Of Love & Regret

by S. H. Kolee

  “I’m sorry, Adam, but I still need more time. Can I give you a call this weekend?”

  “You seriously need until the weekend?” He sounded affronted by the length of time I was asking for, and I had to suppress the urge to snap at him.

  “This is one of the most important decisions of my life. I really need a few days to think it over.”

  “Okay, Madison, I’ll give you until the weekend, but don’t think I’ll wait forever.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” My voice rose, and I couldn’t hide my ire. “I didn’t realize there was a time limit on the proposal. It’s not like I’m asking for a year to think about it. It’s just a few days!”

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” he said in a placating voice. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m just anxious about what the answer will be.”

  I took a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to get frustrated with you. Just give me a few days. That’s all I’m asking for.”

  “Of course.”

  We ended the phone call on good terms, but I was still aggravated by his pushiness. I decided to shelve any thoughts about his proposal until tomorrow. I had enough on my plate for today.

  I ended up eating leftovers from last night’s Chinese for lunch, although I barely tasted it as it went down. I kept my cell phone close to me and even took it with me when I went to the bathroom, afraid that I would miss Logan’s call.

  Waiting for his call, combined with trying to suppress memories of Cassie’s death, was making me extremely jittery. My jitteriness transitioned into despair the later it got as I realized there was a good chance that I wouldn’t hear from him. Maybe the damage that had been done to our friendship was irreparable, and I had lost him for good.

  That realization, coupled with memories of Cassie that I couldn’t seem to keep at bay, pushed me even deeper into an almost debilitating depression. I wanted to cry, to sob out my feelings of sorrow and grief to release some of the tension, but my eyes stayed dry. Instead, the ache in my chest grew until it was almost unbearable.

  I struggled against the memory of Cassie’s death, not wanting to remember, but it refused to be ignored. As I had done every year since our junior year of college, I relived her death as if it were happening all over again.

  I checked my watch as I hurried home from class. Talking to my English professor about my paper had taken longer than I had anticipated, and now I would be late. I had promised Cassie I would be back to our dorm room by five o’clock so we could make the five-thirty showing of the latest chick flick at the local theater, but now we were in danger of missing the movie.

  I walked quickly, trying to shield myself with my arm from the fat raindrops that were starting to come down. I cursed myself for not bringing an umbrella. It was only beginning to rain, but the intensity was building, and I didn’t doubt that in a few minutes it would become a downpour.

  I ran the last few steps to our dorm building as the sky opened up to drench me. Once I was inside, I pushed the button for the elevator more times than necessary, shivering from the cold of the rain. When the elevator finally arrived, I stepped in and shifted from one foot to the other restlessly, silently urging the elevator to move faster. There was nothing I hated more than arriving late for a movie and having to strain in the dark for vacant seats.

  The elevator doors opened with a ding when it reached our floor. When I got to our dorm room, I turned the doorknob only to find it locked. I frowned, thinking it was strange since we usually left it unlocked if one of us was in the room.

  I knocked on the door since it would be easier than digging for my keys in my wet clothes, but there was no answer. I sighed heavily, thinking that maybe Cassie had fallen asleep while waiting for me. She slept like the dead, and it was nearly impossible to wake her up.

  I fumbled inside my bag for my keys, cursing all the junk in it. I made a mental note to clean it out.

  “Finally,” I muttered as my fingers closed around the cool metal of the keys. I hurriedly unlocked the door and pushed it open, stepping inside.

  The door opened directly to my side of the room and I dropped my bag on the floor next to my desk. I glanced at Cassie’s side of the room and saw that she was indeed in bed with her back turned towards me, facing the wall.

  “Cassie, wake up!” I said loudly as I checked my appearance in the mirror hanging above my dresser. My hair was drenched from the rain, and I looked like a drowned mouse. I would barely have time to change. I glanced at Cassie’s reflection in the mirror, but she was still fast asleep.

  “Wake up! We’re going to be late for the movie!” I said even louder, but she still didn’t move a muscle. I sighed as I walked over to jostle her awake. I had spent many mornings trying to wake her up so she wouldn’t be late for class.

  “Cassie.” I grasped her shoulder and gently shook her. She fell back so that she was lying flat on the bed, and in that one moment, my whole world changed.

  Deep gashes had been slashed vertically from her wrists to halfway down her forearms. All I could see was red. The red of the blood covering her arms; the red of her blood-soaked clothes and the mattress beneath her; the red on my hands as I futilely scrabbled to put pressure on her wounds to try to stop the bleeding. Her eyes were closed, far removed from the death scene she had created.

  I heard wailing that sounded almost inhuman, as if an animal was being slaughtered. Only later would I realize that the sounds had come from me. The next few moments were a blur as I screamed through the open door of our room for help as I grabbed my cell phone from my bag and frantically dialed 9-1-1.

  Everything I touched turned red. The wall that I grasped to hold myself up as I begged the operator to send an ambulance as fast as possible; my phone that I was gripping so tightly that it was cutting into my fingers; the edge of the bed cover as I sank to my knees and frantically followed the directions of the operator who was trying to help me save Cassie.

  I was vaguely aware of the cries and sobs of people behind me as they gathered to witness Cassie’s death. I was too distraught trying to save her life to notice, not realizing that it was an impossible feat.

  A shuddering sob wracked my body as I closed my eyes against the images, but the darkness of my mind only made them more vivid. It had already been too late by the time the paramedics had arrived; she was already gone.

  I had experienced a paradigm shift that day. Life had always been filled with endless possibilities, and I had been so sure of certain truths. I trusted my instincts and believed that people were who they showed themselves to be. I believed that the happy, confident people of this world would lead happy, confident lives. I never doubted that having a bright future was a right, not a privilege.

  All those beliefs had been crushed that day. I realized how precarious life was and that happiness was often just an illusion to hide the most damaged hearts. The hardest lesson I learned that day was about myself. I wasn’t who I believed I was, who I hoped to be. I had built my character on trust, loyalty and integrity, but it had been built on a foundation of sand. That day, I had promised myself I would spend the rest of my life trying to make up for my sins.

  My heart ached in present day and I felt utterly alone as I sat in my apartment. I was bitterly disappointed that Logan hadn’t reached out to me, but I realized that it was only right. I didn’t deserve the comfort of his presence when I had betrayed Cassie again with a kiss.

  Day turned into night, and my melancholy deepened with the darkening sky. I stopped watching my phone, not caring whether Logan contacted me anymore. I took a double dose of sleeping pills and went to bed, praying that my sleep would be a dreamless one.

  Chapter Nine

  Getting out of bed on Friday was a feat in itself. I had to remind myself multiple times that I had a deadline to meet for my article, and l couldn’t hide from real life just because of the guilt weighing heavily on me.

  The thought of taking a shower was overwhelming, so I just washed my face, ran a perfunctory t
oothbrush in my mouth, and got to work. I was bleary-eyed when I finished, and I was sure it was far from my best, but I heaved a sigh of relief when I was able to email the article to my boss.

  It was almost three o’clock in the afternoon by the time I was done. I resented the sunlight streaming through my windows, wishing that the weather matched my despondent mood. I decided the best thing to do was to go back to bed, and I trudged to my room and crawled underneath the covers.

  I was exhausted from the emotions roiling inside me and was able to fall asleep easily. The next thing I knew, I was jarred from a deep sleep by pounding on the door to my apartment. I was disoriented as I rubbed my eyes and checked the time. I couldn’t believe that I had been asleep for almost four hours and it was already dark outside.

  The pounding on the door sounded again.

  “What the hell,” I muttered as I dragged myself out of bed. My brain was still half-asleep as I made my way to the front door, turning on the lights along the way. I didn’t immediately register who I saw on the other side when I peered through my peephole. My hand, which had been about to unlock the deadbolt, froze when my brain caught up with my eyes. What the hell was Logan doing here?

  “Madison, I can hear you on the other side of the door. I saw the lights turn on through the crack of the doorway. Don’t even think about pretending you’re not home.”

  I jumped guiltily at the sound of his voice. That was exactly what I had been contemplating.

  I took a deep breath before opening the door. I wasn’t sure why Logan was here, but not letting him in would only result in my neighbors wondering why a lunatic was banging down my door.

  Despite all my reservations, I hungrily drank in the sight of him when I opened the door. I didn’t miss the dark circles under his eyes or the lines of fatigue on his face, but he was still as beautiful as ever. Even with an angry expression.

  “You didn’t have to try to break down my door,” I said caustically, pushing aside the flicker of pleasure by his arrival. “Knocking like a normal person would have sufficed. How did you get inside my building anyway? I didn’t buzz you up.”

  “Someone was leaving the building right when I arrived.” Logan raised an eyebrow. “Are you going to let me in?”

  “Talk about crappy building security,” I muttered. I remained in the doorway, not letting him come in. I didn’t know if I was emotionally prepared to deal with him right now. “What are you doing here?”

  “I don’t want to talk about this in the hallway.”

  My mouth opened to protest, but before I could utter a word, he gently but firmly grasped my shoulders and pushed me back as he stepped inside my apartment. He had already closed the door behind him by the time I was able to voice my objections. “I don’t remember inviting you in!”

  My aggravation grew when he ignored me and stalked into the living room. He turned around to face me, and I was suddenly aware of the coiled tension in his body as he watched me. I almost felt like I was prey being tracked by a predator, and I faltered, stopping several feet away from him.

  “I ran into Emily tonight during a client dinner.” His hair was already mussed as if he had run his fingers through it several times, and he confirmed it by raking his hand through it once again as he watched me.

  “Okay,” I said slowly, not understanding what this was leading to. “I didn’t realize that was important enough for you to storm into my apartment to let me know.”

  Logan made an attempt at a smile, but it was more of a grimace. “She was under the impression that everything is fine between us.”

  I was growing impatient with this. “So what?” I hadn’t wanted to explain the mess to Emily, especially since I had enough to discuss with her with Adam’s proposal, so I had told her everything was still good between Logan and me. The thought of Adam’s proposal sparked a thought, and with growing horror, I realized that Emily could have mentioned it to Logan if she assumed he already knew about it.

  “So she happened to mention how conflicted you were about Adam’s proposal. She was wondering what my opinion of it was.”

  The distance between Logan and I diminished quickly as he stalked closer to me, and I had to resist the urge to step back. “That’s why you’re here? It’s none of your business.” I tried to make my voice nonchalant, but anxiety was mounting as Logan came closer. His jaw was tight and his blue eyes were stormy.

  “I beg to differ. It is my business. Everything that has to do with you is my business.”

  “Are you crazy?” Instead of a barb, it was a genuine question. I was confused by his intensity and the possessiveness I saw in his expression.

  “I’m crazy for sitting by for the last three years, just hoping you’d come to your senses on your own. When I first got into contact with you again, you were just starting to date that moron, and I thought it would fizzle out on its own before it really began. Instead, you let him latch onto you, and I’ve been stuck humoring that idiot for three years, waiting for you to realize he was wrong for you.”

  I gaped at him, shocked by what he was saying. Although he had revealed his true feelings about our platonic friendship when we had fought at the Brooks’ home, I had no idea how far-reaching it was. It was hard to believe that he had been harboring these feelings for three years. For so long, I had truly thought he was content to be just friends.

  He narrowed his eyes. “Now you’re actually considering spending the rest of your life with this guy. I should be the one asking if you’re crazy.”

  I was jarred out of my stupor by his biting words. “Despite what you may think, this is none of your business. My relationship with Adam, and whether or not I marry him, has nothing to do with you. You knew from the beginning that I wanted nothing but friendship from you. It’s not my fault that you wanted otherwise this whole entire time.”

  Logan grabbed my shoulders, his grip almost painful as his eyes bored into mine. “Tell me there’s nothing between us. Tell me you feel nothing for me besides friendship and I’ll disappear from your life, and you can ride off into the sunset with that fucking asshole.”

  It should be easy to tell him exactly that to get rid of him. Reliving Cassie’s death yesterday had reinforced the fact that I didn’t deserve to have him in my life. I barely deserved his friendship, let alone the chance to pursue something more. My brain ordered my mouth to say the words, to tell him that there was nothing between us, but my voice wouldn’t cooperate.

  I saw a flare of triumph in his eyes when I remained silent, and his head lowered with purpose. I staggered back before he could kiss me, freeing myself from his grasp in a panic. Even if I couldn’t say the words out loud, I knew I could never allow myself to cross that line with him again.

  “We can’t,” I choked out. “You know why. Don’t you even remember what yesterday was?”

  Logan briefly closed his eyes, and his jaw worked like he was trying to get control of his emotions. When he opened his eyes again, he looked calmer but no less intense.

  “Madison, of course I remember what yesterday was. It was difficult to not contact you, but I didn’t think you’d welcome it. It was a hard day for me, too, but how long are you going to hold yourself responsible for Cassie’s death? It’s been eight years. It’s time to forgive yourself. Don’t get me wrong. I know how hard it is. I tortured myself for a long time afterwards, trying to think of what I could have done to save her. In the end, I truly believe nothing we could have done would have made a difference.”

  A rage and sorrow that I didn’t even know was building inside me burst, and in that moment I hated Logan as much as I hated myself.

  “What the hell are you talking about?” I cried out, my voice ragged with emotion. “We killed her! You were her fucking boyfriend who cheated on her! And I’m the one you cheated with! Why do you think she killed herself? Because she realized that the two people she cared about most in the world betrayed her! We may as well have slit her wrists for her.”

  Tears strea
med down my face, and I desperately tried to control my sobs, but I couldn’t muffle the voice inside my head. You killed her, it accused tauntingly. You killed her, and you can never forgive yourself for it. You’ll spend the rest of your life hating yourself because that’s what you deserve.

  Logan’s face had turned ashen and he shook his head. “Maddie, no. She didn’t know. That’s not why she killed herself.”

  “How do you know?” I screamed, no longer able to keep the sobs at bay as despair wracked my body. “Why else would she have ended her life?”

  Logan raised an arm to reach out to me, but I instinctively flinched, not wanting him to touch me. His hand dropped and I saw a mixture of sorrow and guilt on his face.

  “I’m sure she didn’t know. How could she? We have no idea why she killed herself. She didn’t leave a note explaining why she did it. She wasn’t the happy-go-lucky person she tried to make everyone believe she was. She had bouts of depression she never told anyone about. I only knew because she couldn’t hold it in anymore, and one day, she broke down in front of me. I had no idea it would lead to suicide.” Logan’s voice broke as he continued to speak. “Do you know how much I beat myself up afterwards? I should have said something to someone. To you or her parents. I should have gotten her help, but I just didn’t think it was that bad. She made me promise not to tell anyone.”

  I shook my head, not wanting to believe I could have known so little about my best friend. “No. That’s not possible. We were friends for ten years. We practically spent every day together. How could I not know something like that?”

  “Because she didn’t want you to know. She hid it from you. She hid it from everyone. I just happened to be there the one day she couldn’t hide it.”

  “She knew I’d be the one to find her.” My voice was shaking and barely audible. “She planned it that way. We were supposed to go to the movies that day and she knew I’d be home right after my last class. She locked the door so no one could enter our room except me. She made sure I’d be the one to find her. To punish me. To show me I was responsible. Why else would she do that unless she had known about us?”