentiss swallowed, fists flanking his bread plate.

  Libby smiled. “What’s wrong, Dad?”

  “You are,” he said.

  Colin gritted his teeth to keep from interrupting.

  “You’re wasting your life and you’re hurting this family. You’re an embarrassment.”

  Judging from Libby’s expression, her father might as well have slapped her across the face. Colin dropped his fork onto his plate and stared hard into those cold eyes. “Watch it,” he said in a deadly, even tone.

  “This is between myself and my daughter.”

  “You talk to her like that in front of me and it’s between us.”

  Tom Prentiss sighed and his pitying expression brought Colin’s blood to a boil.

  “You clearly don’t know my daughter.”

  Every heartbreaking second he’d spent lying on that pool table with Libby flashed through Colin’s mind. He shoved his chair back loudly and stood. Several patrons turned to stare.

  “Colin.” Libby’s eyes were round.

  Abby was gaping, soupspoon frozen between her bowl and her lips.

  Colin took a step and put a hand on Tom Prentiss’s shoulder, speaking calmly. “Come outside with me for a minute. For a quiet chat. One minute, then I’m out of your life.”

  Prentiss set his napkin on the table, face unreadable. He rose and followed Colin through the restaurant. When they stepped out onto the sidewalk, Colin turned on him.

  “Just where in the fuck do you get off talking to her like that? Libby’s your daughter. And I do know her. I know she’s brilliant and beautiful and good. Better than you, with your bloody heartless attitude and your embarrassed, entitled, bullshit pity.” He took a breath. “If you were a fraction as smart as she is, you’d get that. You’d treat her with respect and love, instead of like an inconvenience.”

  “You should go,” her father said coldly.

  “Yeah, I should.” He took half a step before changing his mind. “Actually, I’m not done. I know you don’t give a shit what a fuck-up like me thinks about you, but I know what you put her through, and I hope to God it’s eating you alive inside.”

  He glanced to the restaurant’s window and saw the hostess watching with a phone in her hand, poised to call the cops. Libby was standing just outside the door, eyes huge, face white.

  Colin faltered then pulled out his wallet and shoved a couple bills into Tom Prentiss’s breast pocket. “Enjoy your meal. Tell your other daughter is was a pleasure to meet her.”

  Libby snapped into coherence as Colin walked away. She met her dad’s stony eyes for a long moment, and shrugged. “Have a nice flight.”

  She caught up with Colin as he was unlocking his bike around the corner. “Hey.”

  He glanced at her, looking fearful. “I’m really sorry about that.”

  “God, don’t be.”

  He straightened, pocketing his U-lock. “I’m pretty sure I just sentenced you to few more years of paternal paranoia.” He shook his head. “I’m really sorry. I just… Shit, Libby. Your father is a such a dick.”

  Libby laughed, nodding. She glanced back at the restaurant.

  “Do you need to say goodbye to your sister?”

  “Not this way. Not with my dad around. I owe her a proper talk, when she’s not stuck in peacekeeper mode… I’ll call her tomorrow, after the dust has settled.”

  Colin started walking his bike up the street, and she joined him.

  He sighed. “I thought you were just exaggerating, about your dad.”

  “’Fraid not.”

  “I can’t believe he spoke to you like that.”

  “He speaks to everyone like that, to varying degrees. Even when he’s being nice, it’s backhanded. When I was growing up he’d turn to my mom at dinner and say something like, ‘Very good pot roast tonight, Diane. Next time just take it out a few minutes sooner.’”

  “Shit. My dad always said stuff like, ‘Holy hell, Marjie, this dinner looks almost half as sweet as your backside!’ Then he’d slap her on the arse.”

  Libby laughed.

  “It used to embarrass me, but I miss it, now,” he said.

  “I’m sure. Your dad sounds like he was quite a guy.”

  Colin nodded. “I wish he could have met you. He’d have thought you were great. Reece was the only one who really ever had a problem with him. Well, him and the creditors. He and Reece were talking—you know, civil—before he died, but they had some real rough patches.”

  “Can I ask why?”

  Colin shrugged. “Just didn’t see eye to eye.”

  “Sounds familiar.”

  “They butted heads a lot about Reece and martial arts, when he was getting serious with it. Reece pushes himself really hard at things, and when he doesn’t feel like he’s doing his best, he can be hell to live with.”

  “I could see that.” They turned onto Waterloo Quay, the start of the hike back to Kaiwharawhara.

  “I think my dad wondered why Reece even stuck with it, you know, since sometimes he made himself so miserable. And I’m sure Reece wished my dad took things more seriously. He was a charmer but he wasn’t the most responsible bloke ever. Reece is more bitter about being back that he lets on, I’m sure. He reckons my dad left us in the lurch. Which is true, frankly.”

  “You’re not bitter about it?”

  “I don’t love that I’m stuck working two jobs for the foreseeable future, trying to fix things. But my dad was always there for me when I fucked up.” Colin laughed.

  “What?”

  “You know what he said to me, the night he came to hospital after I tried to drown myself?”

  She shook her head.

  “He said, ‘Son, you ever put your mother through that again and I’ll kill you myself.’ And I don’t think he was kidding. But anyhow. I can’t undo what’s done with the business, so I’ll live with it. If I’ve gotten good at anything in the past few years
, it’s letting shit go.”

  “That’s got to be a handy skill.”

  “It is.” He stared at her pointedly.

  “I know what you’re thinking. But I’m not ready to forgive him.”

  “I don’t expect you to. Just remember it’s an option.”

  Libby fell silent. She didn’t want to think about her father anymore. She wanted to pretend this entire evening had never happened. Although oddly, it had changed something.

  She cleared her throat. “I’m glad you came tonight. Especially after what I said to you this morning.”

  “I’m not upset about that anymore. It would take a lot for me to stay mad at you. I’m more fond of you than you probably realize.”

  Libby frowned. “I know you like me. You’re my best friend.”

  “It’s more than that.”

  “I know you’re attracted to me.”

  Colin laughed. “I wish it was that simple.”

  “Well, infatuated.”

  He shook his head. “You made me pretty uncomfortable, tonight, so I’ll get you back for it now. I like you a lot. More than I want to.”

  Libby felt her cheeks heat. “Oh.”

  He cleared his throat. “I’m a wreck over you, Libby. I want you here, all the time.”

  She held her breath.

  “I want to fall asleep with you every night and wake up beside you every morning. I want you to stay. And I want to make you feel what Reece does. I want to make you feel for me how I feel for you. And I haven’t wanted that from a woman in years.”

  A tightening in Libby’s throat make her voice small and weak. “I thought you just wanted to…you know. Sex.”

  “I want a hell of a lot more than that, Libby.”

  She took a few deep breaths, trying to absorb this. “I’m sorry… I didn’t know. I wouldn’t have gone running to you over Reece if I had.”

  “I liked that you came running to me. I like being with you, even when you’re stomping all over my heart.”

  They were quiet for a long time as Libby absorbed these revelations. “So you like me, the way I like your brother.”

  “Yeah.”

  “So how come you’re not a huge mess about it, like I am?”

  “Well, sometimes I am. A lot, actually. But I’ve felt way worse things than unrequited love in the past few years. Plus, I still get you. You’re here, now. I’ll never make you feel the way I’d like you to, just like you couldn’t make Reece feel what you’d like. But I still like being near you. You’re a good mate. You’re a laugh. I’ll settle for that.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Everything can change in the blink of an eye. You have to enjoy what you have, and trust that the shit in life will be spaced out by good stuff. And you’re good. I’m glad you’re here, for what you are.”

  “What am I?” she asked.

  “You’re me.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. Like you said, I’m more your twin than your twin. And I definitely agree with that statement, now that I’ve met her. But I look at you, and I see myself. Reckless and impulsive and a bit obnoxious, a hair-thin veneer of toughness covering a big wobbly mess of fear and insecurity. Self-destructive and hard to love, sometimes.”

  Libby laughed, noting the long list of negatives. “Are there some good things you see?”

  “Sorry. I was thinking of myself, there. You’re—we’re—human, first and foremost. Good-hearted. A hell of a lot of fun. And I hope you’ll find you’re forgiving, some day.”

  “That’s not my strong suit.”

  “It’s not many people’s strong suit, I’d wager. And your dad does suck, I have to admit.”

  “Yeah.”

  “But don’t let it make you joyless and bitter. I was like that. I hated myself, for a long time. I thought I owed it to Amelia’s parents to hate myself even more than they ever could. And when they told me they forgave me, I thought, shit, if they can manage that, I need to stop fucking suffering and get on with my life.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Only one person died in that accident, and it wasn’t my job to roll over and give up. Nothing will ever make that horrible night better. But lots of things can make it worse.”

  Libby looked down at their matching shoes as they walked. “You know something?”

  “I know a few things.”

  “You’re a bigger man than your older brother. And I don’t just mean by two inches and thirty pounds.”

  Colin shrugged. “Bear in mind I’ve also fucked things up worse than him. I’ve got the benefit of shame and regret and humiliation on my side. I’ve been pretty thoroughly hated, and lived through it. That’ll grow you up, quick.”

  “And here I’d thought Reece was the wise, worldly one.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “No one’s ever stood up for me like that. Like you did back there.” Libby hooked a thumb over her shoulder in the direction they’d come from.

  “No? Well…they should.” He spoke quietly, seeming not entirely at home in her praise.

  She experienced Colin as a different man, then. Not just as a friend or as a man who looked at her sexually. As both. As a man who’d seen her at her least lovable and who valued her in spite of it. She felt genuinely accepted. For the first time in her memory.

  “Colin?” Libby halted and he followed suit.

  “Yeah?”

  “Can I try kissing you again?”

  He smirked to one side, suddenly shy. “I dunno.”

  “Okay.”

  “You know how I feel about you.”

  “Yeah. But when I was going through that, over Reece, you said it wasn’t so bad, even when things are one-sided.”

  “That’s fine for you, if you’re willing to take that chance. But I have kissed you, Libby, and the withdrawal’s an unholy bitch. No flipping way I’m going through that again. Don’t think I’m over it now, if I’m honest.”

  Libby started walking again. “I’m sorry.”

  “Probably won’t be able to play pool ever again without having some kind of violent relapse.”

  She laughed.

  “So, I won’t kiss you, Libby. I’ve decided to be happy with what I’ve got.”

  She toyed with a fray on the cuff of her jacket. “Why do I only like guys who are destined to break my heart?”

  “Well, there’s only been two, right? Two for two may be a hundred percent now, but how many guys could you have done the same to? A billion? You’re good for not leading men on, really. You’re better than they are. Reece and whoever the first bastard was, I mean.”

  “And here I thought I was such a brilliant cock-tease.”

  “Only to a point. I’m one of those billion idiots doomed to fall for you, but you…you don’t make any promises.”

  A bolt of sudden, clear emotion hit Libby like a nail driving into her heart. She stopped and buried her face in one hand, wrapping her other arm around her middle and succumbing to a body-racking sob.

  Colin rubbed a warm hand between her shoulder blades. “Hey, you okay?”

  “No,” she said in a small voice.

  “Will you be okay?”

  “Yeah,” she admitted. “Probably.”

  He steered her to sit on a concrete planter that ran along the sidewalk. “What’s up?”

  Libby wiped her sleeve under her dripping nose. “I’ve never been with a man who loved me,” she choked, in a voice she didn’t recognize as her own. Contemptuously vulnerable.

  “Reece cares about you, in his way. He respects you.”

  “I guess. I know he didn’t use me. He let me use him, actually… But it was still just a favor.” She sniffed loudly. “Is there really such a thing as making love? As opposed to just doing it or fucking or getting off?”

  “Sure there is.”

  “Honestly?” she asked.

  “Sure. I’ve done it.”

  “Is it better than regular sex?”

  “Oh, fuck yes.”

&nb
sp; Libby smiled at Colin’s certainty. “How so?”

  “Well, the mechanics are the same, but I don’t know.” He shrugged. “It’s the best. You’re with someone, and you can look at them or touch them or smell them, and you just can’t believe your luck, that they’re with you. But it’s still just as filthy, luckily.”

  “How long do you have to know somebody before you’re doing that, instead of just having sex?”

  “Hmm… I don’t know. As long as it takes to fall in love, I guess. Minutes? Years? You’ve got me stumped, there. But you know, you don’t have to be in love with somebody for the sex to be like that. Even if you’ve known them for one evening and you aren’t even sure what their last name is, that doesn’t mean you can’t have really thoughtful, wonderful sex. You just have to have the decency and heart to treat them well… But yeah, it feels different when you’re really, properly mad about somebody.”

  “I follow.”

  Colin glanced sideways at her, his cocked eyebrow illuminated by the streetlight. “Do you love Reece?”

  She thought about it a moment. “No. I don’t think so. Not love. Infatuation, maybe. He never let me get close enough to love him, I don’t think.”

  “Well, good on him.”

  “Yeah. He was really straightforward about everything we…we did. And I wanted it really badly. Because I’ve been missing out all this time, and he’s the first person I thought I could feel safe with. And maybe, like you said, because I knew it would never go anywhere. I mean, it’s not like I can even stay in New Zealand much longer.”

  Colin nodded then laughed again. “God, I can’t get over it.”

  “What, my virtual virginity?”

  “Yeah. Sorry I keep dwelling, but man… Shit, now I feel really pervy.”

  Libby scowled and stood, starting to walk again. “You men. Why does sex have to be such a big deal, anyway?”

  Colin grabbed his handlebars and followed. “Well, because sex is awesome. And we’re hardwired that way.”

  She groaned. “That old excuse.”

  “I won’t get myself into a debate about sexual programming with a biochemist, but cut us some slack. We don’t think about sex all the time just to be pigs.”

  “Well, you should all just keep it to yourselves.”

  “Some of us do,” Colin said quietly, sounding defensive. “Sorry about the ones who don’t. Do I make you feel uncomfortable, like that?”