Beautiful Life

by Bruce Thomas

  "No." I stepped to the left eyeing something imaginary on my shoe.

  "Well, that was...something then." He hauled my suitcase into his hand and snapped the handle shut in front of him.

  "Yeah," I said sniffling. Having to say goodbye to these people was probably one of the hardest things I have had to do in a while.

  Janet came over and wrapped her arms around my neck. I stumbled backwards before maintaining my balance and hugging her back around the waist.

  "I'm going to miss you so much," she whispered in my ear. We hashed out all of our feelings last night over tubs of rocky road ice cream and Footloose. She was upset when I told her that I couldn't stay here in New York. She asked if it was because of Fred and I couldn't deny it. I couldn't concentrate in this city with the thought that he was in it's borders living his life without being in mine. Too much happened in such a short amount of time that it tainted my look on my education here.

  Of course, when I told my uncle I was moving back home, he was ecstatic. He joked that Cathie hadn't made my room into a giant pantry yet and even promised me a new set of wheels when I returned. Katy was even more thrilled at the fact that we would be on the same campus and things would be like they used to be.

  Except I was different now. I was more vocal when it came to having a say in my life. I wasn't that shy, insecure girl that I once was when I left my quaint town for this big city. I experienced things here that I could take home with me even though I wish my feelings for Fred would stay behind.

  And he didn't know I was not returning.

  I couldn't say goodbye to him. It hurt too much.

  He stood in front of me now, reaching forward to take my other bags out of my hands. "I'm going to go put these in my car," he said heading towards the entrance. I was reluctant when he asked if I needed a ride to the airport but accepted because it was easier than taking a cab. I knew I was making it harder on myself to say goodbye but it was almost as if I needed these last minimal minutes with him. As if I was getting closure by doing so, I could put it all behind me.

  I watched him head to his car that was visible up front through the glass doors. Janet took advantage of our Fred-free time and spun me in front of her.

  "Call me once a week. I mean it. I'm going to need a friend like you more than ever." She looked down at her stomach before pulling me back into a hug. "Love you, girl." "I love you too," I said just as Fred was coming back through the main entrance.

  I then realized that I

  had said 'I love you' to these people more times in my short 6 months here than I ever had. Those words seemed to flow out freely here, like I was a different person who could love without feeling held back. I quickly erased my tears and Janet did the same. She rushed over and cuddled up to Elmer's side as he stood there with a frown on his face. He begged me last night to tell Fred, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. "Man, you girls are so weepy," Fred joked surprising us with a smile. I almost broke down all over again at how beautiful and rare it was. "I'm ready," I said stepping around him and placed my hand on the door. I turned around one last time and sent myself off with a wave and a sad smile. Janet and Elmer, along with Anne and Bruce who stood away from the crowd, waved back trying to look happy though I knew they were putting on a show for my sake. Fred followed behind me and even opened the door for me to climb into his SUV.

  I thanked him and he shut the door and rounded the front of his car to get behind the wheel. Once we were both strapped into the car and on the busy streets, he spoke.

  "Are you excited to see your Uncle and--" he snapped his fingers trying to remember her name. "Cathie?" "Uh huh," I answered looking out the window. In the short amount of time that I have been in the city, I was disappointed in how little I actually saw. Like the time that Fred "showed me around" there wasn't much in this part of the city that didn't consist of tall skyscrapers and busy walkways. I still felt like I could have adventured out more and tried new

  things. I guess you think of the should haves when you were saying goodbye.

  "Is everything okay, Anna? I thought we were good?" Fred sent quick glances my way, trying his best to keep his eyes on the road.

  "No, we are," I assured him. We were as good as we were allowing ourselves to be. "I'm just sad about leaving."

  He chuckled setting every cell in my body to life. I loved the sound of his husky laugh. "Your break is only, what, a month?" He smiled my way once again. "You'll be back in no time." My heart gave a heavy thump knowing that what he said wasn't true. How was I supposed to tell him that I wasn't coming back to New York? That I was leaving because it hurt too much to be in the same city as him.

  I didn't say anything the rest of the ride to the airport. When he pulled over to the side to get my bags out of the back of his trunk I sat there for a second staring at my ticket. It was one way. Iowa was it's last and only stop for the time being.

  To be honest, it didn't take more than a single day after Fred and I ended things on good terms to make up my mind. I knew that I couldn't walk the campus wondering if he would pop up out of nowhere like he usually did. I couldn't listen to the gossip that went around about him hooking up with new girls. He walked with me as far as he was allowed to go. I took my suitcase handle from him once we were outside of security.

  The moment I had been dreading had now arrived. People around us were either hugging in greeting or departing with saddened looks on their faces. Fred's facial expression seemed to become less guarded as the clock ticked by. I knew now was the time to tell him. "I don't know what to say," I ended up saying. We stood toe to toe on the navy blue carpet both slightly unbalanced there. Fred rocked on his feet and fidgeted with his coat zipper. The nervous movement made me want to reach out and hold him still but I stood my ground and didn't make any advance towards him.

  "I have something to say," he said as if he was unsure.

  I looked up at him, my eyes feeling large and round. My heart beat profusely in my chest. For a second I swore I was going to pass out. "Okay." Fred took a step closer to me. My eyes flutter closed at the feel of him brushing a stray strand of hair out of my face. The words were on the tip of his tongue as I watched his mouth waver. I wanted to hear them so badly.

  "Have a safe flight." My heart fell to the pit of my stomach. My eyes stayed close as he leaned forward and kissed my cheek. The warm feeling of his lips on my skin instantly relaxed me. I fought the wave of sadness as it settled in and smiled softly at him.

  The warmth that touched my cheek spread through my veins and settled in my stomach, leaving me frazzled. His eyes were heavily lidded when he pulled his head back a few inches to connect his eyes to mine. I tried to remember the strange mix of colors in them; greens, blues, browns, every average color of an eye. He made those average colors look like a burst of stardust in the galaxy.

  His eyes darted between both of mine as he kept this distance between our faces. The look he displayed on his face

  was a mix of uncertainty and pain. I nodded my head, whether meaning to walk away or kiss me, and thank the high heavens he chose to kiss me. Gripping both side of my head he crashed his lips to mine. I kissed him back with a gripping need to never let him go and was happy/sad/angry/relieved when he did the same. Over and over his lips puckered against mine. I ran my hands through his hair one last time. I ran my hands over his broad shoulders and up to my face to grip onto his hands cupping my cheek.

  When our kiss ended and our lips disconnected, he brought his forehead down to mine. Even with my eyes closed tears managed to leak down my cheeks. This was so painful. How did people manage to live after saying goodbye to someone they cared so deeply for? I for one, felt like I was losing everything. Feeling his forehead pressed against mine for a second longer, I sniffled and broke away. I didn't look at his face again as I spun around and wheeled my luggage to the correct gate. I stepped onto the escalator and slowly--painfully, achingly, slowly--I left Fred Montgomery standing there watching me go.

  Ange
r didn't hit me until I was walking into my terminal. I was feeling this heartbreak because he wouldn't allow himself to love me. He cared for me but he wouldn't allow us to care for each other. How dare he act like this was hurting him when it was killing me? This didn't have to hurt if he would just allow us to work.

  The flight from New York into Des Moines was a little over three hours. I thought

  that would give me time to nap and look refreshed when I saw my family but that didn't happen. I couldn't stop crying. The middle aged woman next to me kept looking at me like she wanted to ask if I was alright but she never spoke it verbally. I spent the entire flight with my head rested against the window, which I requested so I could look out for my first plane ride, but I paid no attention to the view. The only thing that would make it worthwhile was if Fred was hanging onto the wing of the plane for dear life yelling at me to look.

  My uncle and Cathie stood with a corny sign that read Welcome Home You're Never Leaving Again. I wanted to laugh but couldn't get myself to do it.

  "Creative," I commented wrapping my arm around my uncle and his girlfriend in a hug. Pat sighed heavily in my hair as I hugged him and Cathie rubbed my back in circular motions which was just the right amount of comfort that I needed.

  "Welcome home, squirt," Pat said squeezing me tightly one more time before he held me out at arms length. "Have you lost weight?" I didn't bother to answer him because he was right. I had since leaving home lost a few pounds from all the stress that I encountered during my time in New York. I couldn't keep a single meal down since meeting Fred.

  "Oh, Anna, it's so good to see you." Cathie yanked me away from my uncle and wrapped her arms around me. I breathed in the smell of vanilla and cold air as she held me, rocking back and forth. "I'm happy to see you too. Both of you." I reached out and wrapped an arm our my uncle so I had them both caged to my sides. "Let's go home."

  When I stepped on Iowan soil for the first time in almost five months I wasn't surprised to see that snow had already graced the ground we walked on. It was rush hour in the city of Des Moines and I couldn't help but compare this traffic to New York's. What I once thought was ridiculous and time savvy was now a walk in the park. Sitting in the front of Pat's pickup, sandwich between him and Cathie, it was like I almost never left.

  The second we arrive back to the house, I hauled my things up to my old bedroom and curled up in a blanket on my bed. Uncle Pat and Cathie exchanged concerned looks as they watched me sluggishly move up the stairs and disappear behind my closed door.

  The warmth of my home and the smell of familiarity was enough to allow me to sleep for the first time in what felt like forever. =================

  32

  I was woken up by something wet sliding across my neck. My first instinct was to bat Fred away and giggle like a schoolgirl but the licking wouldn't stop. I wouldn't have mind if it wasn't for the faul hot breath and drool dripping onto my chest.

  When I opened my eyes, the frantic tongue licked my nose. I jolted away from the visible, hyper, beagle that bounced off my chest and out of my bedroom. Uncle Pat showed up seconds later with a lopsided grin on his face. "See you met Chuck." "When the hell did we get a dog?"

  He laughed and took out a rag from his back pocket and cleaned his oil stained hands. "Got a little too quiet around here when you left so Cathie and I adopted a howler."

  "Friendly dog," I murmured wiping my hand across my face where he left a trail of doggy scented saliva. "Can't you take him back now that I'm back?"

  Uncle Pat scoffed and pushed off the door frame. "Chuck's part of the family now, Anna. There's been a few changes. You'll get used to it."

  He could say that again. I internally groaned because all I wanted to do was go back to sleep and shut my brain off. I managed for the first time in a long time not to dream a single thing while I slept. It was a few hours of peace until reality sunk back in.

  "Now, why don't you get up and take Chuck for a walk. Go see Katy or something. I'm sure you told her you were coming home. Also sure you're wanting to start JuCo in January so you might want to make a few calls before it's too late."

  "Ugh, stop talking." I collapsed back on my pillow and buried myself under the covers. It became quiet again and I assumed that meant he went back downstairs. Getting the will power to haul my butt out of bed, I swung my legs over the side and my feet met cold hardwood flooring.

  It was strange. It truly was like I never left. My time in New York seemed like a faint dream. Everything was so familiar still, which was dumb to even cross my mind because I lived here for over eighteen years of my life. But still. If I closed my eyes and blocked out the past five months, it was like they never happened.

  Chuck came running back into my room and up onto my bed, causing me to start backwards. I've never really been a fan of dogs. They were so hyper and I clearly wasn't. His paws dug themselves into my lap and I held his head back while he licked my chin again. I held his face between my hands.

  "Well, buddy, may as well get on with our lives, huh." He cocked his head to the side as if he understood me and I leaned forwards and kissed his nose. As if he didn't like that, he sneezed. "Want to go for a walk and fill me in on all I've missed?"

  Walking down the streets that were so familiar made my stomach flip. I was supposed to leave this place and venture out in the world to find myself. How did I let myself come back here? To stay, too. Here I was, in New York City, excited only a few months ago ready to start my life. Maybe I did find myself in that short amount of time. Maybe I found out that I hate boys and that I was to become a nun. Chuck reared off to another bush, a bush that looked exactly the same as the last thirty that we stopped by. People drove by shouting my name with a friendly wave and I returned the favor because the last thing I needed was for someone to start a chain of gossip on how I returned from the great city only to stay here in a retirement town like I was ninety years old.

  I rounded the corner to see Katy's blue porch come into view. Like I figured she would be, Katy's mom, Cindy, jumped up from her rocking chair and carried herself down the stairs, and wrapped me in a hug. "Oh my little Banana Bean, I've missed seeing your face around here. How are you, dear?" "I'm fine, how are you?" I lightly replied. I smiled fondly at her nickname for me as I brought her back into a hug. Her and my uncle graduated high school together and were friends so when Mom left, she sorta stepped in and picked up the mom duties. Took me to softball practice, a few dance classes that Katy forced me into taking with her when she was going through her pink phase, when Uncle Pat couldn't.

  "Same old, same old," she said guiding me up the porch steps. Chuck sniffed all of Cindy's rose bushes while I waited for Katy's mom to go inside and get my friend. When Katy pushed through the screen door she practically flung herself at me. I hugged her back just as tight, crushing her to me until she tapped out then pulled back to look at my face. Her smile slowly faded. Being my best friend she knew me too well.

  Cindy went inside and out of the cold only to returned with hot chocolate. She patted my shoulder once again before going back in through the screen door, leaving Katy and me alone. My uncle's beagle roamed

  the lightly dusted white lawn while we sat in silence drinking our coco.

  "So," Katy said after a few seconds of serene quiet. "How did things end with that boy."

  I shrugged a shoulder. This was the main reason I really didn't want to come over. I didn't want to talk about this. Just the mention of Fred sent a ripple of pain across my chest. I could have sworn he was going to say that he loved me too when he dropped me off at the airport but it never happened.

  "How are things with Tayler? Did you talk to him some more?"

  Katy looked down into her mug and mimicked my shrug. "I have so much to say to him but I can't get myself to say it. It's like my brain freezes and I'm worried that if I asked him to take me back he won't want to and then I'll be..." She bit her lip and sighed. "Broken."

  "But you still love him." I have neve
r seen two people care so much about each other. Taylor and Katy were great together. "People make mistakes, you know." She pulled her sweater over both her hands, covering them from the chill. "I got bored for a while but soon realized that I would take that every day, same old routine, just to spend time with him because without him around it's tormenting. I thought I needed to experience more guys but I can't because it will always be him."

  "Tell him that."

  "I will," she said before taking a sip from her mug. "I will."

  It was silent for a few minutes while we both contemplated our lives. Things used to be so easy, back when we were caged here and didn't think much about our future.

  I was surprised when Katy took

  out her phone, making a huge ruckus when she couldn't get it out of her back pocket. "I'm going to call him right now to meet up." I stood up and called for Chuck. I figured they wouldn't want to around for this. "Good luck." She sent a wink my way before she went back into her house.

  I took my time going back home. I'll rephrase that, Chuck took his time heading back home. I for one was freezing my booty off while I waited for him to pee on every street corner. It didn't take long until I got a phone call from Katy saying everything was good with her and Taylor. I was beyond happy to hear that because they were both my friends and I didn't want it to come to the point where they would want me to choose sides.

  "Do you want to go to the play that is showing at the college tonight? Tom Veeny get's shot, I heard," she asked, her voice lighter than what it was earily. I was happy to hear it that way. At least one of us was happy.

  I agreed to go, mostly because I couldn't stand Tom Veeny who cut a chunk of my hair during art class in the fifth grade and wouldn't mind seeing him covered in fake blood. He also pulled a prank on me when we were both ten and it happened to contain fake blood. Karma.

  The play was horribly boring which wasn't a surprise. The actors were mostly the same people that I graduated high school with so I have seen them perform many times. They were all way too animated and Kathleen Reynolds did the same fake cry she did in the high school plays.