Pretending Hearts

by Topham Wood, Heather

  I curled my hands into fists. “You do not want to mess with me today, little boy.” I put a hand on my hip. “Where’s your brother?”

  Evan laced his fingers behind his back. “What’s it to you? He told me you’re avoiding him.”

  “I’m not,” I said. I dropped my shoulders down. “Okay, I was, but I’m not anymore. So, tell me where he is. I’ve been calling him for over an hour and he hasn’t picked up.”

  After leaving several frantic messages on Levi’s phone, I decided to drive over to his house. I was ready to be with him. I was ready to give myself over to him and stop running away from my own chance at happiness. The fact he wasn’t around to hear my newfound revelations was maddening.

  “He’s at the bridge between Chester and Montgomery.” He paused. “You can hop on the highway and take exit 97 to get there.”

  “Why is he there?”

  Evan’s normal cocky expression dulled and it was the first time I seen him uncomfortable. “Don’t freak.”

  I put up a warning finger. “Stop stalling and spill.”

  Evan’s eyes fell to the ground in front of me. “It’s the bridge my dad jumped from.”

  My hand shot out and I smacked his shoulder hard. He fell back. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I seethed. “Why would you let him go there alone?”

  I didn’t wait for a response. After sprinting to my car, I took off without a backwards glance. Unsuccessfully, I tried to calm down as I swerved in and out of traffic. Hundreds of unwelcomed thoughts burst into my brain. Why would Levi go to the bridge where his dad committed suicide? What kind of emotional damage had I inflicted by avoiding him the last several days?

  The last time we saw each other, he told me he loved me. Had I screwed with his head? I hadn’t intentionally meant to hurt him. I was acutely focused on my own anguish. My suffering became my world and I didn’t want to bring a beautiful person like Levi into that destructive place.

  After the exit turnoff, I could see the bridge looming in the distance. The afternoon sky had darkened and a light drizzle started to fall. If I didn’t know the bridge’s dark history, I’d probably pass by the structure without a second’s thought. But with the heavy knowledge of how Levi’s father had plummeted to his death at the site, I felt sickened to my core.

  How could I fix things? I’d been feeling a victim of circumstance and I wasn’t sure how to fight against it. But I was learning not to settle anymore. I had settled for Wyatt, despite knowing he wasn’t a good person. And I had accepted my dad, even though in my heart, I suspected he wasn’t the man I wanted him to be.

  As I neared the bridge, I wondered why anyone would choose such a horrible death. The bridge loomed high above the river below. The water below looked dark and cold—an unwelcome final resting spot. My heart hurt for Levi. How did he avoid being jaded? How did he keep up such a positive outlook?

  There was a pathway for pedestrians and bicycles and I could make out a lone figure in the center of the path. I pulled into an open parking spot a few steps away from the bridge’s entrance and bolted out of the car. My entire body was shaking, but not from the cold. As bleak as my life seemed at the moment, nothing could compare to how unfathomable it would be to lose Levi.

  I broke into a jog and my heart twisted as I began to make out Levi’s familiar features. He was only a few short yards away, but he looked farther away than ever. His eyes were watching the water as he leaned against the railing. He was dressed in only a lightweight leather jacket, despite the temperature hovering in the thirties. He didn’t seem to hear me as I approached.

  “Levi?”

  He turned and I could see the startled look on his face. He blinked at me, seeming to not believe I wasn’t an apparition. “Delia?” His hand pressed against his chest and I could see him struggling to catch his breath. I’d caught him off guard and he was panicking.

  “I stopped by your house. Evan said you were here.” I exhaled. “What are you doing here?”

  He shifted his eyes away from me. “Just clearing my head.”

  “No Levi,” I said firmly. “You don’t come to the bridge where your dad committed suicide to clear your head.”

  His hazel eyes widened. “How’d you know?”

  “Evan told me. But I didn’t give him a chance to explain why he let you come here.” I crossed my arms and waited for his reply.

  “It’s not what you think,” he said softly. “I can explain it, but I’ll probably sound strange to you.”

  “Please just tell me what’s going on with you.”

  “When I want to feel close to my dad, I come here.” He shrugged and I could see him trying to conceal his embarrassment. “I don’t feel him at the cemetery. But I guess since this was the last place he was alive….”

  “You feel him here,” I finished. “But isn’t coming here a little… morbid?”

  “Probably,” he said with an uncomfortable laugh. His smile flickered and I saw a flash of pain. He never allowed himself to fully grieve and I could see the toll it had taken. “But I try to picture what he was thinking when he was here. Did he have regrets? During the seconds that passed between the jump and hitting the water, did he realize what a mistake he was making?”

  I recoiled from the idea of Levi tortured by the unknown. I’d never met a more beautiful and strong man and I’d do anything to stop the wounds from his past festering. “I don’t think you’ll ever have the answers to those questions.”

  “No, but I wish I did. I wish I could get why he didn’t love us enough to stay.”

  A lump formed in the back of my throat. “He loved you, Levi.” Levi lifted a skeptical eyebrow. I insisted, “He did. Suicide isn’t something I feel a person chooses to do. I know a lot of people say it’s a selfish act. But my belief is that the person is in so much pain, he can’t be held accountable for his actions. Succumbing to depression is like losing a battle to cancer. When the disease starts winning, it’s no longer in your control.”

  He bridged the gap between us. “We should go,” he said and took my hand in his. “You looked horrified when you saw me and I hope you didn’t think… that I was like my dad.”

  I squeezed his hand. “I was worried about you, but I know you’re not like him. I’m starting to accept that we don’t have to be an extension of our parents.” I didn’t want him to pay a pilgrimage to a place that was a reminder of his greatest loss. I promised myself I’d never walk away from him again. Together, we could find a way for the pain to hurt a little bit less. I wanted to drive out his sadness and force it to never return again.

  We were quiet as we walked the bridge path. We had so much to say—too much to say to each other. We both seemed lost in where to start.

  “So…” he started. His tone was cautious. He was probably unsure of what version of me he’d be dealing with.

  “Can we talk somewhere private?” I asked. He looked worried over the question, but nodded. He appeared as if he were steeling himself for another disappointment—another heartache to add to the ones he already endured. I was used to concealing my feelings, but for once I wished for transparency. I needed Levi to see how much he meant to me. I didn’t want to live in a world where Levi believed he was losing my love.

  I cupped his cheeks in my hands and kissed him hard on the mouth. As our lips crushed together, the hunger for him built. I didn’t hold back as I memorized the feel of his lips covering my mouth. The kiss was perfect and I started to believe our love would be the thing that saved us both. We had suffered in our own ways, but the tragedies in our lives didn’t have to be our undoing. We could find a way to survive together. He pulled away gently and I saw the quiet relief in his eyes.

  “I really needed that,” I said. My voice was shaky as I held onto him.

  “Me too,” he whispered. And those two words told me everything I needed to hear. I hadn’t lost him. He had waited for me as promised and he’d be there for me—even during the darkest days. Healing would take time, bu
t Levi and I were an indestructible force. There was nothing I needed to fix because we had never been broken in the first place.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Three months later…

  Moving on wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t impossible. I had Levi to lean on as I grieved. And I allowed myself to be sad. Guilt was useless. I couldn’t turn back the clock and not get pregnant. Or not consider an abortion. Those things happened and I had to accept and hopefully learn from them.

  I couldn’t smother my regrets, but I could learn ways to live with them. I couldn’t go back in time, but I could look back and see my mistakes and own up to them. I wouldn’t let my regrets define the future.

  My mom was shaken up by my decision to no longer have my dad in my life. In her mind, blood bonds should never be broken. But I was starting to believe I did have a say in who I wanted as part of my family. Sometimes cutting away the weight tied around your feet was the only way you could find the strength to swim to the surface.

  The family I chose finally surrounded me and I couldn’t be more content.

  “Do you realize I can get paid millions of dollars for endorsements? I hope your boyfriend’s band appreciates the free press,” Blake said in a droll tone.

  Autumn elbowed his side. Blake gave her a mock-wounded look. “He’s kidding. He loves the band.”

  He gave her an exasperated look, but offered a cheesy grin as I pointed the camera in his direction. I zoomed out to make sure the shot got the Trojan Jedi logo on Blake’s t-shirt.

  “Can you give me the thumbs up sign?” He narrowed his eyes and I gave him a sly smile in return. “What? How are putting pictures of you on Trojan Jedi’s website any different than you telling a bunch of tweens to drink some crappy sugar-loaded sports drink?”

  He obliged and I kept him posed until I was certain I had a few good shots. I gave him a wink as I finished. “You’re not the most photogenic but I’m sure I can find something to work with.”

  Blake put on an annoyed look, but I knew he wasn’t serious. He’d been happier than I’d seen him in a long time. Football season was over and although the Warriors were eliminated early in the playoffs, I had a feeling he was okay with it. He was glad to be back in Fairfort with Autumn, planted at her side until practices started up again in the summer.

  I invited Blake, Autumn and Casey to Levi’s show at the Bronze Horseman. The bar had a reputation for being a launching place of several big name bands and I couldn’t be more excited. Levi seemed embarrassed by the idea of success and his sincerity made me want it for him all the more.

  Casey came up from behind us and passed out a round of drinks. Swiftly, Blake confiscated mine out of my hands. Casey rolled her eyes. “Preston, you’re such a killjoy. First, you steal my roommate and now this.”

  Blake had let me keep his apartment on a permanent basis. He found a larger space for himself and Autumn in a high-rise building across the street from the college. He eventually wanted to buy a house, but planned to wait until Autumn finished school.

  Blake was fighting me, but I insisted on taking over the rent payments for the apartment. I decided not to return to college for the spring semester and didn’t want to continue being financially dependent on him. Leaving Cook was a tough decision, but I had come to realize photography was more than a hobby. I never wanted to be in front of the camera, but I embraced being behind it.

  “I don’t need the drink. But you can offer it to Cole before he goes on stage. He asks about you every time I see him,” I said with a suggestive lift of my eyebrows.

  “It’s about the chase. He probably has hundreds of girls willing to say yes to him, but he’s hung up on the one who’ll say no,” Casey said and coiffed her pink-streaked blonde hair.

  “I thought so too. But Levi says he hasn’t been partying after their shows and Evan calls him whipped,” I said.

  “No, Evan says he’s pussy-whipped,” Evan’s voice said from behind me. I turned and saw him and Levi. Evan hoisted his thumb at Levi. “And so is this one. He wanted to see you before the show. I came along to make sure his ass gets on stage on time.”

  Levi shook his head, but still grinned at me. I mirrored his expression and although I could hear the voices around me, I was only focused on him. I felt bowled over by how one person could have such a physical effect on me. Levi thought he was unassuming, but he had no idea how the air thickened when he walked into a room. Or how my skin erupted in gooseflesh each time his hazel eyes gleamed in my direction.

  “Kick ass up there,” I said softly.

  “I will. Because I know you’ll be watching.”

  “And if you get nervous, just picture everyone in their underwear.” I giggled. “Well, maybe just me.”

  Levi leaned in close and whispered into my ear. “I’ll just think about seeing the real thing after the show.”

  ***

  His promise made my body crave him for the entire concert. As I watched him on stage, I kept picturing his strong arms wrapped around me as we fell into a tangled heap onto my bed. When we finally ditched our friends after the show, I knew the reality would be much better than the image in my head.

  The night had been planned for months. We waited for sex and I was glad for the time to recover from the past. My body needed time to mend as well and once my period returned, I had started taking birth control pills. I also wanted to get comfortable with Levi. I had an irrational fear that after Wyatt, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy sex again. Levi proved me utterly mistaken. Levi was a laidback guy outside of the bedroom, but when we were alone together, he knew exactly how to push my buttons. Sex hadn’t happened, but he still had the ability to make me scream his name night after night as I became lost to sensation.

  His hands were everywhere before the front door of my apartment was closed. He would touch me just lightly enough that I squirmed each time he pulled away. Levi was adept at discovering how to touch me in ways that drove me wild. I wanted him. I wanted every perfect moment to be shared with him.

  His kiss was magnetic and I felt unable to pull away from his mouth. He lifted his shirt over his head and I helped him toss it aside. My eyes roamed down to the perfect v-shape starting at his waist and disappearing into his loose-fitting jeans. Levi had an incredible body and each time I saw him with little clothing, I became tongue-tied.

  Once the shirt fell to the floor, his lips reconnected with mine. My hands were greedy as I held onto him—feeling each lean muscle grow tense under my fingertips. My hand stilled above his waistband and his hand covered my own as I undid the button on his jeans. Before he could remove them, I leaned in and kissed his neck before slipping my tongue inside of his mouth once again. I cupped his erection and I could feel him grow with need. I stroked him through the fabric and he moaned into my mouth as our tongues continued to dance.

  His palm snuck under my shirt and covered my left breast. He ran his thumb over my nipple as he fondled me. When I couldn’t take the barrier any longer, I shed my t-shirt and bra. “You are incredibly beautiful.” He pushed aside my blonde hair and whispered into my ear.

  I rubbed the scruff on his cheek and said, “I love you, Levi. You’ve waited for me and it only makes me love you more.”

  “I love you, Delia Bridges,” he said, “and I would’ve waited forever if that’s what it took.”

  My hands drifted lower and I pulled down his loosened pants. He stepped out of the jeans and his briefs and stood before me completely naked and vulnerable. I wrapped my hand around the base of his erection and took a second to revel in the pleasure of how he felt. I pumped my hand slowly up and down and I smiled as I saw his faraway expression. He closed his eyes and let out a groan as I pumped at a steadier pace.

  “Take off the rest of your clothes,” he said, his voice thick with desire. He opened his eyes. “I want to see all of you.”

  Although it pained me to do so, I moved my hand away from him. I pulled down my pants and underwear as his eyes stayed trained on me. His fing
ertips brushed my lips and then he leaned in for a kiss. When he pulled away, he grasped my hand and led us to my bedroom.

  I fell back on the bed first and grinned at him as I leaned back on my elbows. I used my forefinger to gesture him closer. He sank down in front of me on his knees. He placed a hand on each knee and lowered his head down between my legs.

  Immediately, I tilted my head back as his tongue swept across my opening. He planted a gentle kiss on the spot and then another lick. His mouth was relentless as he kissed and sucked me. Each moan he made as he went down on me reverberated through my core. I cried out as the pleasure became too much to take. Tightening my hold on his shoulders, I was overcome with my raw need for him.

  “Stop,” I gasped. My back arched off the bed as I felt his mouth leave one more brand on me. “I need to finish with you inside of me.”

  He gazed up at me between my legs and I could see the questioning look in his eyes. He wanted the connection—for us to finally be together—but he needed assurance I was with him on this.

  He saw something in my expression that told him I was ready. He got the condom ready and my heart began to race with excitement. I kept my legs wide as he returned and he moved into a position that left his tip at my opening.

  My body was accommodating as he pushed inside. Levi was large, but he felt like the perfect fit inside of me. There was no awkwardness or discomfort. When he entered me, I felt like we were connected in the most natural way possible.

  “Oh christ, Delia,” he murmured. “You feel amazing.”

  I sighed in reply since I couldn’t form words at the second. I was on the cusp of becoming undone with him inside of me. He started to move and my body erupted into flames. I didn’t want him to stop. I wanted the fire to burn eternally because I’d never felt more physically and emotionally alive.

  We found a rhythm and I lifted my behind higher to allow him to go deeper. “My god, Delia,” he exhaled a long breath.