The Ultimate X-Men

by Unknown Author

  Finckley: How do you respond to charges that you’re a dilletante super hero, only in it for the kicks?

  Worthington: Sure, that’s me. I stand in front of ray guns because I’m bored and looking for excitement, [laughs]

  I used to be much more frivolous about my behavior in

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  general, but hey, I was young—don’t forget, I was dodging bullets when most kids my age were dodging classes in high school. In my old age—

  Finckley: Old age? You’ve only been doing this for a few years.

  Worthington: Sometimes it seems like I’ve been at this for well over thirty years. Anyway, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve taken my responsibilities much more seriously—and I now realize I can make as much of an impact working within the existing structure.

  Finckley: It sounds as if you’ve caved in and taken the easy way out.

  Worthington: Not at all. I can do as much good by applying financial savvy and good will to the world’s problems as I can by punching out a super-villain—often much more.

  Finckley: Let’s change the subject.

  Worthington: Please.

  Finckley: You mentioned the FAA earlier. Do you have a pilot’s license?

  Worthington: Why? I don’t fly a plane. Well, not really well. They tend to explode, [laughs]

  Finckley: Don’t they give you grief about your flying around?

  Worthington: Do they ever. I have an ongoing lawsuit pending stating that I should be allowed to fly wherever I wTant, and I’ll win it, because the laws cover vehicular flight only, not unaided personal flight. Unfortunately, the injuries have limited that somewhat, and the plane explosion really ticked them off.

  Finckley: They didn’t take kindly to that, eh?

  Worthington: Oh, no, not at all. So the battle continues.

  Finckley: At least you don’t have to worry about being pulled over while you’re flying.

  Worthington: True. This may be the penultimate case of, “The law’s on the books, but they lack the means to enforce it.”

  Finckley: Let’s take some calls. We have Audrey on the line from Long Island, New York.

  Audrey: Didn’t I hear a few years ago about a paternity suit against you?

  Finckley: The boy born with wings, right?

  Audrey: Yes, him. Was he your son?

  Worthington: Absolutely not. A DNA test proved that. The argument that because he was born with wings he was my son didn’t hold up. I mean, my father didn’t have wings, does that mean the stork had an even bigger hand in delivering me?

  Finckley: Thank you, Audrey. Crystal from Alabama, you’re on the air.

  Crystal: Mr. Worthington, I just really want to know what is it like to fly?

  Worthington: You know, everybody asks that question, and I’ve never really been able to put it into words. I’ve talked it over with lots of other fliers—pilots and superheroes—and I’ve never found anybody who quite gets it.

  Finckley: Surely there’s a common language of flight between you and, say, Iron Man?

  Worthington: Not really. Iron Man isn’t flying under his own power, he’s got little boot jets that push him around. I’m the only person I know who flies under his own muscle power, pushing against gravity by flapping my own wings.

  Finckley: Is it anything like deep-sea diving?

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  Worthington: Darned if I know, I can’t do it.

  Finckley: You can’t swim?

  Worthington: Not well, no. Even as a child, I could never go underwater—I found out later that my body was adapting itself to flight, and I’ve got things like hollow bones, just like a bird has. I just floated. And once my wings grew out, it became next to impossible to navigate on water.

  Let me ask you, Crystal, what is it like to swim underwater?

  Crystal: Gee, I don’t know, I never thought about putting it in words before.

  Worthington: You see my problem.

  Finckley: What about hang gliding?

  Worthington: Never tried it, couldn’t see the point, really—I’ll strap my own wings flat against my back so they don’t get in the way and I’ll glide on canvas instead. No thanks, sounds dangerous, [snaps fingers] You know what it’s a little like? Roller coasters!

  Finckley: You’re kidding.

  Worthington: No, really! A slow steady buildup to a high altitude, then off you go, up, down side to side, hard bank, maybe a loop, wind rushing through your hair—it’s not that far off.

  Finckley: Thanks for your call, Crystal.

  Worthington: Good night, Crystal.

  Finckley: I’m curious. As a super hero yourself, who are your heroes?

  Worthington: Oooh, tough question. Captain America, certainly. He was willing to take a chance on two mutants who wanted to do good when nobody else would, Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch, and they went on to save the world time and again. Hercules once told me that on Olympus the gods measured wisdom against Athena, speed against Hermes, and power against Zeus—but they measured courage against Captain America.

  Finckley: Goodness.

  Worthington: Great quote, isn’t it? I marked the way he’d said that, it’s always stuck in my mind.

  Finckley: Who else?

  Worthington: Charles Xavier, for constantly espousing a view of a world where mutants and nonmutants can live together with a minimum of conflict, despite great personal inconvenience, cost, and threats.

  Finckley: Let’s go back to the phones. Hallie from California, you’re on.

  Hallie: Yes, just a silly question . . . you’re so beautiful.

  Worthington: Why, thank you, I’m flattered.

  Hallie: Your eyes are so piercing ... do you wear tinted contacts?

  Worthington: Nope, this is my natural eye color. Baby blue all over.

  Finckley: Thanks for your call, Hallie.

  Worthington: [laughs]

  Finckley: What, did I miss something?

  Worthington: Never mind—private joke.

  Finckley: Care to explain it?

  Worthington: Not on this show!

  Finckley: Fine, be that way! Next caller, Rudy from Oregon, hello.

  Rudy: Archer, I want to ask you a question.

  Finckley: Go ahead.

  Rudy: Are you familiar with the book of Jude?

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  Finckley: Nope, can’t say that I am.

  Worthington: I don’t have it memorized cold.

  Rudy: “And the angels which kept not their first estate, but left their own habitiation, he hath reserved in everlasting chains under darkness unto the judgment of the great day.

  “Even as Sodom and Gomorrah, and the cities about them in like manner, giving themselves over to fornication, and going after strange flesh, are set forth for an example, suffering the vengeance of eternal fire.

  “Likewise also these filthy dreamers defile the flesh, despise dominion, and speak evil of dignities.”

  Worthington: I believe that’s followed by “Yet Michael the Archangel, when contending with the devil he disputed about the body of Moses, durst not bring against him a railing accusation, but said ‘The Lord rebuke thee’.”

  Rudy: What about Isaiah? “But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear.”

  Finckley: Do you have a question, Rudy?

  Rudy: Yes, why do you have this inhuman blasphemer on your show, this fr—

  [LINE DISCONNECTED]

  Finckley: I’m terribly sorry about this, Warren.

  Worthington: It’s all right, I knew it might happen.

  Finckley: Still, it an unconscionable thing to have to endure,

  Worthington: “Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings.” Psalms, chapter 8, verse 2. Remember earlier in the show when I said there wasn’t anything universal to mu-

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  tants? Actually, I take that back. Mutants do have a common element—bozos lik
e that.

  Finckley: In light of the last caller, and with the nom-de-guerre Angel, I have to ask: are you religious? Do you follow a particular faith?

  Worthington: [pause] I’ve known women who believed they were goddesses, beings who have been called gods for centuries, and creatures who might as well be demons because I can’t think of anything else to explain them. But as for actually knowing God—[pause] the best answer I have is that I believe that the closer you get to understanding God, the farther away He slips from you. My belief is that the mind of God is perpetually unknowable, and forever changing. Change is God, probably.

  Finckley: But do you follow a particular faith or religion?

  Worthington: My religious beliefs have been hard thought out and are constantly under revision. I suspect that every holy person has gotten a chunk of it and passed on what he could; I think every religious belief has a hunk of truth, and/or every religion is true for the one who believes in it.

  But I’ll tell you this much—I used to be a hell of a lot more tolerant of organized religion before I heard of William Stryker.

  Finckley: Obviously. Reverend Stryker tried to wipe out every mutant in the world.

  Worthington: When a man takes out a loaded gun in the middle of Madison Square Garden on public television and gets ready to shoot it at friends of mine, I get disgusted. And more, I get scared.

  Finckley: Scared?

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  Worthington: Are you kidding? The people who scare me the most, at least on the domestic political front, are the people who think nothing about doing exactly that, shooting us down to win an argument, and their various banner-carriers, including Stryker and his ilk. They scare me because they want to make Christianity the national religion, and my experience with monotheocracies is that they are intolerant, hypocritical, and often violent. The founding fathers, I think it was specifically Jefferson, said that the reason the first thing in the Bill of Rights was that Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion was “in order to avoid the very tensions that have kept Europe awash in blood for centuries.” Awash in blood.

  Finckley: Powerful phrase.

  Worthington: I know that Stryker doesn’t represent a majority of Americans, or a majority of Republicans, or a majority of Christians, or a majority of anybody. Still, I wish more people who are marginally on his side would take him to task for being a bigot.

  Finckley: What about the argument that superhuman powers are on loan from God, and only God is die source of all power?

  Worthington: Okay, let’s take that point of view for a second, in fact, let’s take it a step further. I, Warren Worthington III, am blessed by the Lord God Almighty, and further have been given the appearance of a cherubim to help spread the Lord’s word as foretold in Exodus 23:20, “I send an Angel before thee, to keep thee in the way.” Luke 2:10, “And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring to you great tidings of joy, which shall be to all people.” And I preach tolerance from Malachi 2:10,

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  “Have we not all one father? Hath not one God created us?”

  Man, it sure doesn’t seem to be working, does it?

  Finckley: Guess not.

  Worthington: Granted, I’m not pushing the metaphor hard—you wouldn’t believe how many quotes there are regarding angels in Revelations. I wish we hadn’t lost the connection with the last caller, I would have loved to match him on scripture. I think the next verse in Jude is, “But these speak evil of those things which they know not: but what they know naturally, as brute beasts, in those things they corrupt themselves.”

  Finckley: One more call for the night—Ethan from Minneapolis, hello.

  Ethan: Hey, Warren, dude!

  Worthington: Hello, Ethan.

  Ethan: I gotta know, dude—do you molt?

  Worthington: Oh, man! [laughs] You know, when somebody asked the President on live TV whether he wore boxers or briefs, I wondered what was going to be my boxers or briefs question tonight.

  Finckley: I think we have the winner.

  Worthington: No, I use Prell to keep my feathers soft and managable. Do I molt—sheesh.

  Finckley: On that note, I guess we should start to wrap

  up.

  Worthington: Yeah, I’d like to go out on a somewhat higher note.

  Finckley: What haven’t we touched on? What do you think is the most pressing issue facing mutants today?

  Worthington: To my mind, the most pressing issue fac-

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  ing anybody, mutant or otherwise, is that the world has gotten to the point where everything matters, and yet we as a people totter somewhere between apathy and anarchy. We have now reached a point in our evolution as a society where anybody, any ope individual, can wreak havoc on dozens, hundreds, even millions of people. If somebody feels that they’ve been wronged, because they were beaten as a child or their people are being persecuted or their nation lost the last war or they hear voices from aliens, they will lash out—and it doesn’t matter whether it’s homo superior using power blasts or homo sapiens using a sniper rifle. And they’re all motivated by fear, fear, fear—fear that a town is going to stone a mutant to death, fear that one mutant is going to destroy a town. But it doesn’t even have to be a mutant—a computer hacker with a grudge can destroy the world by cracking the Pentagon and setting off nukes.

  This is the most urgent message I can make to everybody listening tonight, male or female, white, brown, black, or blue. Every decade is a scientific and social milestone, which means that every year counts as well, and every month, every week, every day. You, yes you, are needed, right now, to make a difference. Large quantities of plutonium, the most explosive element known to humanity, the critical ingredient in nuclear bombs, are unaccounted for, and not a government on earth can tell you where all of it is. A cheerful organization calling itself Mere Humans Plotting To Overthrow The World Next Tuesday After Lunch is distributing plans describing how to build your very own thirty-megaton bomb. Terrorism proliferates, from people of all races, color, and nationalities, whatever, against anyone and everyone. And so many people are so filled with pain and fear,

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  that some can’t help but bubble over and cause tragedies. Nobody is safe anymore, remember Patty Hearst getting kidnapped or Tony Stark being shot. Society can no longer afford to let people be abused, persecuted, or ignored, or even feel that they are; the stakes, the consequences are way too high. We all need every available hand we can get—you, if you’re not busy and give a damn about your world—and we need you immediately. Every act of our lives is either a step toward the achievevment. of all our hopes and dreams or a step back toward the stupidity and self-pity that can destroy us. Any single act of love and hope may be the grain that tips the scale toward survival, and any single act of cruelty or injustice may be the scale that tips the balance the other way. We need to start working together to prevent those tragedies and make the world a better place, a happier place, one where no one feels jealous or slighted because somebody else is rich and I’m not, someone else has a home and I don’t, someone hurt my friend so I’ll kill him.

  „ Utopia or oblivion is the only choice we have left. We have to take responsibility' for our own actions, instead of blaming it on the other guy.

  We were talking about religion before and how mutations fit into all of it. Kurt Vonnegut said, “A great swindle of our time is the assumption that science has made religion obsolete.” I really believe that. There is nothing in science that contradicts the works of mercy recommended by St. Thomas Aquinas—teaching the ignorant, consoling the sad, bearing with the oppresive and troublesome, feeding the hungry, sheltering the homeless, visiting prisoners and the sick, and praying for us all. We all need you—on the side of the angels.

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  Finckley: On the side of the angels?

  Worthington: Precisely. On the side of the angels. Finckley: I can
’t think of a better note to go out on. Thank you for coming on the show tonight, Warren.

  Worthington: Thank you for having me here, I really enjoyed myself.

  Finckley: Join us here tomorrow night, when our guest on the show will be New York District Attorney Blake Tower. Does the high-profile DA plan on throwing his hat in the ring for Mayor of New York? Tune in tomorrow and find out. See you then. Thank you for watching, good night.

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  jenn Saint-Jolin & Tammy Lynne Dunn

  Illustration by James W. Fry

  11 r- Jerome Watkins took a deep breath in a vain attempt I I to calm his racing heart. The pipette in his hand held lr the latest strain of the bacteria he’d spent his entire professional life developing, ready for its greatest and final test.

  Maybe I really have it this time, he thought. All those years of research and study, all those compromises I made, and it comes down to this moment.

  He carefully transferred the contents of the pipette into a petri dish containing a small plastic block, and took a deliberate step backward to observe the effects. Arms crossed, he nervously sucked his lower lip into his mouth and began chewing on it absentmindedly, waiting.

  He didn’t wait long. In less than a minute, the square began to dissolve. Tiny streams of fluorescent green plastic goop became miniature rivers, and within two minutes, the block was gone. Were it not for the half ounce or so of green liquid the consistency of milk, one would never have know'n the block had been there.

  Suppressing his desire to cheer and dance, Dr. Watkins allowed himself only a brief smile of joy and relief before turning to the computer to enter the test data and begin the modeling for the next stage of the experiment.

  “I knew it could work,” he told himself. “And no matter what else may happen, these bacteria will solve so many landfill problems. The ecological benefits are well worth-risking the other outcome. And the other won’t happen. No sane person would let it happen. They won’t. They couldn’t.”

  Without warning, the laboratory door burst open and

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  two strangers stormed into the room. Startled, Watkins jumped out of his chair and moved protectively toward the experimental area.