Finding Nora

by Ripley Proserpina

  Nora wanted it to work. Maybe it was a fantasy. She wanted to support them the way they supported her, and she wanted to see their dreams come true. She wanted to marry them, and eat dinner with them, and go to bed with them every night, and someday, she wanted children with them.

  It seemed completely out of the realm of possibility. Answering the questions led her to more questions. Vermont might be a liberal state, but it didn’t allow for a person to be married to five men. And what would her children face in school when the six of them showed up at kindergarten orientation?

  With the question answered as best she could, she stopped, printing out what she had, and ignoring how her answers could be construed as relating to a two-person relationship. Only someone looking closely would realize she was talking about all six of them. Folding the papers in half, she stuffed them into her bag. She went to bed not long afterward, her heart hurting.

  Things didn’t look as bad in the morning, especially when she woke up with Matisse’s arms wrapped around her and his lips on her neck. Cradled against him, she was safe.

  She pushed away her worry for now, and got on with her morning. The guys were excited about her interviews. They seemed relieved she moved on, no longer demanding to participate in Dr. Murray’s study.

  “I’m going to my interviews first, and then I’m going to meet Dr. Murray at his lab.” She met Ryan’s gaze. “I think he knows I’m going to quit.”

  “Probably,” he agreed. “I was pretty clear with him yesterday. Can I meet you there?”

  “I think I should do it on my own.”

  The guys argued, and she shook her head. “This isn’t me being stupid, or stubborn, or taking a stand because I think I need to. Dr. Murray needs to see I’m quitting because it’s my decision and mine alone.”

  Ryan shook his head, and each of them looked unhappy.

  “Do you all want to meet me there? Wait for me?”

  That they could agree to. Ryan and Apollo could go to the library, do their homework and wait. Seok, Matisse, and Cai would stay home, finishing the things they needed to do, and join the other two later.

  While Ryan went to collect his books, Apollo leaned over to whisper to her, “I can wait for you in the car.”

  “Go to the library with Ryan and get your things done.” She kissed him. “I’ve distracted you from your work for three days. You’ll have uninterrupted hours of study.”

  Tilting his head, he kissed her a little deeper, and a little more forcefully. “That doesn’t have the appeal you think it does.”

  She smiled against his lips and drew away, straightening her posture and smoothing her shirt. “How do I look?”

  “Hot,” Matisse said as he walked by, stopping to kiss her cheek.

  Nora blushed. “But do I look employable?” she called after him,

  His response was a noise that could have meant anything, and she rolled her eyes.

  “You look beautiful,” Apollo whispered.

  Separating her hair into three sections, she braided it quickly down her back, securing the end with an elastic. She made sure her wallet was in the front pouch along with her bus pass and reached for her jacket. Her stomach was in knots. “I’m ready.”

  Peering at her closely, he reached for her hand. “I’ll walk you out.”

  He squeezed her hand and she squeezed his back, leaning into his shoulder. As they headed through the house, she opened the door to the basement. “Seok! I’m leaving!”

  Something dropped onto his workbench before he appeared, taking the stairs two at a time. He leaned forward, holding the door jam with both hands and kissed her lips. “I’ll see you there. Three?”

  “Three.” She nodded.

  He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again. “Three.”

  Apollo tugged her away, causing her to glance at him questioningly. His face was tight, and she realized what she’d done.

  “Oh, Apollo. I’m sorry. I’ll… I’ll say goodbye on my own. I’ll be right back.”

  “No.” He tugged her when she tried to extricate herself. “I’m dealing with it, Nora. It’s hard, but not unmanageable. I can’t help but want you all to myself.”

  She reached for him, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him in close. “It’s not fair.”

  His warm breath tickled her neck. “I choose this, Nora. Don’t think for a moment I’m a victim, or I don’t want this. These guys are my best friends. They are, truly, my family. I’m okay.”

  Sliding out of his arms, she searched his face to see if he meant what he said. When he didn’t look away from her, she nodded. “Okay.”

  They found Matisse in the living room, typing on his laptop while Cai sat next to him, typing away at his.

  “I’m going to my interview.”

  Matisse tossed his laptop onto the couch, and she winced, but he brushed aside her reaction. “It’s fine. They make them to be dropped.”

  “I don’t think they do—” she began, cutting off when he grabbed her from Apollo and kissed her deeply. His tongue scraped against hers before he pecked her chin and blew a raspberry near her shoulder.

  “Good luck,” he said, smiling and sitting down again.

  Cai shook his head, scoffing at his friend. Leaning over, she kissed him on the cheek. “See you later.”

  “Good luck, Nora.” He returned her chaste kiss, but followed it with another, longer kiss, next to her lips.

  Footsteps came down the steps, and she straightened.

  “Headed out?”

  She nodded at Ryan, letting Apollo take her hand again. He waited for her at the front door. “I’ll meet you at Converse,” he said, as they got closer.

  Nausea built as she thought about going back to the building. “Okay.” She started out the door, but he stopped her.

  “Thank you,” he whispered, kissing her.

  Understanding he meant more than meeting after her appointment with Dr. Murray, she nodded. “I’ll end up working longer before I can start college, but it's okay."

  Together, they walked outside. Her nervousness continued to grow so much she barely realized she'd hugged them and waved goodbye before they drove off.

  It was time for her to get moving. The bus stop was a couple of blocks down the street. Taking a deep breath, she held the cold, fall air in her lungs.

  There were only a few other people waiting for the bus. Each of them had their ear buds in their ears and seemed happy blocking out the world. It worked for her. Turning her back on the other riders, she watched down the road. It was Sunday, which meant longer gaps between bus runs. She still didn't have a watch, but she knew she left the house with plenty of time to get to her interviews on the hour.

  While she was grateful for the job interviews today, on top of having to quit the study with Dr. Murray, she was, quite honestly, overwhelmed. Hurdle after hurdle waited to be jumped.

  The city bus rumbled up the road, stopping in front of them. The door opened and she climbed the steps, swiping her pass before sliding next to the window. The scenery blurred as the bus gathered speed, and in no time, they arrived at the grocery store.

  The woman at the customer service desk eyed her suspiciously when she let her know she had an interview. "You're the girl," she said.

  Her stomach dropped as she met the woman's much-less friendly gaze. She opened her mouth to reply when her named was called, "Honora Leslie?"

  Fixing a smile on her face, she turned to the store manager. He frowned, but led her back to his office. As soon as she had taken the seat he pointed to, he spoke, "The online application process automatically schedules interviews for anyone who meets a certain criteria."

  "I worked at a deli for the past two years, and I put my employer down as a reference. You can call him. I'm reliable, I'm punctual, and I’ll work weekends and evenings."

  "I don't need to call him. I can't hire you."

  “I—"

  The m
anager held up his hand. "I understand the police say you had nothing to do with the shooting. But I still can't hire you. We have families with kids come here every day and they won't feel safe if they see you."

  "I can work nights," she argued. "I can stock shelves."

  He raised his eyebrow. "Sorry, Miss Leslie. I can't. I apologize for the inconvenience, and thank you for applying."

  He held out his hand, cutting off any other argument she could have offered. "Good luck with your job search," he told her, opening the door to his office and indicating she should leave.

  "Thanks for interviewing me,” she answered politely, though her voice shook. As she left, she met the smug gaze of the woman at the customer service counter.

  The sinking feeling in her stomach grew as she walked back to the bus stop. Her interview, if it could be called that, lasted all of five minutes, and she got in early. She had a solid hour and a half before her next interview to rehash and worry over everything the manager had said.

  There was nothing to distract her, and she couldn’t shake the sense her next interview would be a waste of time.

  After a while, people joined her at the stop. A mother with her baby, and reusable grocery bags stuffed full of groceries. A few teenagers. The mom fed her baby bits of a muffin until it began to rain and they had to huddle under the bus stop’s roof. The water dripped onto Nora’s head and trailed down the part in her hair, running under her ear and dripping onto her neck.

  Trying to get out from under the corner of the awning, she scooted a little closer to the center of the stop. The mom inched a little closer to the center, making room for her to squeeze in. The little bit of human kindness almost did her in.

  “Thank you,” she managed.

  When the city bus finally arrived, she was thoroughly soggy, and her anxiety rode her full force. Her feet squished in her shoes as she climbed aboard and found a seat. Huddling down, she embraced her misery.

  The ride to the bookstore took longer than the ride to the grocery store. They had to drive to the other side of town, and with the rain, more people waited for the bus. Each stop brought a blast of cold air and diesel fumes, so when they arrived at the bookstore she was both nauseated and frozen.

  Like she had at the grocery store, she went to the customer service counter and told them she was there for an interview. Without a visible reaction from the person working there, she had a moment of hopefulness.

  “Hi, I’m the manager, Cassie Watson. Come back with me?”

  Nora followed her past the rows and rows of books into a tiny office at the back of the store. Cassie closed the door behind her and leaned against it.

  “I’m sorry to have wasted your time like this, Honora,” she started right away. “But I can’t hire you. I’m sure you understand why.”

  Pushing a wet curl out of her face, and tucking it behind her ear, she answered, “I had nothing to do with the shooting at the school. I’m just trying to find a job. I’m dependable and I’ll work whatever hours you need.”

  As soon as she started talking, Cassie began shaking her head. “It doesn’t matter. You could be the best employee we ever had, but I can’t hire you. People would take one look at you and be afraid.”

  “Are you serious? You have no reason not to at least grant me an interview. I’m qualified.”

  “Do you really want to waste your time and mine?”

  Her shoulders slumped in defeat, and she shook her head.

  “Look. I really am sorry. It sucks, but I’ve got to think about my sales and the safety of my customers. I have to go on the worst-case scenario. I mean, what if…” She shook her head. “I can’t.”

  “I’m sorry I wasted your time.” She had to get out of there.

  “No problem,” Cassie said, as if her apology was genuine. “Good luck finding something.”

  Swallowing hard against the tears in her throat, she left the store immediately. Rather than wait for the bus, she walked toward campus. It was a two mile walk from the book store to Converse Hall, and it was still raining, but wet was wet, and she couldn’t possibly feel worse than she already did.

  She crossed the street, jumping over puddles and keeping an eye out for trucks that might splash her with dirty street water. As she walked, she tried to formulate a plan. Okay, so she couldn’t get a night job stocking shelves.

  Panic rose in her chest. How was she supposed to save money? She couldn’t expect the guys to support her for weeks on end. Waiting for the crossing sign to change, she watched the cars drive by. She had no car, only whatever money was left on her bus pass, and maybe $100 in savings.

  What was she going to do?

  The medical center was up ahead and beyond that, Converse Hall. The idea of seeing the guys, and telling them what happened, was embarrassing and depressing. They would be angry on her behalf, and then they’d feel bad for her.

  Poor pitiful Nora.

  Ugh. Nobody wanted a sad sack girlfriend.

  As the grey stone building came into view, her stomach began to cramp. Forcing herself to keep her eyes in front of her, she fixed them on the stairs and front doors. If she looked over at the grass, she’d see where Tilly’s body had fallen.

  She walked up the stone steps, pulling open the heavy wooden door. The clock above the glass display case housing fliers for psychology clubs and tutors showed she had an hour until the boys arrived.

  On her list of shitty things she had to do today, this was the last box she had to check. However, it was arguably the one she was most nervous about.

  I need this day to be over.

  Finding the stairs, she began the climb to the fifth floor.

  * * *

  “Hey, Nora.”

  Dr. Murray fixed her with a look she mentally labeled: disappointed.

  Well, fuck you, Dr. Murray. You’re the one who got us here.

  She was tired, wet, her feet hurt, and she couldn’t get a job. Who the hell did he think he was, being disappointed in her.

  She crossed her arms, a move that lost some of its power when a bead of water dripped off the tip of her nose.

  “Are you going to sit, or are you going to drip?”

  Narrowing her eyes at him, she nonetheless sat on the chair he gestured to. “I’m not going to participate in your study.” She took a deep breath. “Thanks for the opportunity.”

  It wasn’t even worth sitting down to deliver the news. Standing, she headed to the door.

  “Nora,” he sighed. “Sit back down, please.”

  “I think we’re done.”

  “Nora.” His voice turned hard and commanding.

  She gripped the back of the chair, holding on tight. They stared at each other, until he suddenly dropped his glasses on the desk and rubbed his eyes.

  “It was part of the study.”

  “I got that.” And it didn’t matter.

  “I needed a baseline to your stress response. Jessica took your pulse while Grant watched for demonstrable signs of breakdown.”

  She clenched her fists.

  “I’m not trying to be a jerk, Nora. But all of this was in the contract you signed. It said specifically you would experience events and questions that could be triggering.”

  “It said questioning, Dr. Murray. It never said events.”

  Turning around, he grabbed a paper off the desk and handed it to her. It was her contract. He pointed to a section, and she read it. It said exactly what he claimed.

  “Well…Balls.”

  He laughed. “Nora. I know I messed up. I didn’t think.”

  “No shit.”

  Turning to the window, he stared quietly at the grey sky. “This study is my life, Nora,” he said in a low, urgent tone. “I know people say things like that all the time, but this is the truth. I think what I discover here could change the world. I believe it with my whole heart.”

  He’d have to do it without her.

  “I need you
, Nora.”

  His voice was beseeching, and when he spun toward her, his face was earnest.

  “I can’t be part of it, Dr. Murray. As much as I want the things you’re offering, I don’t trust you.”

  “You know what was fascinating about your response yesterday, Nora?”

  Despite herself, she was interested and shook her head.

  “When Nils accelerated, and you believed he was about to hit the students, your pulse rate spiked to 60 beats a minute.”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Your heart rate barely changed.”

  “I was scared out of my mind. I could feel my heart pounding.”

  “Maybe so. But your most outward sign of response was to yell at us and to close your eyes. You actually tried to reason with Nils. Not one of my study participants has done that before.”

  “I nearly peed my pants.”

  “Maybe.”

  “And now my side is killing me because Nils jammed on the breaks.”

  “Listen.” He rubbed his head. “It was a massive oversight. And Seok was right. This kind of thing makes the college look twice at my lab. I could lose my tenure.”

  “Yes.” Was this the source of his worry? She narrowed her eyes. “Sounds unfortunate.”

  “I’ve apologized, Nora. But I’m not going to beg you to stay. I want you to stay, but if you’re going to leave, this is the time to do it.” He held out his hand, and she stood, her shoes squishing as she walked toward him.

  “Call the business office on Monday. I’ll let them know I’m waiving the thirty-day repayment clause. They’ll set you up with a payment plan for whatever is owed to them.” He squeezed her hand and let her go.

  “What do you mean? I didn’t…”

  “There were some nonrefundable fees to hold your dorm room, but I don’t know how much it is. The business office will tell you.”

  “Shit.” She shut her eyes. “Shit. Shit. Shit.”

  “Don’t stress about it Nora,” he told her. “Like I said, they have payment plans.”

  “I’ve gotta go.” How was she supposed to tell the guys about this?

  “Take care, Nora. And if you need anything, call. I’m really sorry things worked out the way they did.”