Beautiful Life

by Bruce Thomas

My chest seized at the thought of never seeing Fred again. Because that is what I would have to do; stay away from him. I couldn't imagine seeing him every day without being with him.

  "You mean I can't kiss you in front of Dakota." He sarcastically scoffed. His lips pulled up on one side angrily. "Stop being ridiculous." I slouched in my seat, fed up.

  "He can't have you. You are mine." His voice was tight and rough as if he wanted to hit his fists against the steering wheel.

  I blinked a few times hoping that my brain didn't shut down and I was just hearing what I wanted to hear. I slouched in my seat and choked back the sob that threatened to escape. "Stop it." My voice came out like a hiss and I had to force the angry tears to stay off my cheeks. "I know. I should."

  "Then do it!" I shouted at him. I turned towards him in my seat with clasped hands as if I was begging him. It was plain cruel what he was saying. All I wanted was Fred, but I knew what was happening. He was getting territorial. He had no right to, but that never stopped Fred from doing what he wanted.

  "That isn't fair, Fred. I don't want to feel like this and I won't let you make me feel this, so let's get everything off our chests and then go our separate ways because I know that's what you want. You don't want me. You made that clear after bolting last night, so let's get everything out in the open. I'll start.

  "Last night was not a mistake to me. I wanted that and I thought you did too.--"

  "So you

  run off with, Koda?" His eyes leave the busy streets for too many seconds and he sound of blaring horns catch his attention. "--I am talking!" I screeched over Fred's sneering words. Tears instantly sprang in my eyes. "I thought you might have changed from just wanting to win some twisted self preserved game that you were playing against yourself and actually like me. Me. That was my first mistake. My second was when I said that I..." I closed my eyes and braced myself from the self hurt I was going to destruct on my already shatter heart. "I didn't mean what I said. I don't love you. I hate you, actually."

  "You hate me?" Fred repeated momentarily taking his eyes off the road. "Doesn't seem like it. You're here." "Only because I knew you wouldn't leave without harming someone else."

  "Koda?" He mocked again, his mouth twisting unattractively.

  "Yes, Dakota. My friend."

  "He wants to be more than your friend, sweetheart."

  My heart skipped a beat at the pet name and it squeezed tight enough to allow a single tear to finally escape. I reached up and brushed it away before Fred could see. "Do you honestly think so low of me that I would be latching myself onto some other guy after what just happened last night? I'm not some slut that enjoys being degraded, Montgomery." I couldn't mask the hurt in my voice.

  "Of course I don't think that, Anna. You don't notice the attention you get from men." He frustratingly forced a hand through his hair. He pulled into his apartment complex and cut the ignition. I suddenly felt trapped and gasping

  for air. I didn't want to end up here.

  "I freaked out last night," Fred admitted while looking at the horn of the steering wheel. "I am well aware that I am a grade A idiot, okay. I wasn't expecting you to say that you loved me." "We'll I didn't mean it. I got caught up in the moment." I couldn't even look at him as I said that. I did love him. I loved him so much it hurt me. "Good because you can't." He sighed and leaned his head against the back of the seat. He turned his head slowly and pinned me in a steady gaze. "It shouldn't have happened. You're too good for me, Anna. I know that and you know that."

  "So, you didn't want to, you know, have sex with me?" I asked, pieces in my chest breaking. It was my heart. "I made it very clear that I wanted to, Anna. I just didn't think it through. Yes, I loved the thought of stealing your virginity. To have you for me and me only. It became an obsession. I'll admit that. But I seem to have a blackout at the fact that you were bound to catch feelings for me."

  Every word he grounded out made me flinch. This was all for his benefit. He soully wanted the friends with benefits and I was the one who wanted something more so badly that I overlooked that. Now look where I was at; no longer pure and now brokenhearted. What a basic love story.

  "Oh, yeah, because I'm just that weak!" Sarcasm hung on my every word. Anger bubbled up in me. "And to let you know," I was on a roll now and I knew what I was about to say was far from the truth by it felt good to say it anyway, "you aren't as good as you think

  you are!"

  Freds face was the picture of pure rage. "Take that back!"

  "No because it doesn't matter because it meant nothing!"

  "You're right. It meant nothing. We say things we don't mean because thats what happens when your body feels good. It was just what it was. Sex." Fred looked over to watch my reaction. My chest caved in on itself with the realization that for me it wasn't. It wasn't just sex and it hurt because of the way he was so gentle and sweet during the act that it made it hard to except that what he was saying was true.

  I wasn't going to let him see me hurt though. I was not his toy. The thought that he saw me that way disgusted me. The thought that anyone saw a human being as a toy made me want to vomit. "I realized that it shouldn't have happened so I bolted hoping you would hate me afterwards. Which you do, so it worked." Wrong.

  "How did you know I was at the library?" I asked switching subjects quickly before I broke down. I also didn't want to tell him I was lying. I was never good at lying. Even to myself.

  He shook his head and looked back out the windshield of his car, which he desperately needed to clean. He pressed his lips tightly together. "Don't lie," I added. I needed some truth no matter how much it twisted at my heart. "I followed you to class."

  I didn't say anything. I just looked at him to force him to elaborate more. With a roll of his eyes he unfastened his seat belt to face me like I was facing him.

  "After I left last night, I stayed in my car. The second I left, I felt like the biggest fück up because I know how sensitive you are and me running away like that wasn't the right move. So I sat in my car contemplating if I should go back up and apologize but I figured you wouldn't want to see me and that it was better in the end if you hated me. I fell asleep in my car and woke up when I heard you laughing at something Dakota said." He spat out Dakota's name like venom and I had to keep my mouth shut. "I followed you to campus and then when I saw you guys not go into the building, I parked a couple blocks over and I followed you two. I waited outside that damned library for hours until you came out. Then I saw that look on your friend's face as if he wanted to-- and I lost it."

  "Why?" I so badly wanted to know.

  "You're mine," he repeated. His eyes turned dark, smoldering me with intensity. My stomach clenched at that look. Him contradicting his own words was wearing me out.

  "You made it very clear I'm not. And I'm sure as hell not your toy. Eff yourself for saying that." "Eff myself..." Fred chuckled making me glare at him. He sighed again but this time it came out rattled. "I don't understand it either, Annaanna."

  "It's Anna," I corrected. He called me Annaanna when he was angry or annoyed at me and I didn't like the thought of him mad at me. Wow, I was a mess.

  He raised his eyebrows and an appearance of a smirk ghosted his lips. One side of my mouth threatened to lift too but all I had to do was think about Fred saying he didn't want me to make it turn down. He had to know that he couldn't go around giving me hickies or kissing me every time he thought some guy was trying to pull the moves on me. Fred's possessive behavior warmed a place in my heart, making me feel safe and wanted, I had to admit. But then there was the yearn to smack him upside the head. I was not his and he was not mine.

  I would live with acting like I hated him, because I would rather lie to him them have him run away from me. It was such a stupid conclusion but my mind wasn't in the right place to be making rash judgements. I knew I should despise him, but I couldn't.

  Now that everything was out on the table it was like a giant weight had been lifted off the roo
f of the car. Fred slumped back in his seat and I did the same, breathing in the biggest gulp of air I could manage without making it obvious.

  "Wow," Fred started laughing as he sighed.

  "What?" I asked side eying him. The mood switched so quickly I might have gotten whiplash.

  "I didn't even have to pull the normal speech of falsely swearing I'll change. That one works like a charm, though I'm too exhausted to actually pull it off. Good thing you're easy." I paused with my hand on the handle of the door and gave him the dirtiest look that scrunched my face with barely any effort. I was not easy in any general sense! Part of me was mad because he wasn't as observant as I wished him to be and the other part was just disappointed. He wasn't what I needed. Then again, I didn't need anyone, I just stupidly wanted, Fred.

  I stepped out the car and shut the door. The echoing sound of the harsh

  slam bounced off the cement walls around us. I shoved my hands in my coat and dug out my wallet.

  As I went to wave down a taxi, Fred's hand once again snatched mine down. I ignored him and shot up my other hand. A taxi swerved towards me on the curb but Fred opened the door, threw a five dollars bill at the driver, and waved him away with a scowl and sharp twitch of his hand.

  I was so tired of this cycle with him that I didn't even have the urge to roll my eyes. I didn't understand what he was trying to pull here. I turned to him with a jerk of my body but pushed him away from me, this time with enough force to make some distance between us.

  My heart tightened at the look of hurt in his eyes from my sudden push for distance. He looked like such a little boy who was afraid he was being left behind. "Anna...I'm sorry. Please, I didn't mean..." Fred started pacing in front of me left to right, running another hand through his now tousled hair. "I didn't mean you were easy. Just that you have your head in your shoulders and that you understand me."

  I scoffed because I most definitely did not understand him.

  But no matter how hard I tried to stay angry at him, I knew it wouldn't last long. I felt my body sag in exhaustion from the previous events, not able to witness his hands tugged at his hair in misery. "I know you didn't, Fred." I reached out to him, forcing him to stop walking back and forth. I gripped his chin firmly forcing him to look me in the eye. "You can't go around doing things like that just to prove a point to

  someone. It's plain out mean." I touched my lips subconsciously remembering the way they felt when he was trying to rub Dakota's face in the fact that he had the guts to do it while Koda didn't. Fred looked at the redness he caused out of possessiveness and anger. He visibly noticed me flinch when his head started moving closer to me. He paused, knowing he was treading on thin ice. "Can I kiss you?" He whispered, his eyes searching mine, afraid I would reject him.

  There was no way I could deny him, though I knew I should. It was like with the connection of his eyes on mine, I was under a spell. I didn't trust my voice but closed my eyes in surrender.

  His nose nudged my neck, softly placing a kiss over the harsh love bites he left that night that faded with the days and the help of concealer. A small gasp escaped my lips. I could feel the tingle all the way to my toes. I don't think I will ever wrap my head around the fact that he can set my body on fire by just a simple touch of his lips.

  He was trying to be gentle. He was trying to sooth the pain the same way he caused it but with tenderness and warmth this time. He could be so overwhelmingly possessive one moment then so unbelievably gentle the next.

  "Please don't be angry with me." He placed a kiss on my cheek before cupping my face in his hands. "You're not easy. And I shouldn't have described you as a toy because you're not. You're a person, I get that. I'm the toy." His eyes were dark and those two deeply indented lines lodged themselves in between his brows, the way they appeared when he was worried. I reached up and smoothed them with my thumb. Fred closed his eyes under my touch and sighed, letting his forehead fall to rest against mine.

  I covered his hands on my face with my own and squeezed them gently. "You are a possessive bastard, is what you are."

  His lips pulled up at my statement, momentarily dragging his teeth over his bottom lip. "I know, I'm sorry. You just drive me crazy." I smiled at that. That would make two of us. I couldn't quite get my head around how fast I was falling for him. Everything with him was fast and intense. Half the time I was dizzy and frustrated, yelling at him one moments and wanting to feel the heat of his body the next.

  Oh Fred, what have you done to me? Years of being on my own, never letting anyone close enough, giving them the power to cause me pain, was all going out the window because of this irritating, passionate, tantalizingly beautiful man, who was just as clueless as me when it came to love.

  Closing my eyes again, Fred leaned forward to latch his lips onto mine.

  =================

  28

  When his lips touched mine for the second time that day I couldn't help but feel uneasy about it. The feelings swirling around in my belly were overpowering, making me feel nauseated.

  "Fred, I can't," I said wrenching myself away from him and out of his grasp. It didn't feel right after what he put me through last night. He let out an aggravated sigh and stepped away from me. "I said I was sorry."

  "I know you did," I snapped at him. I didn't mean for it to come out so harshly but it was, what it was. I was angry and rightfully so. I felt like I was being pulled this way and that and I didn't quite know which direction I wanted to go. "But it's not that simple."

  "Hence why we should just have fun and not make this anything serious." A historical bubble that could be considered a laugh spewed out of my mouth. Why was I putting myself through this? I must have spoke my thoughts aloud because Fred's eyebrows shot up sarcastically. I shook my head, still wearing what I'm sure looked like a smile only a psycho would wear. Turning on my feet, I walked a few feet away from Fred and threw my hand back up in the air to hail a taxi.

  "You know what Fred. I lied. I do love you." I pulled open the door and stepped down to the curb. "And I know it's real because right now my heart feels like it is splintering off piece by piece and those fragments are floating their way over to you but you repel them and I feel every blow. I know you feel something for me too because if you didn't you wouldn't be making this much effort into hurting me. So move along and go find another

  virgin because you ruined this one and you're done toying with me." I didn't bother to look back at Fred's face as I climbed into the cab. Those shards of what was left of my heart would surely slice my chest and leave me bleeding out if I saw that my words didn't affect him as I hoped they did.

  I know he felt something for me. I know it. My brain was not just using this intuition as a coping mechanism, I know he does. I saw it in the way he comforted me when I woke up from that nightmare about my mother. I felt it to my toes when looks at me with humor in his eyes like he's laughing at me when I say something that's remotely humorous to him. I know he likes me.

  But he didn't love me. I don't think Fred Montgomery was capable of love. He hasn't had anyone to show him love once his mother passed away. Because he didn't know love, he wouldn't allow me to love him.

  I pulled out my phone and called Katy. She was the first person that came to mind and anyone was better than the man driving the taxi. She answered right before the answering machine kicked in. "Hey!" Her voice rang out clear in the boxed in place and I couldn't stop the tears from finally falling. I tried to hold back the choking gasps the best I could but failed miserably. "Oh my God, Annaanna, what's wrong?"

  I ignored the taxi's drivers eyes that gazed at me cautiously in the rear view mirror. I instantly felt guilty and sniffled out an apology which was answered by a quick shake of his head and the dismissal of his stare.

  "Anna, what's the matter? Are

  you hurt?"

  "Katy, I'm so stupid," I whimpered wiping the tears from my face. New York whizzed past the windows and it didn't take long until I was back on c
ampus and dropped off at my dorm. I tipped the driver the extra money that Mr. Montgomery gave me for that time I watched Matty because Lord knows this was an uncomfortable ride for this poor man.

  I told her everything. And I mean everything. I told her about meeting Fred for the first time at that party. I didn't leave out a single detail because I was afraid that if I didn't mention everything then it was like it didn't happen, that it was a fragment of my imagination.

  I told her about the nightclub and the dinner party. I told her about last night. I told her about this morning. Lastly, I hiccuped out this past hour.

  "Oh, Annaanna," Katy cooed. "Pat told me you were having a hard time adjusting but I didn't know this was going on. Why didn't you call me sooner?" I walked the campus, wiping my tears as people walked by me oblivious to my personal troubles. Sitting down on a wooden bench along a dark watered pond, I rested my head in my free hand. I didn't realize my uncle knew me better than to believe my faux cheery weekly phone calls.

  "I was afraid that you would tell me what I needed to hear," I confessed. Because that was the truth. I liked that someone like Fred was giving me attention even if it was the wrong attention. But to my defense, I didn't and still don't think he didn't feel something for me. I was stupid enough to think I was changing him from being the manwhore that he was.

  "It

  was a mistake, Anna, and sometimes you have to experience the mistake to see it for what it is: A mistake."

  "It's a disaster," I moaned, wiping the last of my tears off my cheeks. "Hey, sometimes disasters can be beautiful," she said with a smile in her voice. I could imagine her now with the phone caught between her ear and her shoulder probably sitting at her desk reading a magazine. "It gives you a chance to make the mess into something better than it was before."

  Fred was beautiful. Even when his personality and actions are ugly there was something that surrounded him that made me glow. The charisma shimmered off him giving him the illusion that he was divine. So, so beautiful.

  "You're so wise." I made it sound like I was being sarcastic but her words rang true. Now I could make myself better after seeing what a mess I had put myself through.