With You Always

by Rena Olsen

  I looked at Bryce with wide eyes. “I can’t believe I just said that, but it really makes a lot of sense. You asked just the right questions to help me get there.”

  He shrugged. “I won’t pretend it wasn’t somewhat selfish. I’m interested in you and a little jealous of any guy who got to be with you in any way.”

  “Bryce,” I started, but he held up a hand.

  “Another thing that doesn’t make a lot of sense. I don’t have a right to be jealous of people you knew before you met me, but I’ve learned you can’t always control your feelings, nor should you.”

  I was continually impressed by this man. I’d never met another man so in touch with his emotions, let alone willing to talk about them. Impulsively, I leaned over and kissed him. He responded immediately, moving closer until there was no space between us.

  The heat increased, and soon he was lowering me to the carpet, and I was going willingly. Time ceased to exist. All that mattered was Bryce, and his lips, and his hands. I paid no attention to the hard floor beneath me, only the solid weight above me. I would have let it continue, except Bryce broke away, breathing hard. He didn’t move from where he was, but rested his forehead on mine, eyes closed. I willed my breathing to slow, my heartbeat to calm. Eventually, he kissed my forehead and moved away from me.

  “I’m sorry, Julia,” he said, scooting so there was a little space between us. “I lost control a little there.”

  “Don’t be sorry,” I said. “I wanted it, too.”

  “But it’s my job to hold your honor,” he said, looking away. “Ravaging you on the living room floor isn’t appropriate.”

  “But it’s kinda sexy,” I said, trying to joke with him.

  He looked at me, gaze dark. “I’m serious about this relationship, Julia. You’re not just some fun tumble.”

  “I know,” I said quietly. “I never believed you thought of me that way.”

  “You are worth more than what just happened.”

  My emotions were a jumble of contradictions. On the one hand, I was flattered that he thought so much of me, that he considered a future with me, that he held me in such high esteem. On the other, to me, what had just happened was exciting, and a step in our relationship. We hadn’t spoken of the physical side of things, and I didn’t know where he stood, considering his devotion to his church, but I was happy to go as far as he would let us. Apparently we’d already crossed that spot, if the tense lines of his body as he began cleaning up lunch were any indication.

  Bryce moved closer again. “I’m sorry,” he said, leaning over to plant a small kiss on my lips. “Just because I said we went too far doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy it. You are irresistible, but I have to resist you. At least for now.”

  I leaned against him, thinking about the last man I’d been with. Jake. What if he’d respected me the way Bryce did? I suddenly felt dirty, used, and I scooted away from Bryce.

  “Hey,” he said, reaching out to stop me from moving farther away. “What’s wrong?”

  “Do you . . . do you think less of me for not waiting, Bryce?” I blurted it out before I lost my nerve. I had to know now if this would be a deal breaker for him. I was falling for this man, and I couldn’t take it if down the road he decided he wasn’t interested in used goods.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean Jake,” I said. “We slept together. We lived together. All these things that you have been so careful to avoid out of respect.”

  Bryce pressed his lips together. “It seems like you’re talking about more than just sex.”

  A surprised laugh burst out of me at his bluntness, despite the seriousness of the conversation and the pounding of my heart. “Now this sounds like a therapy session, although I never made out with my last therapist.”

  “Julia.”

  I sighed. “Okay, O perceptive one, I guess you’re right. Jake was the love of my life . . . at least I thought he was, as I said before. He was spontaneous and adventurous and always kept me laughing. But even now I’m remembering ways that he showed me that I was far more invested than he was. He never came to pick me up unless it was on his way, and even then he’d sit outside and honk. It was just convenient for us to live together so we weren’t driving separately everywhere. Whenever we talked about our future, even after we were engaged, it was his plans. His dreams. Never ours, and definitely not mine.”

  Bryce’s arm had found its way around my shoulders again, and he rubbed slow circles into my upper arm with his thumb, encouraging me to continue. “Being with him became habit, I think. I can look back now and see everything that was wrong, but sometimes I still convince myself it was my fault, that if I’d done something more, been something more, he wouldn’t have cheated.” Bryce tensed, and I realized I hadn’t shared that tidbit yet, but he said nothing. I continued, “I’ve always secretly thought that if I was enough, he wouldn’t have left.” I turned to look at Bryce. “But if he hadn’t left, I probably would have stayed with him forever, and we wouldn’t be here.”

  “Now that’s a silver lining I can get behind,” Bryce said, leaning over and pressing his lips to my cheek. “God always has a plan, Julia,” he breathed into my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

  We sat like that for a while, close together, our souls contentedly intertwined. Finally, he straightened and turned to me, an excited look transforming his face.

  “So, do you want to go on an adventure?”

  * * *

  —

  The adventure, as it turned out, was looking at houses. “I decided it was time to invest,” Bryce said. “I hope you don’t mind tagging along. I’d love your input, though if you’d rather go home . . .”

  “No, no,” I said, schooling my face into a pleasant expression to mask my inward celebrating. “It’s fine! I really enjoy looking at houses, actually. Kate and I watch those house-hunting shows all the time.” He was bringing me house hunting and wanted my input. I didn’t need to be a mind reader to figure out what that meant. Was he already planning a house for us? If he saw me in his future, it would make sense for me to have a say, and I appreciated the gesture, especially if he had been planning this before we met.

  The houses we looked at were all in the Sheridan Heights neighborhood, same as the church. “Are you looking to see anything outside this neighborhood?” the Realtor asked.

  “No.” Bryce’s answer was firm. “I’d like to stay here. It’s close to my family and the schools are good.”

  The Realtor looked between the two of us with a knowing smile, but didn’t say anything. Though Bryce had introduced me as his girlfriend, she knew, as I did, that it was only a matter of time.

  That thought stopped me in the middle of my perusal of a walk-in closet. Was I really having these thoughts so soon? We’d only known each other a handful of weeks. Of course, it seemed much longer, but in reality, it was barely a blip. Were we still in the honeymoon phase? Would this feeling fade? And if it did, would it grow pale and translucent, like an old cotton shirt washed too many times? Or would it become comfortable, natural, like a well-worn pair of jeans?

  Relationships are not clothing, Julia, I scolded myself. Still, I hoped for the jeans.

  We had one house left to see, and Bryce was practically vibrating with excitement. “Something on your mind, Mr. Covington?” I teased.

  “Saved the best for last,” he said, and I immediately craned my neck to catch sight of the house. Everything we had seen today was lovely, expensive, and not really my style. They were nice, and Bryce had pointed out the merits of each one, but none of them felt like home. Now we were in a tree-lined neighborhood, where the oaks towered high enough to create a canopy of flickering shade over the pavement. Most of the houses here were set far back from the road, and guarded by tall iron gates. I wasn’t sure how I felt about being gated in, but it did lend an air of old-world charm to the area.r />
  The Realtor must have given Bryce the pass code for the gate, because he punched it in as if he already lived there. The gate slid open smoothly and he drove up the shaded drive. The house was set so far back from the street that I didn’t get my first look at it until we crested a small hill.

  It took my breath away.

  The old stone house stood tall and proud in front of a wide fountain, cheerfully bubbling in the sunshine, the water droplets catching the light and giving the entire scene a fairy-tale look. Bryce pulled up behind the Realtor’s car in the circular drive. He turned off the engine and looked at me. “Well?”

  “It’s gorgeous,” I breathed. “At least on the outside.” Though I couldn’t imagine the inside would disappoint, either. It was like a castle from one of my childhood storybooks. Rounded corners on either end that sprouted three floors tall reminded me of the turrets, and the towering double doors could just as well release a drawbridge to get over the moat.

  There was no moat, of course, and no drawbridge, but the inside was just as spectacular. A library filled the bottom portion of one of the rounded towers, and stretched back farther into the house. A window seat occupied the curved part of the wall, and I could already picture myself sitting on the plush cushions, reading for hours. Or sitting with a child in my lap, picking out our favorite picture books for afternoon story time. An office took up the other rounded side on the ground floor, with plenty of bookshelves and dark wood molding. I could see Bryce working here, even seeing clients here if he needed to. He fit here.

  At the back of the house, an enormous kitchen with white cupboards and high-tech appliances made me anxious about testing my mediocre cooking skills. Maybe if I had a kitchen like this I would be more motivated to learn to cook. I would love to learn to cook for Bryce. The kitchen led into a breakfast nook, situated next to French doors that led out onto a deck overlooking a lush green yard. There were a couple of trees that looked close enough to hang a hammock, and there was plenty of room for a sandbox or a playhouse. At the bottom of the deck was a patio with a fire pit, and around the side yard, I saw the edge of a pool.

  I could have wandered the house for hours, imagining, dreaming. There was a theater room in the basement, a smaller office off the large office on the ground floor, a dining room that could fit a table almost as large as the Reverend’s, a large living room and an upstairs parlor, and five bedrooms, the largest of which made me want to move in immediately.

  The whirlpool tub was something out of my dreams, and the double shower could send the water bill skyrocketing. The walk-in closet was as large as my bedroom in my apartment, possibly larger, and the main area of the bedroom was large enough to fit a king-sized bed with room to spare.

  A bed. To share with Bryce.

  I shook my head. I had to get those thoughts out of my head. This was Bryce’s house, or could be, if he chose to buy it, and while I had hopes for a future together, I had no claim to anything here. In fact, I didn’t have enough money to rent a guest room in the house for the night. Everything was so extravagant, and I wouldn’t know how to live in a place like this, as much as it would be a dream to do so.

  “What do you think?” Bryce’s voice startled me, and I jumped, eliciting an amused laugh from him.

  “It’s gorgeous, Bryce. I love every inch.” I paused. “It’s . . . it’s terribly expensive, isn’t it?”

  He frowned. “Money isn’t an issue.”

  Money isn’t an issue? That had never been my experience, and I had a hard time believing that it could be true. Real people didn’t live in houses like this. Except . . . Bryce could. Everything about him screamed that he would be right at home here. Maybe it was because he’d grown up in the beautiful mansion the Reverend and Nancy had, at least for some of his teen years. He was used to opulence.

  “You fit here,” I said.

  “And you?” Bryce asked, moving closer, taking my hands. “Could you see yourself here?”

  I didn’t meet his eyes. “I don’t know,” I said, trying to be honest. “I have never even set foot in a place like this, let alone imagined living someplace this fancy.” I looked up at him. “I mean, I always imagined living in Cinderella’s castle as a little girl, but I’m not sure that even lives up to this house.”

  Instead of being disappointed, Bryce threw his head back in a hearty laugh. “You’re comparing this house to Cinderella’s castle.”

  I nodded. “Except this house is better.”

  He laughed again. “If I fit here, why don’t you?”

  I shrugged and looked away.

  Bryce put a finger under my chin, raising my face so that I met his gaze. “You fit with me. If I fit here, so you do.”

  His gaze was hypnotic, and I almost believed him, almost believed that I could deserve to live in a place like this with a man like him. It was exactly what I wanted to hear, exactly what I craved, to belong here, with him, in his world. But that part of me, that damaged part that still believed the lies Jake had told me—the part that, in a small way, agreed that I wasn’t worthy of a life that included a house like this, that included a man like this—wondered if it all really was too good to be true.

  “Julia, I told you earlier that I was serious about this relationship. I know you feel it, too. Whatever house I buy, I want you to be in love with it, too. Not just because you think I fit, but because you think you could fit, too, if that’s where this relationship ends up going.” He paused. “I don’t think it’s a secret that I see it going in that direction. Otherwise I wouldn’t have brought you.”

  Even though I’d known it, hearing the words directly from him almost had me coming off the floor in excitement. At the same time, I felt grounded suddenly, like I wasn’t in this alone. Bryce was right here with me, feeling the things I was feeling, dreaming the dreams that had been filling my quiet moments lately.

  “You fit here,” I said slowly. “And if you fit here, so do I.” I echoed his sentiment from moments before, and joy filled his face. He leaned down to kiss me, not the passionate kisses of earlier, or the timid ones that followed. This kiss was a promise, a commitment, an understanding. And it was the most powerful kiss yet.

  She catches sight of her reflection in the mirrored wall. It was his idea to install mirrors that could be used from any vantage point. He was always vain like that, she realizes, though at the time she mistook it for confidence. The woman who stares back at her is a shadow of the woman she used to be, the woman she remembers as being vibrant and full of life, quick to laugh. The woman in the mirror now is too gaunt, her hair too processed, the bags beneath her lower lashes too purple. Only the eyes remain the same, and even they are dimmed, empty of the spark that used to make them shine, the hope that used to fill them, the playfulness that hinted at secrets untold.

  Her fingers dance along the surface of the water, making swirling designs as the pink color deepens. It won’t be long now.

  PART III

  THEN COMES MARRIAGE

  Chapter 12

  Three months into my relationship with Bryce, and we were completely in sync. We’d entered the muggy days of summer, but the nights remained cool. The cicadas whirred in the trees during the day, and rather than annoying me as usual, I embraced the sound.

  I embraced most everything these days. Initially I had thought it was a love haze, and it would diminish, but if anything it had grown stronger. I attended church regularly with Bryce now, and had begun volunteering some of my time for various graphic design assignments. I’d joined the Bible study that Jenny had invited me to, and had found some wonderful friends in the women who attended. They’d helped me integrate into the world of the church, learn the different language, and didn’t laugh when I asked questions, like some of Bryce’s other friends did.

  At work, Elaine had been hinting at a promotion, and even Micah’s jealous stares couldn’t dampen my enthusiasm. Despite the intensit
y of my relationship with Bryce, I was able to focus at work more than ever. I’d taken a class at the church about goal setting and how to make the most of your career, and I had learned so much. Elaine had been impressed before, but now she counted me almost as an equal. There was an empty office next to hers I hoped would be mine within the next few months.

  Bryce continued to fit in well with my family. Even Kate was friendlier, though I could tell she was doing it for my benefit, which I appreciated. Our relationship was tenuous at best. It was the only dark spot in my life. She had been my best friend, but now we rarely talked, because inevitably the conversation turned to Bryce and her objections to him, and I was tired of defending him and our relationship to her. Things with her and Eddie had gone from bad to worse, and they were talking about separation. Eddie had fully embraced Bryce, and I wouldn’t be surprised if that was part of Kate’s objection and the growing divide between them. I couldn’t imagine why she was letting this come between her and everyone she loved, but she was adamant that she didn’t trust Bryce. I missed my nephews, but I couldn’t handle much of Kate anymore.

  “That is a fancy necklace, girl,” Savannah said from her spot on the couch in my living room. She was sprawled out, comfortable as if it was her own home. With Kate’s role in my life temporarily suspended, Van had stepped in to help fill the gaps. She and I had grown closer than ever, and she loved hanging out with Bryce. Her husband, Austin, also got along well with Bryce, and we enjoyed many summer evenings by the pool at Bryce’s new house.

  He had gone with the beautiful castle, as I knew he would. We were slowly decorating, and it was assumed I would have a hand in all decisions. After the day he made the offer, we continued on with a purpose, with an end goal. Just as it was important to have goals in your career, it was important to have goals in your personal life, and to work toward them. Bryce and I were headed to the same place, it was only a matter of time before it was official.