With You Always

by Rena Olsen

  As if conjured from my mind, large hands fell onto my shoulders, and Bryce leaned down to drop a kiss on my hair before coming around to sit close to me on the bench. I opened the blanket to share, and with two of us in the cocoon it was almost too warm. Not that I was complaining.

  Initially I had wanted to go someplace more exotic for our honeymoon. Either to Europe or someplace tropical. I’d researched all sorts of packages and exciting trips, but in the end Bryce reminded me that our honeymoon was about spending time together as husband and wife. The Reverend and Nancy owned a beautiful cabin a couple of hours away, and the lake would be fairly empty at this time of year. He’d been right, of course. The secluded cabin had been the perfect romantic backdrop for our first week as a married couple. We had full days free to do whatever we wished. We prayed together, went for walks, and spent plenty of time getting to know each other more . . . intimately. It was better than anything I could have planned, and I was thankful Bryce had taken the initiative to overrule what I thought I wanted.

  “Are you ready to go back?” Bryce asked, leaning in and nuzzling my neck, sending tingles down my spine. It was freeing being able to express ourselves physically. After our first night together, it was like a giant pressure valve had been released. I hadn’t realized how much we both had pent up before then.

  I shivered. “No, not really. I think we need another week.”

  He chuckled, running his lips up to my ear. “But you’d miss the Gathering on Sunday.”

  Arching my neck, I sighed. I was finally invited to participate in the Gathering this week. I’d been ecstatic when the Reverend had announced it to me before we left for our honeymoon, but in this moment I was having a difficult time drumming up that excitement.

  “It’ll be there next week,” I said, turning my face to Bryce’s, attempting to capture his lips.

  He sat back abruptly. “It’ll be there next week?” he repeated, his tone incredulous.

  “Bryce. I was kidding,” I said, reaching a hand to his face.

  He leaned away, ducking my touch. “You are being given the opportunity to be One with God and you’re so easily swayed by the thought of more sex. Honestly, Julia, I thought better of you.”

  My heart dropped. That wasn’t what I meant at all. “I was just teasing, Bryce,” I said, reaching for him as he stood, admitting the cool evening air into our cocoon. “Of course I’m excited and anxious to get back for the Gathering. You know that.”

  “Do I?” He looked at me as if disgusted with what he saw. “I won’t talk to the Reverend about this, Julia, but you might want to spend some time reading the Bible tonight to get your heart ready. I’ll sleep in the other room.”

  Tears pricked my eyes, but I nodded as he turned and walked back toward shore. I didn’t allow them to fall until he was on his way up the stairs to the cabin. Clearly I’d failed in some way, responded incorrectly to my husband. I stared into the sunset, which had turned the sky a spectacular mix of pinks and purples and oranges, but didn’t really see it as I replayed our conversation.

  It was almost completely dark by the time I returned to the cabin. The bed in the master suite was made as neatly as it had been that morning, and there was a sliver of light showing from the second bedroom down the hall, though no sound came from within. My Bible, which Bryce had given me soon after I’d started attending church, sat on the bed with several passages marked for me on the importance of putting God first, and how a woman who feared the Lord was to be revered. Sighing, I prepared for bed, climbed in, and began to read.

  * * *

  —

  I followed Bryce into the church on Sunday with a mix of anticipation and anxiety. He gripped my hand tightly as we made our way through the morning crowd. Everything was fine between us. He’d made me breakfast our final morning at the cabin, and I’d apologized for not taking my participation in the Gathering more seriously. I sometimes reverted to humor about things that were no laughing matter, and I vowed to talk with Susie about it in my next counseling session.

  Bryce and I had determined that I would continue with individual counseling, but cut back on our couple work now that we were married. We’d still meet with our mentor couple from time to time, but honestly I considered the Reverend and Nancy more of an ideal marriage to emulate than the couple we’d been meeting with. They were nice, but there was very little life to them. They were serious about everything, and while I understood there were things that needed respect at all times, I couldn’t deal with the complete lack of humor I saw in their marriage, though I could tell that they treated each other well. They were suited for each other, just in a different way than Bryce and I were. I saw us much more like the Reverend and Nancy, and since Bryce was in many ways like a son to them, it made sense to pattern our relationship after theirs instead of after some practical strangers.

  “Julia!” I looked around to see where my name had come from and saw Jenny working her way through the crowd toward us. I smiled and started to pull away from Bryce to meet her halfway, but though he stopped, he didn’t release my hand, so I waited for her to reach us instead.

  “Jenny, hey!” I said, giving her a one-armed hug, since Bryce still clutched my hand. “How are you? I didn’t get to see much of you at the wedding.”

  She squeezed my fingers as she pulled away from the awkward hug. “You looked so beautiful. I tried to come say hi but you were always surrounded by people, so I figured I’d just catch you another time. Dinner this week?”

  “That sounds great. I’ll call you, okay?”

  “Definitely.” Jenny opened her mouth to say something else, but Bryce interrupted.

  “We’d better get going, Julia. I need to talk with someone before the service.”

  I wanted to tell him that he could go and I’d catch up, but the look in his eyes told me that he would rather I stayed with him, so I waved goodbye to Jenny and followed Bryce. We made our way into the sanctuary and down to our seats. Once we were in our normal spots, I turned to Bryce.

  “I thought you needed to talk to someone.”

  “Hm? Oh.” He looked around. “I don’t see him. I’ll try and catch him later.”

  My brow wrinkled, but before I could say anything more, Stacy arrived. “Julia! Bryce! Welcome back!” She threw her arms around me in a tight hug, and I patted her arm. I’d never seen her so exuberant. “Are you excited about today?” she asked, her voice low.

  I nodded. “A little nervous, but mostly excited.”

  “You’ll be great,” she said, and then settled into her seat. We didn’t talk any more about it. Technically even her question was out of line, though she could have been referring to just about anything. Still, it was best to be safe and not mention the Gathering out in the larger church.

  Bryce had cautioned me against overthinking the Gathering as it approached, so I threw myself fully into worship, hoping that would keep me open. I was desperate to achieve Oneness my first time. I had waited so long, been preparing for so long, and Bryce had told me his story of achieving it on the first try. In some ways I felt like I needed to be able to get there right away to prove that I was a suitable wife for Bryce.

  That was where my real fears hid. Despite all the counseling, despite quitting my job to focus on Bryce and the church, and despite the Reverend’s blessing to become Bryce’s wife, I still worried that I wasn’t worthy. Our misunderstanding at the cabin over our honeymoon proved to me that I still had a lot of work to do to avoid more slipups. I wanted to be worthy. I wanted Bryce to be proud of me.

  I also desperately wanted the Reverend to think well of me. I wanted to become one of his shining stars, like Bryce, like Stacy, like the others he spoke of in respectful and reverent tones. He had an incredible connection to God, and if I had favor in his eyes, I knew, I just knew, I would achieve Oneness with little difficulty.

  So I poured my heart into worship,
and when the Reverend got up to speak, I took notes, scribbling every bit of wisdom I could fit on my paper. He made eye contact with me several times during his sermon, and I was pleased at the approval I saw there. Bryce stretched his arm along the back of my chair and squeezed my shoulder. When I looked at him, there was pride in his eyes, and I was filled to bursting with joy. I knew in that moment that the Gathering, my first as a participant, would be unforgettable.

  After the service, Bryce whisked me to the back chapel without giving us time to greet anyone. We were the first to arrive, and he pulled me to the center of the room and clasped my hands.

  “Are you ready, Julia?” he asked, his tone solemn, but his eyes shining.

  “I’ve never been more ready,” I said. “I thought waiting was awful, but now I know why it was important. Because this moment is even more special for having longed for it.” I dropped his hands to wind my arms around his neck. “Thank you, Bryce. For all of this. I’d never imagined a life like this was possible.”

  He grinned and pulled me close. “Just wait,” he whispered into my mouth before claiming it in a brief but potent kiss.

  By the time others arrived just minutes later, we were simply standing in the center of the room, holding hands at a respectful distance, sharing secret looks.

  “You’re such newlyweds,” Nancy said, nudging Bryce’s shoulder as she passed. “Time to center.”

  “Of course,” Bryce said. He led me to a spot near Stacy. “We should be separate for this so we’re not distracted. Stacy will keep an eye on you.”

  It was disappointing to be apart from him, but I could still see him from where I stood, and he was right. I was here to be One with God, not to ogle my husband. I angled so that I couldn’t see Bryce anymore and faced the Reverend, who had taken his spot up front.

  As happened every time, the crowd of people drifted into groups of three or four. I stuck close to Stacy, as Bryce had directed. The Reverend raised his hands skyward and said, “We thank You for Your Word at the service this morning, O Lord, now we request Your presence.”

  “We thank You for Your Word at the service this morning, O Lord, now we request Your presence,” I murmured along with everyone else, and then turned to my group. We clasped hands and repeated the words, and I found myself gently swaying to the rhythm. Soon, Nancy approached our group with the plate and goblet. Again, there was a selection of darker wafers and lighter wafers. I held my hands out as I did for Communion when we did it during the regular church service. Nancy placed a dark-colored disc in my cupped palms and nodded at me encouragingly. Taking a deep breath, I placed it on my tongue. It dissolved almost instantly, leaving behind the taste of apricots and copper. Next, I took the goblet and sipped the wine, a bitter brew that the Reverend had said represented the sacrifices God made for us.

  “Some churches provide sweet wines, or grape juice, as we do for our regular parishioners during our monthly Communion,” the Reverend had said. “But at the Gathering, we understand that true sacrifice was required, and is required, in order to open up the connection with God. Drinking bitter wine is a small discomfort, but it is symbolic.”

  I kept my features neutral as the liquid poured down my throat, determined not to show weakness, as God did not show weakness in His sacrifice. Nancy nodded approvingly and moved on, and I turned back to my group.

  It happened gradually. A slight buzz at the back of my skull. I continued chanting, but faltered when chills rushed through my body. It was as if I’d been attached to a live wire and was being electrocuted, but in a good way. I was a live wire, vibrating, sparking, and I was energy, pure energy, pure joy. I was One. He was here. I felt Him. From the top of my head through my fingertips, even my toes buzzed with light. Ethereal light. I opened my eyes and all I saw was light, and I knew it was Him. Tears leaked from my eyes, but I barely noticed. I reached out my hands, longing to touch him. Bodies pushed in from all around, all of us trying to touch the light.

  I knew why Bryce had never been able to explain what I was seeing as an outsider. It was beyond explanation, beyond words, beyond the human capability to communicate. It was like every cell in my body was suddenly aware, and straining, searching, basking in the glow. And then it was everywhere, surrounding me. I spun in a circle, losing my balance and falling back, but not caring because He was here. With us. Visible and tangible and everywhere. And I was loved and I was worthy and nothing, nothing, would ever be worth more than this feeling.

  “Julia,” a soft voice called to me from somewhere in the distance. The light was fading. I didn’t want it to go, but I knew it would be back. My consciousness rose to the surface as if awaking from the best night of sleep I’d ever had. Gentle hands wrapped around my arms and helped me to my feet, and through heavy eyelids I saw my husband’s face, his glorious, handsome, beloved face. I threw my arms around his neck, buried my head in his shoulder, and sobbed.

  * * *

  —

  “The adjustment can be difficult sometimes.”

  “Hm?” I looked up at Susie. I hadn’t realized she was talking, though it made sense, since I was in the middle of my counseling session.

  It had been three days since the Gathering, and I still felt as if I were walking half in this world, half in Oneness. Bryce had taken me straight home after the Gathering, and I’d spent most of the day marveling at the view from our window, until I was distracted by the view of Bryce reading and pulled him to our bedroom. Our lovemaking had been more satisfying than ever that night. I had spent the next two days reading my Bible, soaking in the Word, relishing in the fact that I had been with God, that He had chosen me to commune with.

  “It can be difficult after your first couple of experiences with Oneness to go back to regular life,” Susie said. “It’s one of the reasons I know the Reverend wanted you to leave your job before participating. Can you imagine trying to work in the state you’re in?”

  I laughed, imagining how Micah or Elaine would react to me pulling out my Bible every ten minutes, imagining trying to explain to them what it was like.

  “But how do you go back to reality?” I asked. “I mean, full reality. You seem focused, Bryce is always focused . . . and the Reverend’s connection is stronger than any of ours, and he is always focused on others and doing what needs to be done. How do you do it?”

  Susie sat back to think about it. “I imagine it’s like anything else that you grow accustomed to. It doesn’t make it any less of a big deal, but you learn to live with it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “For example, if you were in an accident and lost the ability to walk.”

  I frowned at her. “That’s a terrible example.”

  “Stay with me,” she said, the corner of her mouth turning up in amusement. “Right away, life would be so different. Daily activities would be more difficult, things that seemed so easy would become practically impossible.”

  I nodded. “Okay, yeah, like relearning to do things with your new reality.”

  “Exactly.” Susie smiled, pleased I was tracking with her. “But eventually you would learn to work with the change in your life. It would always be there, a constant, but you would do things intentionally with the change in mind.”

  “That makes sense, I guess.”

  “It’s a lifestyle change, Julia. You had one when you started coming to church, started making your faith more of a commitment in your life, right?”

  “I did.”

  “And is that hard now?”

  I shook my head. “Not at all. It feels natural.”

  She nodded. “See? Now, this is another change, a deeper change, but it works the same way. Now that you’ve communed with God, that connection will be present in everything you do. It’s how you live your life according to His will. Everything you do should be in honor of God, pleasing to God, an act of worship, even down to cooking dinner for your h
usband. You honor God by being a faithful member of this church. You honor God by being a faithful wife to Bryce. We talked about this before, but now that you’ve experienced Oneness, it takes on an entirely new urgency.”

  “So if I can concentrate my energy in day-to-day life on doing things for God’s glory, it will be easier to have that focus?”

  “Yes.” Susie clapped her hands once, as if I was a child who had just understood a brand-new concept, which, in a way, I was. “That’s where that focus comes from that you were talking about with the Reverend or with Bryce. Everything they do is worship, is service. So it’s not ignoring the experience, but leaning into it, taking it even further.”

  A new sense of purpose filled me, and I sat up straight. Tomorrow I would start working on finding direction in every activity. I couldn’t wait to get home and talk to Bryce.

  Chapter 20

  I had no purpose. At least that’s how it felt. Two weeks and three Gatherings later, I was still trying to figure out how to live each moment as an act of worship. I understood what Susie had said, but the long days spent at home seemed to blend into each other and I found myself spending most of the time wandering aimlessly. Housework was finished in the morning, supper supplies set out in the afternoon, but I found myself with a lot of time in between, and an itch to do more.

  One interesting thing had come up as I shambled about the empty house. Bryce had some boxes that he’d brought home from a storage locker he’d kept for years. He said he’d forgotten about it, because his apartment wasn’t large enough to keep much extra stuff around.

  “You became such an expert at figuring out what would fit in our house and what needed to be donated, I thought you could go through these,” he said, and I was more than happy to oblige, to have something to do. In reality, I’d ended up getting rid of all of my things from my apartment. The few things I’d tried to keep, Bryce had vetoed.