Star Light, Star Bright

by Marian Wells

  Chapter 4

  Spring sunshine had everyone in Kirtland outside. Nettie had just left, and the familiar lonesome feeling settled on Jenny. She lingered on her steps, watching her neighbors shake rugs and pull weeds. They looked busy and content. Jenny tried to square her shoulders and fix a smile on her face; she failed dismally at both.

  Slowly she went down the steps and walked around the house. “So you’re disappointed, Jenny,” she advised herself. “Stiffen your lip. What’s to disappoint you except you haven’t had a letter from Mark since Christmas, and now it’s April. And you hear today that the Prophet has another little son and his wife is hale and hearty.”

  “Jenny.” The quiet voice came from behind her. For a dizzy moment, Jenny recognized the voice, then rejected it. Again it came, “Jenny.” This time she turned. “Mark!” For a moment it was impossible to move. She studied his face. At first he was only a stranger. There was a guarded question in his eyes, but there was also the beginning of a smile. She flew into his arms, stretching eagerly for his kisses. She knew it didn’t matter—none of it, not the absence, the lack of letters, the hurts, the silences. Only Mark was necessary.

  She held him, straining against him. Were all those tears hers? When she leaned back to look at his face and saw his tears, she sensed a newness in him. Jenny led him into the house, closing the door firmly behind them; she knew she couldn’t be away from his touch for a moment until the gap of those long months was bridged.

  Not until the next day could they sit together and face questions. Jenny had one question too tender to be probed—and that was Why? Why wasn’t love enough?

  “Jenny, I still don’t understand it all.” He paced restlessly and she was beginning to see the things Mark could never explain. Those agitated steps hinted at a torment his tired face had refused to admit last June. Momentarily, Jenny recalled the Mark she had glimpsed during their snowbound time in Cobleskill long ago.

  She studied the new, tender smile and realized once again she was close to the hidden man. Unexpectedly Jenny was filled with an overwhelming desire to be one with that real Mark, but at the same time she was afraid.

  He was ready to talk now, haltingly at first. “Jenny, I know only that I left here in bondage—to myself, to the church, most of all, to Joseph. I went to England trying to believe in all that I had been taught here. I went determined not to come back until I could honestly face your little-girl faith and say, ‘I believe in Joseph Smith and his divine commission.’” His voice yearned for her understanding. “Did you sense how tired I had grown of pretending? Jenny, you’ll never know how hard I tried to believe. I knew it was necessary if I was to come back here and live in the shadow of Joseph, following his teachings.”

  Jenny was distant and curious. “And what did you find?” she asked hesitantly. Why wasn’t love sufficient? Why must you have more? her thoughts raced.

  For a moment his glance wavered. And when he spoke, it was to himself. “How can I make you understand? I’m only just now beginning to comprehend all that’s happened. I should have waited to come, but I knew I couldn’t be away from you a moment longer.” His hand was on her cheek, stroking, and his eyes were gentle, remembering her welcome.

  Jenny’s heart leaped. Surely their love would be all that was necessary! She knelt beside his chair, resting her head against his chest. When he pulled her onto his lap, she was satisfied that she had won. Love was sufficient.

  Later he recalled his subject. “Jenny, for the first time I was put in a position where I had to understand Joseph’s teachings and what his book says. I had to be out there ministering to people. I couldn’t just say I had ‘a burning in the bosom’ like the rest of the fellows were doing. I had to know. I studied until my head was swimming. I talked with the brethren until we were all hoarse. Finally, Kimball let me borrow his Bible.” He shot her a quick look. “Not the gold one.”

  She touched his cheek, and he turned his head to press a kiss into her hand. Taking a deep breath, he said, “Jenny, do you know God has promised that when we seek Him with our whole heart, He will allow us to find Him? I’ve come to understand what His message is.”

  “What message?”

  “The Bible’s message of salvation. What God is trying to get across to mankind. Jenny, it isn’t as Joseph teaches at all. Before I could understand I had to read the whole book through several times. Essentially the message for man is the same now as it always has been. He’s a sinner; from way back in the beginning that’s so. There’s no way on this earth a man can live good enough or wise enough to be righteous. There’s love, too. I was overwhelmed by the message of love in the book.”

  His hands were holding hers now, pleading for her attention. “The words kept coming back at me. God loved us so much even while we were sinners that He provided a way for us to come to himself, not through doing good things, or being special set-apart ones, but simply through accepting the only possible way to bridge the gap between God and man.”

  Mark’s voice broke. He dropped her hands, jumped up, and resumed his agitated pacing. “Jenny, I was raised in the church. You heard Mother talk about her beliefs. When I was young I heard the Bible read daily, and I heard my parents pray.

  “Somehow, during all those years in Sunday school and church, the truth skimmed right over my head. I really didn’t understand until I became so desperate that I was reduced to begging God to show me what I was failing to see.

  “Jenny, Jesus Christ is God. Not a god, like Joseph has been telling us that all we men will become when we choose to accept the Mormon way. This Jesus is God. He came in human flesh, just like another man. But He did what none of us, including Joseph, has ever done; He lived His entire life without sinning once. He is God.”

  As he talked, every word Mark spoke became a brick in a wall between the two of them. Jenny’s attempt to remain quiet, to hear him out, was knotting her stomach, chilling her hands, and setting her whole body to trembling.

  Jenny jumped to her feet and whirled away from Mark. “I don’t understand why I am feeling this way, Mark,” she whispered through gritted teeth, “but all this talk is churning me up inside. If you say another word, I’ll scream.”

  He came to her. “Jenny, I have no desire to upset you. I only needed to let you know what has been happening to me.”

  Abruptly he turned to pace the room and when he returned to her, he said, “My dearest Jenny, you know that I love you more than my own life. That’s why the step I’m taking now is so necessary. I don’t expect you to understand, just trust me.” She looked up at his serious face, wondering. His smile wavered slightly as he said, “We’re leaving Kirtland and Joseph’s church just as soon as I can close up our affairs.”

  “Leave!” she gasped. “Leave the church and turn our backs on all that Joseph has taught us?” She was trembling, pressing her hands to her hot cheeks. “Mark, I can’t begin to understand the strange things you’ve been heaping on me. I don’t want you to quarrel with me about it, but can’t you see? I can’t leave the church. I—” she gulped and trembled. “I dare not. I’m fully convinced that I will plunge myself into the deepest hell were I to do so.”

  Mark saw the fear in her eyes. “Let’s just wait then, Jenny,” was all he said.

  One Sunday morning Nathaniel Taylor stood to his feet in the midst of Sabbath worship and waved his arm. “I’m for Zion!” he roared. “Everyone of like mind, prepare to go as soon as possible. Let’s clear the town and make the biggest wagon train ever seen.”

  For the first time in weeks, Jenny felt her heart lift. She knew it was impossible to deny the challenge. With a smile, she turned to Mark sitting beside her. She saw his slight frown and watched him move uneasily. Her heart sank and she sighed. The past weeks had been full of strain. She admitted that the strain was on her part. Mark had been a sweet, tender lover, a patient husband, an understanding friend. Patience and understanding often kept him silent these days when she could see he yearned to talk.


  While she couldn’t understand this new Mark, the man with the tender smile and infinite patience, she was beginning to notice an underlying strength in him. In the face of her petulance, he was unmoving. Painfully conscious that neither one of them dare yield position, they both skirted the issue Mark had introduced.

  Life resumed its old pattern, but there was a difference. Even while laughing together and loving, Jenny found herself desperately resisting this elusive new side of her husband.

  On the day Jenny admitted that her church hadn’t power to hold Mark, she finally acknowledged that which she had sensed all along. There was only one way she could win the struggle. Using charms and spells, Jenny redoubled her efforts to gain the power she so desperately needed to sway Mark completely under her control. And control him she must, or he would never consent to going to Missouri. With generous impartiality she prayed both to God and Luna, the moon goddess, begging help and favor.

  As Kirtland prepared the wagon train for the trek to Zion, Jenny watched the activity of the families around them. She saw the loaded wagons and empty houses. Meanwhile, Mark was bringing his business in Kirtland to a close. Still fearful of facing the issue of leaving, still hoping for a miracle, Jenny began to sort and pack their belongings.

  One day Sally Morgan came by. She surveyed the loaded barrels and said, “Mark’s informed us of his new beliefs.” The dismay was evident in her voice. “Reminds me of that Martin Harris. He’s off again looking for another church to join.” Jenny was stung by the comparison, but didn’t answer.

  Sally watched Jenny work, and finally she gave a heavy sigh. “Well, if he’s going his way, you’re welcome to join up with us. Andy can find a hand to drive for you.”

  Jenny threw the towels in a heap on the nearest trunk. “How can two people who love each other be separated by something as petty as religion?”

  “Petty?” Sally echoed. “You mean that’s the way you see your beliefs?”

  “No,” Jenny shivered. None of it was petty. At one time, Adela’s decree had bound her with paralyzing fear as she searched for power. Now fear entwined her with Joseph and the church. How could an innocent search for power and knowledge bind her in fear? And what did she really fear? Hell?

  Jenny thought about Mark and his new beliefs. Was hell the dark something lurking out there which had sent him seeking? If so, no wonder he was acting as he did!

  That evening when he came into the house and looked at the trunks and barrels, she saw the questions in his somber eyes. But she must ask him a question first. “Mark, is it because of the terrible fear that you are pulling me away from here?”

  “Fear? Jenny, my dear, my fear’s resolved. It’s because of truth I want this. Fear used to hold me, but not anymore.”

  She studied his face. He actually believed what he said. Anticipating the pain of further separation, she whispered, “Then you won’t mind that we go to Missouri? It is for fear that we must.”

  “Jenny!” In desperation he grabbed her, digging his fingers into her forearms, commanding attention. “You don’t understand!” He paused to steady his voice. “But you will someday. Until then, trust me. We must not go with Joseph.”

  “Someday,” she whispered back. “Mark, there’s no time to wait for someday. You’ve heard Joseph. Christ will be returning very soon and we must be in Zion waiting. There’s no time to waste. Joseph’s revelations say there will be destruction and death for all who refuse to accept the truth of this dispensation. All of the churches have been polluted; there is no other church with the truth. Joseph has shown us clearly that there is no other way.” Mark turned away.

  But now Jenny was caught by a clear, illuminated moment. Understanding suddenly dropped into her mind. Only by surrendering Mark would she have all things—and Mark, too. The key was obedience to the church. Before her loomed the promise of power. Joseph had said those words. Without power the dream could not be, and now the dream included Mark. Oh, how desperately it included Mark!

  She found herself whispering, “How blind, Mark, how blind can you be! Am I the only one who sees clearly?”

  Mark turned his ravaged face toward her. Their eyes met, and in another moment they were in each other’s arms. But even as Jenny lifted her lips and held him close, tears were streaming down her face. There was no turning back. The truth was very clear.

  In the end Jenny, white-faced and rigid in her new wagon with a hired teamster, prepared to leave. Mark, equally white-faced, stood helpless and confused as he watched his wife, ready to ride out of Kirtland with her share of their marriage in the wagon.

  And in the final moments, when it didn’t seem possible for another word to be said, while Mark leaned against the wagon wheel, a flock of geese flew overhead. The quiet of the dawn was broken as their wings beat the air. Both Jenny and Mark lifted their faces, hearing a note of desperation in that honking as the geese flew on.

  They watched the formation disappear into a tiny black check against the dawn. “Mark,” Jenny whispered and her face came close to his, “that’s just the way it is with me. I can do nothing other than go. I am compelled beyond my own personal desires, even the dearest longings of my heart. I prayed to understand my destiny, and I’m seeing it clearly.”

  The wagon train had just started to move when Mark walked away. He trudged through the silent streets, listening to the echo of his own footsteps. Old Matthew Lewis hailed him. “You’re a fool.” Lewis paused to spit contemptuously. “Joseph’s taught these women that if their husbands refuse to join them, then their marriages are null and void. For the Saints, there’s only one way—it’s living up to the laws and revelations given in this dispensation under the Prophet. This new church has the keys to the kingdom; there’s no other way.”

  Mark continued on to his lonely house. Still contemplating the half of his life that was left, he entered the house and witnessed Jenny’s final act. She had left food prepared for his first lonely meal. He looked at the bread and milk, the cut of roast beef and the still warm apple pie.

  Slowly he sat down and turned his back to the table. The door was open and he saw the shadow before he heard the knock. “I can’t believe it—Tom!” Mark’s lips moved woodenly as he got up to greet his brother-in-law.

  Tom looked around the kitchen with a bewildered expression. “They told me most of Kirtland is gone, that even the troublemakers are headed for Zion.” His eyes were wary. “Down at the stables, they gave me the story that my sister Jenny left her husband and has gone to Joseph’s Zion.”

  Mark studied Tom’s frowning face and shoved at a chair. “Look, you deserve a decent explanation. Sit down and eat this stuff while I talk.”

  Tom was eyeing the table as he said, “I met the wagon train just as I pulled into town. Didn’t have an idea Jenny was on it, or I’d have looked for her.”

  Mark watched Tom cut into the roast. “I guess the only way to make myself understood is to start at the beginning.” He noticed that Tom was picking at the meat in a half-hearted manner and he hunched his chair closer to his brother-in-law.

  “See, in the beginning,” he said, “back when Jenny and I were married, I didn’t give a fig for any kind of religion. I joined the church because I wanted your sister. Also, I intended to keep it that way. I suppose if this were just another church, I would have.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I wasn’t around Joseph long before I began to notice the blind adoration of his followers. I tried to ignore it, but I began to see an unquestioning obedience that bothered me. Somehow it all seemed wrong. I couldn’t reconcile it with what I’d been taught about God.”

  “Mark, face it. All religions are like this. People are scared to death of losin’ out and gettin’ kicked out of the church.” There was a touch of pride in his voice. “Joe inspires these people to give it their best if they want to make it in the hereafter.”

  “Is that it? I was beginning to think Joseph had some strange power over these people. Maybe i
t is fear. Fear of God and hell, of being left on the outside. At least Jenny talked like that. Tom, I’m seeing man’s mindless groping. I find myself wishing there could be more than one way to God.”

  Tom lifted his head and slowly put down his spoon. “What do you mean, Mark? What are you gettin’ at?”

  “I went to England as a missionary. About the first week out in the countryside, while I was trying to tell the people about the new religion and how this was the latest thing and how the Lord was coming soon and they’d better join up and go build up Zion, it hit me.

  “I saw those faces believing me and hanging on to every word. They were wanting what I had to offer. You should have seen them. Dirt-poor, without a chance of improving their lot. Sure, they were ready for anything sounding as good as Zion. But I was feeling bad about it. You see, I wasn’t the least convinced.”

  Tom winced. “So what did you do?”

  “I started reading the Bible. After all, the Mormons are supposed to believe that’s God’s Word, too.”

  “That’s right,” Tom nodded. “Brigham Young said he believed there was enough in the Bible to lead a man into finding salvation.”

  Mark paused and then continued, “Well, I decided to borrow Heber’s Bible and have a go at reading it.”

  “To be fair, you should have read the Book of Mormon.”

  “I have. I’ve also read the Prophet’s revelations and some of the other writings.” Mark paused and watched Tom eat Jenny’s apple pie. Finally Mark got to his feet and paced the kitchen.

  He was thinking about Tom’s statement. Confusion and excitement mingled in him and finally he sat in front of Tom again. “So Brig said that. Tom, have you read the Bible?” He shook his head and Mark continued, his excitement growing. “Tom, do you consider me a fairly intelligent person?”