by S. H. Kolee
He turned on the lamp next to my bed, and I almost asked him to turn it off. Maybe this would be easier if we couldn’t see each other. The thought disappeared as he pressed me into the bed with the weight of his body.
“Let me love you.”
No vocabulary existed to express how those four words affected me, so I decided to let my body show him how badly I wanted him. He caught my mouth in a fierce kiss, and I eagerly slid my hands underneath his shirt, reveling in the warm muscles of his broad back. A shudder went through me when his mouth slowly trailed warm kisses down my neck as his hands pushed my shirt up. I arched my back to give him access to unhook my bra, but he just continued to kiss his way down to my belly button. My breasts were already heavy with arousal and straining against my bra, and I was desperate to feel his mouth and hands on them.
I almost sighed with relief when his mouth drifted up again. My hard nipples were clearly evident through my bra, and I moaned when he scraped his teeth against one aroused nub. The thin material of my bra seemed to heighten the sensation, and I strained towards him, silently asking for more. I cried out in satisfaction when he took the hard nipple into his mouth. I threaded my hands in his hair, urging him on although he needed no encouragement. I could feel the wetness of his tongue laving against me as if the fabric between my breast and the heat of his mouth didn’t exist.
I looked down at him, finding the sight of him sucking on my nipple through my bra insanely erotic. He kept his eyes on mine as he pulled the cup of my bra down to bare my breast. My nipple was achingly sensitive and the flick of his tongue against my naked flesh made me whimper. When he took it between his teeth and pulled gently but firmly, I felt the sensation shoot straight through me, and I was unable to suppress my cry.
“I love hearing the sounds you make,” he murmured. Before I could even try to put my thoughts in order to form a reply, he latched onto the nipple again, taking it deep into his mouth and sucking hard.
“Oh God, don’t stop,” I pleaded, amazed at how his mouth on my breast could drive me so crazy. Logan pulled down the cup of my bra on my other breast and showed it the same attention. My nipples had always been sensitive, but I had never been so close to the edge just by having them sucked on. My body was flushed, and I felt hot and restless. I wanted to feel his skin against mine so I pulled at his shirt impatiently. I was rewarded by Logan lifting himself up momentarily to pull his shirt over his head and tossing it on the floor. My shirt and bra soon followed suit, and he leaned back to study me, his blue eyes intent.
I glanced down to see what he saw. My swollen breasts were tipped with dusky rose nipples that were clearly erect and wet from the ministrations of his mouth. A tinge of pink was evident where his mouth had suckled me, and I felt a thrill at seeing the evidence of his passion.
I reached up, gliding my hands against his warm chest, feeling a sudden urge to take my turn in tasting him. I slid my hands around to his back and pulled him down towards me, lifting my head to kiss the muscled planes of his chest. My tongue crept out to taste his warm flesh and his muscles jumped reflexively, encouraging me to continue. He groaned when my hands drifted lower to cup the hard length that was clearly evident through his jeans.
“Not so fast,” he said, catching my hands in his and moving them off. “If you keep that up I won’t be able to take my time.”
I pouted, wanting to touch him at my leisure, but that thought was soon forgotten when he pushed the heel of his hand between my legs. The pressure of it against my aching core made me lift my hips to push against it. I wanted more.
“I can already tell you’re wet,” he said, his voice thick with desire. “I can’t wait to taste you.”
His words were almost too much to bear, and I had to refrain from begging him to hurry as he unbuttoned my jeans and slowly unzipped them. I eagerly helped him pull them off so that I was wearing nothing but my panties.
I gasped when he trailed his thumb down the thin strip of fabric between my legs before letting it drift back up until it was on my swollen clit. I cried out when he pressed against it, teasing me. I pushed down against his thumb and bucked my hips, desperate for more.
“Please,” I moaned, not really aware of what I was saying. “I need more.”
“Shh,” he said as if I were a wild animal he was trying to soothe. “All in good time.” He anchored my hips against the bed with one hand so that I couldn’t shift while he continued his pleasurable torment. I mewled when he flicked his thumb against my engorged bud. I wanted him to never stop, yet at the same time, I didn’t know how much more teasing I could take.
I almost sobbed in relief when he lowered his head and took my throbbing clit into his mouth, sucking on it through the satiny fabric of my panties. I wasn’t able to make any sound at all when he pushed the fabric aside and I finally felt his hot mouth on my bare flesh.
I grabbed the covers, and my hands fisted the fabric as my body arched off the bed. Logan pulled down my panties so that I was completely naked, and then wasted no time in burying his head between my legs again.
I made a choked sound, and my head thrashed restlessly from side to side as his tongue swept up the length of my cleft and then down again. When he pushed his tongue into my wetness, he had to pin my hips against the bed because my body was undulating so wildly.
His mouth moved up again to focus on my swollen and aching clit, and I felt the pressure of a finger pushing inside me. I was lost in the moment, my existence nothing more than a mess of sensations that were pleasurable almost to the point of pain.
“Logan,” I called out desperately when I felt him push another finger inside me as he continued to lave and suck at my clit. I didn’t want him to stop but I also didn’t know how much more I could take.
He thrust his fingers in and out of me as the pressure of his mouth increased. He paid no attention to me calling out his name. I didn’t even know if he heard me. He was too intent on what he was doing, and I doubted anything could stop him.
Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, the tension that was mounting inside me snapped, and I cried out as waves of sharp pleasure wracked my body. Logan continued to use his mouth and hands on me as my body shuddered unrelentingly. I didn’t know how much time had passed when my body collapsed against the bed as the last of the sensations ebbed away, leaving me feeling weak and boneless.
Logan finally lifted himself and moved up, his expression full of pure male satisfaction and open lust. His mouth and chin gleamed from my wetness and I found it intensely erotic when he caught my lips in a deep kiss. Tasting myself on him made even more wetness flood between my legs, and I was surprised that I could still be so aroused after the intense climax I had just experienced.
I was eager to pleasure him as much as he had just pleasured me, so I moved my hands down to undo his jeans. He obliged by helping me take his jeans and underwear off until he was completely naked. I remembered the way my eyes had widened, partly in admiration and partly in fear, when I had first seen him naked so many years ago. Even now, he was still the largest man I had ever been with, and it was with some amazement that I stroked his length, reveling in its velvety hardness. I was rewarded by his shaft jerking in response, and I made a move to lower myself, wanting to taste him just like he had tasted me.
“Later,” Logan said, his voice hoarse. “Right now I need to be inside you.”
I opened my mouth to object, but all that came out was a whimper when I felt the head of his hard length pushing against my softness. Despite the pleasure that went through me, I had a moment’s hesitation.
“Uh, I’m not sure it’s going to fit,” I said, flushing in embarrassment. Logan let out a choked laugh.
“I promise I’ll take it slow,” he said gruffly. “Just let me set the pace.”
I moaned as he slid the head of his erection up and down against my wet cleft, making me arch my hips to meet him. On a stroke down, he stopped and pushed gently against my entrance until the head of his
erection was just inside me. I was growing impatient and I raised my hips higher, urging him on. More of his length pushed inside me, and I gasped, partly in pleasure and partly because of how stretched I felt. His arms were strained as he held himself above me, and he closed his eyes, his teeth gritted. When he opened them again, he looked faintly amused despite the harsh desire on his face.
“I thought I was setting the pace. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I don’t care,” I said, desperate to be filled by him. “I need you inside me.”
Logan made a sound that was a cross between a curse and prayer, and he pushed deeper inside, losing the internal battle to take it slow. Even though I was wet and ready for him, it was still uncomfortable as he pushed me to my limits, and I couldn’t suppress a small sound of pain. Logan froze, his jaw clenched as he look down at me, his expression strained.
“Shit, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
As I looked up at him, I felt like my heart was going to burst with emotions I couldn’t contain any longer. I didn’t know whether it was wrong or right, but at that moment I knew I couldn’t lie to myself any longer. Logan could never be just a friend to me. I cared about him too deeply, and I couldn’t imagine feeling this way with any other man. I wanted to blurt out that I loved him, but I stopped myself. Even with the emotions running through me, I knew those were words I could never take back and I couldn’t trust that they were actually true or if I was just caught up in the moment. I reassured myself that there would be plenty of time later to figure out my feelings.
“I’m fine,” I said with a teary smile, feeling a little foolish for getting so emotional.
“Then what’s wrong?” he asked, his expression becoming even more concerned when he saw the overflowing emotions that I couldn’t contain. “I must be hurting you.” He made a move to pull out which was the last thing I wanted. I stopped him by grabbing his waist.
“You’re not hurting me. I’m just really happy right now,” I confessed. I reached up to stroke the tense line of his jaw. “You make me happy.”
Logan groaned in response, and he bucked his hips forward, seemingly almost involuntarily, and pushed himself deeper inside me. I gasped and wrapped my legs around his waist, opening myself completely to him, urging him on. He shuddered as he sank deeper until he was completely sheathed inside me. It took me a moment to get used to the feeling of him completely filling me, then an instinctive need took over, and I shifted my hips restlessly. He took that as his cue and slowly pulled out almost completely before thrusting into me again.
My back bowed sharply, and soon I was aware of nothing but the intense, driving pleasure between my legs. Logan was relentless as he plunged into me again and again, gripping my hips almost painfully as he held them captive for his endless thrusts. Nothing existed except the sounds of our mating and the pure pleasure coursing through my body.
Logan moved one hand to stroke my clit and that sensation coupled with his hard shaft invading my softness over and over again was too much and I felt myself spiral out of control again. I choked out his name as my body convulsed with an intense orgasm that seemed to last forever.
Through the haze of sensations, I heard him say my name and then I felt him spasm inside me as he found his own release. I opened my eyes to watch him, drinking in the sight of his strained face and clenched jaw as his body shuddered above me.
When he collapsed on top of me, I wrapped my arms around him, feeling protective of him after witnessing him in such a vulnerable state.
It took me a few moments to catch my breath and come back to full consciousness, and then I became aware of how uncomfortably heavy Logan was on top of me. His eyes were closed and I couldn’t help admiring how long and full his lashes were, in juxtaposition to his singularly masculine face. He was breathing evenly like he was asleep, and I wondered how I would get him off me without his help.
I shifted slightly, trying to maneuver myself out from under him, when his blue eyes fluttered open. We were so close that I could see the black rims around his irises, and I swallowed, trying not to show how awkward I felt now that we were no longer in the throes of passion.
Logan gave me a lazy smile, not looking discomfited in the least. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“Um, I can’t breathe with you on top of me.”
It wasn’t the most romantic thing to say, but I was relieved when Logan rolled over so that he was lying next to me. I suppressed a squeak of surprise when he reached out and pulled me over by my waist so that I was pressed against his side with one of my legs splayed on top of his. I stared into his neck as his hand softly brushed up and down my back. I’m sure the motion was meant to be soothing, but in my heightened state of awkwardness, it just made me even more aware of how totally out of my element I was right now. Logan seemed to think that what had happened was completely natural, but it changed the entire dynamic between us, and I wasn’t sure how to act now. We had gone from friends to combatants to lovers in the blink of an eye, and I wasn’t sure what that meant. Although this was the second time we had been intimate, the first time had been eight years ago, when we were just kids in college. I shut down that train of thought as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to think about the past and Cassie. It would only confuse me more.
“What are you thinking about?” Logan asked softly as he continued to caress my back.
“That this is the last thing I expected to happen today,” I said. “Just a couple of days ago, I thought we would never see each other again, and now this.” I waved my hand to indicate us lying in bed with our bodies intertwined. “And before that, we were only friends. It’s just so sudden.”
“I’m not sure if I’d consider three years sudden, but I know what you mean,” Logan replied drily. His voice became serious as he continued. “Are you okay with it? With what just happened between us?”
I took a moment to think it over before I answered. My emotions were so tangled up right now, but I knew that I couldn’t regret what had just happened between us. It had felt so right and good, and I couldn’t imagine never being close to Logan like this again. Yet, I could already feel the guilt seeping in despite my efforts to ignore it. I wished that the pure and uncomplicated emotions I had experienced earlier could last beyond the throes of lovemaking, but the reality of our situation made it impossible. Maybe if I just tried to forget about Cassie, I could come to terms with being with Logan. The thought made me feel awful but it seemed like the only way.
“I’m okay with it,” I replied. “I just…” I trailed off, trying to choose my words carefully. “I need to keep Cassie out of this. Thinking about her makes me feel guilty, like we’re doing something wrong.” Logan opened his mouth to reply, but I continued talking before he could say anything. “I know you believe that we weren’t responsible for what happened in the past, but that’s something I can’t be so sure of. There can’t be anything between us as long as Cassie’s memory is in the way.” My voice dropped. “I know this makes me sound like a horrible person, but a part of me just wants to forget about Cassie. If I can forget about her, I can forget about her death, too. And then just maybe I can believe that I deserve a shot at happiness.”
A deep shame settled in the pit of my stomach at my words. How could I want to forget someone that I had loved so much for almost half my life? Yet, I knew I could never forgive myself for being responsible for her death, so maybe trying to forget her was the only way I could go on with my life. More importantly, it would prevent me from having to push Logan away.
Logan was silent for a while before he answered. When he did speak, his voice was hesitant. “I’m not sure that’s the best idea. I know how close you and Cassie were. It’s probably not very healthy to try to forget someone who was so important to you.”
I tilted my head to look at Logan. His expression was concerned, and I knew he was only looking out for my well-being, but I didn’t know how else I could be with him. Otherwise, the guilt would cons
ume me.
“I can’t be with you any other way,” I confessed. “I can’t handle the memory of Cassie and be with you at the same time.”
His expression turned hopeful. “Does that mean you’re willing to give us a chance?”
I nodded, trying to banish the fear that threatened to overtake me about the step I was taking. “Let’s see what happens.” I tried to smile at him, wanting to lighten the mood. “Maybe after a few weeks, you’ll realize that being with me is even more of a pain in the ass than being my friend.”
Logan gently pushed the hair back from my face, his expression serious. “I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. You’re not going to be able to shake me that easily.”
I felt a lump in my throat at his words, not knowing what to say. He solved the problem for me by grinning at me. “Besides, I already know what a pain in the ass you are. I only expect it to be worse now that we’re together, but I’m willing to put up with it.”
He made an exaggerated expression of long suffering, and I couldn’t help laughing at him, although I smacked him on the chest. He rubbed the spot where I had hit him like he was in pain, but he grinned. “I’m like a combination of Mother Theresa and the Dalai Lama when it comes to my patience with you.”
I groaned at his lame comment and made a move to push him away. He grabbed my waist, pulling me back towards him. I didn’t protest, nuzzling into his side instead. It was intoxicating to be so open and close to him without feeling guilty. As long as I didn’t think about Cassie, everything would be okay.
“I didn’t use a condom. I didn’t think to bring one because the last thing I expected was for this to happen tonight.”
His announcement took me off guard. I hadn’t even been thinking about protection in the heat of the moment. It was a stupid move, but I was on birth control so I didn’t have to worry about an unexpected pregnancy. The thought of being pregnant with Logan’s child was too much to handle, so I pushed it out of my mind.