by Bob Stine
"Good thing you were wearing that helmet," Sandurz observed. He stepped around his leader, who remained stuck headfirst in the control console.
"Yes. Good thing," Dark Helmet said weakly.
"What should we do now, sir?" Sandurz asked.
There was a long silence. "Why don't we take a break?" Lord Helmet suggested.
***
Far behind the Spaceball Cruiser, Lone Starr began to pull back on the throttle to slow down the Eagle Five. "Take her out of hyperactive," he told his hairy sidekick.
"Coming out of hyperactive," Barf said. A smile spread across his face as the ship slowed and the white light outside the window became single stars again. "Congratulations, Boss. We're safe," Barf said. "They overshot us by a year and a half!"
Lone Starr shook Barf's hand. "Okay, let's set a course for Druidia," he said.
"Setting a course for Druidia," the happy mawg said. But his smile quickly faded as the ship began to jerk and toss, and strange, belching noises came from the engine.
"What's that? Did you have pastrami for lunch again?" Lone Starr asked.
"No, Boss," Barf replied. He tapped the fuel gauge. "Uh-oh. We're out of gas."
Lone Starr's mouth dropped open. "Out of gas?"
"We burned it up in hyperactive," Barf told him. "Told you we should've put in more than five bucks worth."
They looked at each other. They looked out at the stars. They weren't moving at all.
"Now what do we do ?" Barf asked. "Now what do we do?" He repeated himself to make it all the more dramatic.
Chapter 10
The Eagle Five drifted silently in the dark void of space. Barf's face filled with fear and he began to tremble and shake. He did a little scratching. A little more scratching. And then some more trembling.
"Have you got fleas?" Lone Starr asked, reaching for the flea spray.
"No, no!" Barf declared. "Honest I don't! I was just thinking. That's the way I think. Scratching helps me think."
Lone Starr frowned and looked out the front of the ship. His eyes opened wide. He saw something out there. "There's some kind - of moon down there," he told his companion. "We've got a tiny bit of fuel left. We've got to try to make an emergency landing."
"You mean a crash landing?" Barf asked.
"I prefer emergency landing," Lone Starr said.
"Oh, no." Barf trembled in fear.
"Quick - give me a reading," Lone Starr said.
"Our Father, Who art in Heaven..." Barf began.
"Not that kind of a reading!" Lone Starr shouted. He picked up the microphone and spoke into the intercom. "Keep your seat belts fastened back there. You okay, Princess?"
Behind the curtain that separated the rear compartment from the cockpit, the Princess grabbed for her microphone. Her hair was completely mussed, she looked terribly disheveled, and her dress was on backward.
"No, I'm not okay, you idiot!" she cried. "I'm okay for a tossed salad! But I'm not a tossed salad! I'm a Princess! Where did you learn to fly? We've been thrown around back here so hard our - "
CLICK.
Lone Starr turned off the intercom, interrupting her tirade. He turned back to the controls. It wasn't going to be easy to land safely, especially with just a tiny drop of fuel. "Jets off," he said.
"Jets off. Don't like it," Barf replied.
"Rockets reversed," Lone Starr ordered.
"Rockets reversed. Don't like it," Barf replied.
"Gear down," Lone Starr ordered.
"Gear down. Don't like it," came Barf's response.
"Eagle Five coming in!" Lone Starr exclaimed.
"Eagle Five coming in. Don't like it," Barf replied.
The small ship began to buck and rattle. Its passengers were jerked from side to side, tossed violently back and forth as Lone Starr fought to control it. Finally, Eagle Five lurched to a jarring stop.
It took a while to stop bouncing and shaking. Then Lone Starr announced, "The Eagle has landed."
He looked over at his sidekick. Barf's ears covered his eyes. Slowly, Barf peeked out.
"I like it," he said.
In the back compartment, the Princess and Dot tried to pull themselves together after the violent, jarring landing.
Dot opened one eye, then the other. "Is it over?" she asked.
"Yes," Vespa told her. She pulled off her seat belt, slammed it angrily to the floor, and headed for the curtain that separated them from the cockpit.
"Where are you going?" Dot asked weakly.
The Princess shook her fist at the curtain. "I'm going to tell him off once and for all."
"No. Wait a minute," Dot called to her. "We'll need him to get us out of here. Besides" - a smile, formed on her pretty mechanical face - "he's got a nice voice. He could be cute."
The Princess sneered. "Cute! I know these space bums. They're all alike - fat, ugly, beer-swilling pigs!"
On the other side of the curtain, Lone Starr unbuckled his seat belt and prepared to go back and face the Princess. "She called me an idiot!" he exclaimed angrily. "I'm going back there and - "
"Hold it!" Barf held him back. "Wait till you see what she looks like. She's - "
"I know what she looks like," Lone Starr interrupted, shoving Barf out of his way. "If you've seen one princess, you've seen them all - buck-toothed, knock-kneed, horse-faced space dogs!"
He walked up to the stained curtain, but before he could open it, Princess Vespa yanked it open from the other side.
"Now, listen, you - " she started, fury in her eyes. But she stopped, stunned by Lone Starr's rugged good looks.
"You listen - " Lone Starr started to say. But his stubbled jaw dropped open. Vespa's beauty left him speechless.
For a few seconds, they stared silently at each other.
Lone Starr was the first to recover. "You listen," he said, softer than before. "On this ship, you are to refer to me as idiot - not you captain. I mean ... uh.... You know what I mean."
"And you are not to call me you," the Princess replied, not as angrily as she had started out. "You'll never address me as you. You will address me as 'Your Royal Highness.'"
Lone Starr felt his anger coming back. "You are a royal pain - " he started.
"Hold it!" Barf interrupted. He made a "T" sign with his paws. "Time out. May I make a small suggestion?"
"What's your suggestion?" Lone Starr asked.
"You're both crazy," Barf said.
"That's a suggestion?" Vespa exclaimed.
"Listen to me," Barf said, sounding worried. "Any minute now, the Spaceballs are going to make a major U-turn, head back here, and make us all dead."
"That's a suggestion?" Vespa repeated.
"He's right," Lone Starr said quickly, realizing there was little time to waste. "Let's get out of here."
"Wait!" Vespa cried, grabbing his arm. "My things!"
Lone Starr backed away angrily. "Now, listen, Your Royal Highness," he said, making the words Your Royal Highness sound like some kind of gum disease. "Take only what you need to survive."
***
A few minutes later, they stepped out onto the barren Moon of Vega, into a drab vista of endless gray rocks, barren sand dunes, and deep black craters. The land stretched empty, silent, and still as far as the eye could see.
The Princess, walking slowly, reluctantly, led the way, carrying a tote bag and a matching hatbox. She was followed by the faithful Dot, pulling an airline luggage hauler that contained two overstuffed matching suitcases.
Lone Starr and Barf followed, straining and struggling to carry a huge matching steamer trunk. "What the heck is in this thing?" Lone Starr asked Barf. "It weighs a ton."
"Let's set it down, Boss. Please!" Barf wheezed.
They set the trunk down on the sand. Lone Starr bent down and snapped open the top. Then he reached into the trunk and pulled out a large white object - a hair dryer bigger than a bicycle!!
"Your Royal Highness, what's this?" Lone Starr asked wearily. "I said take only
what you need to survive."
"It's my industrial-strength hair dryer," the Princess snapped. "And I can't live without it!"
Lone Starr frowned and shook his head. "Okay, Princess, that's it. The fairy tale is over. Welcome to real life. You want this hot air machine? You carry it!" He tossed it to the ground at her feet.
Vespa jumped back. "My father is paying you a lot of money," she shrieked. "You pick that up!"
"You pick it up!" Lone Starr yelled.
The Princess raised her head haughtily in royal disapproval. "How dare you! You insolent peasant! Nobody talks to me that way! Nobody!"
Lone Starr's eyes flared angrily. He was ready for a good fight. She had been asking for it ever since he rescued her. "Look at her," he said. "Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips.... You know something, Princess?"
"I'm beautiful when I'm angry?" she suggested.
"No. Ugly as a goat," he told her.
"That does it!" Vespa screamed. "You and your dog are fired!"
"Mawg! I'm a mawg!" Barf whined.
Still pulling the luggage carrier, Dot moved over to the Princess. "Don't fire him now. He's rescuing us," she said. "Wait until he saves our lives. Then fire him!"
"Good plan," the Princess said.
"May I make a suggestion?" Barf said, sounding desperate.
"We're crazy?" Lone Starr and Vespa replied in unison.
"No. It's gonna be pitch-dark soon. We've gotta find a place to camp for the night. My dogs are killing me!"
"He's right. Let's move on," Lone Starr said, surveying the horizon.
Leaving the trunk and king-size hair dryer behind, they started off over the barren terrain, walking slowly into the darkness, into the scary unknown....
Chapter 11
Aboard Spaceball One, Lord Helmet paced the command module as his crew desperately searched the skies for Lone Starr and the Eagle Five. "Any sign of them yet?" he called to the radar operator.
"No, Lord Helmet," came the reply. "They don't show up on the scanner. It's all black, sir. Nothing but blackness."
Lord Helmet walked down to the scanner. "All black? Well, try turning it on, you idiot! You might see a little better."
"Whoops. Sorry, sir." The radar operator reached up and turned on the scanner. "Still no sign of them, sir."
"Well, keep looking." Lord Helmet returned to the bridge.
The loudspeaker crackled to life suddenly with an important announcement: "Attention. Attention. There are still tickets left for the three-ring circus from Saturn that will be touring the ship from May to December."
"We've got to find Lone Starr and the Princess," Lord Helmet said. "This is putting me in a bad mood."
"Pardon me, sir," Sandurz interrupted. "I have an idea." Sandurz walked over to the Spaceball video technician. "Do we have a videocassette of Spaceballs - The Movie?"
"I'll look, sir." The video technician got up from his console and pulled open a sliding panel, revealing a wall of videocassettes. "We have all the Mel Brooks movies here, Colonel Sandurz," he said.
He ran his hand quickly across the shelf, looking for the cassette of Spaceballs. "You sure you wouldn't rather watch Blazing Saddles? It's a riot. I love the scene where they're sitting around the campfire and - "
"Wait a minute!" Lord Helmet called down from the bridge. "There can't be a cassette of Spaceballs yet! We're still in the middle of living it!"
"That's true, sir," Sandurz said. "But there's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing."
Dark Helmet's little face filled with surprise. "There has?"
"Yes. Instant cassettes. They're out in stores before the movie is finished."
"Wow!" Dark Helmet didn't really understand what Sandurz was talking about. "What won't they think of next?"
The crew member popped the Spaceballs cassette into the VCR. The FBI warning appeared on the screen, followed by the beginning of the movie and the words "Once upon a time warp...."
"No, no no. Skip it ahead. Skip it ahead!" Dark Helmet cried impatiently.
The crew member pushed FAST FORWARD. The tape spun ahead as static filled the screen. "Try now!" Dark Helmet called. "Quick search!"
Everyone watched the screen. Once again, in very speeded-up motion, they saw the Spaceball One come out of ludicrous speed, and Dark Helmet go flying helmet-first into the control console.
"No! No! Keep going!" Dark Helmet cried. "Good lord - how embarrassing!"
The technician fast-forwarded the movie some more. "Let's try here," Dark Helmet ordered. The technician pushed PLAY.
Dark Helmet stepped forward to get a closer look. On the screen, Dark Helmet stepped forward to get a closer look at a video screen. He moved closer. The image of himself on the screen moved closer. Closer. Closer. Soon, the two identical Dark Helmets were nose to nose.
"What's going on here?" Dark Helmet demanded.
At the exact same time, the Dark Helmet on the video screen asked, "What's going on here?"
"What am I looking at? When does this happen?" Lord Helmet cried.
The Dark Helmet on the screen said the exact same words at the exact same time.
"Now. You're looking at now, sir," Sandurz said. And a Sandurz on the screen said those very same words. "Everything that happens now is happening now."
Dark Helmet's mouth dropped open. He was thinking hard, trying to understand this. "Now?" He sounded very confused. "What happened to then!"
"We passed then," Sandurz told him.
"When?"
"Just now. We're at now now," Sandurz said.
"Then go back to then," Dark Helmet said.
"When?" Sandurz asked.
"Now," Dark Helmet replied.
"Now?" Sandurz asked. "Now?" the Sandurz on the screen asked.
"Not now - then," the two Dark Helmets said. "Go back to then."
"I can't," the two Sandurzes said.
"Why?"
"We missed it," Sandurz told him.
"When?"
"Just now," Sandurz said.
"Wait!" Dark Helmet cried. "When will then be now?"
"Soon."
"Not now?" Dark Helmet asked.
"No."
"When?" Dark Helmet asked.
"Now," Sandurz said.
Dark Helmet's eyes rolled around in his head, and his tongue hung down from his mouth. The great leader was terribly confused.
As they watched the video screen, the scene suddenly changed. They found themselves staring at the barren, rocky terrain of some distant moon. The Princess stepped into the scene, followed by Dot, Lone Starr, and Barf. All of them were carrying luggage.
"We've done it!" the radio operator cried. "We've identified their location!"
Dark Helmet's eyes were still rolling around in his head. "Where?"
"It's the Moon of Vega," the radio operator announced.
"Good work!" Sandurz cried happily. "Set a course and prepare for our arrival."
"When?" Dark Helmet asked weakly.
"Nineteen-hundred hours, sir," the radio operator announced.
"What?" Dark Helmet uttered in total confusion.
"By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners, sir," Sandurz told him.
"Who?" Dark Helmet asked.
Chapter 12
The Moon of Vega was not one of the big tourist attractions in the universe. One reason for this was the interesting and beautiful scenery. There wasn't any.
There was just rocks and desert, followed by more desert and an occasional rock.
Another reason why most folks preferred Disney World to the Moon of Vega was the temperature. In the off-season, it went up to about 200 degrees in the daytime, then slid down to about 20 below zero at night.
There was no in-season.
Our heroes were not aware of this information. They were just pleased to have escaped from the clutches of the ruthless Spaceballs and to have landed safely on firm ground. They set up camp on a high, flat dune under a sky
full of twinkling stars.
Barf fell asleep immediately, comfy on a big rubber doughnut that had the words INFLATO DOGGIE BED stenciled on its side. Across from him, Dot sat motionless on the ground. A little orange sign on her shoulder flicked on and off. It said: SLEEP MODE. From across the way, Lone Starr could hear her electronic, digital snoring.... "Beep-BLEEP. Beep-BLEEP."
A short distance away, Princess Vespa sat on a gray boulder and looked up wistfully at the vast night sky. She shivered, rubbing her arms to get warm.
Lone Starr walked over quietly, his long legs taking him to her in just a few strides. He pulled off his tattered leather flight jacket and slipped it around her shoulders.
"No, thank you," she said. "I'm perfectly all right."
She began to take off the jacket, but Lone Starr put it back on. "Keep it," he said softly. "Blue isn't exactly the most appealing skin color."
"You say the sweetest things," she said sarcastically. But then her tone softened and she looked up at him, her beautiful brown eyes filled with genuine concern. "Won't you be cold?"
"Nah," Lone Starr said, narrowing his eyes and trying to get those heroic creases in his forehead. "Cold never bothers me." He began to shiver. He hoped she couldn't hear his teeth chattering.
Vespa gazed up at the sky. "I can't seem to find Druidia," she said.
Lone Starr picked a direction and pointed. "It's there," he said.
"Where?" She leaned back to look and nearly fell off the rock.
"Right up there," he said, pointing in a different direction. "That bright blue one. See?"
"Oh, yes," the Princess said, a smile curving her luscious red lips. "I see. It's so far away...."
"Don't worry. I'll get you there," Lone Starr said, shivering too hard to sound as confident as he'd intended.
"Which one is yours?" she asked.
"Who knows?"
She looked up at him in surprise. "You don't know where you're from?"
"Not really," Lone Starr said with a shrug. "I was found on the doorstep of a monastery. Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy."
"Didn't the monks tell you who your parents were?" Vespa asked.
"They couldn't," he told her. "They took a vow of silence. All I've got is this." From beneath his shirt, Lone Starr pulled out a tarnished silver medallion. "It was around my neck when they found me," he told her. "I've worn it there ever since."