by Bruce Thomas
"Come on," I breathed, shaking the pen rapidly trying to get the ink to flow to the point. As if my night couldn't get more frustrating, the tip of the pen flew off and ink splattered all over the top of Fred's glass table top.
I froze for a second, as if I moved, so would the ink. "No, no, no, no, no." I rushed to the kitchen where Fred kept his cleaning supplies and quickly opened the cabinet under the sink where the Windex was. After pushing aside dozens of bottles, the Windex came into view. But before I shut the cabinet door my eyes caught sight of the pink case of what looked to be my laptop. It would have gone unseen if it wasn't for the glint from the kitchen light reflecting on the metallic case.
I reached for it, setting aside the Windex bottle. Yup, that was my laptop. What was it doing under the sink of all places? I sat back for a second trying to think this over. Maybe I put it there on accident without thinking? I sat there stunned because this wasn't making any sense to me. Shaking it off, I picked up the cleaner and proceeded to wipe off the ink from the glass.
It seemed worthless now to start over and type all my notes on my laptop so I put it all aside, too frustrated to look at it anymore. Where was Fred?
I looked at the clock to see it was almost two o'clock in the morning. Nothing good happens after midnight or at least that was what my uncle used to say. Something didn't feel right to me. Scenarios of Fred dead on the sidewalk popped up in my mind. What was with these horrible thoughts of death lately?
With a sigh, I jumped up and started rummaging through the place. I needed to find something that would give me a clue as to where Fred went tonight. I had a hunch he wasn't with friends because he would have invited me to come along. Or so you would think. Plus, Fred doesn't really have friends. So it must be something to do with--this is sad. I don't even know!
My breathing became shallow and the abandonment I felt in my chest began to squeeze at my heart and lungs. Visions of my mother leaving and then returning whenever she needed a new change of clothing flashed in front of my eyes and I began to panic. I haven't gotten a panic attack in years. It would be my luck that I get one over Fred not telling me where the heck he went.
I began searching faster, more rapid than my brain could work, tearing his place apart until I stopped. In front of me laying plain as day on the desk near the bed was a business card from the Flamingo, the club that was well known in this area.
Ice crawled up in my veins at the logo of the outline of a naked girl holding a pink flamingo as a drink jumped out at me. Like a psychic something told me Fred was here.
Without a thought, I hailed a taxi down and told them the address on the business card. What the hell, Fred. What the hell. What was he doing there this late? Why
didn't he tell me he was going to be out this late? Couldn't he have shot me a text? I looked down at my phone to see if he answered any of the two messages that I recently sent him. I chose two because I didn't want to come off as panicked. I swear to God if he was there with another girl...
I felt crazy, rabid. I was literally seeing red. I was scared that this thing Fred and I had was finally going to come to an end but most of all I was scared that something was wrong; that Fred was in danger. That constant paranoia I have lingered in my stomach making me want to puke.
When the taxi stopped in front of the club, I practically tossed the money at the driver and jumped out. My body was becoming to feel jittery from the adrenaline running through my veins. I literally felt sick. Do you ever get that sixth sense, where you know something bad is about to happen? Where your body is screaming at you to get back in the taxi and drive somewhere that you feel the safest because shit was about to hit the fan. Yeah, well that sense was kicking in and my stupid self was ignoring it.
I walked up to the bouncer who happened looked extremely bored. He looked down at me, dwarfing me in size, as I asked him if he's seen Fred. I knew he had to know him. At first I described him to the guy but he kept shaking his head.
"He left about fifteen minutes ago. You just missed him." The bouncer then looked away to usher a group of slimly dressed girls into the club.
"Thanks," I said turning away. The panicked feeling began to subside. Fred was probably heading home as we speak. By the time I get back to his apartment, he will be in bed waiting for me to join him. I kept talking myself up as I stood at the curb to hail down another cab. Everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be just fine. Everyone is safe... A loud clatter sprang off the walls behind me where an alley was stationed in the darkness of the night. I hated that it was almost three o'clock in the morning and I was standing on the side of the road in the city completely vulnerable to any attacker. In my rush to leave the house to find Fred I had forgotten my pepper spray.
Another clatter, like a trash can lid, rang through the air and then there was shouting. I would have ran the opposite way if it wasn't for the fact that the person shouting for them to listen to him didn't say Fred's name.
My feet took off without my permission and I ran down the alley way until I saw a group of about three men, one being Fred. At my abrupt appearance, they all stopped arguing and turned to look at me.
"Annaanna?" Fred's voice slit the black night like glass, spearing me right in the heart. You would have thought I would have been relieved to see him after my hours of wondering where he was but I wasn't. Relief was not what I was feeling just then.
My heart gave a solid thud in my chest when one of the men turned around and pointed a gun right at me. =================
38
"Hey!" Fred shouted. All the color drained from his face when he saw me. The man continued to point the gun at me, his eyes pinned to my face as if he was remembering every feature before he gunned me down where I stood.
"Hey!" Fred shouted again when the man didn't move. I didn't move either. I couldn't even breathe. "This is between you and me. Let her go, okay? She didn't see anything, right?" Fred looked back at me as if he expected me to nod or speak but I could do neither. My feet stayed solid to the wet concrete and my brain detached itself from my body. There is a gun pointed at my head!
"She won't say anything. Just let her walk away, Pete."
"Don't say my name!" The gunman shouted. He finally took his eyes off me and turned his head to Fred. My body started to panic more now that his attention was on the man I thought I knew so well. Fred put his hands up in defense with the gun now pointed his way. I have never seen Fred scared before but he was beyond frightened by the frantic look in his eyes. They ticked back and forth between the man and me but my eyes stayed solely on the gun.
"I'll get you twice the amount by tomorrow," Fred said, his voice going back to a registered calm. His hands went down and he took a step towards the man, Pete. It was strange how not even a second ago he looked scared and now he was his calm self again. It was like he shut it off like a light switch. He shut off what makes him most human.
The man lowered his gun and ticked it in the direction to where they both stood. "Twice the amount and give me a little something extra
on the side, Montgomery. You owe me that much. If you don't follow through, I'll hunt you down. But it won't be your life to go first." He turned his head back to my direction making my heart pound strongly in my chest. A smile that would have been considered sweet spread across his face before the venomous words let loose into the open air. "I'll kill her and have you watch me while I do it. Then, I'll end your worthless life."
I think a sob escaped my throat but I wasn't very sure. All the noise seemed to get sucked away leaving me staring at the scene before me. Something flashed before Fred's features before they went implacid again. "Ok. Fine. Tomorrow, ten." "Ten." The men started making his way to me and for a second I thought he was going to tackle me to the ground. I held my breath and he passed. My vision blurred as the scene sank in.
"Oh my God," I choked out once Fred and I were the only ones in the alley.
Fred rushed to me and braced me by placing his hands
on my arms. "Let's get out of here." "Oh my God," I repeated, not hearing a single word he was saying. "You're a--Oh my God."
"Anna, we can't just stand here, we have to leave. Now." He started to grab me by the arm to take me back out in the open busy streets but I shook him off. "Like hell I'm going anywhere with you!"
Fred sighed. "Anna, don't make a scene. Let's go home."
I shook him off again when he started tugging me towards his SUV. "Get off me!"
He let go quickly which caught me off guard more than it should have. The cold
air hurt as I gulped down breaths. I just had a gun put to my head with a death threat added on top of that. I was in a relationship with a drug dealer. Oh my God... "I can't believe you!" I screamed at him. Heads turned in our direction but like normal no one approached us. "After everything, you ceased to tell me that you sell drugs for a living. Drugs, Fred. As in something I am 100 percent against!"
"Oh right, Anna, because everything is sunshine and rainbows where you come from." "Yeah," I snorted, now pissed. "Because sunshine and rainbows produce drug addict mothers." Fred's face erased itself again, leaving it hard to read. "I'm sorry. I forgot."
"Forgot? Forgot? Fred, this is--" I had no words. I was beyond disappointed. He lied. He lied about his occupation time and time again. He puts himself in danger by putting himself in sketchy situations all for money.
I turned on my heels and started to walk down the sidewalk away from him. I couldn't breathe the same air as him knowing he sells drugs. Knowing he lied about an important detail without batting an eyelash. I know I should have known he was lying. I mean, I did know, but I wasn't thinking it was this. It all makes sense now to the point that I'm baffled as to how naive I am. "Please, stop," Fred begged catching up to me. "Let's just go home. I could explain everything and we could talk about this. You're always telling me not to walk away but that's what you're doing. Come one, let's go home."
Home. I wanted to cry even more than I already was. I now hated that word. My heart felt like it was moved a little to the right away from it's home. I was looking at Fred, my home, in a whole different way. It was like reality set in and I was seeing things for how they really were. "You're kidding yourself if you think I consider your place home." Meanness dripped on my words which I couldn't stop from forming. It was a defence mechanism in protecting myself. I could shut myself off too. Two could play that game.
Fred seemed to freeze. He shook his head once and reached out for me again. "You don't mean that. Let's go."
"No." I yanked myself away from him. Something clicked within me and I knew how I was going to have to react in this situation. "I can walk to the car myself."
Fred stood there confused as I passed him and hopped into the car. My misplaced heart screamed at me for putting it in this situation but I ignored it and did what I knew was the right thing to do. I almost didn't want to hear what Fred had to say. There wasn't a single okay thing about this situation; how not telling me, about doing it in the first place, nothing. "It's the only thing that I could get my hands on, Anna. I needed money and a buddy of mine set me up when I was seventeen. It was the only thing. I needed to get out of my father's house and I needed fast money in order to do it on my own. I didn't have a choice."
I rolled my eyes that were directed out the window as Fred neared his apartment. He was trying to guilt me into forgiveness and I wasn't buying it. This was the last straw. First it was his mind games, then it was Sydney, now this. Looking
over at Fred now, I saw the one person I couldn't handle to see; my mother.
"I know you're upset right now and that's understandable," Fred continued. His eyes kept frantically switching from the road to me but I couldn't look at him. "But I just need you to understand." I jumped out of the car when he parked it outside the apartment complex. I walked in front of him and turned the key that he gave me into the lock before shoving the door open and heading for the suitcase that held my clothing.
"What are you doing?" Fred stood there motionless as he watched me grab all my things. He stepped in my way of the door when I yanked it back open. "You can't leave. Pete pretty much tagged you tonight. By showing up you put yourself in danger. You have to stay here where you are safe." Those eyes of his, even when his face was emotionless, gave him away to how he was feeling. For someone who never even told me he loved me, he sure looked heartbroken for me leaving in that moment.
Bitterness rose like pile up my throat. "Then you better give him what he asked for, Montgomery." I pushed past him and once again was surprised that he let me go. I knew that Janet had a free room if her roommate wasn't in again and even if she was, I would gladly settle for the couch. Before walking through the door, I placed his spare key he had given me on the small table. I left without looking back.
Some sick part of me was hoping that Fred would run down the stairs and stop me but that was pushed aside by anger. That anger stayed there until I got to Janet's when it turned
to heart wrenching sadness. After knocking on the door a few times, Janet finally opened it to a tear stained me quietly sobbing to myself. I knew that Janet had to know, considering her boyfriend is Fred's friend but I didn't have it in me to be angry at her once she wrapped her arms around me and guided me into the apartment.
Unlucky for me, I met her new roommate looking like a sobbing mess. She opened my old door to see what was going on and I pathetically waved to her. She asked if we all wanted some tea and I nodded pathetically.
Whitney, the new roommate, was nice. Actually, she was probably the nicest person I have ever met. She was more timid, unlike Janet, which is probably why Janet wasn't too gung ho about her. She stayed quiet while I talked and Janet listened. Whitney was going to leave but I said she could stay. It was like I needed girl power around me or else I would feel even weaker.
"Wait, Fred Montgomery? I've heard that name before. He's notorious around here," Whitney said once I stopped talking. Janet looked over at her warningly.
"Not helping." "I thought I knew him. I mean, I know he has baggage and stuff but I thought the good outweighed the bad. And we were doing so good. But this...I don't know if I could get past this. It's too much. I don't need that in my life. I don't want it." I sighed and wiped the kleenex under my eyes.
"And you shouldn't have to put up with it. I know you don't want to hear this right now but a relationship isn't really supposed to be this hard. Things aren't supposed to be like this. I know you love Fred,
Anna, I know that, but sometimes love isn't healthy. You need to focus on yourself. As the great and almighty Christina Yang says: 'He is not the sun, you are.' You need to think about yourself every now and then, Annaanna. Now and then, is now."
Everything Janet said was true. I knew this. It just hurt too much right now to think that way. I love Fred so much that I forget to love myself. I forget to think about myself and how I want my life to be like. I don't want it to be this hard.
I slept like the dead because I felt like I was dead. I hated all those books and movies that showed the girl completely heartbroken because of a guy. I once said I didn't believe in love because I didn't think the emotion truly existed. I was right about the obsession of it. I was obsessed with Fred to the point that I thought about his happiness more than my own. I wanted the best for him but while wanting the best for him I forgot about myself.
Wow, what a disaster I got myself into. Not to mention that man threatened to kill me if Fred didn't get him what he wanted. Sure, that Pete guy may not know where to find me but I'm sure he's very persuasive in getting people to tell him what he wanted. Not to mention drugs make people act crazy and irrational.
I just had to go looking for Fred. There I was thinking about him before myself.
I woke up the next morning with the craving of chocolate ice cream. Janet wanted pickles and seemed to have eaten all of them the day before so like the good friend I was, I volunteered to run to the closest store.
I looked like c
rap and I knew it. My puffy black winter Patet covered the sweatshirt I wore to bed last night and my sweatpants drug on the ground while I walked. I shuffled my feet to the freezer that held the best chocolate ice cream New York had to offer. The carton sang to me as a reached to grab it. Bless comfort food.
I was caught off guard when a blur of blonde hair passed the corner of my eye that for some reason left me looking after it. All the hair on my arms stood erect leaving goosebumps in their paths. I directioned myself back towards the variety of ice creams, shaking it off.
"Come back here you silly goose," A woman's voice rang playfully down the aisle over. I froze. It couldn't be...My mind was on overdrive after last night. I was just connecting things to other things I shouldn't. I rounded the aisle to find the pinkles.
A little girl with a high ponytail circled the corner a little ways from me with a smile on her face. She had teeth missing in the front which made me smile too. She looked to be no older than six. "Excuse me, could you grab me a pinkle jar?" She asked, her voice as high pitched as her ponytail. "Yeah, of course," I answered reaching up and grabbed a jar for her. She thanked me when I gave it to her and a woman with blonde hair turned the corner the second I handed it to her.
"There you are!" The woman sighed with relief. "You can't run away like the sweetie. You scared me." For the second time within a twenty-four hour span, I stopped breathing. The blonde hair covered a glowing, rosy cheeked stranger but her voice, though a tad softer, sucked me in.
"You got more pickles?" She asked the little girl. "We already have some in the cart." "I wanted more," the girl giggled, handing them to the woman. The lady placed her hand on the little girl's head in a loving carass, smiling down at her.
"She loves these things," the woman directed towards me. "Can't get her to eat much of anything else. I stood there for a second with my mouth opening and closing like a fish without water. Catching my bearings I looked back down at the little girl as she stood there clutching her mother's leg. "I've never liked the things much," I got out.