by Bob Stine
"Yes, sir," said Sandurz, giving Dark Helmet a funny look, then quickly returning his glance to the radar screen.
The magnetic beam held Princess Vespa's little ship tightly in its grip. Slowly, slowly, it began to pull the Honeymoon Coupe back toward the Cruiser.
Chapter 7
As the Princess's Honeymoon Coupe was being slowly pulled by the magnetic beam into the mammoth open jaws of the Spaceballs' Cruiser, Lone Starr and his woolly companion rushed to the rescue. Flying at its top speed, the Eagle Five drew in close to Vespa's captured ship.
"There's our Princess!" Lone Starr cried.
"Uh-oh," Barf exclaimed, his paws on the throttle. "Spaceballs! They've got her in a magnetic beam. We'd better hurry."
"Okay. Let's move," said Lone Starr, narrowing his eyes the way a movie hero would. "Full throttle."
Barf grabbed the twin throttles tighter and began to push forward. But then he stopped and turned to Lone Starr, who was busy trying to get his eyes a little narrower and maybe get a few masculine creases in his forehead.
"Wait a minute," Barf said. "Why are we risking our lives for a runaway Princess? I know we need the money, but...."
Lone Starr stopped wrinkling his forehead and turned to his sidekick. "Barf, listen. We're not just doing this for money," he said.
"We're not?" Barf exclaimed.
"No," Lone Starr said. "We're doing this for a lot of money!"
"Oh. That's different," Barf replied. He began to push forward on the throttles again. "Okay. We're gonna save her. But how? The minute we move in, their radar's gonna spot us."
Lone Starr flashed him a sly grin. "Not if we jam it."
Barf returned the grin. "Good idea." He pulled down a small periscope, sighted through it, and reached for a button on its handle. "Radar about to be ... jammed." He pushed the button.
A large canister came hurtling out of Eagle Five, flying toward the radar dish on the Spaceball Cruiser. BAAARRROOOOM. The canister exploded.
A thick, dark, gooey substance splattered onto the radar dish with a loud pluccccch. The radar dish slowed, then stopped turning.
Inside the Spaceball Cruiser, the radar operator suddenly jumped to his feet. He pulled off his headphones. They were covered with a thick, wet gook. "Uh ... sir..." he called up to Colonel Sandurz. "I have a problem."
"What is it?" Sandurz called down impatiently.
"It's the radar, sir," the radar operator said. "It seems to be...." He looked at his headphones. He touched the gook with his finger. He licked his finger. "It seems to be jammed!"
"Jammed?" Dark Helmet cried, very alarmed. He hurried over to the radar console. "Let me see that."
Dark Helmet dipped his finger in the dark goo and tasted it. "Raspberry!" he cried angrily. "There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry!"
"Do you mean - " Sandurz started.
"Yes," Dark Helmet said. "Lone Starr! He knows I'm allergic to raspberries!"
Dark Helmet let go with a powerful sneeze. The sneeze echoed in his helmet for several seconds. He sneezed again. And again. "Everybody knows I'm allergic to raspberries!" he cried.
He sneezed so hard, his visor fell. Now he was sneezing and coughing, then coughing and sneezing. Then just sneezing.
***
Hidden from the Spaceballs' radar, the Eagle Five moved into position above the trapped Honeymoon Coupe. "Magnets on!" commanded Lone Starr.
"You don't have to shout. I'm sitting right next to you," Barf complained.
"I'm just trying to make it a little dramatic," Lone Starr said. "Magnets on!" he shouted again.
"Okay, okay. Magnets on," Barf said, pushing several buttons. "We're lined up and locked in on Vespa's ship."
"Well, guess who gets to go down and get her," Lone Starr said with a grin.
"I don't have to guess," his hairy sidekick replied. "I'm already on my way. Although, I wouldn't send a dog out on a night like this."
"I wouldn't go out on a joke like that!" Lone Starr said, making a face. But Barf was already on his way.
The hatch door opened in the bottom of the Eagle Five, and a Lucite rope ladder dropped down from it. Barf slowly began to lower himself down the ladder. Slowly, carefully he climbed down until he landed on the roof of the Honeymoon Coupe with a loud bump. (Barf wasn't exactly light on his feet!)
Inside the ship, the worried Princess looked up at the ceiling. "What was that?" she cried.
The bump was followed by a loud knocking on the roof of the ship.
"Never mind that. What is that?" Dot cried, shaking so hard she lost a few bolts.
The moon roof slid open, and Barf stuck his hairy head in. He flashed them a big grin. "Hi!"
"YAAAAAIIII!" The Princess and Dot nearly leaped out of the ship.
"Who - who are you?" the Princess managed to ask.
"Barf."
"Not in here, you don't!" Dot screamed.
"No, that's my name," Barf said, still grinning. "Barf."
"Never mind who are you," the Princess said. "What are you?"
Barf lowered his head a little further into the ship. "I'm a mawg," he told them. "Half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend."
He licked his own paw to prove it.
"Ugh," said Vespa, making a face. "Do you have fleas?"
"No. No!" Barf cried defensively. "I just scratch a lot to keep limber. You know, for exercise."
"Well, okay," Vespa said. "You can come in. But don't shed on the carpet. What do you want, anyway?"
Barf lowered himself into the cabin. "Your father hired Captain Lone Starr and me to rescue you. Come on - hop up the ladder."
Dot began to hum excitedly. "Good! We're saved! We're saved! Hurry, darling. Follow the dog."
"That's mawg - mawg!" Barf cried, offended.
"But wait - " Vespa said, looking toward the storage hold. "My matched luggage."
"What??" Barf screamed. "Matched luggage! There's no time for matched luggage!"
Vespa's beautiful red lips formed an angry pout. "I'm a Princess. I don't go anywhere without matched luggage!"
A few seconds later, Vespa and her faithful droid climbed up the Lucite ladder to the Eagle Five. They were followed by Barf, who was having a slightly difficult time climbing since he was weighted down by the Princess's matched luggage.
Barf had a trunk on his back, the handle of one suitcase gripped tightly in his teeth, tote bags hanging from his shoulders, two suitcases under each arm, and a hatbox hanging from his tail! "Ooh, boy - wouldn't you know I have to scratch real bad!" he cried.
Several minutes later, Barf stumbled into the Eagle Five and staggered through the rear compartment, falling over Vespa and Dot on his way to the cockpit.
"Are you checking in?" Lone Starr cried when he saw Barf emerge through the curtain.
Barf dropped the suitcase he was carrying in his mouth. "It's Her Highness's matched luggage," he groaned.
"What does she think this is - a Princess Cruise?" Lone Starr exclaimed. He quickly flicked on the intercom. "Now hear this!" he shouted into the microphone. "The minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage."
Back in the rear compartment, Vespa picked up a microphone. "Now you hear this!" she shouted. "You will not touch my luggage. And furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up. All this dust is not good for my sinuses. As a Princess, I cannot allow myself to be rescued in such utter filth."
Lone Starr grippied his microphone tighter in his fist. "Listen, sweetheart," he barked, "on this ship, I don't take orders - I give them!"
Princess Vespa was so enraged, she nearly dropped her microphone. Lone Starr was only three feet in front of her. She was tempted to go up front and really give him a piece of her mind.
But she shouted into the microphone instead. "Sweetheart! How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the proper manner as Your Royal Highness. I am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids."
"I knew it," Lone
Starr muttered to Barf. "A Druish Princess!"
"Funny," Barf muttered back, "she doesn't look Druish."
Chapter 8
As the Eagle Five sped away with its royal passenger, the Spaceballs pulled the Honeymoon Coupe into their Cruiser. Inside the command center of the Cruiser, Dark Helmet, Sandurz, and their lieutenants looked on eagerly, awaiting the moment when they would have Vespa in their clutches.
"Prepare the clutches," Lord Helmet ordered.
"Clutches prepared, sir," one of the Idiots called.
"Turn off the big magnet," Sandurz commanded.
The magnetic beam was turned off. A squad of uniformed Spaceball troopers came trotting in on the double. They quickly surrounded the Honeymoon Coupe, their laser rifles at the ready. The leader of the troopers pulled down the ramp of the ship and prepared to enter.
"Hold it! Hold it!" Dark Helmet cried. "I'll handle this personally." He stepped up to the low entrance to the ship. "Now we'll show her who's running this galaxy!"
Dark Helmet slammed down his visor mask and began to stride boldly around the outside of the Princess's spaceship. Immediately, he began to wheeze, and his voice came out of the tight mask choked and tiny.
"So, Princess Vespa" - wheeze, cough - he shouted from behind his mask. "You thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball."
Dark Helmet bumped into the ship, turned, and walked back in the other direction. "Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner. And you will be held hostage until such time as all the air from your planet is transferred to Planet Spaceball."
Lord Helmet walked triumphantly around the ship, gasping for breath. "We don't want to steal your air. We just want to borrow it. Once we have breathed it, we will be happy to return it, and - "
He stopped and opened the door to the Honeymoon Coupe. "Hey! She's not in there!"
The troopers all dropped their guns and ran for cover! They knew Dark Helmet could get a little peevish when things went wrong.
The immense chamber grew hushed. Suddenly the voice of the radar operator on the loudspeaker interrupted the silence. "The radar is no longer jammed, sir. We're picking up the outline of a - a Winnebago!"
"Aha!" cried Dark Helmet. "Lone Starr...."
"Follow that Winnebago!" Colonel Sandurz commanded.
***
"What do I dial for room service?" Princess Vespa asked into her microphone. Dot was busily dusting the cramped rear compartment of the tiny craft.
The Eagle Five was speeding away from the Spaceball Cruiser. "Forget about room service. Here comes the Badyear Blimp," Lone Starr said, studying his radar screen. "The Spaceballs are comin' after us."
"We gotta get outta here in a hurry," Barf said.
"Brilliant plan," Lone Starr said sarcastically. "Did you go to college to figure out that one?"
"Well, what's your plan?" Barf asked defensively.
"Switch to hyperjets!" Lone Starr ordered.
Barf shrugged. "Okay. Switching to hyperjets." He pushed a few buttons.
Lone Starr switched his intercom back on. "You'd better buckle up back there. We're going into hyperactive."
Three feet behind the cockpit in the rear compartment, Princess Vespa was busy spraying the area with an aerosol can. The can was labeled ROYAL SMELL.
She picked up the microphone and said, "We're going into what?"
"Never mind, honey," came Lone Starr's voice over the speaker. "Just sit down and buckle up."
The Princess's face knotted in fury. "Honey? Who do you think you're talking to? May I remind you...."
She heard a loud click. Lone Starr had flicked off the intercom.
She let out a howl and beat her fists against the wall. "Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate. Hate."
"Don't hold it in, dear," Dot said soothingly. "What do you really think of him?"
***
In the Spaceball Star Cruiser command center, Dark Helmet and his cohorts were in pursuit of the fleeing Eagle Five.
"We're closing in on them, sir," the radar operator reported from his console.
"Very good," Sandurz said, eyes on the radar screen. He turned to Lord Helmet. "They'll be ours in less than a minute, sir."
Dark Helmet looked at his watch. "Is that Standard Time?"
"Yes, sir," Sandurz answered.
Dark Helmet looked up and his little face filled with emotion. "Oh, Lone Starr..." he said longingly. "I can't wait to make him dead."
"Very well said, sir," Sandurz said, tears forming in his eyes. He turned back to his men. "Prepare for attack."
"On the count of three," Dark Helmet said.
The Spaceball Cruiser was right behind Lone Starr's small craft now and gaining fast.
"One..." Dark Helmet called.
The hyperjets on the back of Eagle Five began to glow. The Spaceball Cruiser moved closer, closer.
"Two..." Dark Helmet called "...late!"
In less than a second, Eagle Five rocketed off into the star field, leaving Dark Helmet and Sandurz staring into empty space.
"They must have hyperjets on that thing!" cried the astonished Sandurz.
"After them! Catch them! After them!" Dark Helmet screamed.
"Yes, sir," said Sandurz. He yelled into his microphone, "Prepare for light speed."
"No. No. Light speed is too slow!" Lord Helmet protested. "We'll have to go to ludicrous speed!"
The astonished Spaceball crew members began to mutter to themselves in surprise and amazement. "Ludicrous speed!"
Sandurz, too, was astonished by the suggestion. "Ludicrous speed!" he cried, gripping the command rail. "We've never gone that fast, sir. I don't know if the ship can take it."
Dark Helmet leaned in menacingly close to his officer. "What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?" he asked. "Are you chicken?"
Chapter 9
"Prepare the ship for ludicrous speed!" Sandurz commanded, the words echoing on loudspeakers throughout the Cruiser.
Was this a wise idea? Or was it a ludicrous idea? They would all soon find out.
"Fasten all seat belts," Sandurz said. "Seal all entrances and exits. Close all shops in the mall. Secure all animals in the zoo."
"Give me that, you wimp!" Dark Helmet cried impatiently, grabbing the microphone from Sandurz's hands. "Now hear this! Ludicrous speed.... GO!!"
"But, sir," Sandurz said quietly, "hadn't you better fasten your - "
With an ear-shattering roar, the Spaceball Cruiser leaped into light speed. In the Cruiser's vast windscreen, the sky full of stars became stripes of white light.
"Your seat belt, sir," Sandurz tried to warn his leader. But the roar of the ship drowned out his plea.
The Cruiser jolted forward, moving from light speed to ridiculous speed. The white stripes were joined by stripes of many colors. The ship began to vibrate violently.
"Ssseat belllt...." Sandurz continued his attempts to warn Dark Helmet.
This time, his voice was drowned out by a warning siren. The ship began to vibrate as if it were inside a blender and someone had pushed puree!
LUDICROUS SPEED!
Dark Helmet's eyes bugged out of his head. Outside the windscreen, the stripes weaved themselves together - and formed plaid!
They'd entered the Plaid Zone!
Bathed in eerie plaid light, the crew's faces flattened out as the ship hurtled through space at ludicrous speed.
"Hey - my seat belt..." Lord Helmet realized. But it was a little too late. He grabbed onto the command rail as the force of the gravity pull lifted him into the air. His feet fluttered up behind him, kicking at air. His helmet streamed out behind him, pulling back on its elastic straps farther and farther, tighter and tighter.
As his shiny black helmet shot out behind him, Lord Helmet's startled face was revealed. He had patent-leather hair!
"Ohhh, boy," he groaned, holding onto the rail with all his might. "I never did look good in plaid. It's too busy for my figure...."
***
Meanwhile, trave
ling at light speed, the Eagle Five continued to elude its pursuer. Lone Starr and Barf manned (and dogged) the controls, keeping the battered old ship on a steady course.
Suddenly they heard a loud whirr and saw a flash of light go by their windscreen. "What the heck was that?" Barf cried.
"Spaceball One," Lone Starr said, narrowing his eyes.
To their surprise, the Eagle Five was suddenly bathed in plaid. "Holy moly!" Barf cried. "They've gone to plaid!"
"Plaid was never my color," Lone Starr said, glancing at himself in the mirror. "I always preferred your solids. You know ... the more masculine pastels...."
***
Back in Spaceball One, Lord Helmet continued to hold on to the command rail for dear life as his body flew up in the air and his helmet was being pulled farther and farther behind him. "You fools! Stop!" he moaned. "We just passed them! Stop!"
"We can't stop! It's too dangerous!" Sandurz shouted above the screaming roar of the engines. "We've got to slow down first!"
"No! No! Stop! Stop!" Dark Helmet screamed.
Shaking his head, Sandurz reluctantly reached for a lever in front of him on the control panel. A light beneath the lever flashed: EMERGENCY STOP - NEVER USE!
Sandurz pushed the lever - and the Cruiser came to a complete halt in less than a second. If a dime had floated in that area of outer space, Spaceball One would've stopped on it!
Dark Helmet's eyes opened wide as he realized what was about to happen. "Hoo, boy. Maybe we should've slowed down a little first," he said quietly.
And then his giant helmet snapped back into place, smacked him at full force from behind, and slingshot him up into the air. He sailed about twenty feet across the command center.
The crew turned their heads at the sound of the deafening crunnnnnch as their leader landed headfirst in the control panel. His helmet embedded itself in the console. The rest of his body stuck out of the helmet.
Sandurz stepped up to the panel and looked down at the boots of his unfortunate leader. "We've stopped, sir," he said.
"Yes. I noticed," Dark Helmet replied in a tiny whistle of a voice. "Thank you for the information.".