by Bruce Thomas
"I really am, aren't I?" I could hear the smile in her voice.
"Lessoned learned," I mused. I took a second to calm down and breathe. I pushed my hair out of my face and listened to Katy's shrilling laughter.
"I know you, Anna, and you aren't putting this behind you. Do you love him?"
I closed my eyes and nodded. I realized that she couldn't see me but I had to answer myself first before her. "Yes, yes I do." Katy let out a long sigh. "Wow."
"Yeah, wow." I let out a shaky laugh. This was a mess.
Katy turned quiet on the other end for a few beats and I felt my ears prick as if she wasn't telling me something. "Spit it out, Kay." She sighed
again and I braced myself for what was about to come out of her mouth.
"Taylor and I broke up." My mouth fell open. I expected her to tell me how stupid I was about using the big L-O-V-E but not this! "What?" I gasped. "When?"
"Last week." I could hear the sadness in her voice and that killed me.
"Why did you two break up?" I wasn't going to accuse her of not telling me sooner because, let's face it, I haven't exactly been the world's best friend. "He kept Annanging up the whole marriage thing," she said with exasperation. "I mean, yeah I want to marry him and all but we're so young and he's the only boy I've even been with and I don't know, was I stupid to have broken it off because of that?"
The wind was becoming chilly and it whipped my hair around my face with every gust of air. Deciding that I was calm enough to go back inside, I stood up and made my way back to the dorms. Katy and Taylor had been together since the sixth grade when she got hit in the face playing foursquare and had blood gushing everywhere from her nose. Taylor saw and came over from playing basketball and helped her to the nurse's office. Ever since then he had been waiting on her every need. I was always jealous of the way he considered her before doing anything, as if her happiness was more important than anything else in the world.
I always figured they would get married right out of high school and she would pop out a baby by the time I was finished with college. It was what most people did in my hometown. "Did it feel right at the time?" I asked making my way up the
stairs to my floor.
"Yeah, but now...I miss him."
"Was it a messy breakup?"
"No," she said sounding worried. "I mean, we both cried and stuff but he was really quiet and just left. I haven't heard from him since. Whenever the twins go out, I tag along but, Tay never comes with. I thought we could still be friends and all but it seems that when you love someone but can't anymore, the whole friendship thing doesn't exactly work out. Too much history there to put behind you."
Selfishly, this made me think of Fred and me. There was no going back from here on out. Things would always be difficult for us because I loved him and he didn't love me. The scale would always be tipped. "I'm really sorry, Katy," I said as I reached my door.
"I wish you were here right now. I could really use my girl friend. I can't talk about this stuff with the twins. They would probably convulse and die." She made a comedic sound on the other end of the phone and I laughed along with her no matter how sad we both sounded.
I would like nothing else than to be home right now. I never thought I would say that but I wanted to go home. "Just another few weeks and I'll be there."
I walked inside once I ended the phone call and to my surprise I found Janet sitting in the kitchen staring at the wall.
"Oh my gosh." I placed my hand over my heart startled at the sight of her. "You scared me." When she didn't make any sign of acknowledging my presence I called out her name. When she still didn't answer, I walked over and stood in front of her. "Janet, what's wrong?"
Her face was pale under her dark complexion and her shoulders were hunched as if she was caving in on herself. Within a blink of an eye, she dropped her face in her hands and heaved a sob. Dropping to my knees, I wrapped my arms around her.
Her slight frame shook under my hold as sob after sob racked through her body. I didn't ask any questions until she calmed down and pulled away.
"Janet you're scaring me. What happened?"
She shook her head and breathed out another cry. I rubbed her knee soothingly until she looked me in the eye. But she looked away quickly and continued to shake her head. I was startled when she stood up and walked away. I stayed where I was because I was too mentally exhausted to move. Too many tears were shed today. It wouldn't surprise me if her and I were both on the same cycle from living together for so long.
When she reentered the room, I straightened and waited for her to speak. She had her hands clasped around something in front of her and before my brain could measure what it was she spoke. "I'm pregnant."
The world seemed to stop and fall away leaving just me and Janet and the white stick that my mind did not focus in on until now. Words failed to come to me as I stood there looking at her. She looked back down at the stick and sniffled.
"Are you sure?" Were the only words that seemed to popped out of my mouth.
She nodded slowly. "I took five and all of them came back as positive."
A baby...Janet was going to have a baby and with-
"Does Elmer know?" I asked. My brain seemed to restart and I moved towards
her and guided her to the couch.
A choking sound skirted in her throat and she shook her head quickly still looking at the pregnancy test.
"Do you have a clue of how far along you are?" I couldn't stop the questions from coming out but they needed to be asked. A baby was a big deal.
She shook her head again, words still failing her. She heaved a sigh that seemed to shake her whole body and she registered to catch some of her bearings. "I'm not going to tell him." "What? Why?"
"Because I'm not having it."
My breath caught in my chest and I felt like I was going to be sick. "Janet, really think about this..."
"I have," she painfully exclaimed. "I can't take care of a child. God knows Elmer won't take care of a baby and that would leave me to doing it on my own. What would my parents think? They would be so disappointed that their only child dropped out of her second to last year of college because she got knocked up!"
"Maybe if you talked it over with Elmer, saw your options--" I tried telling her, but I was cut short. "I can't, Anna. I can't." More tears streamed down her face and rattled breaths shook her body. "I can't."
This wasn't my decision to make, I knew that, but this was a baby that she was going to make disappear. "Sleep on it tonight, okay. Don't make any rash decisions. But Janet, you and Elmer made what is making those sticks show two lines. Elmer loves you. I know he does. Everything happens for a reason, Becs, I truly believe that."
Janet choked out another sob and I brought her close to me in a hug. "I'm so scared." "I know," I said eyes filling with tears. "I know."
I helped her to bed that night. I made sure she ate something before guiding her to her room and Annanging the blankets over her shaking body. She didn't speak the rest of the night and for that I understood.
I didn't check my phone until I was ready to go to sleep myself. I wasn't going to but I couldn't help the thought that there might be something from Fred. And to my surprise there was. I opened the text and immediately my heart burst in my chest.
Must see you. Come to the Hula.
It was the club that we went to with Janet and everyone the night that I was drugged. The thought of it made me feel physically ill but Fred asked. He had to see me.
My feet decided for me, that I have to see him.
Heyyyyy I'm here no worries. I will try my hardest to update faster I promise! I have things mapped out it's about to get wild. Let's do this. Vote vote vote! Thanks for reading:) =================
29
When I entered the nightclub, I knew right away that this was a mistake. Not only was I making myself seem like an easy target by going against everything I said to Fred today but I was setting myself up for more disappoin
tment. If I wasn't ignoring the little voice in my head, you would think I liked the drama.
The lights flashed red and yellow over the open space as I made my way through the crowd of sweaty bodies. Embarrassingly, I squeezed myself between a grinding couple who seemed to not care that I was now sandwiched between them. Panicking, I waved them away and stepped to the side to browse the room.
I pulled out my phone to ask Fred where he was at but after trying to get signal, I knew that it was no use. These cement walls were like a cave.
As if the lights were instructed to land on the one person I was looking for, my searching gaze zeroed in on Fred. But that wasn't the only person the light captured.
Bile rose up my throat at the sight of Fred's hand roaming over the back of Sydney, as they grinded their bodies against each other to the music.
I willed myself to turn around, to leave. I couldn't. I turned back to my phone to see that the message was there and I didn't make it up. He texted me to see him.
As if in slow motion, because of the strobe lights, Sydney's devious eyes narrowed in on me. Threading her fingers through Fred's hair, she pressed herself closer to him and smiled wickedly my way. I held back the bile that threatened to make me ill. I willed myself to look away, to leave, but my feet were glued where I stood. I was tired of
being made a fool because the people here seemed to think I was one. Sudden confidence flooded its way through my body. Squaring my shoulders, I stalked towards them. Sydney's eyes grew wide as I approached her. Her hands stilled on Fred who remained oblivious to my arrival while he continued to lazily bob to the music.
"Sydney," I greeted calmly once I approached them. Her eyes narrowed to slits at my manageable tone. At the sound of my voice Fred's head snapped my way. His hands drops from Sydney's back and he stepped away as if he was caught doing something he knew he shouldn't be doing. I wasn't here to tell him what to do with his life. This was me leaving it.
"Anna," Fred said taking a step towards me. His eyes were red rimmed from drinking too much. I could tell by the prominent smell on his breath as he spoke.
I held up my hand to signal him to stop talking. This surprised him. He cocked an eyebrow and looked warily at my hand before I dropped it back to my side. "Let me guess," I said as I slipped my phone into my back pocket. "You stole Fred's phone and texted me to come here. You thought this--" I gestures towards them--"would bother me."
"I don't know what you're talking about," Sydney denied with a flip of her blonde hair over her shoulder. By the surprised look on Fred's face I knew I was right. I wasn't stupid to know that she no doubt deleted the message off his phone to make herself look innocent.
I held up the message on my phone for Fred to read, keeping eye contact with her. Her eyes now lacked confidence as we both waited
for Fred to read the text. The look of confusion on his handsome face only confirmed my suspicion. But I didn't stick around for an explanation. I got the information that I needed and now I was done. I've wasted enough time. Instead of being at home with my terrified friend I was here witnessing something that did indeed bother me.
Spinning on my heels I walked out of the club. All the noise seemed to fade away as I left the building. I didn't hear Fred shouting for me to stop, I didn't hear Sydney begging in that annoying nasally voice of hers for him to leave it be, and I didn't care.
I almost rounded the corner past the nightclub when Fred caught up to me. Why couldn't he just leave me alone? "Go away," I grumbled shaking off his hand that grabbed onto my elbow.
"Anna, stop walking so fast. I'm seeing double," he whined bracing himself against the side of a shop.
"Well maybe you'll see quadruple of this." I held up both middle fingers for him to decipher. Probably wasn't my best moment but I've seen people do much worse here in this city. "Oh, very mature," he chided. His face held a pout that made him look younger. He knew, even while drunk, that he was irresistible. It was even worse for me because my heart was still laying in tattered strips from earlier.
"Piss off." I turned back around and continued to walk away from him.
"I'm not going to ask you again, Annaanna." He pushed himself off the wall. "Stop walking away."
"I hate you!" I couldn't stop the words from spilling out of my mouth. I also couldn't stop the words from continuing to spill out. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"
Fred's face fell and he stilled in his motion to come closer to me. "What?"
"Are you deaf?" I screeched at him. People around us hesitated before they continued their way down the sidewalks. Usually I would be embarrassed and blush because I was drawing attention to myself. Now, I was beat red with anger. I felt like I was going to either explode or crumble. "That's what you wanted though, right? Well congrats dude because I do. I hate you!"
Fred shut his eyes tightly and shook his head slowly. "No. No. Don't say that. You don't mean that. You love me. You said so." "Well, I take it back," I stubbornly claimed. This felt so childish.
"You can't take it back," he demanded. His voice was no longer low and slurred. It seemed to become more and more panicked as I flung my fury at him. "Please, don't take it back Anna."
I stopped walking and jerked back around. When I got in his face, I don't think I've ever seen Fred so caught off guard. I felt hot all over and I was literally seeing red. "How dare you," I seethed. "How dare you treat me like this. I have been nothing but kind to you. I helped you when you had to deal with your father. I stuck up for you when people said nothing but horrible stuff about you. But I shouldn't have because they were right! You're a child who doesn't have a plan. You have no clue what you're doing with your life. You are going nowhere. You're a terrible, egotistic, manchild who will never be happy because you won't try!"
Fred's eyes fell flat as I now stood in front of him, chest heaving and eyes becoming glossy. At the sound of heels clicking against the sidewalk and a blurb of blonde hair catching my eye behind Fred, Sydney approached us. She looked between Fred and me with pinched lips and arms crossed.
Fred's dead gaze still laid flat on me. The string that invisibly hooked us together seemed to tighten and beg for me not to walk away. I looked back at him hoping to see some response in his eyes, but like normal, things didn't go my way. They remained lifeless and drunk.
"Get some help, Fred," I said, suggesting his drunken state, "before it's too late."
And with that I walked away. Again. And damn did it feel good in a really bad way.
I rushed back to my dorm as quickly as my legs would take me. The burning that usually settled in my stomach after a fight with Fred made me push open the door to the apartment as noiselessly as possible. I barely made it to the bathroom before I emptied my stomach into the toilet.
Where did I go wrong with him? When did I fall in love with him? Why couldn't I have chosen Dakota or someone as sweet and easygoing as him. I knew these questions would never be answered because there was only one answer. The heart wants what it wants.
Right now, my heart wanted Iowa. I wanted to go home. Cleaning myself up, I made my way back into my room. Closing the door, I pulled open my laptop and bought the first plane ticket that would allow me to leave right after finals were over. I was leaving earlier than I had planned but I couldn't stay here
any longer than necessary.
* * * * *
The days went on as normal: I woke up, choked down a granola bar, went to class, came home, did homework, went to sleep. The only thing that disturbed my daily routine was Elmer sitting down next to me at the kitchen table while I worked on my Bio homework.
I tried my best to ignore him, focusing on the scribbles I was making on my notebook paper as I copied down notes. I could feel his eyes burning into the side of my face. It didn't take long for me to set down my pencil and turn my attention on him.
Smiling overly sweet, I waited for him to speak. I clamped my jaw tightly because I hoped he would do all the talking and I wouldn't have to say anythin
g.
"What is up with you girls lately? It's like the plague swept apartment 307." He laughed at his little joke but I found it hard to appease him. So much was happening in such a short time. I felt exhausted. "Thing's have been sort of wacky," I confirmed pushing my curls out of my face.
Elmer's eyes seared holes into me as I picked back up my pencil and went back to writing. It didn't take long for me to drop my pencil again, sighing. "What, Elmer?" He looked me deep into my eyes as I tried to hold his. I knew Janet didn't tell him yet about the baby and I really didn't want to be the one to spill the beans. I couldn't imagine how mad Janet would be at me.
Elmer shook his head and replaced his worried look with a forced smile. "Nothing. Just worried about a friend. That friend being you." I immediately felt guilty. I didn't even know he considered me as
a friend. I just thought he put up with me because I was his girlfriend's roommate.
"I'm fine," I said looking away from him and back at my notes.
"That's what people who aren't say."
I rolled my head his way and slouched in my chair. I was never a good liar but I knew I couldn't say anything. Not only was I embarrassed about admitting my love for Fred who denied me but I hated Elmer not knowing about Janet's pregnancy.
"I'm just stressed, that's all." I patted his hand giving him a genuine smile. As I was packing up my things into my arms Janet walked in. "Elmer!" She looked over at me as if I would help her but I avoided her gaze and stalked back to my room. "What are you doing here? We weren't supposed to see each other until the weekend. Aren't you supposed to be in the Hamptons helping you father?"
"I didn't want to spends a whole week away from you so I came home early," he said walking up to her and wrapping his arms around her waist. I gave Janet a hard look but tried making it subtle enough for Elmer not to see. "I'm going to go downstairs to get a coffee. " I didn't wait for anyone to say anything as I grabbed my key and made my way to the stairs.
As I entered the Starbucks cafe on the bottom floor I was blindsided by no other than Dakota. He jerked around as he passed, recognizing me. I smiled at him.