The Likes of Us

by Stan Barstow

‘I see we have a convert here, ladies and gentlemen. Tell me, Ted, how much do you weigh?’

  ‘Thirteen and a half stone.’

  ‘Do you think Joyce could support such a weight in the position she’s in?’

  ‘No, she’d collapse.’

  ‘Shall we try it?’

  ‘You mean me?’

  ‘Yes, Ted, you.’

  ‘I don’t want to hurt her.’

  ‘I can assure you that I’ll take full responsibility... Ladies and gentlemen, such is the nature of the trance I’ve imposed on my assistant she can do things she would not normally be capable of. This is the power of the prepared mind over the inadequacies of the body. Our friend tells me he weighs thirteen and a half stone. I shall now demonstrate that, under my influence, Joyce can support this weight. Now, Ted, come along with me. I want you to sit on Joyce.’ Ted looked at Joyce then Leonard. ‘It’s all right; don’t be shy. Give me your hands. Now, gently down onto her midriff... There. Are you comfortable?’

  ‘More or less.’

  ‘You won’t fall over if I let go of your hands?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Righto, then. When I let go of you I want you to lift your feet slowly off the floor until your full weight is resting on Joyce. All right.’

  He released Ted’s hands and the boy uneasily raised his feet.

  ‘No wires and no invisible aids, ladies and gentlemen. Joyce is now carrying thirteen and a half stone on her unsupported body. Try it when you get home, ladies and gentlemen. But put some cushions on the floor first... Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Ted. A round of applause for Joyce, ladies and gentlemen, as I free her from her trance.’

  He replaced the third chair and snapped his fingers. Joyce opened her eyes and sat up, swinging round to stand on her feet. Ted said something to Leonard, who stepped closer to him and listened.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, our young volunteer has asked me if I can stop him smoking. Do you really want to stop?’

  ‘Yes, I do.’

  ‘And have you tried to do it for yourself?’

  ‘I’ve had one or two goes.’

  ‘But without success?’

  ‘The trouble is, I like it too much.’

  ‘Ah, yes, quite so. Well, since you’ve helped me so splendidly this evening I’ll see what I can do. I shall put you under my influence first. Please look closely at the charm again. Again, when I’ve counted to six you will close your eyes. At the count of twelve you will be under my control…’ Leonardo put him under and glanced at his watch. ‘At ten-fifteen you will light a cigarette. That cigarette will taste revolting and you will put it out. Cigarettes will continue to taste revolting and you will lose all desire to smoke them. Now when I snap my fingers twice you will awake. You will not remember what I’ve said but you will act upon my commands.’

  ‘Is that it?’ Ted asked a moment later.

  ‘That’s all, sir. Thank you very much. A big hand for a good sport, ladies and gentlemen.’

  A man in the passage lurched into Joyce’s path as they went down off the stage. ‘That was lovely, darlin’. Just lovely.’ Her reaction as his hands fell on her shoulders was to push him away so hard that he lost his balance and reeled back against the wall.

  ‘That’s not part of the act, mister.’

  The man blinked his eyes several times in something like surprise. ‘My sincere apologies, darlin’. No offence meant. Absolutely not.’ He straightened up and walked towards the door, still talking. ‘Wouldn’t dream of it…’

  ‘Stupid devil,’ Joyce said. She turned to see the sardonic amusement in Leonard’s eyes.

  ‘You don’t give them much change, do you?’

  ‘Ah, you show them your legs and they think they can maul you.’

  ‘You’re a little puritan. I’ve told you before.’

  ‘Maybe I am. It’s my privilege, though.’

  He smiled. ‘Go and get your clothes on and we’ll go round for a drink.

  ‘“... the little girl was very frightened as she went along the dark corridor. Then suddenly she turned a corner and saw a light coming through a doorway. She made her way towards it and, lo and behold, there she found herself looking into a magnificent room. There was an enormous polished floor, paintings on the walls, and beautiful silk curtains at the windows. And all this splendour was lit by the light from six huge blazing crystal chandeliers which hung from the painted ceiling. The little girl gasped at the wonder of it all. Where could she possibly be? And who could this magnificent room belong to?”’

  Brian closed the book. ‘Do you know who it belonged to?’

  ‘No,’ Gloria said.

  ‘Well, we’ll find out tomorrow night.’

  ‘Oh, Daddy, read me a bit more.’

  ‘No. If it was on the telly you’d have to wait to find out, wouldn’t you? And it’s long past your bedtime. You’ll be too tired to go to school in the morning.’

  ‘Mrs Miles lets me stop up.’

  ‘Well, she ought to know better.’

  ‘What time will Mummy be coming home?’

  ‘Not for a while yet.’

  ‘Will you ask her to come and tuck me up?’

  ‘I’ll tell her. But if you’re not asleep by then I shall be cross with you.’

  ‘She’s a lovely mummy, my mummy is.’

  ‘Yes.’

  She reached up and encircled his neck with her arms. ‘And you’re a lovely daddy as well.’

  ‘I’m glad you think so. Now snuggle down and shut your eyes. I want you to be asleep in five minutes.’

  Leonard glanced at his watch when he’d ordered the drinks. He touched Joyce’s elbow as they stood at the long bar and indicated Ted sitting at his table. The boy took out a packet of cigarettes and said something to the girl he was with as he became aware of her and the people round them watching him. He lit a cigarette and took one pull before making a face and reaching for the ashtray. There was audible laughter from those sitting nearest to him and when the girl had spoken to him Ted looked over to where Leonard was standing and grinned, lifting his hand in a thumbs-up sign. Leonard acknowledged him and the small ripple of applause with a nod of the head and a slight smile as the club’s entertainments secretary, a stocky grey-haired man with scarred thick-fingered hands, came to them.

  ‘On the house, Mr... er…’ he said as the barman placed their drinks on the counter.

  ‘Thank you.’ Leonard poured tonic water into Joyce’s gin and added water to his own scotch.

  ‘That was very good,’ the secretary said. ‘Very successful, I thought.’ He handed Leonard an envelope. ‘I think you’ll find that right.’

  Leonard took the envelope with some distaste at being paid in public and pocketed it without looking inside. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘They don’t usually go for conjurors and suchlike,’ the man said.

  ‘I’m a hypnotist and illusionist,’ Leonard said.

  ‘Eh? Well, you know what I mean. And the young lady helped a lot. They all understand that kind of thing.’

  ‘I know what you mean,’ Leonard said. ‘Any bunch of lads with a couple of guitars and a lot of cheek can hold them better than I can. It’s too much trouble for them to watch a real artiste at work.’

  ‘We’re very selective in our bookings, y’know. We don’t engage rubbish.’

  ‘You certainly haven’t in my case. Quality is still quality, even in these days when we seem to have less and less sense of real values.’

  The man was beginning to look flustered. ‘Yes, I’m sure we all appreciate–’

  ‘No, I’m sorry,’ Leonard said, ‘but I don’t think you do. What you’ve had tonight is as good as you’ll get in the profession. I have a reputation, built up carefully over the years
, and I’m proud of it. I don’t care to expose it to those people who can’t appreciate what they’re seeing. Perhaps you’ve never heard of the W.C.M.?’

  ‘No, I, er...’

  ‘The World Conference of Magicians. It’s to be held in Brighton in a few weeks’ time. When you get on the stage there you’re performing for your peers, not for an audience with one eye on you and the other on the waiter bringing the drinks. I hope with the help of my young lady assistant to come away with a few honours myself this year.’

  ‘We must wish you luck, then, Mr, er, Leonardo. Excuse me. There’s somebody over there I’ve got to talk to.’

  His smile was strained as he left them.

  ‘You went for him a bit hard, didn’t you?’ Joyce said.

  ‘I will not be patronised by little runts like that.’

  ‘He meant well enough.’

  ‘So did that chap in the passage. We’re all touchy in our different ways.’

  ‘All right.’

  ‘Would you like another drink?’

  ‘I’ve got enough with this one, thanks. Anyway, I mustn’t be late.’

  ‘Don’t worry. I can’t see me sticking round this place for long.’ He spoke to the barman. ‘Another scotch, please.’

  Joyce poured the rest of the tonic water into her glass and said, ‘It’s not on, you know, Leonard.’

  ‘What isn’t?’

  ‘Brighton.’

  ‘You mean he’s put his foot down?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Oh, my God, there’s only three weeks to go and here you are, backing out on me.’

  ‘I never said I’d go.’

  ‘No, but I did think–’

  ‘I’m a married woman, Leonard. I’ve got a husband and a child, I can’t just slope off to Brighton for three or four days.’

  ‘Look, I’m depending on you. I can do big things this year. I know I can. But not without you.’

  ‘Can’t you get somebody else?’

  ‘Find somebody and train her in three weeks? Talk sense, love.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Leonard. But you knew when I started what the position was.’

  ‘I thought this was the middle of the twentieth century, not the nineteenth.’

  ‘He puts up with a lot, you know.’

  ‘And so he should. Look, would you like to go?’

  ‘Of course I would. Three or four days at the seaside. And you know I like being in the act.’

  ‘Ask him, then. Ask him tonight.’

  ‘Look, it’s–’

  Leonard’s fingers gripped her elbow and his eyes looked directly into hers. ‘Ask him.’

  He was asleep when she got home, sprawled in the chair in his working-clothes, his mouth slightly open. She switched off the television set and shook him by the shoulder.

  ‘I just shut my eyes for a minute,’ he said as he came awake. ‘What time is it?’

  ‘A quarter past eleven. Did Gloria go off all right? She wasn’t fretful, was she?’

  ‘No. Why?’

  ‘I’d a feeling she might be sickening for something earlier today. Might have been my imagination. Have you had any supper?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Do you want some now?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ He rubbed his eyes and pulled himself up in the chair. ‘Let’s have a cup of tea while I think about it.’

  She took off her coat and laid it across a chair and went into the kitchen. He followed her and stood in the doorway, stretching, as she filled the kettle.

  ‘Ugh! It feels more like a quarter past three.’

  ‘You should have gone to bed.’

  ‘Ah, it gets till it’s all bed and work. I don’t see anything of you.’

  ‘I know you hate it,’ she said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Me going out like this. Helping Leonard.’

  ‘I’ve never said so, have I?’

  ‘I know it, without you saying anything.’

  ‘If it gives you a bit of pleasure, excitement. I mean, I’m away so much... It’s no fun for you.’

  ‘Are you going up north again tomorrow?’

  ‘No, he’s putting me on local runs for a day or two, till he gets the wagon properly seen-to.’

  The kettle was on the gas. She put tea into the pot and set out two cups. ‘Do you want something to eat, then? I might as well see to it while I’m here.’

  ‘Go on, then,’ he said. ‘I’ll have a bacon sandwich.’

  Joyce put the frying pan on another ring and took bacon out of the cupboard. She kept her eyes on her hands trimming off the rind as she said, ‘Leonard’s talking about the World Conference now.’

  ‘What conference?’

  ‘World Conference of Magicians. Didn’t I mention it? I knew it was out of the question, anyway. Brighton, in three weeks’ time. He reckons he can sweep the board if I’m there to help him.’

  ‘Brighton?’

  ‘Yes. Isn’t it silly? Three or four days away. I told him, what did he expect? Me, a married woman, with a husband and a little girl to think about.’

  ‘You’re not going, are you?’

  ‘Well, of course, I told him.’

  ‘You want to go, though, don’t you? You’d like to go with him?’

  ‘What do you mean “with him”? Have I asked you?’

  ‘You’re asking me now.’

  ‘Look. I–’

  ‘You’re not going.’

  ‘Look, Brian, don’t come the heavy husband with me. There’s no need for you to lay the law down.’

  ‘I want him to know,’ Brian said. ‘I want you to tell him.’

  ‘Tell him what he knows already? Or that you’ve put your foot down?’

  ‘I don’t care. Just tell him.’

  ‘Look, Brian, just who the hell do you think you are?’

  ‘I’m your husband.’

  ‘And how long do I have to go on being grateful for that?’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘You should. I was grateful when you married me. Not every man would have done what you did, would they? You took me and made me respectable. You got me out of trouble. Why shouldn’t I have been grateful?’

  ‘I married you because I loved you.’

  ‘Because you wanted to go to bed with me and I was carrying somebody else’s kid.’

  ‘There’s no need for talk like that.’

  ‘Would you like to forget it? Don’t you think about it every time you look at her? She’s upstairs now, asleep. She doesn’t know, but we do. When shall we tell her, Brian?’

  ‘It was a long time ago. She’s eight years old now and she’s ours – yours and mine. Why do you want to start on all this?’

  ‘Because I’m sick of it. Sick of everything.’

  ‘You wouldn’t tell her, would you?’

  She faced him. ‘Why not? Hasn’t she got a right to know the truth?’

  ‘There we are, sir. And your receipt. Your suit will be packed up and waiting for you when you call back. I hope you’ll find it satisfactory in every respect.’

  Leonard’s customer smiled. ‘I’m sure I shall. I must say it’s a pleasure to shop where there’s still some service.’

  ‘It’s very kind of you to say so, sir. Quality and courtesy are the cornerstones of any good business.’

  ‘There’s a lot of people forgotten that, though.’

  ‘There are indeed, sir. There are indeed.’ He opened the door for the man. ‘Good day, sir.’

  He picked up the suit from the counter and went into the back room where Joyce, with cups and teapot ready, was waiting for the electric kettle to boil.

  ‘Nicel
y timed. I’m just brewing up.’

  ‘I’ll just pack this and we’ll have a nice cuppa.’

  ‘He seemed very pleased, the man who’s just gone out.’

  ‘We’re both pleased. That makes for a satisfactory transaction.’

  ‘You’re a good tailor, aren’t you, Leonard?’

  Leonard brushed the suit down with the flat of his hand, holding it up for a last scrutiny before folding it into a large square box which he then tied round with string. ‘The best in this town.’

  ‘Haven’t you ever thought of expanding? You know, opening another shop?’

  ‘I did consider it at one time. But I couldn’t be in two places at once and I didn’t fancy the idea of putting my reputation into the hands of somebody who might not care for it as I do. So I settled for one shop and that run well. It works. I’m well known to a good clientele and I make a comfortable living. Personal service from the man who actually cuts the cloth – that’s what they expect and what they’re prepared to pay for.’

  Joyce poured boiling water into the teapot. ‘Leonard, about the conference.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘It’s still no go.’

  ‘You asked him, then?’

  ‘No, I didn’t actually ask him. I told him it was coming off. He jumped on it straight away. We had a row.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  ‘It was my fault, I suppose. I lost my temper and said some awful things.’

  ‘He never...’ Leonard hesitated. ‘He doesn’t strike you, does he?’

  ‘Brian?’

  ‘He’s a big strong ox of a man. They do lose themselves sometimes.’

  ‘The trouble with Brian is he won’t argue or row. That’s what makes me so mad sometimes. The way he stands there so bloody good and patient.’

  ‘And stupid,’ Leonard said.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Yes, I’m sorry, Joyce – stupid. Doesn’t he realise what sort of woman you are? That you deserve something better than being tied to the house, cooking and cleaning for him?’

  ‘Don’t all women think like that sometimes?’

  ‘There are plenty of women who are happy with that. They’re ten a penny. But you’re special; something different. You’re like a lovely tropical bird that loses its colours and dies when it can’t spread its wings and fly.’