by Rena Olsen
Laughs floated around the table, and I breathed a silent sigh of relief. “Well, let me know if you change your mind,” Dr. Herbert said.
“You’ll be the first one I call,” I said, and he winked before focusing back on his plate. I kept an eye on Bryce out of the corner of my eye. I couldn’t decide if he knew about the ketamine or not, or if he did, whether he suspected I now knew the truth as well. But Bryce’s face remained calm and relaxed, none of the telltale signs of irritation or anger hinting that he was holding back.
The conversation swirled around other topics, but an itch between my shoulder blades told me I was being watched. I glanced around the table, but everyone seemed to be engrossed in their own conversations until I met the Reverend’s eyes.
He studied me with cool calculation, a look I’d never seen on his face sending shivers down my spine. I’d always felt completely at ease with the Reverend, from the moment we’d first met. He seemed to have that charisma, which I’d later attributed to being connected with God. He drew people in, made them feel important, was able to convince them of just about anything.
But I saw through him now. Being a broken woman meant that people often spoke around me as if I didn’t exist, and I’d learned to listen, not only to Bryce, but to what others were saying. I’d gleaned that the Gathering was not only a way for the Reverend to control others, to hold power, but also gave him incredible amounts of influence over vast resources. It was no coincidence that the “Chosen” also happened to be the wealthiest and most influential people in the city. The Reverend, Bryce, even Nancy had collected dirt on each of them, and they weren’t above using blackmail to grow the church . . . or to grow their bank accounts.
My eyes narrowed as I looked back at the Reverend. I had all this information bubbling within me, but I couldn’t do anything with it. They had me completely tied up, no escape routes available. I was at Bryce’s whims, which meant I was at the Reverend’s whims.
Was it a sign that I was no longer under his spell that I could see the iciness in his eyes? Or was he giving up the pretense? Did he realize that I knew his secret? Knew what he was doing to these people? How he was controlling them? He rested his chin on his hands, his fingers steepled over his lips, and it was as if time stopped. As if we were the only two in the room. As if he saw every part of me, every thought in my head, every question I’d ever asked, every doubt I’d ever squashed. And then he smiled.
Instead of leaving me feeling comforted, my entire body went numb at that smile. It wasn’t a smile of acceptance, of comfort. It was a smile of pure evil.
* * *
—
Tim wasn’t at the library on Monday or Tuesday. I didn’t go Wednesday, because I’d never gone more than three days in a week, and I didn’t want Bryce to be suspicious. Nancy visited Wednesday, and asked several times if I was feeling okay. I clearly wasn’t putting on my act as well anymore.
Once I’d peeled that first layer back, exposed the fact that it was very likely my experience at the Gathering was unnatural instead of a natural connection with my Creator, everything else began to unravel. I began to hear the disharmonious notes in everything Nancy and the Reverend said. The subtle ways they made me feel as if everything I did was wrong, that everything Bryce did was for me and for God. Nothing rang true anymore. And yet I was so entangled in their web that I saw no way out.
The worst part was that everything I’d believed in, the faith I’d built over the past two years, was shattered. I didn’t know what I believed. Before Bryce, I had some sense that there was a God someplace, that Someone was out there, but now . . . if this was what the church was built on, lies and deception, I wanted nothing to do with it.
I didn’t see Tim again until the following week. It was getting harder and harder to pull it together all the time, and I’d begged off early from lunch with the Reverend and Nancy after church the day before to go home and lie down. Bryce was worried about me, and wanted to set up an appointment with Dr. Herbert, but I assured him it was normal pregnancy fatigue. When I texted him to tell him I was going to the library today, he was concerned, and I knew to expect Vanessa to pop in more often.
“Hello, Vanessa,” I said, giving her my most cheerful greeting as I walked in. “How are you?”
“I’m great, Julia, thank you.” Her gaze flicked up and down my body, as if looking for signs of illness or exhaustion. They paused on my belly, just starting to round out a bit. “Bryce said you were under the weather yesterday.”
“I had a good nap and slept great last night,” I lied. Bryce had woken me for sex and I hadn’t been able to get back to sleep after. Thank goodness for all of the makeup tips I got from Stacy. The bags under my eyes weren’t visible at all. “I just get tired a little easier, but I’m feeling wonderful today.”
Vanessa smiled. “I’m glad. Back up to the religion section today, or back to exploring?” She’d talked to Bryce.
“Not sure,” I said. “Maybe I’ll find a novel and curl up in a corner for a bit. Are the kids still coming in for reading time today?”
“They are. Want me to find you?”
“That’s okay,” I said. “I can always hear when they show up.” Children weren’t known for being quiet, even in the library.
I wandered up to my normal spot, which was empty, as it usually was. I continued walking, slowly perusing the books until the sound of children’s voices floated up from below. I descended the stairs and greeted the children and their families. Many were members of the church, but not of the Gathering, so they recognized me from there.
The children’s librarian, Doreen, always read a book, and then a fleet of volunteers, myself included, took children aside one-on-one or in small groups to read some books of their choosing. The parents were free to browse through the library or even run out for coffee during the hour-long event. It was very different from my tutoring, and I enjoyed it immensely.
Today, my mind was on other things. I kept my eye on the front door as I listened to the story Doreen read, hoping Tim would come in. Maybe he was done with his research. I’d hoped he would return, but I realized he didn’t necessarily say when or if he would be back.
My desire to see Tim surprised me, but it wasn’t an attraction. He represented everything I wasn’t, everything I missed. When I felt myself being pulled under again by the doctrine of the Reverend, I remembered the feeling I had when I’d looked up and seen Tim for the first time, like coming up for air when I hadn’t even realized I was drowning. He was my beacon, my cue that maybe not everyone was always watching, always finding ways to manipulate. Tim felt safe, in a way that no one else had for a long time.
“Miss Julia?” A small girl in blonde pigtails tugged on my sleeve. “Will you read to me?”
I hadn’t even realized Doreen was finished. The kids were all splitting up with the other volunteers. I crouched down to the little girl’s height. “I would be happy to, Lydia,” I said, recalling her name as I looked into her wide green eyes. She held out a Dr. Seuss book, which I loved reading. “Should we go over to one of the chairs?” I asked. I patted my belly. “It’s not as easy for me to get up and down as it used to be.” In truth, I was barely showing and could still maneuver easily, but the joke made Lydia giggle.
“Are you gonna have a baby, Miss Julia?”
“I am! Unless it’s a kitten.”
More giggles. “Are you excited? I was excited when my baby bruvver was borned.”
“Very excited.”
We walked to a squashy chair, where I sat down and pulled her into my lap. She leaned her head on my shoulder and pointed at her favorite pages as we went. We read through three books before the time was up. She jumped off my lap and waved. “Bye, Miss Julia! Bye, baby kitten!” She blew a kiss at my belly and scurried away. Contentment flowed through me. I couldn’t wait to meet my own child, to hear the giggles, to see the world through a ch
ild’s eyes again. It seemed like a much brighter place when children looked at it.
Vanessa was preoccupied at the front desk, and I took the opportunity to slip into the back part of the library and use a different set of stairs to go back up to the religion section. Even if Tim didn’t show today, I had another hour before I had to head home. Maybe I would find that novel I’d told Vanessa I was considering.
All my plans for the novel were wiped away when I entered the section and found Tim immersed in a book at one of the study tables. He didn’t see me right away, so I tiptoed across the floor and peered over his shoulder.
“Bees?” I asked, and laughed when he jumped.
“For a pregnant lady, you sure move quietly, like a pregnant ninja,” he said, pushing the chair across from him out with his foot. “Have a seat. Take a load off.”
I lowered myself into the chair and gestured to the book again. “You’re interested in bees?”
“Actually, I have a hive on an acreage outside of town. I’m hoping to expand eventually.”
Leaning back, I raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re a beekeeper?”
“Guilty. Remind me to show you a picture of me in my bee suit sometime.”
“Do you have a bonnet and everything?”
“It matches.”
We both laughed, and it was easy. Easy to talk to him, easy to be with him. I didn’t feel like I had to watch what I said, or avoid certain topics. He spent the next hour teaching me about bees and hives and the setup he had to extract honey. “You and your husband can come help us extract next year.”
I snorted. “I can’t see Bryce extracting honey.” I thought for a moment. “I’d like to see him in that bee suit, though.”
My phone buzzed. “Speak of the devil,” I said, and smirked at my own joke, though Tim just looked confused. “I gotta go. But I’ll be back Thursday if you’re around.”
“Always need to study,” Tim said. “I might be around.”
* * *
—
I was humming when Bryce walked in later that evening.
“Sorry I’m late, sweetheart,” he said, kissing me on the cheek. “Had to wrap a few things up.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I kept the chicken warm.”
I took it out of the oven and danced it out into the dining room. Bryce watched me, a bemused look on his face. “You’re in an awfully good mood,” he said.
I twirled one last time before taking my seat across from him. “I did story time today at the library. Do you remember little Lydia from church?”
He shook his head. Of course he didn’t. Her parents weren’t important enough for him to know, and he had little time for children. He likely wouldn’t have much time for his own, other than to make sure he or she was doing exactly what they were supposed to do.
“Well, she’s the cutest thing, blonde hair and green eyes. Anyway, she asked me specifically to read to her and was asking about the baby and it just got me thinking how excited I am to meet the little one.” I rubbed a hand over my belly, something that had become an almost unconscious act since I started showing.
“I’m glad you had a good day,” Bryce said, and went back to his chicken. He didn’t offer any information about his day, and I didn’t ask. Instead, I immersed myself in my daydreams of what our child would look like, and what kind of person they would be.
That night, I dreamed of the baby. A little girl with blonde hair, even though neither Bryce nor I was naturally blonde. She skipped away from me, and I reached for her, but couldn’t quite get to her. I called out, “Wait!” and she stopped, but when she turned around, her eyes glowed red, and she bared a mouth full of sharp teeth at me.
I woke up sweating, breathing hard. Bryce slept soundly next to me, but I lay awake for the rest of the night, unable to get the monstrous face out of my mind.
Chapter 32
Tim found me in my normal spot two days later, frantically flipping through baby books. Vanessa had helped me find a stack of them and I’d been looking up pregnancy dreams and effects of drugs on babies for the past hour.
“You look like you’re on a mission,” Tim said, dropping into the chair across from me. He tilted his head to look at the titles. “Everything okay with the baby?”
“I don’t know,” I said, slamming one book shut and pulling another toward me. I’d also stopped by and grabbed the pharmacology textbook I’d read before, but it didn’t have any insight into the effects of ketamine on an unborn baby. If I was able to get on a computer, I could research it, but since I couldn’t, I had to stick to old methods.
Unless . . .
I looked up at Tim. “How much do you know about hallucinogens? Specifically ketamine?”
“You in the market?” he asked, his tone careful despite the teasing words.
“No. I just . . . never mind.”
“Julia,” he said, reaching his hand to cover the page I was scanning. Since the first day when I’d fled, Tim made sure not to actually touch me, which I appreciated. It wasn’t that I felt threatened by him. I just felt dirty, and I didn’t want it to rub off. “What is this about?”
“Nothing,” I said. “I just had a question.”
“Did you try the Internet?” He was joking around as if it was a silly question.
“No, I’m not allowed access to the Internet.”
Tim sat back, stunned, but I didn’t even care about hiding the weirdness of my life from him at this point. “What do you mean, you’re not allowed?”
“I mean that I looked up stuff that Bryce wasn’t happy about and he asked for my access to be cut off at the library. The only computer at home is a laptop in his study, which I’m not allowed to enter if he’s not there, and my phone’s data is blocked.”
Tim was shaking his head in disbelief as I talked. “That’s insane. What were you looking up? Porn?”
My head jerked up at that. “No,” I said. “I looked up his mother.” I went back to flipping through my books. I had likely been dosed with ketamine at least a few times before I realized I was pregnant. Now I understood why I wasn’t allowed to participate in the Gathering during my pregnancy, and probably while I was nursing. I was desperate enough at this point to call Nancy and just ask her if she knew what the effects were, or even Dr. Herbert. What would they say if at Sunday dinner I just asked what they knew about the effects of ketamine in utero?
“Julia.” This time Tim did touch me, his fingers only lightly brushing the skin on the back of my hand. I froze, and then jerked my hand away. He moved his arm back to his side of the table. “Do you want me to go look it up?”
Paranoid thoughts rushed through my head. What if Vanessa was tracking everyone’s searches? Did she know? Did everyone know but me? Or was it just the Reverend and Nancy? Did Bryce know? Or was that one secret the Reverend kept from him? It was important that I find out.
“Okay,” I said. “But use the back stairway and one of the computers in the study area, not the main area. If Vanessa sees . . .”
“If Vanessa sees, I’ll tell her I’m doing research for one of my clients. Given that I’ve only spoken to her when I check books out, I don’t think she’ll have much interest in what I’m looking up.”
I just hoped she hadn’t realized I was spending time with him here. It was pretty risky, now that I thought about it, but I also wasn’t willing to give him up just yet. “Okay. I’ll keep looking here.”
He nodded and slipped away to the back. I kept reading through the books, and a few minutes later I heard footsteps coming closer. Not the heavy footfalls of a man, but the gentle clip-clop of Vanessa’s flats. I was grateful Tim had offered to go look things up, because it would have been a disaster for her to find him here with me.
“How’s everything going, Julia?” Vanessa asked. “Are you finding what you were looking for?”
“Yes, thank you,” I said, tucking the textbook under my pile. I didn’t need her telling Bryce that I was looking at it again after I’d brushed it off before. He would definitely grow suspicious then, whether he knew about the ketamine or not. “I just got to thinking that I didn’t know if I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing.” Laughing, I turned one of the books to show her the pages. “Apparently it’s an early sign of nesting, suddenly needing to prepare and protect the baby. So I guess I found out that I’m normal!”
“That has to be a relief.” Her eyes ran over my stacks of books. “Can I put any of these back for you?”
“Nope, I’m not sure which ones I’ve looked at yet. I’ll bring them down when I’m done.”
“No need,” Vanessa said. “I can just collect them after you leave.” She turned to head back downstairs and then looked back. “You know, Julia. We do have lots of tables on the first level. You wouldn’t have to lug stacks of books up here.”
“I know,” I said, shrugging. “But I like it here. It’s quiet and I’m almost always by myself.”
“Okay, if you’re sure,” she said, lifting a shoulder. “Let me know if you need anything else.”
“Will do!” I saluted her, and cringed, glad that she’d already turned her back before she’d seen the salute. That wasn’t exactly acting natural.
A few minutes later, Tim was back, a sheaf of papers in his hands. “I can look more later, but from what I found, I don’t think you have too much to worry about. There’s not much on ketamine use, but it’s been classified as safe to use in limited amounts during pregnancy.”