by S. H. Kolee
I tried to keep my mind off Logan, but it was impossible. Breaking up a year ago had devastated me, and it had been a while before I was able to function like a normal human being again. As months passed, I had become better at pushing him to the back of my mind. I had reached a point where I was almost able to convince myself that I could move on with my life without being haunted by the memory of him. But all of that had been shattered when he had reappeared in my life. The gaping wound that I had patched up was raw again.
It was even worse now because of Kristina. Every time I thought about the two of them together, how their casual affection spoke of a comfortable relationship, I felt physically ill. Emily’s insistence that Kristina looked like me burned like acid, although the more I thought about it, the more I believed it was just a coincidence. I was thinking way too highly of myself if I believed Logan was so desperate to be with me that he had found a replacement for me.
It was starting to get dark, but I just sat on the couch, not bothering to turn on any lights. The setting sun matched my despondent mood, and I welcomed the darkness as it enveloped me.
It was almost completely dark in my apartment when my cell phone rang. The sound was jarring in the silence, and the screen was a beacon of light in the shadows. My heart caught in my throat when I saw Logan’s name flashing across the screen.
My hand hovered over my phone as I debated whether I should answer it. A part of me was desperate to snatch it up and hear his voice on the other end, but I knew the healthy thing to do was to ignore his call and hope he would just leave me alone. I didn’t want to go down a path of self-destruction. I had survived Logan leaving me once before. I didn’t think I could survive it again.
Unfortunately, the masochistic part of me won, and I answered it before it could go to voicemail.
“Hello?” I answered tentatively.
“I was afraid you weren’t going to answer.”
“I almost didn’t,” I said honestly. “Why are you calling me?”
Logan hesitated before answering. “I wanted to apologize for last night. I don’t have an excuse for my behavior. I never planned for any of that to happen. I truly wanted us to be friends again. I don’t know how things got so out of hand.”
I wasn’t willing to just swallow his apology. He had known exactly what he was doing last night. “Things got out of hand because you let them. The things you said to me… You made me feel like a worthless piece of trash. We both hurt each other in the past, yet you seemed hell bent on getting revenge on me last night. I’m not going to take the blame for everything that happened between us a year ago.”
“I’m not asking you to. Like I said, I have no excuses for last night. I called to tell you I’m sorry and also to ask for another chance.”
“Another chance at what?” My heart pounded against my chest at his words.
“At being friends. I meant everything I said before about missing our friendship. Can we just pretend that I didn’t behave like an ass last night and start fresh?”
I felt stupid that, for one moment, hope had flared and I thought he was asking for another chance at a romantic relationship. It reinforced the fact that I was far from over him and that it would be dangerous to pursue anything with him, even friendship.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I said. My heart twisted a little, even though I knew it was the right choice. It would be painful to cut him out of my life again, but it was better to do it now rather than later when my emotions would be even more invested. “We’ve already proven that it’s too easy for us to cross the boundary of friendship.” My tone became hushed as I voiced a fear that had plagued me since Logan’s party. “We don’t want a repeat of what happened in the past.”
“Maddie, I can’t.” Hearing him call me by my nickname was both painful and pleasurable. “I can’t just pretend like you don’t exist, especially now that we’re living in the same city again. I had a lapse in judgment last night. It won’t happen again. I care about Kristina, and I’m not planning on cheating on her. I promise that I won’t cross the line again.”
I felt a slice of pain when he expressed his feelings for Kristina—more evidence that pursuing a friendship with Logan was a bad idea. Despite knowing that, I couldn’t completely close myself off to the idea of having Logan in my life again. He was like an addiction for me, and now that I had gotten another hit, it was even harder to walk away.
“I don’t know,” I finally said with a sigh. “I have to think about it.”
“That’s good enough for now,” Logan replied, sounding relieved. “Maybe once you give it some time, you’ll see that a friendship between us can work.”
“Well,” I said awkwardly after a brief pause. I had nothing left to say. “I guess I’ll be in touch when I have a better idea of how I think we should move forward.”
“What about the Fourth of July?” Logan asked quickly, as if he were loathe to let me off the phone. “I was thinking of having a barbecue at my place.”
“A barbecue?” I asked skeptically, recognizing that I wasn’t in any hurry to end the call, either. “How are you going to have a barbecue in an apartment?”
“Hey, just call me resourceful.” His change in tone made it apparent that he was trying to inject some levity into the situation. “I have a hibachi grill and a balcony. What more do I need?”
“Is that even legal? I’d hate for you to get kicked out of your apartment when you’ve just moved back.” I tried to match Logan’s light tone, but it wasn’t easy.
“That’s for me to worry about. So will you come?” He sounded so hopeful, but I knew better than to agree right away.
“I need to think about it,” I said, trying to make my tone serious. The Fourth of July was only a few days away, and I didn’t know if that was enough time to give me some space and perspective. “Can I let you know on Wednesday?”
“Sure.” He sounded a little deflated that I didn’t agree right away, but I tried to ignore how his disappointment made me feel. “Feel free to invite Emily.”
I felt both a sense of relief and emptiness when I disconnected the call with him. I sensed that I was on a precipice, and my decision as to whether I was going to give our friendship another shot would determine if I was going to be pushed over the edge.
I told myself over the next couple of days that I definitely wouldn’t be going over to Logan’s on Thursday for the Fourth of July. I even told Emily I was sure I wasn’t going to go when I told her about my conversation with him. Yet, when I called him on Wednesday to graciously refuse his invitation, I found myself agreeing to attend.
“Are you sure you’re up for this?” Emily asked when the cab dropped us in front of Logan’s apartment building. I felt a sense of déjà vu—it was the same exact question she had asked me the night of Logan’s disastrous party. Although I probably should have known better this time, my answer was the same.
“I’ll be okay. If it gets to be too much, we can just leave.”
We made our way up to Logan’s apartment, and I tightly gripped the bottle of wine I had brought as we waited for him to open the door.
I was irrationally disappointed when Kristina opened the door instead of Logan. She looked effortlessly pretty in a pink sundress that made her look like the epitome of the girl-next-door. I felt instantly drab in my jeans and tank top. I had dressed casually since it was a barbecue, but I had a feeling I was woefully underdressed. Emily was dressed as informally as I was so at least we would stick out like sore thumbs together.
“I’m so glad you two could make it!” Kristina exclaimed as she ushered us inside. I tried to not seem too awkward as I returned the enthusiastic hug she gave both of us. I was surprised when I saw that no one else had arrived yet and my worry about being underdressed vanished as another worry took its place. Where was everyone?
“Thanks for inviting us,” Emily said, handing her the bottle of wine she’d brought. “We weren’t sure what to bring so we just brought a
couple bottles of wine.”
“Thanks!” Kristina said with a wide smile. “We already have some beer and wine, but these will be a great addition.”
I wordlessly handed her my bottle as she waved us towards the living room and told us to make ourselves comfortable before disappearing into the kitchen.
“Uh, where the hell is everyone else?” Emily asked under her breath as we sat down on the sofa.
“I don’t know,” I whispered. “Maybe we’re really early or the other people are really late.”
Our hushed conversation was cut short when Logan strode into the living room. Even in jeans and a t-shirt, his presence was overwhelming; he seemed to fill the room. His smile when he saw us was a mixture of eagerness and caution. We stood to greet him, and I felt a thrill of awareness when he leaned down to give me a quick kiss on the cheek.
“Thanks for coming over,” he said as he looked down at me with his bottomless blue eyes. “It means a lot to me.”
I took a step back to maintain some distance between us. “Sure. Thanks for inviting us.” I bit my lip as I tried to think of how to phrase my next question, but there was no other way to ask except to be blunt. “Where is everyone?”
“What do you mean?” he asked, looking honestly perplexed.
“You know, the other guests,” Emily chimed in. “Are we really early or something?”
“There are no other guests. It’s just the four of us. I thought it would be nicer to have a smaller gathering.” Logan shrugged. “I guess I forgot to mention it.”
Great. I would have no buffer between me and Logan. Not only that, I would have a front-row seat to his and Kristina’s lovey-dovey relationship.
“Logan, get them some drinks,” Kristina said as she came back into the living room carrying plates of cheese, crackers, and dip. “Help yourselves to some snacks. I’m not sure how well Logan’s grilling on the balcony is going to turn out, so we might be reduced to making a meal out of this. I also have a pizza place on speed dial in case it comes to dire measures.”
“Hey now,” Logan said in an affronted tone, but he was smiling. “Don’t start disparaging my grilling skills before I’ve even tried. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”
Their easy banter was grating on my nerves, so I interrupted them. “I’ll have a beer. Any kind is fine.”
Logan left to get two beers after Emily said she’d have one as well. Kristina set the platters of food on the coffee table as Emily and I sat back down. Kristina sat across from us in the smaller loveseat, and I leaned over to take a cracker to have something to do.
“So, you and Logan went to the same college,” Kristina said with an easy smile before taking a sip of her wine.
“That’s right,” I replied, trying to force a natural smile. “But I transferred out of the University of Michigan after my junior year.”
“Logan mentioned that.”
I tensed as I wondered what else Logan had mentioned. Had he told her about Cassie?
“Where did you go to school, Kristina?” Emily asked.
I was grateful that she was guiding the conversation away from my past.
“I went to UCLA. I was born and raised in Southern California, so Chicago is quite a change for me.”
Emily made a face of sympathy. “It’s a good thing you moved here in the summer. It’ll give you some time to acclimate before you have to deal with one of our winters.”
“I told Logan that my love for him is going to face a true test once winter rolls around. He’s going to have to work hard to make up for the snow and cold I’m going to have to face.”
“It’s not that bad,” I said, trying not to grimace at her mention of love. Her critical remarks about Chicago was also grating on my nerves, although I knew it was hypocritical of me since I didn’t exactly love the Chicago winters either. “You get used to it after a while.”
“Is Kristina complaining about the weather again?” Logan interrupted as he came back into the living room. He handed Emily and me a beer, and sat down next to Kristina. I was relieved when he maintained some space between them. I didn’t know if I could stop myself from throwing my beer at them if they started cuddling in front of me. It was bad enough when he smiled affectionately at her. “She keeps telling me I’m going to have to do something big to make up for dragging her away from a place that’s perennially sunny to a city that’s known for frigid winters.”
“I don’t blame her,” I said, trying to suppress my animosity towards Kristina. She hadn’t done anything wrong in this situation. If anything, I should be feeling guilty for what had happened last weekend right under her nose. “You’re a great catch, Logan, but not great enough to give up California weather.”
Logan laughed easily at my joke, and I took a long swallow of my beer. I could keep this up for a couple of hours. I could be friendly and joke around and pretend that seeing Logan with Kristina wasn’t ripping my heart to shreds.
“Did you tell them the good news?” Logan asked Kristina.
“It’s no big deal,” she said, making a face. “I accepted an offer at an agency yesterday, so now I’m gainfully employed.”
“That’s great!” Emily exclaimed. She latched onto the topic and asked Kristina several questions about her new job. I just listened as I drank my beer. I was surprised when I lifted the bottle to my mouth to find that it was the last sip. I didn’t realize I had been drinking so quickly.
“Want another beer?” Logan asked, having noticed that my bottle was now empty.
“Sure.” I only glanced at him briefly and then turned back to Kristina, who had finished talking about her job and was now asking Emily about hers. I wasn’t really listening to them. I was just focused on watching Kristina and trying to see similarities between us.
“What about you, Madison?” she asked, turning to me. I jumped guiltily, having been caught staring at her. I also had no idea what she was asking me.
“Uh,” I stammered, feeling foolish. I made a guess that she was asking me about my job, since that was the topic of conversation, and I decided to go with it. “I write for an online magazine called The Monitor Reports.”
“That sounds so interesting,” she replied. “What type of things do you write about?”
“It varies,” I said, relieved that I had apparently guessed correctly about her question. “I write a weekly column, and I’m fortunate enough to get to pick my own topics.”
I accepted the beer Logan handed me when he came back from the kitchen and took a long sip. He had also brought out a platter of raw hamburger patties and hot dogs.
“I thought I’d get these started on the grill,” he said. “Want to help me?”
He was looking straight at me, and instead of considering whether it was wise to be alone with Logan, I jumped at the opportunity to escape Kristina’s questions, as innocent as they were.
“Sure.” I glanced at Kristina to see if she was bothered that Logan had asked me to help instead of her, but she was already engrossed in a conversation with Emily again. I didn’t miss the look Emily gave me, but I ignored it as I followed Logan out to his expansive balcony that spanned the length of the living room. The balcony was as impeccably decorated as the inside of the apartment with several ornamental plants, an outdoor dining set, and two lounge chairs.
“It’s beautiful up here,” I commented as he closed the balcony door behind us. “This is a step up from your old place, as nice as it was.”
“Work has been going well,” Logan said simply. He set down the platter of meat on the table and started fiddling with the charcoal on the grill that was much larger than the hibachi grill he had joked about. I watched him silently, aware that we were in plain view of Kristina and Emily through the glass.
Logan straightened after he had doused the charcoal briquettes with lighter fluid and lit them. “We have to wait a few minutes for the fire to die down and the briquettes to turn gray before we put the food on.”
I nodded though I
knew nothing about grilling. I leaned against the railing of the balcony and immediately tensed when Logan came closer, but he just simply stood next to me as he gazed out into the city. Clouds muted the afternoon sun, making the summer heat more bearable.
We were silent for a while before Logan spoke. “So far so good,” he said, looking at me with a wry smile. I knew what he was talking about without him having to clarify.
“I guess,” I said half-heartedly. “It’s not hard to behave when we’re in front of your girlfriend.”
“We’re alone now,” he reasoned.
I made a face at him. “Yeah, but she can see us through the glass. That’s not really being alone.”
Logan didn’t respond right away. When he did, his voice was quieter. “Do you see Adam at all anymore?”
I gave him an incredulous look. “Are you kidding me? After what he did with Mrs. Brooks? I’m just relieved that he’s left me alone. He’s lucky that he never showed his face again after the stunt he pulled. I would have probably done him some bodily harm.”
“Are you seeing someone now?” Logan was still staring straight ahead as he asked his question.
“You asked me that before, and I said no. Anyways, I don’t think that’s an appropriate topic of conversation.” Not only was it inappropriate but it was also annoying. How many times was he going to ask me the same question?
He turned to look at me, his expression bland. “Why not? We’re friends. Friends can talk about their respective relationships.”
“We’re far from being normal friends, Logan. From where I stand, we’re just figuring out if we can be in the same space without hurting each other.”
“So that means you are seeing someone.”
I made a sound of impatience. “No. I already told you I wasn’t. But even if I was, it’s none of your business.”
Logan frowned, but didn’t push the issue. Instead, he changed the topic to another sensitive subject. “Have you seen Cassie’s mother recently?”
I shook my head. “No, I’ve only seen her once since you’ve been gone. It wasn’t too long after you left.” My expression turned grim. “It didn’t go so well.”