A Right Brain Mind in a Left Brain World

by Jean Long

  ‘Do you think so love?’

  ‘Yes, yes I do, and I’m sure wherever he is, he will be thinking of you... and if he could say one thing I’m sure it would be “I love you too Ma.”’

  ‘Thank you my love, you know this is the first time I have spoken about him to anyone in a long, long time. This is almost better than winning the bingo.’ She smiles up into my face.

  ‘Yes it is, isn’t it?’ I say, ‘Well, I had better let you get back to work. Otherwise the other rooms will be ringing to know where their breakfast is. It was so lovely to have met you Mrs. O’ Conner. You take care of yourself, won’t you?’

  ‘Yes indeed I will love. Lovely to have met you too. Sorry… what did you say your name was again?’

  ‘Oh, you know I don’t think I did. It’s Denise, Denise O’Conner.’ I stand there for what seems like an eternity, watching for a reaction. She just smiles up at me.

  ‘Well, what do you know, an O’ Conner. We must surely be related. Do any of your family come from down this side of the country?’

  ‘You’d never know now would you?’ I say and give her one final hug goodbye before she turns to go out of my life forever. ‘Well, goodbye love. It was really lovely to have met you and if you’re ever in town again let me know and maybe I’ll take you to the Bingo with me.’

  And off she goes, out the door. I finally got to say my goodbye. I know now that I could never come back here. Denis O’Conner died a long time ago.

  At least I got one last chance to hold her near. Now it’s time to move on.

  HARVEY

  The room is dark as I wake and there is a stale smell hanging in the air. I try to get my bearings of the room but my head hurts too much. Why do I feel like I have a tonne weight lying on my chest? My tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth. I need a drink.

  I get up and make my way to the window falling over something or other lying on the floor. Damn, my ankle hurts. I swing out of the curtains to keep myself from falling over. The autumn sunlight flickers through the room and almost blinds me.

  ‘Damn,’ I shout out into the silent room. I pull back the curtains while keeping my eyes shut tight. The warmth of the sun shines in and warms my body. I turn my back to it and try to open my eyes slowly to avoid the glare.

  I look around the room at the mess I have created. The eiderdown and pillows are strewn all over the settee with cushions thrown about the room. Empty glasses and wine bottles are on every other surface. I remember again why I am in this mess. Why, oh why, did it have to happen now everything was going so well?

  I think again about the very first day we met. I hadn’t planned on meeting anyone or bringing anyone home, for all that matters. But I did, I know now what people mean when they say it was love at first sight. The very minute I looked into your eyes I was lost. You charmed me by being very attentive, not leaving my side that whole evening, listening and responding to my every word. Everyone was so taken with you and said what a handsome couple we made.

  Laura, my friend, who had invited me, just kept smiling at me with that knowing look.

  ‘Oh, I am so pleased,’ she announced, ‘Harvey is a wonderful guy you two will get along really well. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.’

  As I hadn’t taken the car to Laura’s, her mum had offered to drive us home. I thought this was a bit presumptuous but you didn’t seem to mind. I thought I’d play along and see how it would go.

  We arrived at my apartment and you walked in like you knew the place. Like you’d been there before, so at ease with yourself. We just sat on the settee and cuddled up to one another and that was the start to our relationship.

  After a few weeks, I wondered how I had ever lived without you. You were my first thought in the morning and my last thought going to bed at night. You were there to greet me every evening and there to wave me off in the morning. At the weekends we’d sleep in, lying around the bedroom, reading and snoozing and generally taking it easy.

  Even my parents were crazy about you. If by chance I had to work away, they would call to the apartment every evening to make sure you were okay for everything. Dad would sit and chat with you, while mum whizzed round tidying the place. Washing your dirty dishes, making sure your bed was made fresh.

  But now, now that is all gone. I never thought living without you could be so hard.

  I come home every evening to this empty apartment and you’re not there. I try to make dinner. I pull out what I need from the fridge and think, Harvey will love this, only to remember you’re not here anymore. So instead of making dinner I just grab a bottle of wine and some crisps, rinse a glass under the tap and make for the TV. Anything to try and take my mind off you. Everywhere I look there are photos of you staring back at me so I just give way to tears again. The wine bottle empties so I just replace it with another.

  I’m not even sure what day it is today, to be honest, I don’t really care. I haven’t been to work now for days. My mother keeps leaving messages on the answering machine asking me how I’m doing. I mean, how on earth do they think I’m doing? My best friend in the world is gone. I’m on my own again.

  Now the doorbell is ringing. Who the bloody hell is that I wonder? There it goes again, whoever it is? They are persistent. But they can bloody go to hell. I’m not opening the door. But I can’t stand the noise of the bell so I make a run at the front door of the apartment shouting at whoever is at the other side to just stop and go away.

  Then I hear a voice I know so well.

  ‘Please love, it’s your dad, you have to let me in. We have to have a talk.’

  There is something in his voice that makes me want to cry all over again. I open the door and standing outside is my dad. His hair normally so neat and tidy has been blown wild from the wind.

  ‘Hi,’ he says. ‘Can I come in?’

  I turn from the door and walk back into the living room as he follows me. I turn to look at him and can see he is a little dismayed at the state of the room.

  ‘Having a party then?’ he tries a cheery smile at me.

  ‘No,’ I say rather smugly. ‘More like a wake.’

  I look at dad’s face now and realise I’m being very selfish.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry dad. I don’t mean to be rude. I know you mean well and I know you and mum loved Harvey too, it’s just the guilt...’

  ‘Come on now love, you had no way of knowing Harvey had a brain tumour. You did what you could for him.’

  ‘Yes I suppose, but he was so young, I never thought he would die. Well...’ I say, ‘so much for cats having nine lives.’

  LIFE AND SOME

  HUMOR

  A SHADE OF FOOL

  I sat to long in the sun today

  Now I'll pay the price

  Just so I could look nice

  Well I'm looking really sweet

  A shade of raspberry red

  Now has me tied onto my bed

  With my head a pounding

  While tummy turns

  Oh god how I hate these burns

  I plaster on the after sun

  But it's sure not fun

  In the hope it will keep me cool

  But oh boy do I feel such a fool

  From now on I'll make it a rule

  Never again to want to look so cool

  You just end up looking like a raspberry fool

  A TIME TO SAY GOODBYE

  Hello

  Can I ask you

  When is the right time to say goodbye

  When the earth has shattered

  and the walls are closing in around you

  When silence is deaf and the echo

  returns all the harsh words you say

  Or is it when life is lived in a bottle

  you can't tell which way is up

  When you find the nest is empty

  and you know longer understand your life here

  Or is it one morning when leaving the house

  you say goodbye I love you

>   You stop and think do I do I really love you

  When your last breath is upon you and

  you look into the eyes of one you have loved forever

  No there is never a good time to say goodbye

  When it is so much easier to say

  Hello

  THE CHASE

  The silence of the night has gone, one so peaceful.

  Dawn has broke, the chorus of bird song as I now awake, is blissful to my ears.

  So the danger has passed the nightmare no more,

  but yet so vivid in my mind.

  And now I’m left to wonder, why it is my mind must tell a story in this way.

  The way that scares me so, I have trashed about in my bed,

  Twisting the cotton sheets to knots, Pil ow’s are thrown to the floor.

  The sweet smell of perspiration on my damp body, tells

  Once again of the chase I have just recently endured.

  Not for the first time I realise, I wonder whom it could be that scares’ me so.

  It is like someone has just flicked a switch.

  And I know that it is I, who is doing the chasing.

  Looking desperately for something I can’t find.

  I think to myself now, but whatever could it be, I swear to have everything I want.

  But somewhere deep within me, something stirs.

  And I know what it is I am chasing.

  But I also know it is the one thing I will never find, for now at least.

  So I turn over, pull the covers around me, close my eyes again

  and drift into a new slumber.

  ONE DOOR INSTEAD OF TWO

  The phone call came today

  I just didn't know what to say

  The hope I had for you

  But there was nothing I could do

  One door instead of two

  Meant we could not have you

  The things I planned to do

  The places we could bring you

  The planned trip to the zoo

  One door instead of two

  The songs I'd sing for you

  Sweet music we'd make us two

  But the phone call said today

  There wasn't any way you could stay

  One door instead of two

  My heart is lost to you

  But the rules say it won't do

  We tried and failed it's true

  Because of one door instead of two

  My heart is aching there was anticipation now

  there is only deflation

  STAND STILL

  Why is it they move only in one direction

  Always following after each

  other playing catch up

  And yet they never sit together very long

  And all the while things are changing

  The light from the dark and back again

  The recording of events

  Aways relating to their movement

  They never stop you see

  Sometimes we so wish they would

  We wish it with all our might

  But it’s no use they can’t help it

  Even if they wanted to

  Then there are times we so wish

  They would move on a little faster

  But alas they can’t do this either

  Even when we are long gone

  They will still move in that same circle

  I wonder do they ever wish to stop

  Do hands of time ever wish to stand still

  THE TECHNICALITIES OF LIFE

  Throw stones at you at the most in apt moments

  We sat and spent some hours

  filling in mindless answers

  On forms that had the same questions

  That were repeated in several different ways

  With only one answer to all of them

  Yes we would take care of this child

  with our life's blood

  The same as we would our own

  We know there has to be a process

  We know what it means to be

  entrusted with someone else's child

  While it seems a little unfair

  I do seriously understand

  Privacy is most important of course

  The tears are threatening to come now

  I hadn't realised I would be so emotional

  I mean I didn't even get to meet you

  But somehow the love was there

  The room was all but ready just waiting

  Every item has been installed

  Everything a girl could want

  You were all we needed

  Now we waited but not for long

  You weren't coming after all

  You see there is a door between us

  I am sorry you couldn't come

  Maybe we'll try another time

  Lets just wait and see it just hurts so much you see

  For you and I

  WERE I A SCHOLAR

  Were I a scholar

  But then again

  I'm not

  I'd pen me a fine Piece

  Poetry maybe

  Or one of those novels

  I hear say they cost

  But I could do it

  Aha but I dare say

  I'd have time

  But wouldn't it be fine

  So if only I were a scholar

  I could sit back and see

  what the folk think of me

  I'd be a grand gent

  with money less spent

  Oh won't it be grand

  If I could just find in hand

  But no its not for me

  All this scholar larkary

  Sure being a loner

  Lets me be a mourner

  I can crib and can cry

  Till the day that I die

  Have bed and have board

  And never am I bored

  So why be a scholar

  When I can holler

  Or would you rather then

  No no I didn't think so !

  WHAT IS A POET BUT A PEN

  What is a poet but a pen

  A matter of form

  A flow of words

  A house of structure

  Be he noble

  Be he rich

  Be he poor

  What matter he but his pen

  A sonnet here a stanza there

  Maybe a limerick

  The list is endless

  Be it clipped

  Be it free

  Be it all about me

  It is the Pen

  More mighty then the sword

  It has written many treaties

  Laid down a law or two

  Registered deaths births and marriages

  The list is endless

  But what is a poet but a pen

  A poet loves to love

  A death has to be dark

  A scenery a thing of beauty

  A metaphor of words

  Is sometimes for the birds

  So yes a poet is a pen

  Amenable

  SO CLOSE TO ME

  Come let me show you that I care

  Let me show you how I dare

  I wanna be with you

  I wanna kiss you to

  How have I got you to the end of it

  Before you speak I depend on it

  Don't you take me for ride

  Please I do know and have some pride

  So don't stand so close to me

  Please don't stand so close I'll see

  LAST REQUEST

  Why is it your feet want to move

  And your body wants to sway

  As your hips they want to hop

  With your arms up in the air

  Your head it rolls from side to side

  As your hair it swings in time

  You snap your fingers to the beat

  Then you clap your hands and stamp your feet

  It sounds so very sweet

  It's all about moving to t
he beat

  To the rhythm of music sheet

  Now as the music begins to fade

  You tell the DJ he won't be paid

  Until your last requested song is played

  I WANNA BE FAMOUS

  I don't want to be anybody

  If I were anybody I'd be somebody

  And that is not who I am

  Or who I want to be

  I want to blend in be invisible

  Not seen or heard

  No definitely not heard

  No aura or reflection

  No senses or feelings

  No cares or worries

  I don't want to have to wonder

  am I really here

  But am I really there !

  MY METAL SCARES

  I took her out today

  I thought we needed a change

  Maybe try something new

  So we went the long way

  round to the school

  Oh what a beautiful day

  You seemed happy slowing down

  When we met other's on the road

  Letting them pass on a head of us

  Yes what was our hurry anyway

  We pulled into the school

  Under the shade of a big old pine

  Oh here come the girls I say

  As we head back the girls and I

  Talking ninety to the dozen

  And you hum away quietly

  We stopped outside gates

  I was just about to shout my goodbyes

  When we all heard the most dreadful noise

  I knew it was you even before

  I had looked around

  Oh my god how could I let this happen

  The deep gash wounds

  pierced into your side

  Are you ok mammy my young daughter asks

  No I hear myself whisper

  Look what I've done that scar has ruined her.

  I say with tears running down my face

  Ah come now love my husband says soothing me

  Sure it’s nothing a little filler and paint won't fix

  Oh well I suppose I sniff

  I KNOW YOUR HEART IS BREAKING

  I write this song for you

  Because I need to see you smile

  I wanna see that frown turn upside-down