by Leslie Scott
Then there was Devin. He had made us all better and at the end shown us all what it meant to be human. We would all make mistakes, as Devin, himself, had. We would still love each other, still love him, and always remember what he meant to us. Even as we had on those days when he’d forgotten how much we loved him.
There were other things too, about the fleeting moments of happiness I’d had with Jordan. Breanna was right, that kind of happiness couldn’t be duplicated with anyone else. Not for me and I doubted for Jordan either. The love I had for him was consuming, overwhelming, and made me stronger. Despite that, the thought of going to him, of forgiving him, scared me to death.
I wasn’t surprised to find Jordan walking toward me as I headed back in the direction of home. We were magnetic, always pulled to each other.
Nervous butterflies twisted my gut around, making each step perilous, as if I were a newborn colt on unsteady legs.
He was tall and broad, the black material of his shirt stretched across his chest, and his hands were tucked into his pockets. He wore his ball cap to defend against the sun, but no jacket to defend against the breeze. He didn’t move like he was chilled, somehow a primal part of me responded to that, licking its chops. That part of me would always respond to Jordan.
I willed myself not to tremble as he closed the distance between us. With a few sure strides, he pulled up in front of me and forced me to stop. Jordan was the unmovable force, a wall of irresistible male. I looked up at his face, noticing for the first time what Breanna had alluded to.
The love of a lifetime reflected back at me.
“You can’t fix what’s broken between us with an apology.” It hurt me to say it, especially when his sincerity was so obvious when unadulterated love shone on his face. “It would be easy to just accept it, to pretend nothing ever happened. If I do that I’m afraid it could fester. All of it could fester, for you and for me. That we’d end up resenting each other.”
Like a coward, I focused on the white toes of my Chucks. “That you’d end up resenting me.”
“Never.” His fingers were firm on my shoulders. “Why would I resent you? You’re the one good thing in my life since the old man died. You, Raelynn, always you. This, right now? Is a start.”
I couldn’t argue that with him.
“I can’t breathe without you, Raelynn.”
The peace I’d made, that my sister had shattered for me, was close enough for me to touch. I closed my eyes against the tidal wave of emotion, only his fingers brushing through my hair to steady me.
I could have my peace or I could embrace the storm.
“When Devin died.” I gulped in air before rushing on. “All I needed was you…you weren’t there, Jordan.”
“I know.” His lips were warm on my forehead, but I didn’t push him away. In his arms was the only place I’d ever really belonged. “I can’t take it back…I wish I could. All I can do is try to be better.”
I opened my eyes and my sight was immediately filled with him. He stood so close, he blocked the crisp autumn wind from hitting me. The smell of winter was on the wind, winter mixed with a scent I knew all too well. I reached to him and inhaled. Clean, male, and Jordan, it was home to me.
“I’m not weak,” I whispered as I placed my hands on his chest. “Loving you does not make me weak…”
“Raelynn.” He covered my hands with his. They were so large, warm from his pockets and calloused from long days cutting granite and long nights working on cars. Faint lines of grease formed around his nails. No amount of scrubbing would ever get rid of it. My dad’s hands still looked that way. I could love those hands for the rest of my life. “You’re the strongest person I know. I kept thinking that if it wasn’t for me, for decisions I made, that none of it would have happened. That if it wasn’t for me, Devin would still be alive, you wouldn’t be crying, none of it would have happened. If I let you go, you would be happier, safer. I couldn’t protect you because I couldn’t protect him.”
For Jordan, that was everything. At the heart of it, he was still that terrified little boy hiding in a dark room. He desired nothing more than the ability to shelter and protect all those he loved.
“What happened to Devin was a horrible accident, maybe it wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t been mad at us. But, Devin liked to take chances, he would have taken another one eventually. Blaming ourselves for something we couldn’t control is wasting precious time we have with those we love.” I was trying to comfort him but stopped myself with a sad smile. “I thought you blamed me, that you were ashamed of us. I don’t know if I could handle feeling that way again without it breaking me.”
The apparent shock hit him hard and fast, he balked, then blinked. “No, Rae. Never.” I pressed my face to his chest when he wrapped his arms around me. He held me like I’d wanted him to hold me since Devin died. “You’re the best part of me, you always have been. You’re my best friend, my reason for breathing, you’re everything, Raelynn. I’d never be ashamed of us.”
“Where have you been, Jordan?”
“In my own head,” he whispered against my hair, the heat of his breath caressing my neck. “Or drunk. There was a lot of that.”
He continued but still held me close. There wasn’t a force on this Earth that could make me pull from his embrace. I’d needed this, needed him, for longer than I cared to admit.
“When I saw you with Hunter, I snapped. Because all I’d thought about was you and how I’d made a mess of things, I could still see you crying at the hospital, still feel the way you shook with it. I saw the sadness when you left after the funeral, looking straight ahead like the world had broken. I thought Hunter was doing the things I couldn’t find the strength to do, myself. I’m sorry, Raelynn. God, I’m sorry.” He held me at arms’ length. His eyes shone with unshed tears, as if he were broken. My heart wanted nothing more than to fix him. “I thought,” he cleared his throat, “I thought you were with him.”
“No, Jordan, I tried someone other than you once. Look how well that worked out for me.” I tried to smirk but was pretty sure it was more of a grimace.
“That’s not funny,” he growled and pulled me to him again. “I can’t lose you, Rae, I can’t.”
“I know.” This was where I belonged. I couldn’t fight that, I’d known all along there’d never be anyone for me other than Jordan. “I can’t have you sleeping with someone else’s baby on your chest.”
“What?” he asked with a confused laugh, dropping his arms before he took his hat off and rubbed his head.
“Nothing.” I wrapped my arms around his middle, stealing strength from him. “This is all I needed you to do from the beginning.”
“I know,” he whispered against my hair, settling the cap back on his head and wrapping me in his arms. “I couldn’t, not then. I’m not any good at any of this. I’m going to make a lot more mistakes. But I’ll never make this one again, I swear it.”
Forgiveness came quickly. I’d avoided him so long because it would be this easy. Some part of me had known that all along. I’d had to heal, to work through it all and be angry. I had to grieve for more than Devin, I had to grieve for the girl I had been. Because, even with Jordan, I’d never be her again. I hadn’t come home to find myself again, I’d come home to make a new me.
I’d always known what I wanted. I had since I was a little girl. I needed him to know he wanted me as much. I needed to know he could love the person I’d become.
“Walk me home, Jordan.” He stopped me from walking away by cupping my face.
“Wait.” He kissed my lips and reminded me of all the things that mattered.
His mouth was gentle but tainted with an undeniable heat. Carefully urgent, his lips guided mine until they parted. His tongue, sweet and tasting faintly of whiskey, moved against mine, my entire body moved in a contented sigh. No man could ever compare to Jordan. He was mine and I was his. There was no one else.
One hand slid around to the back of my neck, guiding m
y head back to take the kiss deeper. Jordan kissed me until he’d claimed my very soul, until I was breathless and shaking, and could do nothing more than cling to his shirt.
“Jordan,” I whispered when we came up for air.
His laugh was a warm caress when I shivered with arousal.
“Yeah.” He held me close for a moment longer. “Me, too.”
I couldn’t help but blush, the evidence of his agreement pressed against my stomach. I laughed for the first time in a long time.
“Standing out here where my family can see us, might not be the best idea. My brother would black your eye again.”
“I’d let him.” He kissed my hair, my ear, his fingers caressing up and then back down my spine. “I did let him.”
“I noticed that.” I tilted my face up to his. Unlike Devin or Aiden, he wasn’t pretty. He was something more, ruggedly handsome with an edge.
He was mine.
“I deserved it.” He dropped a kiss to the tip of my nose. “I owe you one too. Want to take it now?”
“Nah, I’ll keep it in reserve for later.” Oh, how I’d missed the way his mouth curved when he smiled.
“Come on.” He took my hand and started toward home and our lives. We were stronger now, together, than we could have ever been apart.
Chapter Twenty-Six
It wasn’t until our homes came into view that I stopped walking. I didn’t want to go home, I wanted what I’d always wanted—Jordan.
He pulled up short beside me and brought my knuckles to his lips. There was a question in his eyes. I could answer willingly, it was an answer I needed more than anything, maybe even more than he did.
“I don’t want to go home, Jordan.” The breeze rustled in the trees and blew my hair back from my face. It took with it the uncertainty in my voice.
“Then don’t.” He kissed my knuckles once more and started across the ditch that led to his house.
There was an ease to the way he moved that was unusual for a guy with his bulk. But Jordan had always been that way, as if he were constantly aware that he was bigger than most, stronger than most. He didn’t need to pretend to be because he was. The way he moved was one of the sexiest things in the world. There was nothing awkward about it, the way some guys were. Every step was full of purpose and efficiently taken. Yet, he walked without a care in the world.
“Stop.” I breathed the word, so quietly I didn’t think he would hear it.
He did and looked down at me. My stomach was in knots and my heart in my throat. Weeks of fear, anger, and grief all pushed at my chest in a desperate battle to be free. I needed to feel again, even if it meant freeing all those emotions at once. I needed the sun to shine only for me, even if it meant embracing the storm that was my love for Jordan.
Jordan was the man who could give me all those things.
I needed him to understand that I wasn’t something he could toss away on a whim. “I love you, Jordan Slater. Since the first time I saw you, it has been and will always be you.”
“You were, what, six?” He laughed with no animosity.
“Yup, but it was you. Preteen girls have posters of boy bands and actors, I had a poster of a Malibu and a picture of my brother’s best friend hidden in my nightstand.” I kicked at a brown leaf that had already fallen to the ground. “I loved you before I even knew what it meant.”
When he opened his mouth to speak, I stopped him with a shaking outstretched hand. “I need you to listen to me for a minute before we go inside.” I fought back tears that made me feel like a little girl. “I am not weak, I don’t need a lot of things from this life. The one thing I need is for you to love me as much as I love you. If you don’t, if you can’t, none of it really matters.” And if he didn’t, I wasn’t sure how I could go on. I couldn’t live here anymore. I couldn’t watch him go on with someone else.
Jordan slid down to his knees in the grass at my feet. He pressed his face against my stomach so tenderly I didn’t know what to do. I struggled for breath somewhere between embarrassment and adoration. His eyes were softer, different than I’d ever seen them before.
“I’ve never been on my knees for anyone, Raelynn. And I won’t, not for anyone else. I love you. I’m a simple man, I don’t have a lot of words or descriptions. I can’t sugarcoat anything to make it sound better. I love you. Probably more than you realize, but less than I know you deserve. But I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to prove it to you. Losing Devin cost me a lot, but losing you?” He swallowed hard. “It would cost me everything I am.”
“Get up.” I laughed and cried at the same time. “This is so dumb, I’m so dumb, get up.”
“Give me a minute.” He pressed his face against my stomach and wrapped his arms around my thighs. “Say it again.”
“What?” I swiped the tears with the back of my hand.
“That you love me.”
“I love you, Jordan. Jesus, everyone knows that.”
He moved quickly, standing up and sweeping me into his arms. He carried me back to the house, it was silly, but it made my heart flutter.
We were both flushed and laughing by the time he sat me down on the back deck and pushed open the door behind me. The look in his eyes mirrored the overwhelming sense of adoration that filled me body and soul.
Yet, there was something beneath the surface. Something hotter, that spoke more to my body. An edge, a dangerous promise of what he could give me.
“Love me.” I gasped when his hands slipped beneath my shirt and up the soft skin of my belly.
Jordan responded with a searing kiss that rocked me to the core. I clung to him, a whimpering mess, while he kissed me senseless. Vaguely, in the back of my mind, I knew when he kicked the door shut. Before I so much as blinked, he was pulling his hoodie and my shirt up over my head and tossing them to the floor in his bedroom.
I had no idea how we got there, nor did I care.
“Touch me.” I shivered as I said it, as he parted from me just long enough to pull his shirt over his head. His clothes, too, were left on the floor.
I stroked my fingertips over the long-healed wounds that littered his chest. Those scars made a man who wasn’t as sure of himself as he wanted everyone to believe but would fight tooth and nail for what he loved. He’d fight for me, had fought for me. We’d both make mistakes. From here on out, we’d make them together.
“I thought you wanted me to touch you?” His hushed voice vibrated through his chest to my fingers. His thumbs brushed over my bra, across the swollen buds that protested against their silk trappings.
“You are.” I gasped and arched, his grin was as maddening as his touch.
Jordan kissed my lips, my cheek, and then lower. Each kiss was more intimate, bringing me closer to the edge of reason. He moved lower with each kiss. I was trembling as he kissed across the rise of my breasts, across the nipples he’d teased, and lower still. He knelt when he reached my stomach and his kisses lingered longer, the heat of his mouth warming me all the way through.
I ran my hands across the short stubble of dark hair that covered his head and still he moved lower, pushing my jeans down to my feet before hooking his thumbs into hem of my panties.
Dark, lust-filled eyes stared up at me for one breathtaking moment.
Then without warning, he jerked the lace and silk down my thighs and gave me a gentle nudge onto the bed.
From his knees on the floor he loved me. His lips taunted my inner thighs and left me gripping the covers of a bed that smelled of him. Molten heat flooded through me from my core to my face, leaving my skin tingling.
I begged wordlessly as I thrashed. Jordan’s tongue and lips moved ever closer to something I could scarcely believe I wanted. Yet, I wanted it so badly I ached for it.
When he claimed me in the most intimate way possible, I came undone. Mine was an instantaneous and complete surrender. He tossed me over the edge with a maddening mix of his tongue and his lips. I writhed on the bed as I screamed his name
. I rushed headlong into my own release…but still, he didn’t stop.
His body didn’t move to cover mine until I could do nothing but tremble and gasp for breath. With his finger and thumb, he turned my chin so that I looked straight at him as he hovered above me. I gasped again as he slipped inside me, his eyes never leaving mine. I clung to him as if he was my salvation. In many ways, in that moment, he was.
It was a long time after he collapsed on top of me before either of us moved. Even then, it was Jordan that rolled off me and went to get a towel.
He cleaned us both up before I wrapped myself in the clean sheets that still managed to smell like him. I was wrapped in his warmth and strength, pure happiness engulfed me. Even with all the heartache, all the pain, this life of ours was worth it.
“Make-up sex is the best.” Contented and cat-like, I stretched against him.
“Then feel free to get mad at me every day, so we can do this every night.” He nipped my ear.
The thought of Jordan touching me every night was almost too exciting to comprehend. Speechless, I chewed on my lip.
“Stay,” he said softly. “Stay here with me, every night. If Devin dying taught me anything”—he held me close—“it’s that life is too short to wait around for what you want. I want you here, every morning when I wake up and every night when I close my eyes. We can have a home, not just a house. I want you…us.”
On that, I couldn’t disagree. It was scary, for sure, but it was the life I’d always dreamed of. There would be bumps in the road, but they’d all be worth it. I intertwined my fingers with his as I answered. “Okay.”
We fell asleep, my body spooned against his. I’d had everything I wanted and had it snatched from me. I wasn’t going to let that happen again.
When I woke, the sun had risen high in the sky and Jordan wasn’t in bed. It was only a few days before the second running of SKS. If he wasn’t in bed and the house was quiet, odds were he was in the shop, working on his car.