And he’d deserve her.
Why the hell my train of thought was taking me down the woe-is-me track I honestly don’t know, but when I drifted off to sleep it was with an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach…
The road ahead of me was long and there were red-tinged rugged mountains on either side of it. My heart was beating so fast and the sense of urgency was at an all-time high. What if they had harmed her? I would never forgive myself. I guess they didn’t take my news too kindly. But after what happened on the weekend, there was no way I could be involved anymore. No, that was just a step too fucking far. And now this. If anything was going to confirm that I needed out, this would be it.
My grip on the handlebars of the Harley tightened as my mind tortured me with images of my kid sister being harmed by those vicious bastards. I knew they were monsters because I had been one of them. They had taunted me in the message they had left on my bathroom mirror in what looked like blood. I hadn’t waited around to check if I was right. After running through the house calling her name to make sure it wasn’t some sick, fucked-up joke and she was nowhere to be found, panic set in.
They hadn’t taken her to the clubhouse. They wouldn’t be so obvious, but I still made that my first port of call. The place was rarely empty, but I found it locked up. No, they were making me work for it. And so here I was, ten miles out of town on my way to a fucking derelict water tower and warehouse. Talk about fucking cliché. My only hope was that I arrived before they hurt her. Well… that and the fact that I hoped I could convince them to let her go…
Kelly
I had an unusual spring to my step on the way into work in spite of the fact that it was actually my day off—and these were few and far between. Goodness knows how I was so chipper, when the events of the last few weeks had taken me on a roller coaster ride that I never anticipated. I had decided I was going to conduct an extracurricular meeting with Cain today but out in the open as he had requested it. There was a park that lay equidistant between my home and the hospital that we would be going to. It wasn’t exactly what he had requested, but he really had to be crazy if he thought I was willing to accompany a volatile and potentially dangerous man—who was almost twice my size—to a place out in the middle of nowhere where anything could happen.
I had decided that this session would really be about relaxing and breathing in some fresh Scottish winter air. We couldn’t exactly discuss his case in public, and so today I would simply grant his wish to be outdoors.
Patty had reluctantly agreed to bring a coat of her son’s from home that would fit Cain and had texted to say she would leave it at the nurse’s station. She was evidently disapproving of my plans. This had been obvious the day before, judging by the way she shook her head as she walked away from me following my request for the outdoor attire. In all honesty I couldn’t blame her. It was a stupid plan. But despite the unsettling facts that had been unearthed about his past, the less tangible aspects of his personality I’d come to know during our sessions told me that he wouldn’t hurt me.
Once I’d made myself a coffee and chatted to some of the nursing staff briefly about their excitement over plans for a night out—well, it was my day off and I didn’t take those lightly—I found Cain sitting in the communal day room with the other patients. The large, brightly lit and clinical room was multipurpose, acting as a dining space at one end and a leisure area at the other. He had his nose in a book, and I have to admit that I found that very attractive. I walked toward him, but he was so engrossed that he didn’t even look up. Clearly Moby Dick was an enthralling story. After a few seconds of standing there, I cleared my throat and his attention was finally on me.
“Oh… hi, Kel… um… I mean Doctor Darrow. Sorry… great book.” He nodded toward the thick paperback in his grasp.
I smiled and shook my head. “No worries at all. I’m glad you’re finding something to occupy your time. Look… speaking of occupation… I thought we could… maybe go for a walk.”
His face lit up, and the grin that spread wide across his features almost made my heart stop. How could one man be so gorgeous? Surely he had the fair share of looks belonging to at least five other men. Somewhere in the world, there were five poor guys who were seriously lacking in the X-factor due to Cain being overloaded.
He sat up straight and placed his book down on the table beside him. “Yeah? Seriously?”
I nodded. “Seriously. Come on, let’s get out of here for a wee while.”
He leapt to his feet and followed me to the nurses’ station. I was relieved to find the area empty this time and I collected the beige, fleece-lined jacket from behind the desk. Bless her. Patty had even brought a scarf. I told myself I would thank her later with flowers or Highland toffee, her favourite sweet treat.
Once we were inside my office to collect my own coat, doubt set in. I turned to Cain with a very serious expression. “Can… can I trust you, Cain?”
A line appeared between his brows. “What do you mean?”
“Look… I’ll be honest… I’m having second thoughts about this. What if you… what if…?”
He stepped toward me and placed his large hands on my shoulders, squeezing gently. “Kelly, if you’re worried I’ll bolt when we get out of here, don’t be. I wouldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t jeopardise your career by disappearing on you when you’ve helped me so much. Okay?”
The fact that he had me all figured out was both disconcerting and impressive. I was beginning to wonder which of us was the shrink. But reassured at his sweet and calm reaction, I swallowed hard and nodded. “Okay. I can’t believe I’m doing this. But technically you’re not a danger to yourself… or to anyone else from what we know. You’re not wanted for criminal activity at the moment and—” I stared at the floor as I tried to convince myself I hadn’t made a monumentally bad decision.
He stared hungrily out the window then placed a finger under my chin and lifted my face. “Look, if you don’t think we should go, then that’s fine. I don’t want to put you through this. It’s not worth it for a little fresh air.”
Even now, even here, he put the needs of others before his own. His consideration made my heart melt, and my mind was made up.
Chapter Twelve
Cain
I walked with Kelly down the road, and for the first bit all I could do was just breathe. Outside smelled so good; clean and fresh and I was lost for words. Knowing the person I was shaping up to be I guessed that this wasn’t something that usually happened to me. Determined to break the silence I decided to make conversation as we walked.
“So… I was wondering if there are any… I don’t know… mind exercises that I can do to help me figure out where Rosa’s being held? Or maybe you can hypnotise me.” Who the fuck was I kidding? She already did that without trying. “I’d do anything to make my memory return faster. I know it’s a lot to hope for all at once, but—”
She stopped and grabbed my arm, turning me to face her. “Cain, you need to stop stressing about that and let it happen naturally. You know that phrase ‘a watched pot never boils’? Well this is one of those kinds of situations. I totally understand your desperation to find Rosa, I really do, but honestly the best thing to do is relax. Forcing things may have a detrimental effect. Our sessions and your dreams are giving us a hell of a lot to go on. Believe me, you’re doing really well.”
For a moment I got lost in the green of her eyes until I realised I was staring. Heat rushed to my face, and I nodded rapidly before turning to continue our walk.
We ended up at this inner city green area called Beechwood Park. It was a huge green space lined with trees, and there was a kids’ play area at the opposite end. A little confused, I followed Kelly over to a bench just inside the entrance.
“I thought we were going to see the sights not to play on the swings.”
She sat down on the bench and smiled up at me. “Yeah, well, I’m not sure we have time to go hiking in the Highlands today. Let’s ma
ke do with a sit down and a chat in the fresh air, eh?”
I shrugged and took a seat beside her. The park was clearly popular. People walked their dogs or pushed strollers along the pathways that criss-crossed the area. I guessed she had chosen this spot so she wouldn’t have to be alone with me outside the comfort zone of her hospital office. I kind of understood, but it didn’t stop me from feeling a little disappointed.
We sat in silence for a while and I caught her watching me. I wished I knew what was going through her mind.
After what felt like forever I decided to break the silence. “So… we just going to sit here and not talk?”
She tilted her head to the side. “Well, today is my day off, so for once I don’t want to talk shop. What do you want to talk about?”
I chuckled. Even her regular questions sounded full of inquisitiveness. “Why do I always feel like you’re assessing me?”
Her smile was warm and sweet. “Maybe because I am. It is my job, after all.”
“Well… as it’s your day off, I’m gonna turn the tables.” My mind raced with a thousand questions I wanted to ask. Most of them totally inappropriate. Things like where did she grow up and what was her favourite colour sat alongside questions like what colour underwear was her favourite, did she prefer satin or lace, and did she wear thongs or sexy panties under her skirts? I stretched my arm across the bench behind her, making myself comfortable. She glanced at my arm and then back at me. But I carried on with nonchalance. “Tell me what a girl like you finds romantic. What makes you all warm and fuzzy inside?”
She smiled and shook her head. “Of all the questions you could have asked.”
“Yeah, but I get the feeling if I ask anything more in-depth, you’ll tell me to fuck off. So… come on, what do you find romantic?”
She tried to stifle a grin. “Well… I’d like to be surprised. Not that it’s ever actually happened. Dermott, my…” She stopped and it was clear she was hesitant about sharing personal information. No doubt she was usually very guarded about such things. She glanced at me again, and I nodded and raised my eyebrows in encouragement. “Dermott, my only real boyfriend, isn’t really the romantic type. And I guess… Well, I guess I’d like for someone to make me compilation CDs of tracks they know I’d love.”
Hearing her say that she had a boyfriend set my jaw clenching. But I was fucking dumb if I expected anything else. She was gorgeous and compassionate, and any guy would be lucky to have her. I hoped that this Dermott prick knew just how lucky he was.
Forcing the negativity down, I laughed. “Seriously? Isn’t that a little cheesy? Damn, I forgot to bring the crackers.”
She slapped my leg playfully. “Hey! You asked, so don’t take the piss.”
I held a hand up in surrender. “I apologise. Go on. I promise not to judge.”
She narrowed her eyes at me and pursed her lips. “Hmmm.”
“I promise.” I made a cross sign over my heart.
“Okay… Well, I think flowers for no reason would be nice. You know, just because a guy thought it’d be nice to get me some.”
“Compilation CDs and flowers, huh? You’re easy to please.” As the words fell from my lips, I imagined her being easy to please with my fingers and tongue. My cock flinched and I adjusted my position on the bench in the hope she wouldn’t see the evidence.
She shrugged. “Yeah, I guess so. I’m not impressed by status symbols. You know, flash cars, expensive jewellery, and stuff like that just don’t do it for me. I want someone who cares about me, not my outfit or how much money I make.”
“I agree. I’d rather have someone real. Hey, get us agreeing on stuff.” We both laughed a little. Thinking that she had begun to relax, I decided to delve a little deeper. “Tell me about your life… You know, the general stuff, family, friends…”
She laughed lightly. “Erm… no I don’t think that’s—”
I held my hand up to halt her. “Okay, no specifics. You can leave out the names and places if it makes you feel better. But… I just want to know a little bit about you. Surely that’s only fair?”
She sighed and pursed her lips to fight the smile there. I seemed to amuse her plenty. “Well… okay, then… I grew up in a little village called Ballaschulish up near Glencoe. My mum was a teacher there.”
“And your dad?”
She stared up at the sky for a while and I wondered if I’d overstepped a line. “He left.”
“Aw shit, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, well, he was an arsehole and he’s had to live with his decision for sixteen years.”
Oh, fuck. Trust me to put my foot in my big mouth. “You haven’t seen him since he left? Since you were a kid?”
“Nope. Not interested. He could turn up on my doorstep, and I’d tell him to get lost.”
Her voice wavered in spite of her strong words, and I felt like a total dick. I reached over and squeezed her hand, but she snatched it away. “I’m fine. I didn’t need him growing up, and you can’t miss what you haven’t had.”
I decided that we needed a change of topic. And after her mention earlier of a boyfriend, there was something niggling at me that I simply had to clarify. “So… you mentioned this Dermott guy, but it sounded kind of past tense… Is there… is there someone special in your life now? Some… significant other?”
She snorted and turned to face me. “Oh, yeah… I’m married with three kids, clearly that’s why I let you fondle me in my office.” The venom in her voice took me off guard.
Shit, I’d hit a raw nerve. “Whoa, hey, jeez, I’m sorry.” I rubbed my hands over my face before taking a deep breath and daring to continue. “Look, I know this isn’t something that you usually do. It’s obvious that you’re… I don’t know… fairly innocent.”
She gasped incredulously. “What? You think I’m a virgin?”
Fuck, can I say anything right here? “That’s not what I said. What I said was innocent.”
“Oh, so because I didn’t do anything for you in return, I’m crap, am I?”
I laughed at the unsaid words she’d somehow heard. “I never said that either. My God, uptight much?”
“Well, if you must know, I’ve only ever slept with one man, and he was Dermott, my university boyfriend. And we… we did stuff, so I’m not as innocent as you might think. But… Urgh! Why am I telling you this anyway? It’s got absolutely nothing to bloody do with you.”
She looked away from me.
I leaned forward and touched her chin to turn her back around so I could connect with her, eye to eye. “Hey, why are you getting so defensive? I haven’t said anything bad.” My voice was soft, and I noticed that her pupils dilated when I spoke this way. Fuck, she wanted me. Once again my cock wanted in on the action, but I tried to ignore the fact and focused my attention on her reaction to me. I made a mental note to keep testing the theory of what my voice did to her. “I think it’s amazing that you’ve only slept with one guy, and it’s pretty damned obvious that I want you, Kelly. You know what you do to me. And this… this fucking situation is driving me crazy. All I want is to be somewhere alone with you so you can relax and let go. Without the risk of someone walking in on us.” I traced her bottom lip with my thumb. “And I think you want that too if you’re honest.”
Her nostrils flared and her chest began to rise and fall rapidly. Her brow furrowed and she pleaded at me with her eyes. “But… but I don’t want to be some conquest, Cain. I’m not like that. There’s a reason I’ve only ever had sex with one man. I don’t trust easily. I don’t commit to relationships because I’ve never met anyone I felt safe with. And you of all people can’t give me that.”
I clenched my jaw and exhaled a long breath. She had a point. “You think I see you as a conquest?”
“Well what else am I? I’m supposedly an unattainable woman who is breaking every ethical rule by even having this conversation with you. We’ve yet to fully figure out who you are, and once we know that, you’ll disappear off to the States a
nd I’ll be left here to get on with my life and deal with the consequences of my actions. To be quite honest with you, I neither need nor want another fuck buddy.”
Hearing her refer to me as another fuck buddy twisted my insides until the pain was almost unbearable. I clenched my fists as I thought of the other fuck buddy she hinted at. No doubt the fucking asshole Dermott. I wanted to fucking shred the bastard. My heart began to pound at the inside of my ribs and the desire to claim her as my own was overwhelming. What the fuck did she take me for? Couldn’t she see what she did to me? I had no clue why it mattered so much and why my gut reaction was so irrational.
I slid myself closer to her on the bench as I fought to calm my erratic breathing. “I want you. Now. I want to be inside you, Kelly.” My voice wavered as I spoke and was softer than I expected. I began to relax as I continued. “And yeah, the more you protest, the more I want you. But not because you’re a conquest. I think… I think I like feisty women.” I smiled. “I can’t explain what the fuck it is, but there is something here… between us. I know you feel it too. Is there anything I can say to convince you to take me home right now?”
She frowned and dropped her gaze. It was evident from her confused expression that there was an inner battle going on. Her job and career were on the line. If she agreed to this affair, then she was overstepping more than one line. But I wasn’t about to go telling anyone.
Her silence was deafening until she eventually spoke. “I… can’t, Cain. I have no clue what’s going on in my head. I hate that you’re all I think about at the moment. I fantasise about you. I dream about you. It’s… it’s not right. You’re my patient and I hardly know you. Shit, you hardly know you. This is so, so… wrong. The way I’m attracted to you is just plain wrong. What the hell is wrong with me?” From the number of times she said wrong, I began to get the impression she was trying to convince herself again. She suddenly turned, and the anguish inside of her burned in her vivid green eyes.
Bad Company: Company of Sinners MC #1 Page 10