by Rena Olsen
Bryce had also finally accepted the pregnancy. He told me that God had illuminated a new path for him, and that the baby was indeed a miracle. He spoke excitedly about the baby’s future, how he would raise it and give it all the things he didn’t have as a child. He spoke openly about his childhood now, too, even up to the day that he left. I learned about Sissy, and how he had tried to protect her, and yet I was unmoved. Even as he talked, I couldn’t reconcile the boy he described with the man I had married or with the man my husband had become. He even talked about his decision to cut ties with his family, to stop sending the letters and close the PO box. The Reverend required a clean slate before Bryce could become who he was meant to be. The letters he’d kept had been his one concession.
I didn’t hear from Harriet, as I thought I might. I didn’t ask Bryce if he’d done anything about her, or if she’d reached out to him. She’d seemed so hopeful that my visit could be the start of a relationship with her adult son, even as I told her that he didn’t know I had come. I was sure that she would look up our names, which would lead her to his law firm, as I had discovered in my initial searches so long ago, and try to connect. If she did, he didn’t tell me about it. Maybe her patchy memory had been a blessing after all.
One morning, before he left, Bryce turned to me. “The past few weeks have been wonderful, Julia,” he said, grasping my shoulders. “I feel like we can finally be completely honest with each other. No more secrets.”
I nodded. “No more secrets.”
“That’s my girl.” He kissed me and started humming on his way out the door as I turned to clean the dishes.
It was a beautiful afternoon for a walk, so I texted Bryce to tell him I’d be going to the library, and set out. It was usually pretty quiet on my walk. Our neighborhood wasn’t the type to have children playing out front, and the houses were set far enough back from the street that I wouldn’t have been able to chat with anyone anyway. There were very few other pedestrians, especially in the middle of the day, but the sun was shining and the birds sang from the trees, so I took my time.
Vanessa greeted me when I entered the library. “Nice day?”
“Gorgeous,” I said. I didn’t have any books to return. I didn’t check them out anymore. I just read while I was here. It wasn’t a story time day, so I waved at Vanessa and headed upstairs.
The religion section remained my sanctuary. The computer in the corner had been removed, replaced with a cozy reading area. I had marveled at my husband’s influence the first time I saw the new setup, but I really shouldn’t have been surprised. If he’d told the library to throw all computers out and use kerosene lamps only for light, they would have done it in a heartbeat. He had dirt on everyone who worked here. It was part of how they got their jobs.
I picked up a book on Buddhism before settling into the new reading area. I’d tell Bryce about it later. He didn’t mind my hobby, encouraged it really, as long as I talked with him about what I learned so he could tell me all the ways it was wrong. He thrived on being right.
I was immersed in an introductory chapter to Noble Truths when someone else entered the section. Normally no one bothered me, but occasionally someone else wandered in. I heard the footsteps, but didn’t look up. I didn’t want to engage with anyone, and if I ignored them, typically they’d find their books and leave without initiating small talk.
“Julia? Julia Hawthorne?”
Startled, I looked up to see a man with brown eyes and shaggy blond hair peering at me, a disbelieving smile on his familiar-looking face.
“Tim?” I dropped the book I was reading and jumped up, throwing my arms around his neck before I caught myself and stepped back, still reeling in surprise. “Tim Wilson. I can’t believe it! What are you doing here?”
“Looking for books,” he said, gesturing at the shelves. “I’m taking a religion class as an elective for my master’s degree.”
“Wow! A master’s degree in what?”
“Counseling,” he said. “It’s for my cultural competency credit. I want to be able to understand anyone who comes through my door, at least a little.”
I shook my head. He was so familiar, though it had been years since I’d seen him. “That’s great, Tim. What have you been up to? How long has it been?”
He scrunched his face, like he always used to when he was working a math problem out in his head. “Since graduation? So ten years? Give or take.”
“That long, huh? No wonder you look so old.”
“Hey.” He lightly punched my shoulder, and I immediately stepped back, my heart pounding. “Oh, hey, sorry,” he said, holding up his hands at the panic on my face. “Didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Uh, you didn’t,” I said, rubbing my hand down my arm, cursing my jumpiness. “Listen, I should be going, but it was really great to see you.”
“Wait,” Tim said. “Can I get your number so we can catch up? I’d love for you to meet my wife, and I know my parents would like to see you again.”
“’Bye, Tim!” I called over my shoulder, pretending I hadn’t heard him. I waved at Vanessa on my way out, and didn’t slow down until I’d rounded the corner at the end of the block. Once I was sure he wasn’t following me, my feet dragged the rest of the way home.
Seeing Tim had been like a breath of fresh air and a splash of cold water all at once. We’d been good friends in high school, but lost touch once we went to college, as happens with even some of the greatest friendships. But in high school, we’d been almost inseparable. Always at each other’s house, practically part of each other’s family. I’d seen him on holidays for a while, but then he’d studied abroad and I’d stopped coming home and our only point of contact was social media. He was one of those people whose lives I’d always looked at wistfully, scrolling through his pictures from his time in other countries, smiling at his wedding photos, but who felt like someone from another lifetime. Like the person I knew didn’t even exist anymore.
Except he did, and seeing him brought back all those memories, of the person he’d been . . . of the person I’d been. High school me wouldn’t recognize the person I’d become. But then, high school me probably couldn’t fathom living in a giant house and being married to a man as attractive as Bryce. I really couldn’t complain about my life.
I couldn’t explain why I’d run from Tim, however. He’d been playful when he’d cuffed my arm, teasing like we always had, but my heart had almost exploded out of my chest, my lungs constricted, and I needed to find an exit immediately. I didn’t care if it looked rude or hurt his feelings. All I cared about was escape. From Tim. Removed from the situation now, it seemed ridiculous, and I did feel a little bad, but it was probably for the best. Tim wouldn’t understand the life I was leading, and I didn’t need him to. He was from my past, and it was better if he stayed there.
When I got home, I decided to make an extra-special dinner for Bryce, since I had some extra time. He oohed and aahed over the homemade ravioli and sauce, and we ate in silence for a few minutes before he struck up a conversation.
“How was the library today?”
I kept my features schooled even as my heart sped up. He knew. Not that there was anything to hide, but guilt sat like a rock in my belly anyway. “It was fine,” I said. “I started to read a book on Buddhism but I started to feel sick, so I came back home.”
His brow furrowed in concern. “Are you feeling better now? Was it morning sickness?”
I nodded, though I was past that stage. “Probably. I felt better after my walk home. Fresh air always helps. I’m glad I’m able to walk to the library.”
“I’m happy you’re feeling better,” he said, taking another bite. He chewed thoughtfully. “Anything else interesting?”
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him I’d run into an old friend, but for some reason I felt protective of Tim. It was nothing, but I knew instinctively that Bry
ce would not be happy that I’d spoken to him at all, though it had only been a few sentences. I worried that he would restrict my visits to the library, or ask me to stay where Vanessa was stationed, and I needed my sanctuary. So instead I just shook my head. “Nope. Pretty uneventful. How was your day?”
He looked at me for only a moment before launching into his latest case. He believed me. He knew he had me totally cowed. He was confident that I wouldn’t keep anything from him. That knowledge fanned a spark of defiance I thought had been snuffed out. It was a small thing, keeping my high school friend from him, but it was something. I was still my own person. Still me, at least in small part. For now.
* * *
—
I waited a few days before returning to the library. Not that I thought Tim would come looking for me, but just to be sure. And as much as I loved the sanctuary of the religion section, I decided to peruse some other areas. I ended up in a section I’d never explored before. It was full of medical textbooks, and I was getting ready to keep moving when I saw a pharmacology textbook.
Though I’d never brought it up with Bryce or Nancy or the Reverend, it had always bothered me that I never figured out what Dr. Leeland had been talking about when she mentioned ketamine, all those months ago. I’d been so intent on making sure everything was perfect, on pleasing Bryce and the Reverend, that I’d stuffed that bit of information into the back of my brain. I barely thought of it anymore, but when it did come up it was like an itch I couldn’t quite reach. There was something to it, but I’d never taken the time to fully explore it.
Taking the textbook to a table, I opened it and began leafing through until I found it.
Ketamine—dissociative anesthetic, some hallucinogenic effects, can cause distortion of sight and sound, users report feeling out of control and disconnected from environment—effects often last 30–60 minutes—often used in veterinary clinics.
I continued scanning the page, reading through street names and abuses of the drug, but my eyes got stuck on one sentence. Several common types of experiences with ketamine have been reported, including what users call simply “God,” based on the hallucination that they have met their maker.
My heart raced as I read the sentence over and over. Was it possible? Had I been drugged? Had we all been drugged? And if so, who knew about it? Did Bryce know? Or was it one of those things they would tell me was to help out as I got started, to “open my mind” to Oneness with God? Through all of this I had been questioning what I was doing wrong, why I was in this situation, and I had concluded that this was the life God planned for me. After all, it’s what Bryce saw. It’s what the Reverend saw. And in all of that, I always knew it had to be true because I had experienced it for myself. I wasn’t making that up, the Oneness with God.
Maybe it was all a lie.
“There you are.” Tim’s voice cut through my chaotic thoughts, and I looked up at him with wide eyes, slamming the book shut in surprise. His expression turned to one of concern. “Hey, are you okay? I saw you come in, but I didn’t know if you wanted to talk to me or not . . . you ran away so quickly the other day.”
Trying to gather myself, I took a deep breath. “I’m fine. Just . . . doing some reading.”
He squinted at the book on the table. “You’re reading a pharmacology textbook.”
“I was curious.”
He slid into the chair across from me and moved his hand as if to cover my shaking fingers, but pulled back. “Is there something wrong, Julia? Are you taking medication or thinking about it?”
This was ludicrous. He was so nosy. “No, Tim, I just heard the name of a drug the other day and I was curious about what it did. That’s all. I don’t have a drug problem.”
Leaning back in his chair, he crossed his arms over his chest. “Okay, hey, didn’t mean to upset you. Although you looked pretty upset before I even said your name.”
“Why are you here, Tim?” I asked, irritation slicing through my words.
“Just wanted to say hi,” he said, sliding his chair back. “I thought maybe something had happened the other day that made you run away, but I guess it really was just me. I thought I was being paranoid.”
“I didn’t run away.”
“You left rubber tracks on the carpet with how fast you peeled outta here.”
I couldn’t help the smile that quirked up the side of my mouth. “You always were dramatic.”
Standing, he stretched. “I’ll get out of your hair. It was great seeing you. Best of luck with everything.” He gestured to the textbook, a twinkle in his eye.
“Wait, Tim,” I said, holding out a hand. “You can stay. It’s just a little weird running into someone from my past. I haven’t talked to anyone from high school in years.”
“All the more reason to catch up!” He plopped back into his chair.
“So tell me about your life,” I said. “I know you traveled around Asia and South America, and I know you’re married, but I quit social media a while back so now you need to fill me in the old-fashioned way.”
Tim laughed and started talking about his travels, about his wife, Mary, about his family. It was like old times, chatting for hours in his parents’ basement. “And now I’m in grad school, which is completely insane. I’m in my last year, though, doing an internship counseling out of a church.”
My nose wrinkled. I hadn’t fully processed what I had learned today, but even hearing the word “church” put a bad taste in my mouth. He noticed my look and his mouth turned up at one corner. “Not religious? Even though I found you in the religion section the other day?”
I shook my head. “Actually, my husband and his family are very religious. They run the Church of the Life here in town.”
It was his turn to wrinkle his nose. “I hear weird things about that church.”
I laughed. “It’s not all bad.” And that was true. When I thought about most of the people who attended the church, they were good people. But knowing what was under the surface, I didn’t know if I could buy into any of it anymore. Although I didn’t really have a choice.
Fingers snapped in front of my face and I jumped. “You looked a million miles away for a second there,” Tim said.
I blinked, coming back to the present. “Sorry. Just thinking. I’ve spent the past couple years being deeply devoted to the church and to God, but I just don’t know what I believe anymore.” I clapped a hand over my mouth. I couldn’t believe I’d said that out loud. If Vanessa heard me, or any of the other patrons who could speak to Bryce . . .
Realizing where I was, I jumped up. “I need to go, Tim, I’m sorry.” I looked at my watch. I should have left half an hour ago. I sent a quick text to Bryce.
Got immersed in a book and lost track of time. Be home soon.
His reply came immediately. I can pick you up. I’m on my way.
My heart pounded. I turned to Tim. “I’m going to head out, but you need to stay back here, maybe go around and come out a different section.”
He laughed, but then seemed to realize I was serious. “Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?”
“My husband . . .” I lowered my voice and looked around. “He gets a little jealous, and we know a lot of the people here. I’d hate for them to get the wrong idea.”
“About us?” Tim laughed again. “We’re just old friends.”
Bryce would be pulling up any moment. “Please, Tim. For me.”
Concern creased his forehead as he nodded. “Okay. Will I see you again?”
I smiled. “I hope so.” Then I turned and hurried to where Bryce was waiting out front, completely forgetting to put away the textbook I’d been reading.
Chapter 31
At lunch on Sunday with the Reverend and Nancy, I had a more difficult time holding my composure, but it was more important than ever that I did. It wasn’t just Bryce and me who were guests, b
ut a random assortment of others who had come from the Gathering. I watched each of them closely to see if I could recognize signs that they’d been drugged. As always, everyone was smiling and euphoric from their experience, but was that the same thing as having been drugged? And if the effects were short-lived, did that mean that they wouldn’t show any outward signs?
“So, Julia.” Dr. Herbert was sitting across the table from me, next to Nancy. “I understand you’ve developed an interest in pharmaceuticals.”
I raised an eyebrow at him. I could take this opportunity to let them know I knew what was going on, but then, I wasn’t sure what they’d do. I knew enough about Bryce’s work at this point that I wouldn’t put it past them to somehow frame me for some wrongdoing, if they didn’t do something worse. As it was, nobody would know I was missing for weeks or longer. These people were the only ones who knew the status of my well-being.
Except Tim. Tim would notice now. He would realize that I wasn’t at the library and he would contact my parents, especially since I’d told him Bryce was the jealous sort. I shouldn’t have said that. It might have made him suspicious. I hoped that he would be back this week so I could explain that I’d just been paranoid. I didn’t want him involved in any of this. But still. It was nice knowing that if I disappeared, he would notice.
“I’m not sure what you mean, Doctor,” I said, taking a bite of the salmon that had been prepared for lunch. It was perfect, as always.
Bryce chuckled next to me. “Vanessa mentioned that she put away a pharmacology textbook you’d been looking at the other day. I mentioned in passing to the doctor that perhaps you’d like to learn more.”
My cheeks heated, but for once I was glad, because it looked like I was embarrassed rather than frightened that they’d found out what I’d been looking at. “Oh, that,” I said, patting my mouth with my napkin and taking a drink of water. “I’ve read many of the books in the religion section, and I got to thinking that I hadn’t explored much. I made a game out of it and picked at random.” I shrugged, allowing a small laugh to escape my lips. “I could not have picked a more boring section to end up in. I’ll have to be more selective next time.”