by Bruce Thomas
"Yeah," She said looking me in the face. "Me either."
Those blue eyes, like the ocean after a storm, looked straight into mine and for a second I thought she knew who I was. But after a beat she looked back down at her daughter. She smiled a closed mouth smile at me before guiding the little girl towards the cash register.
I stood there in shock, ice cream in one hand and pickles in the other. My chest constricted in on itself. How could she not know who I was? I knew who she was just by the sound of her voice. If she did recognize me, then she did a good job at not showing it. But then again, I haven't seen her in seven years.
Realization hit me like a monster truck. I just saw my mother.
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39
"Pick up, pick up, pick up," I shakily murmured into my phone. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for the sighting of my mother. She looked so different; no shaking hands, no sunken eyes, even her voice sounded softer than I remembered. She was now glowing as if from within. Maybe it was from happiness but as from the looks of it she was now clean.
Pure, hot, hatred started to bubble inside of me while I waited for Pat to pick up his phone. Why couldn't she have been that way with me when I was growing up as she was with that little girl? It was clear that was her daughter. She looked just like her.
Images of a little chubby girl with braided hair started to flash before my eyes. A little me Annanging her a bundle of dandelions, a huge smile on my face at the thought of her praising me for them, only to have her chuck them aside while she nursed a beer.
Another image of my fifth grade play where I got to play a rock on the edge of the stage, popped up from the corners of my forgotten memory. I remember peeking out from my scrunched up pose to see an empty seat beside Uncle Pat where I bought her a ticket myself with my christmas money. Nothing. She gave me nothing.
When I got Pat's voicemail for the fourth time, a twitch in my arm sent my phone spiralling into the Annack wall of the dorm building. I didn't have a key for Janet's room anymore seeing I gave it back to the school when I decided I wasn't coming back.
Ha, joke's on me.
I mentally cursed myself for setting Fred's spare key inside of his apartment to make a point. Because
now, here I was, all alone in a city that could swallow me whole. Classes were in session which meant Janet wasn't going to answer her phone to let me up. I was missing my own classes at the moment but I couldn't get myself to care like I should.
I could feel my self control slipping and what made me the angrist, was that I couldn't shake the dread that I gave Fred back his spare key. All I wanted to do at this very moment was curl up in the blanket his grandma gave him for christmas this year and sip hot tea while I watched him sketch tattoo art in the little picture book he keeps. I don't think he knows that I see him do it or that it is indeed tattoos but I looked through them one day he was at "work". They were good, amazing even. He could make a living off of it if you would just put forth the effort.
I jolted backwards when I saw that I was now in front of Fred's apartment door. I cursed under my breath that I was so weak when it came to him. But before I could turn around and run away, his door flew open as if he sensed I was there and in the doorway stood a tired, drunk looking Fred. His eyes pinned me to the floor but they weren't angry, maybe a little sad, but mostly concerned.
"Anna, what's wrong? What are you doing here? Not that I don't want you here," he corrected himself real quick. "I do. Very much. I've missed you, Anna. I'm so sorry--" I stopped his incoherent babbling by walking right into his arms.
Instant calmness that I almost wish wouldn't have appeared when he held me back washed over me and the tears that I held back until this moment started to flow. This
week has been hell.
"Baby, what's wrong?" He asked soothing a large hand over my hair. I didn't answer because of the huge ball lodged inside my throat trying to hold back sobs. His body instantly tensed and he pulled me back to look at my face. "Did Pete get to you? Because I gave that bastard everything he asked for. I swear to God I'll kill him if he touched a single hair on your --"
"Shut up," I choked out wanting him to not Annang up that man. My body went into instant defense mode from the memory of us breaking up because of this situation. The situation we call us. "No." Fred seemed to sober up real fast after that. He dropped his hands from my back and took a step back to give me space. I wanted to forget about the fight. I wanted to forgive him which I hated myself for wanting that because I was mad at him. Disappointed too. But mostly I loved him. And I was mad about that too.
"What's wrong then, Annaanna?"
A sob racked its way out of my throat from the coldness in his voice cracked off while calling me my full name. I guess I asked for it though with the mixed signals.
"Can I come in?" His stormy eyes watched me for a few moments but he didn't move aside. "Please, Fred." I wasn't one to beg but I needed to talk to someone about what just happened. With a sigh, he moved aside and let me through the door. I made sure not to brush my body against his because all though I was mad at him for lying to me, he was mad at me for leaving.
Once inside his warm apartment, I could see the damage that had been caused. Pictures hung crooked on the walls along with knickknacks from his shelves shattered on the floor. While surveying this, more tears slid down my cheeks as I saw the checkers board ripped in two along with the cracked DVD of Elf lying beside the tv. He seemed to take his anger out on everything involving me. I didn't blame him. I practically did the same sans him.
He must have saw me looking at his mess because he cleared his throat taking my eyes off the scene and back to him. He didn't speak and after a while I sighed and looked down at my hands. "I saw her. I saw my mother in the grocery store down by the coffee shop we like. She was there and she was healthy--or at least she looked healthy. I almost didn't recognize her but it was her. I'm sure of it. And she had another kid. A daughter. I didn't know she was a mother again. I didn't know she was in New York. How could I have not known she was in New York? How could I just run into her like it is completely normal in a city of millions? Her? What are the odds. I can't breathe."
I bent over and rested my hands on my knees. I felt like I was going insane. Maybe my mind came up with this scenario all because I just wanted to see Fred again. I saw his body move from his spot behind the couch and soon felt his warm hands on my back. Up and down. Up and down. I straighten back up with closed eyes. I could feel a headache coming on. One that would soon turn into a migraine.
"Slow down and breathe, Anna. I can barely understand what you're saying. You're babbling so fast and your accent is thickening." "I do not have an accent!" I screeched, annoyed.
Fred
chuckled deeply and brushed my curly hair away from my face. Instantly I relaxed against his hand cupping my cheek. My eyes closed and I took two deep, slow breathes. When I reopened my eyes, Fred was watching me and instead of being embarrassed about my freak out, I felt safe.
He leaned his forehead against mine and breathed in. "Mother aside, I'm so sorry, Anna. I am. I know how you feel about all this shit but I didn't tell you because I knew it would bother you. I don't ever want you to feel unsafe. Especially when it involves me. I'm really trying to change here."
He looked deep into my eyes and right away I knew I was a goner. For good this time. But I would live with the pain of not actually being with him because I wasn't sure if I could get past the lies. He never tells the full truth.
"I want to make you feel safe. I want to make you feel more loved then you've ever felt because I do...I do love you."
The dam broke behind my eyes and I was melting. A sob racked my body and I shook my head. "Why are you crying?" Fred tilted my head to face him and the look of concern and fear crumpled every inch of his face. "I just told you that I loved you. I understand though if you don't love me back anymore. I wouldn't love me either after all the shit I put you t
hrough.
Tears rolled like a waterfall down my face but I wasn't sad, I was overwhelmed with happiness because he finally said it back. In order to stop the next embarrassing sob from escaping me, I pulled his mouth down on mine.
That kiss was mixed with so much emotion: Relief, lust, concern, heartbreak
but mostly overwhelming love for each other. He said it back. He said he loved me!
"I don't think it works like that, Fred. It's not something that can just be shut off if it's real. I love you too, Fred. So much." Fred looked relieved when I said it back which was almost comical to me. How could he not know that I still and probably would always love him back in some way? He was my first love. Whatever the hell love was.
"Good because I was afraid you wouldn't after that bomb dropped last night. I swear I was going to tell you."
I stopped him before he could Annang that back up in depth. I shook my head and he sighed again as if he was glad this wouldn't have to be dealt with at this moment. But I knew I couldn't let him think we were one hundred percent okay.
"But that doesn't really change anything, does it?" His face went slack and his eyebrows knit together. "What do you mean it doesn't change anything? We love each other, that defines what we are. You can't tell me you still meant everything from last night after you cooled off? I said I was sorry."
"I knew you said you were sorry," I gritted out through the pain in my chest. "But I can't help but think that even though we love each other that that's not enough."
"I will never understand you. You drive me crazy! First you want this from me, then you want that. What do you want, Annaanna?"
"I want you to be my friend right now and listen to me because I don't have a lot of those here and I really
need one right now!" Tears gushed out of my eyes without my permission and my breathing became rapid again as I struggled to keep my bearings.
Fred looked to be at war with himself as he watched me bawl like a freaking baby. He half looked like he wanted to consult me yet break some more of his belongings. "So about this woman popping up..."
"My mother," I corrected.
"Just because she gave you birth doesn't make her your mother." He stepped forward and rubbed my cheeks with the sides of his thumb which soften the blow. "I know." I rested my head against his chest and breathed in deeply, then exhaled.
"What are we going to do about it?"
"Oh so this is a we thing now?" The sides of my mouth pulled up in an alluring smile.
He smiled that crooked smile that makes my insides quiver. "We are in this together. You're my friend and I will help you with anything you need." His voice was stern and the way his eyes seared into mine made me blush. "I'll just be a friend that tells you he loves you until you believe that I'm not lying, that I'm not just saying it to get what I want. And I want you."
I gasped which led to another sob which lead to me wiping my nose with the back of my hand rather unladylike. This hurt so bad. But it was like we had to start over before I knew what we had was real. "Well then, we have to either forget about this--" I motioned between our closely stance bodies--"or put our Nancy Drew pants on and get some information."
"Or," Fred said with a gleam in his eye. "We could take our pants off and get some of this unresolved anger out of our systems with the benefits of our friendship and then put those Nancy Drew pants back on?"
"This isn't funny, Fred. We're not together." Those words ripped at my insides. "We won't be doing any of that."
Fred's body seemed to seize and his jaw ticked as he grinned his teeth. "You're right I'm sorry. It's a reflex." He ran his hand brought his hair. "Let's get stalking."
A slow smile spread across my face before if resolved again. "So you think I should talk to her?"
Fred's frown deepened on his face too but he never left eye contact. "It's your decision, Anna, but I think it would be good to get it all out in the open. I think you need closure."
"So much for all for one," I grumbled. The thought of seeing my mother again stressed me out but on the other hand, the thought of never knowing made me feel sick.
Fred's lips puckered against mine once again dulling the uneasiness yet adding to my tug-a-war state with my feelings. Every cell in my body came alive at the feeling of his lips. He apologized seeming to have forgotten himself.
"It's fine," I whispered, having lost my breath. I straighten my shirt uncomfortably over my hips.
"I'll come with you to see her if you want." Fred had trouble at first meeting my eyes and I swear there was a touch of pink dotting his cheeks.
With a sigh, I was about to answer him when Fred's phone started buzzing in his pocket. He pulled it out to silence it when I saw my uncle's name flash across the screen. I quickly yanked it out of his hand and answered it. "Pat."
"Anna, you called? I went to call you back but the signal wouldn't go through. Is everything alright?"
"Why didn't you tell me my mom was here in New York?" I didn't really feel like beating around the bush. This was a serious matter. I'm sure he knew all along that his sister was in this city. Silence filled the other end of the phone. Fred kept his eyes on mine as I waited.
"Put it on speaker phone," Fred mouthed childishly but I turned away and started to pace. "How did you find out?"
I felt my insides come to a completely stop. It wasn't just my overly active imagination.
"I saw her at a store. I don't know if she recognized me considering she was too busy with her new little family." The tears started gathering in my eyes now that the topic was rehashed.
"Oh, Annaanna," my uncle sighed, his voice sounding hoarse and constricted. "I never wanted you to find out. I didn't want you to get hurt like you are now."
What was with people keeping things from me because they thought it would hurt my feelings? I'd rather know things than have them pop up out of no where just to piss me off more! It made sense now as to why he didn't want to me come to New York. She was here.
"I don't know if I'm hurt," I admitted. "I guess I'm just bitter."
"Come home."
"Give me her address." The swerve seemed to catch my uncle off guard.
"No, Anna. I don't think that's a good idea," he stumbled over
his words.
"Why not?" I yelled into the phone. I felt Fred's hand settled between my shoulder blades. My temper calmed slightly when he started to message the tensed muscle there.
"I just don't think that's a good idea." Pat was getting flustered on the other end and his emotions only heightened mine. "I'm an adult, Pat. I am entitled to this decision." All my life I've been wanting to get away from this woman and now I was trying to get in contact with her. Pat knew this was crazy, I knew this was crazy, I was crazy for wanting this but I needed it. Like Fred said, I need closure. I told this to my uncle.
He was silent on the other end before he told me the address. Fred obliged to my snapping fingers as I mouth that I needed a pen and paper. I repeated the address right back to Pat as I wrote it down. "Let me come with you. I'll be there in a day's time and I will come with you," Pat insisted. I knew this would be a good thing but I wanted to do this on my own. Plus she was just outside the city. It would take minutes to get to her. I wasn't going to wait a day or the chance that Pat would talk me out of it. I was running on impulse and I didn't want to slow down.
"Fred will come with me," I told him, hoping this would calm his nerves.
"Anna..."
"Pat, I love you and I know you're trying to protect me but you have to let me make this decision for myself. You have to let me do this." I waited for him to speak.
"I love you, Anna. You're my kiddo, always was and always will be." I cried again for a second until the tears stopped and Pat hung up. Fred stood behind me waiting patiently for me to reveal the address. When he took the paper from me his eyes scanned my slanted scribbles then snapped back up to mine.
"When do you want to leave?"
=================
40
"Are you sure you want to drop in unannounced to see the woman who abdomened you?"
Fred was being oh so supportive as we both sat in his car outside the address that Pat gave me. To say that I was surprised when we pulled up to a red Annack, well groomed, two story house with a pool in the backyard along with a stacked garage off the side, would be an understatement. She sure upgraded. I bet she married a lawyer or doctor of some such. Probably even has a Yorkshire terrier named Polly that spotted a diamond collar.
I told Fred he didn't really have to come, that telling my uncle he would was just to make Pat not come to New York to stop me. Fred insisted though threatening to call my uncle back just to make sure I allow him to drive me the suburbs where she now lived.
"Yes, just give me a minute." I took several concentrated breaths and focused on not up chucking the Oreo shake I had coming up here. Ever since I have come back to New York, Fred has commented on my weight loss. He worried about it which made me laugh because who wouldn't want someone twenty pounds lighter than the fat girl they once were. I was still fat in my eyes but he had called me chicken legs for some time before we broke up. I had done so good at keeping the weight off and turning to food for comfort was not an option but binging also wasn't either.
You would have thought the weight loss would have made me more confident but it did just the opposite. I was constantly worried now if people noticed. I wore the same clothes because a) I was incredibly broke and b)
I was afraid of people looking at me. I have always been in the background because I was so self conscious of the way that I looked. I don't think that was ever going to change for me. "We can turn around you know," Fred offered. I sent him a dead panned glare which had him zipping his lips and throwing away the key. I would have laughed at the childish gesture if it wasn't for my nerves. "Okay, I'm ready," I said after one more deep breath. My hand itches to grab Fred's as we walked up the drive. It would have been crossing the line to do so, I know this. I felt terrible on top of everything else because I don't want Fred to think I was leading him on. I was still mad at him for lying to me but I loved his company. He had a way with comforting me that no one else could as well as riling me up.