Of Love & Regret

by S. H. Kolee

  “The weekend flew by,” Emily remarked as she leaned back in her seat. Since she had driven to the Indiana Dunes, I was making the drive back. “I still can’t get over how good the food was last night.” She made a face. “Now it’s back to work and Sylvia being on my back.”

  I laughed at the sour look on her face. “Just think—one day, you’ll be the difficult boss who drives your assistant crazy.”

  Emily’s face brightened at my comment. “I can’t wait until that day comes!”

  The drive home went by quickly, and we parted ways with promises to meet up for lunch next week. Alone, back in my apartment, it was harder to push the thoughts of Logan out of my mind. A sick part of me was tempted to go downtown on the crazy, off chance that I might run into him. I didn’t even know if he lived in the same area, let alone the same apartment.

  It was late by the time I dropped into bed. My emotions had run the gamut from desolation to excitement, and had finally settled on futile resignation. Logan being in town had changed nothing in my life. It was still as empty and bleak as the day he had turned his back on me.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Despite telling myself that the chances of running into Logan was slim to none, that didn’t stop me from holding my breath every time I turned a corner for the next couple of weeks. But as time passed, the thoughts of Logan that had been preoccupying my mind receded into the background.

  It was a balmy Saturday afternoon, and I was at the Water Tower Place in downtown to do some shopping. The last place I expected to see Logan was at a mall, so I was completely unprepared when I caught sight of him heading out of a high-end clothing store. I was even more unprepared to see a woman by his side, looking up at him and laughing at whatever he had said.

  My heart pounded against my chest as I quickly backed up to hide behind a kiosk. The thought of facing Logan was scary enough. Facing him while he was with another woman was unthinkable.

  That didn’t stop me from spying on them. I couldn’t keep my eyes off Logan. He was as handsome as ever, although he was tanned and his blond hair was lighter than I remembered. I felt a tightening in my chest when I saw him smile at the woman. His smile was relaxed and full of affection. His expression made me realize that this woman wasn’t some temporary plaything like his past relationships. This woman obviously meant something to him. I could see it in his face. That hurt more than anything else could.

  She was pretty with long, dark brown hair and a willowy frame, but she was different from the drop-dead gorgeous women Logan usually dated. She wasn’t flashy, having instead an understated beauty.

  I didn’t think the ache in my chest could get any worse until I saw him put an arm around her shoulders as he leaned down to say something to her. The casual intimacy indicated a familiarity that left me shattered, and I quickly straightened so that they were out of my line of sight. I needed to get the hell out of there before I broke down in public. In all my daydreams about what it would be like to see Logan again, I never thought it would be like this.

  Since I was on the second floor, I walked swiftly to a nearby escalator and ran down them, barely able to mutter apologies as I clumsily maneuvered around people who were standing still. The heat was oppressive when I exited the mall but I was relieved to no longer be in the same building as Logan and that woman. That woman who should have been me.

  Colorful flowers bloomed in large stone planters in front of the mall, and I leaned against one of them, trying to get my chaotic thoughts in order. It had finally happened. I had finally run into Logan in the worst possible circumstances since he was with another woman, and I had survived. At least he hadn’t seen me. I would be okay. Everything would be okay.

  I was repeating this mantra to myself in my head when I heard a voice call out my name. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion as I turned my head in the direction of the voice. I already knew who had spoken, but that didn’t make it any less jarring to see Logan standing a few feet away from me with that woman beside him.

  I straightened, plastering a polite mask on my face. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they had.

  “Logan,” I said, proud that my voice was steady and even. “This is a surprise.”

  I glanced at their joined hands as they walked closer to me, and then quickly looked back up. The bland smile on my face was hard to maintain, and I fought against the tide of emotions that were threatening to overtake me.

  “Madison! I was meaning to call you to let you know I was back in town.”

  I was taken aback by Logan’s broad smile and pleasant tone. Any onlooker would have assumed we were merely old friends that had bumped into each other, but I knew better. Still, I played along.

  “Emily mentioned she saw you at your law firm.” I swallowed, not sure what else to say as I stared at him. It had been hard enough to see him from a distance, but now that he was right in front of me, I wanted to collapse into a puddle of tears and regret.

  “I just recently transferred back to Chicago.” He glanced down at the woman beside him, who had been listening to our conversation with an interested smile. “This is my girlfriend Kristina.”

  I barely heard him as he told Kristina that we were old friends from college and from when he had lived in Chicago before. His introduction of her confirmed everything that I had feared. I couldn’t remember the last time he had introduced someone as his girlfriend. Besides me and Cassie.

  My face felt tight as I tried to smile at her. If she noticed my discomfort, she graciously ignored it and smiled easily at me.

  “It’s nice to meet you, Madison,” she said. “I’m counting on Logan introducing me to his friends since he dragged me here from L.A., although I have to admit that so far I’m enjoying living in Chicago.”

  It kept getting worse and worse. Not only did she and Logan have an actual relationship but she had moved thousands of miles to be with him. Because he had asked her to.

  I couldn’t keep the forced smile on my face anymore. I sure as hell couldn’t stand there and pretend like my heart hadn’t been obliterated into pieces anymore. I needed to escape.

  “Well, it was nice seeing you,” I said wanly. “I have to run because I’m supposed to meet Emily.”

  “Wait.”

  I had started to turn to get out of there as quickly as possible, when not only his voice stopped me, but his hand on my shoulder prevented me from bolting away. I jerked my shoulder back, feeling burned by his touch. Logan dropped his hand as quickly as he had reached out for me.

  “What?” I asked, trying to keep the hostility from my voice. Was he trying to prolong this because he knew it was killing me? Was he trying to punish me?

  “Kristina and I are having a small party next Saturday. It’s nothing big. I’m just trying to convince her that Chicago isn’t such a bad place to live and she hasn’t made a huge mistake by moving here with me.” The wry grin he gave Kristina before looking back at me gutted me. “I’d love it if you’d come. You should invite Emily, too.”

  I stared at him. What game was he playing? It was cruel of him to pretend that we had been nothing more than friends. Maybe that was the point—to be cruel.

  “Sorry, I already have plans,” I muttered. “But I’ll let Emily know. I really have to go now. See you later.”

  I turned abruptly and walked away as quickly as I could without actually running. Logan’s expression had looked sincere, but it had to be an act. He couldn’t have so easily forgotten about everything that had happened between us. He couldn’t think that we could go back to being friends.

  I was confused and angry, but by the time I got back to my apartment, all I felt was hurt. Had I imagined all the feelings we had for each other? He had even told me that he loved me. He had been crushed when things hadn’t worked out between us. Hadn’t he? All this time, I had told myself that the reason he hadn’t been willing to give me another chance was because it was too painful for him to risk getting hurt again since I had alread
y disappointed him so many times. But maybe it was the opposite. Maybe, when it came down to it, I hadn’t meant much to him at all.

  I drove myself crazy as I paced my apartment, wondering what the hell Logan was thinking. I picked up the phone and called Emily. Maybe she could help me understand all of this.

  “Are you kidding me?” she exclaimed when I told her about my encounter with Logan and his invitation to his party.

  “I know,” I said, relieved that she seemed as confused by Logan’s attitude as I was. “He was so nonchalant, like we were just two old friends bumping into each other.” I sighed deeply, trying to look at the situation from a different perspective. “Maybe I’m just making this out to be more than it is. It’s been a year since we ended a relationship that lasted for less than a month. Looking at it that way, I shouldn’t be surprised that he apparently has no lingering feelings for me.”

  Emily’s voice was incredulous when she spoke. “Logan Delaney cared about you so much that he waited eight years for you to be ready to have a relationship with him. I saw his face when I told him about Adam’s proposal. I thought he was going to lose it right then and there. Your relationship can’t be quantified by the length of time you guys were a couple. He’s wanted you since you were a junior in college, and was willing to wait on the sidelines for his chance to be with you. That depth of feeling doesn’t just go away in a year.”

  Instead of making me feel better, Emily’s reasoning reminded me of everything I had put Logan through. Instead of begrudging him his happiness and his apparent ability to get over me, I should be glad that it seemed like he had found someone he could be happy with. I had been given multiple chances with him and, afraid and insecure, I had let them all slip through my fingers.

  “I don’t know,” I said, trying to talk past the ball of regret that was burning inside my chest. “Maybe you’re right, but it doesn’t matter. My chance with Logan is gone. I need to accept that. He’s moved on, and I need to be okay with that. Despite everything that’s happened, I’m not going to deny that I still care about him. I should be happy for him.”

  A voice inside of me screamed in protest. I still love Logan. We should be together. He should be mine. If he had just given me one more chance, we would be together now.

  I silenced the voice in my head. The faster I accepted that Logan and I would never be together, the sooner I could get past the pain. Despite telling myself this past year that I would probably never see Logan again, I admitted to myself that I had still hoped he would come back to me. Deep down, I had believed he just wanted to make sure I had been punished enough. I truly thought that, in the end, we would be together because I didn’t think he could just walk away from me forever. I had been so wrong.

  “So, you’re okay with him playing house with some other woman?” Emily asked skeptically.

  “Not yet, but I have to be,” I admitted truthfully. “What other choice do I have? I have no say in what he does with his life.”

  “Do you think you can just be friends with him again?”

  I hesitated before answering. The smart thing to do, the sane thing, would be to cut all ties with Logan. For both our sakes. He could move on with his life and I could try to heal the pain of losing him. But talking to Emily made me realize that I wanted Logan back in my life, even if only as a friend. There was a tinge of desperation in that desire, and it was sobering to realize I was willing to smother my pain just to be around him, but it was better than lying to myself. At this moment, I wanted Logan any way I could get him. Even as just a friend.

  “I want to at least try,” I finally replied. “If it becomes too painful, I can step back, but maybe Logan and I can go back to the way we used to be before we got romantically involved.”

  “Yeah, when he was pining away for you in secret,” Emily said drily. “If you think you can handle it, I guess you can try. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  “Don’t worry. If it starts getting to be too much for me, I’ll sever ties. Who knows. Maybe he doesn’t even want to be my friend anymore. Maybe he was just inviting me to his party to be polite.”

  “So are you going to go?”

  “I’m not sure yet. If I do, will you come with me?” I felt pretty juvenile, like a high-schooler asking her friend to come to the popular boy’s party with her, but I knew there was no way I’d consider going on my own.

  I was relieved when Emily agreed, although she still sounded skeptical about the whole situation. After we ended our call, I tried to take my mind off Logan and picked up a book I had recently started reading.

  Twenty minutes later, after I had reread the same page over and over again without absorbing a word, I threw it aside and turned on the television, hoping that there would be something on to distract me. I spent the next half hour compulsively turning the channels until I finally conceded defeat and turned it off. I was too antsy to concentrate on anything and I decided to try to burn off some of my nervous energy with a run.

  My workout regimen was sorely lacking, as my most common form of exercise was walking from my living room to my kitchen. Still, I changed into my workout clothes, which hadn’t seen the light of day in months, and headed out, grateful that at least some of the humidity had dissipated.

  I ran as hard as I could, trying to ignore my burning lungs and aching legs. Soon, my head was cleared of everything except for my attempt to succeed in mind over matter. My body was begging me to stop, but I forced myself to keep going as I tried to cleanse my mind of all the pain and regret that had threatened to break me down today.

  By the time I made it back to my street, I was drenched in sweat and breathing heavily as I fought for air. I slowed down to a walk and wiped my forehead with my sleeve. The run had been brutal, but it had also succeeded in clearing my head, and I considered making running a part of my routine.

  All the good my run had accomplished vanished when I got closer to my building and saw a familiar figure standing on the front stoop. I froze and considered turning around and running away. The fact that he was looking in my direction and had clearly seen me was the only reason I didn’t turn around and bolt.

  I tried to regulate my breathing as I started walking again, telling myself to stay cool and not let him see how much his presence affected me. It didn’t help that I was a sweaty mess in a t-shirt and shorts while he looked completely unaffected by the heat in jeans and a blue button-down shirt.

  I stopped at the bottom of the steps and looked up at him, shielding my eyes from the sun with a raised hand, trying to think of something to say.

  “Hi,” I finally said. It was lame, but that was all I could come up with.

  Logan walked down the short flight of stairs and I instinctively took a step back so that there was more space between us.

  “I guess you’re wondering what I’m doing here,” he said. His tone was casual, but his blue eyes studied me like he could read every thought in my mind.

  “I admit that I didn’t expect you to show up on my doorstep.” I waited for him to say something in response, but he just stood there, watching me. I couldn’t take the tension and spoke again to break the silence. “So… what’s up?”

  I flinched inwardly at my lame question, but I tried to keep my face impassive. I didn’t understand Logan’s motives for being here, and I was afraid that one biting word from him would make me lose it.

  Logan gave me a sardonic smile. “Not much. I just came by since our meeting earlier today was cut short.” He made a show of looking behind me before facing me again. “Where’s Emily?”

  I was too irritated to be embarrassed about being caught in a lie about meeting up with Emily. Despite the fact that I was considering an attempt to rebuild our friendship, I was in no way obligated to answer his question. I crossed my arms against my chest with a frown.

  “Why are you here?” I asked, ignoring his question about Emily. Now that his girlfriend wasn’t present, I didn’t want to bother with any pretenses and I di
dn’t want to play games.

  Logan narrowed his eyes, then shrugged, seemingly unbothered by my lack of an answer. “You looked pretty unnerved earlier, and I wanted to talk to you to make sure you didn’t think I was trying to manipulate you.”

  His words instantly put me on the defensive. “I wasn’t unnerved. I was just surprised to see you, that’s all. As for you trying to manipulate me, I still don’t understand why you’re here.”

  Logan sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Madison, I didn’t come here to fight with you. I came to tell you that I’ve done a lot of reflecting this past year, and I’ve come to the conclusion that despite things not working out between us, I miss our friendship.”

  I stared at him, trying to process what he was saying. The way he spoke about things not working out between us minimized the significance of our failed relationship. Didn’t he know how shattered I had been by his rejection?

  Despite my mind’s protestation of his casual words, this was exactly what I had been talking about with Emily. I might be masochistic enough to try to be friends with Logan again, but I was still wary.

  “That’s the last thing I expected you to say,” I admitted. “Considering how…” I searched for the right word that would adequately express our relationship, “…tumultuous our past has been, I didn’t think you’d want to be friends again.”

  “My relationship with Kristina made me realize a lot of things, one of them being that it’s important to tell the people in your life that you care about them before it’s too late.”

  The mention of his girlfriend made me feel sick, but I tried to hide my reaction. Despite the bitter taste hearing her name left in my mouth, I couldn’t help asking questions.

  “How long have you two been dating?” I tried to make my voice sound casual, although what I really wanted to ask was how he was able to move on so quickly.

  “About seven months. It doesn’t sound that long, but we pretty much knew the moment we met that we had a future together. I’m just relieved that she agreed to move here with me when I was transferred back to the Chicago office.”