Scarred Surrender (Scarred Series Book 6)

by Jackie Williams

  Crystal felt her heart break the moment James drifted off to sleep. Part of her had wanted him to stay awake, but the other part had wanted to be able to talk to him and she couldn’t bring herself to disclose her innermost secrets when he was awake. It was better this way, knowing that he wouldn’t deny her or reject her.

  Her hands worked the delicate oils into his beautifully muscled body. He was a spectacular specimen of a man. Broad, honed, and perfect in every way possible. She gave his legs a long look and where some people might have seen a disabled man, she recognized only strength, determination, and raw power in his reduced limbs. He was one of the bravest, kindest, most honourable men she knew and she was going to leave him. The thought nearly crippled her.

  Her lips trembled as a lone tear ran down her face a dripped off her chin. It landed heavily in the centre of his back and she glanced at the side of his face to see if its fall had woken him. His eyes remained closed and his features relaxed. She let out a deep sigh and whispered her words as she carried on the massage.

  “I know that you can’t hear me, but I need to tell you some things anyway,” she murmured into the quiet room. “James, I love you. I love you more than anyone, apart from Emily, and have done from the moment I first met you, but I have to stay here and you have to go.” She took a few shuddering breaths. “I have to help these men, men who aren’t as strong as you yet, and you and Emily have your own lives to lead. I can’t ask either of you to give up your dreams anymore than you would want me to give up mine.” She added more oil and remained silent for a long moment as she trailed her fingertips through the shining liquid. “I didn’t know this was how I’d feel when we arrived here. I swear that I was going to set up a small clinic in England, but this is so much more rewarding.” Another tear chased the first down her cheek. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. It’s not as if you think of me in the same way that I think of you. I know I’m just Adam’s daughter to you, nothing more, but I so wish that there could have been more. I wish you could see me as a woman, not just a girl. I’d make you love me and then maybe you wouldn’t be able to leave me. God! What am I saying? You have to go with Emily.” She gulped on her words and moved back from the bed as more tears slipped down her face. “But I will never stop loving you. Not for as long as I live.” She lay a warm towel over his tear splashed back and gently wiped them away before she leaned down and brushed her lips against the tender skin just below his ear.

  The veil of sensuality had twisted into a cold web of misery. Guilt wracked him, but he couldn’t move, couldn’t open his eyes or his mouth and tell her how he felt now. He had no choice but to stay quiet even though he wanted to haul her into his arms and kiss her senseless before telling her that he would give up everything to stay with her.

  It was all too late. He was going home in the morning and taking Emily with him.

  He had run every way possible to keep them together through his mind, but it wouldn’t work. The responsibility of the position Crystal was taking on meant that she had to be on hand at the centre. Even taking a few days off was going to be difficult, especially while her clinic was being set up and her current clients so vulnerable. To have him in her life at this critical stage would be impossible.

  His own business presented another problem. He couldn’t just give it up. He had worked so hard to make it work and he employed ten other retired servicemen, all of whom needed an income. He needed one of his own too and he couldn’t leave Alex to run their security company alone while he took a salary. That wouldn’t be fair. James needed to be there almost as much as his computer expert did. The fortnight they had been at the château had been a week too long. He would be catching up for the next month.

  Sponging off Emily’s trust fund was not an option either, although the funds allowed him to take any reasonable expenses. His conscience wouldn’t let him do it.

  And then, apart from the guardianship and trustee issues, there was Emily’s degree. Her interests and dreams were just as important to her as Crystal’s holistic and alternative therapy course had been. If Emily was serious about her idea of opening an art gallery, she needed the experience of working in different mediums and with other artists as well as taking on the challenges of the marketing and business management side of things.

  He had to stop thinking about it. Had to let it go if only while she worked on him. Her fingertips felt like a caress on his skin and he let Crystal’s gentle words roll over him as he lay there feeling as though he was dying inside. He wanted to tell her that he saw her as a woman, wanted her as a woman, wanted her so badly that he was having trouble lying flat on his stomach right at that moment.

  He wanted to wipe away the tears from her cheeks and the sorrow from her heart. And he wanted to tell her that he loved her.

  But he lay silent and still, keeping his breathing regular although his blood raced through his veins as her delicate scent came nearer, her breath wafted over his cheek, her lips touched the skin below his ear and his heart shattered into a million pieces.

  Saying goodbye to her the next morning was one of the hardest things he had ever done. It was hopeless everyone saying that France was only a couple of hours away, that they could come over every weekend, could catch the ferry or a plane. He had heard it so many times in the last few hours he was tempted to strangle the next person who mentioned it. It wasn’t going to be that easy.

  Tears poured down both the young women’s faces as Emily gave Crystal a hard squeeze and then ran for the car. James hugged David, Patrick, and Joe before he gave Ellen, Geraldine, and Lucy a peck on their cheeks.

  He saved his moment with Crystal until last, wanting to remember the imprint of her body against his for the rest of his life. He knew he would see her again, that this wasn’t a final goodbye, but it still felt as though he was putting something behind him, making a separation that would never be re-established in the same way. He pulled her to him as she dabbed at her damp eyes, and wrapped his arms around her as she melted into his chest.

  “Going to miss you,” he whispered into her hair, his voice sounding hoarse to his own ears.

  She choked on her own response.

  “I’ll, I’ll miss you too. Take care and look after Emily for me.” Crystal mumbled into his shirt.

  He brushed his palm over her silky hair, memorizing its softness and satin bright shine as he fought for control over his roiling emotions.

  “I will, don’t worry.” Shards of broken glass felt as though they had been poured down his throat. He swallowed several times before he could think of speaking again, his falsely jovial tone making him feel sick to his stomach. “We’ll be back in a few weeks when I’ve caught up at work. We can conference call about any investments I might make on your behalf, but at the moment I’m just going to let things lie. There’s no rush to do anything just yet.” His mind was too numb to consider money.

  She let out a deep breath against him.

  “No, of course not.” She hesitated as if about to say more, but it took a few seconds for her to gain enough composure. “Don’t forget how to do the squash ball thing and call me if you have any problems. I can talk you through it again if you need me to.”

  He closed his eyes for a brief moment, sucked in a long pull of her unique perfume, and kissed the top of her head before setting her back from him.

  “I won’t forget, and I will call if I need to. Promise.” He clenched his teeth together and blinked hard before letting her go and walking swiftly to the car. He climbed in, closed the door, and pulled his seatbelt around him before he looked over at Joe who was driving them to the airport. “Okay, we’re ready. Let’s go.”

  Emily waved out of the rear window and then turned back around, slumped down in her eat and howled. James dug in his pocket and handed her a wad of tissues. He blew his own nose before settling into his seat and staring silently out of the window screen.

  Joe kept his mouth shut for ten minutes before he could hold back no longer.<
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  “You’re making a big mistake. Both of you. You could work this out. There has to be a way. You could come back after Emily has finished her exams. There’s nothing to stop you.”

  James shook his head.

  “It would only be a temporary thing and I don’t want that. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I’ve been through it a thousand times trying to come up with a solution, but there isn’t one that will work for all of us. I can’t give up work, Emily can’t give up her future and Crystal’s not going to change her mind about this venture. And in all good conscience, who would want her to.” He clenched his hands into fists as the tension suddenly turned to real pain. His legs throbbed mercilessly. Let go of it. Put it all in the ball and it let go! He repeated the mantra and pulled Crystal’s beautiful face to the forefront of his imagination. The pain receded instantly and he let out a long, relieved breath before speaking again. “I feel as though I’ve had my heart ripped out and Emily feels the same. If there was a way around it, any way that would mean we could all be together, don’t you think I would grab the chance with both hands?” Desperation cut through his words.

  Emily gulped back the last of her tears as she listened to the two men. She sniffled noisily into another tissue as she stared at the man sitting in the front of the car. His head fell back against the headrest and his broad shoulders slumped into the seat. Misery radiated off him and permeated the car. She glanced at Joe, whose eyes flicked briefly over his friend and then she turned to watch the beautiful French countryside whip by as thoughts spun through her mind.

  Chapter Eleven

  “Brain food!” James announced brightly as he tipped the huge pancake out onto Emily’s plate. He pushed the freshly cut lemon wedges and bowl of sugar nearer to her before turning back to the stove to add more batter to the pan.

  Emily rolled her eyes and shook her head but dutifully began spooning sugar over her breakfast.

  “You mean I have a flat, spongy brain?” She asked as she glanced up at him.

  “No.” He turned and picked up a lemon wedge and crushed the juice out of it over her pancake. “You have a very sharp one, or you will now I’ve added some lemon juice to your sugar. I’ll call that one of your five fruit or veg in a day, though I’m not sure it really counts.” He turned back to the stove. “Is this the last exam or do you have any more?”

  Emily made sure he wasn’t looking as she added another heaped spoonful of sugar before quickly rolling her pancake. She cut a slice and examined it before speaking.

  “Why? Are you fed up of making me breakfasts like this? Because, honestly, I’m going to be glad if you are. We’ve had take-away nearly every evening this week. I’m beginning to look like the side of a house.” She popped the sugary morsel into her mouth.

  James flipped his own pancake out onto a plate, sprinkled a small amount of sugar and squeezed several of the remaining lemon wedges over it. He had been starting work late on the days of her exams, making sure that she ate a full breakfast before heading out to college.

  “Pancake is fine. It has what you need to get you through the day. Take-away, well, it’s not what I want to give you, but I’m still catching up at work. Alex found us another thirty clients in those two weeks we were away. If we don’t get their accounts sorted quickly they’re going to go to our competition. I can’t let that happen when we’ve just become really profitable. We’ll have to take on more staff at the rate we are going.”

  Emily cut into her pancake and scrutinized it again to make sure there was plenty of sugar before taking a big bite. She spent the next few seconds chewing before she spoke again.

  “It’s actually a great pancake, but you can put your pinny away tomorrow. It’s my last exam today. Going to be a long one too, it being the final day of the art practical.”

  James rolled his own pancake.

  “How do you think you’ve done so far? Your exams seem to have gone on forever.” He dug into his breakfast, savouring the tartness of the lemon.

  She shrugged indifferently.

  “It’s because they are all done in different sections now. I’ve probably done okay. Can’t say really, but all things considered, I think it’s gone better than I thought it might. It’s all down to the moderators now. My tutor thinks I’ve done fine but a lot hangs on this last piece. It’s a six hour exam and represents forty percent of the total mark.” She stabbed the last of her pancake and popped it in her mouth.

  “Wow! Six hours. No pressure then. You sure you don’t want another pancake if you’re going to be sat in an exam room all day.” He glanced over to see how much mixture remained in the jug.

  She shook her head as she patted her stomach.

  “No, thanks. One was plenty. We have a break at the halfway point in the exam, but we have to stay in the art studio. I’ve packed a sandwich and some fruit so I should be fine.”

  He finished his breakfast and stacked their plates.

  “Maybe we should go out and celebrate you finishing. We could go out to dinner or something.”

  Emily gave him a small smile.

  “Thanks, that would be nice. I’m going out with my friends for coffee straight after the exam, but we’ll be done by six. What about that Indian place in town, you know, the one opposite the precinct? It’s only five minutes from your office and it always smells heavenly when you walk past. I can meet you there if that’s more convenient for you.”

  James slid their crockery into the dishwasher.

  “Yes, that would be fine. I can come straight from the office if you don’t mind me wearing my work gear.” He smiled as she laughed for the first time in what felt like weeks.

  “Yeah, I think I can put up with you, seeing that you only ever wear jeans and casual shirts every day. You won’t be too embarrassing if any of my mates see me out with an old man like you.”

  James turned slowly back from the dishwasher, a grin plastered on his face.

  “Why you little...Old man indeed! What a cheek! I am still your guardian, remember, and you’re only a shrimp of a girl. I can still put you over my knee.”

  Emily shrieked with laughter.

  “You just try it. I’ll hide your prosthetics for a week.” She countered as she pushed her chair back from the table. “Right, I mustn’t be late so I’ll get going now. See you tonight just after six.”

  James waved her out of the room.

  “Yeah, see you there. Break a leg and all that today.” He wished her good luck as she blew him a kiss, grabbed her packed lunch and left the house soon after. James turned back into the kitchen to finish the chores before heading out to work.

  They had been back in England for three weeks and while they enjoyed each other’s company both he and Emily knew that they were putting a brave face on the situation. They both missed Crystal terribly.

  While Emily had revised, taken exams and revised some more, James had buried himself in his work. Only weeks before heading to France, one of their major competitors had gone out of business. The firm had tried to undercut the market and found that they couldn’t live up to their own publicity. Clients had left them in droves, forcing the company into liquidation and giving James and Alex the perfect opportunity to cash-in on the outcome.

  But however busy they were, and however many times James tried to convince himself otherwise, it appeared that Alex had managed perfectly well while James was away by delegating any urgent work to other staff. Although James jumped right back into the melee as soon as he arrived back at work, the smooth running of the operation made him feel that he was a little surplus to requirements.

  Knowing how much she missed her sister, James had made the effort to be at home for Emily as much as he could, but her eighteenth birthday was only two months away and he didn’t feel the need to be around all the time. That was a sentiment she confirmed after flushing bright red and rolling her eyes towards the group of friends who accompanied her when he had picked her up at the college gate one afternoon. She had been fine
about it, but a short discussion about teenage etiquette later that same night had him promising not to turn up at the college gates again unless asked. They had lapsed into a comfortable, casual familiarity since.

  Crystal Skyped Emily every couple of days. Their conversations had grown from the awkward ‘yes/no’ question and answer sessions with Emily giving as brief answers as she could to her sister’s queries about exams and college. Recently their chats had been getting longer with Emily asking questions about Crystal’s work and especially about how Andrew was getting on.

  Occasionally James had casually walked behind Emily as she sat sideways on the settee with her tablet resting on her knees. Crystal had given him a wave and called out a hello. Several times he had noticed Andrew hovering in the background or sitting shoulder to shoulder with Crystal. On other occasions, Geraldine’s brother Jules appeared at her side.

  The previous evening had been pure torture. Crystal had Skyped Emily while the rehabilitation centre clients helped celebrate their new therapist’s twenty-fifth birthday. One of them had made her an enormous cake. They all sat around the huge kitchen table waving and singing tunelessly while eye-wateringly pink icing dripped down the sides of the cake. The warbling continued as the twenty-five candles caused the pictures in the tablet screen to flicker and glow, but their brightness still hadn’t been enough to blot out the image of both Andrew and Jules, their eyes sparkling joyously and their lips plastered to Crystal’s blushing cheeks. James’ guts burned with jealousy despite slapping on a smile and waving back as he joined in with the chorus.