Jaded By Desire (Lust, Desire, and Love Trilogy Book 2)
Page 3
“I’m sure he knew how much you loved him, baby.” My hands tangled in her hair. I felt so fucked up. Not only was I pouring out my heart about my dad, but she was crying nearly as hard as I was. I hated seeing her cry.
I lifted her head off my chest and turned her face to meet mine. Her mascara was running under her eyes.
And even with that imperfection, her face was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Our tear-filled eyes met.
Jesus, fuck. I loved her. If I wasn’t one hundred percent sure before that moment, I knew then, without a shred of doubt, that she was the woman for me. Love was sitting beside me in this car, listening to me. Love was Nikki. I closed my eyes slowly and rested my forehead against hers for a moment before I cupped her beautiful face in my hands and lifted her mouth to meet mine.
I had treated this beautiful woman like shit on more than one occasion just a few short months ago because I had been fighting the feelings I knew were there. I had been a selfish prick, and I felt like I didn’t deserve her.
Our lips parted, and I pulled her into my arms. I hadn’t even told her about my mom yet.
“My mom, she fell apart after Dad died. She collapsed before we left the hospital. It was a disaster. She was devastated. She had to be medicated for his funeral. Hell, she couldn’t even help to get the arrangements made. I had to do all of that.”
I left out that Mom had a mini-stroke in the hospital. He was her world, her first love, her only love, her forever love. And she was his.
Watching them together while I was growing up, I knew I’d probably never find that perfect forever love like they had. I didn’t think it was even worth trying. I’d heard so many people say a love like theirs doesn’t happen often. After desperately hoping with the first few girlfriends and striking out, I gave up trying. Why would I ever think I’d be that lucky?
“We all thought the medication was going to help her get through the funeral and the days that followed.”
“Oh, Jeff.” Nikki gasped, and another tear slid down her face, following the mascara trail.
“I had to take care of all of Dad’s financial business. The months she was in the old house after the funeral were almost unbearable for her. I finally sold their house and bought her this one. It’s smaller, and there aren’t any memories of her and Dad as a couple here. A couple pictures here and there, but that’s it.” I loosened my grip on her, then looked into her eyes.
“Baby, she had a stroke right after the funeral. Like, immediately afterward.” I was done, a fucking wreck. I gasped and inhaled as the tears fell freely. The tears and feelings that had been stifled for six years broke free. Nikki rested her cheek on my shoulder while she rubbed my back. I could feel her tears soaking through my shirt and moistening my skin.
Not only had I buried my dad that day, but I buried all of my feelings, and had been forced to become my mom’s caretaker. “I couldn’t be mad at her any longer or blame her for Dad not getting medical attention sooner,” I choked out past the lump, tears flowing freely.
I couldn’t grieve that I’d never see my dad again. I couldn’t grieve that my mom would never be the same again. On that day, I was forced to bury all of my feelings about all of this at that very moment. I had to do it because that was what my mom needed me to do. I couldn’t lose them both. I inhaled and sniffed as I worked to pulled myself together.
“While Mom was in the hospital, I found out that my dad had heart disease, and it was hereditary. His father, my grandfather, had the same disease, and he had died when he was forty-six. I guess my dad had talked to the cardiologist about his family history, and the cardiologist told me. I didn’t even know until that day. I wasn’t completely against having kids, but when I got that news, I knew I never wanted any kids of my own. How could I do that to a child? And why would I want to pass something so fucked up on to them? It was bad enough I had to live knowing that it was part of my genetic make-up.” My blurred gaze was shifted down to her stomach knowing that baby; that innocent baby, could have this passed on to them and it would be all my fault.
I had to get a fucking grip. I was sitting there, crying like a fucking little child. I wiped my face. “After Mom was released, I spent a lot of time here with her, feeding her, taking care of her. I finally had to have a nurse come in when I started traveling for my job. I still come see her every week, usually Friday or early Saturday before I come home, after I get back in town.” I dropped my head, and I saw a tear fall onto my leg.
She rubbed her hands down my face and looked at my teary eyes. “Baby, I’m so sorry.” She leaned in and kissed my cheek. “I wish I could have met your father. I’m sure he was a wonderful man, and I know I would have loved him. But, right now, I really do want to meet your mother.”
Nikki was wonderful. As broken up as she was, she was my strength. How could I have tried to run her off? I was a monster. I didn’t deserve her.
“Mom doesn’t get around the best now, and her speech is still slurred. You have to be patient with her, Nikki.”
“She’s your mom, Jeff. I’ll love her like she is my own.” I felt like I was in a fairy tale, and Nikki was my un-fucking-believable perfect princess.
I got out of the car and walked around to help her out. As I stood outside the passenger door, I noticed she seemed to have a bout of lightheadedness and lost her balance. I closed the distance between us to make sure she didn’t fall. She looked like she was on the verge of passing out, then, after a couple minutes, stood up straight on her own and sighed.
I had to feel her; I needed her in my arms. I wrapped my arms tight around her waist and crushed my lips on hers, inhaling her spirit into me, then pressed her back against the car. I felt a deeper connection to her now, and I didn’t want to let her go.
I couldn’t let her go.
Ever.
I had to protect her with my life.
When I released my mouth from hers, I took her hand in mine, and then we walked up to the door and rang the bell.
So many nights I had cried alone while submerged in the thoughts of my father. I had been bottling this up for a long time. I was finally with my special someone whom I could share all of this with.
Chapter 2
I was so mentally and physically exhausted when we returned home that I had to go lie down. Jeff came up and joined me. It had been a long day. His naked body wrapped around mine as we lay there as one. His hand stroked my outer thigh and back as his warm breath caressed my neck. Before long he was snoring and his body had stilled. My poor baby. I had never seen a man so torn up with emotion the way he was as he had recounted that day for me.
I laid still beside him. I listened to him snore, and my mind couldn’t let go of the conversation during the drive and visit to his mom’s house. My heart was still aching for him. I wanted so badly to take all of his pain away. Watching him fall apart and shatter before me had left my heart in tiny fragments.
Yet as broken as he was in the car, he was ten times as strong once we walked inside his mother’s house. He had a wide smile on his face as he embraced her. She was so happy to see him; the love between them was undeniable and tremendous. He introduced us, and she gave me a look, her mouth twisted and her head bobbed, as she took me in from head to toe, then back up again. I wanted to laugh, but knew that would be very rude; instead, I just smiled at her. I saw in his mom, Lisa, the shell of a beautiful woman who had once been very physically striking.
She told us to come in the kitchen, so we followed her. She walked with some difficulty, as Jeff had warned me. Her left foot dragged, and she looked like she had a limp. After we moved into the kitchen, I realized she couldn’t use her left arm; it hung limp at her side. She also had slurred speech, struggling occasionally to pronounce certain words, and her face on her left side seemed to have much weaker muscles than her right side. Through the entire visit, Jeff was super patient; he never tried to finish a sentence for her and held her hand in his nearly the entire time we were there.
When Jeff told his mom we were engaged and were getting married, his mom turned to me and her eyes became slits while she stared at me. Without any warning she had asked me, “Are you pregnant?”
I glanced at Jeff and saw him subtly shake his head, and I replied, “No.”
Throughout our conversation, she had asked me four more times if I was pregnant. Each time, I told her no. I felt so terrible lying to his mom. Somehow, I got the feeling she could tell I was pregnant. I don’t know how she knew, but I felt like she did.
When we got in the car to come home, I had to turn my head away from Jeff. The song on the radio was too much, on top of everything that had happened.
I woke to Jeff’s soft lips pressing against my neck and arm with light kisses.
“So long, baby,” he whispered. “This feels so right being with you. I’ve been waiting for you to come into my life.”
I arched my back to rub across him. I felt his erection pressing into me. A flood of want washed over me, and the familiar tingling sensation surfaced. I rolled to face him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I ran my fingers through his hair and pulled his mouth onto mine. Our naked bodies molded together perfectly.
The words he said had that song replaying in my head.
He pulled my leg up over his hip and rubbed his tip against my slit, sliding slowly down to my opening. He slipped his crown inside me and moaned deep in his throat while he bit my bottom lip, then took control of my mouth. His taste made me curl into him.
“Mmmm.” He sank deep in me. “Damn, baby,” I mumbled.
His hand stroked through my hair, and he pulled my mouth into his. He demolished my senses. His smells made me crazy. I could smell his clean hair, his not-so-perfectly-fresh breath, his skin. His smell was that flawless heady, savory-musk that was uniquely him. He claimed me; his tongue swiped across my lips and tongue. His taste was salty and sweet; he tasted so good, better than any piece of candy I had ever eaten. His look was smoldering. His eyes were heated and full of desire.
His skin was soft and smooth, stretching over his rock-hard muscular chest and abs. I wanted to dig my fingernails in and climb up him, like climbing Mount St. Jeff.
And his moaning and ragged breathing was going to be my undoing. I couldn’t get enough of him. He had me hook, line, and sinker. I wanted to scream.
He pressed deep into me, rocking his hips in and out as we remained on our sides. “You feel so fucking good, Nikki.” His words unhinged me as I clenched around his thickness, pulsing and exploding as he continued to stroke me.
“Damn it!” I grabbed a handful of his hair, my stomach muscles contracted, and my hips thrust forward to feel every bit of him pummel my core. “Jeff!” I pulled myself up his body, pressing into him, and surrendered myself to him. “Oh, fuck me!” I screamed.
He rolled me onto my back, grasped my legs behind my knees, pressing my legs up toward my head, and continued to thrust into me. “Damn, girl.”
Damn was right. I couldn’t get enough. I grabbed his ass and pulled him into me tight. I wanted to help him fill me.
His strokes were long and slow. He wasn’t fucking me; he was making love to me. He needed my love. I needed his love. A tear slid down my temple at his gentle approach and the memory of the words from that song. My hips rocked to match his rhythm, meeting him as he sank deep in me. I selfishly wanted him to go faster, but, at the same time, loved that he wasn’t in a rush. I loved him with all of my heart and never wanted to let him go.
I never wanted this moment to end.
Never.
His hands reached under my hips, lifting me to him for a few more strokes. He rested my feet on his shoulders before his hands made their way up to stroke down my cheeks. “Look at me, baby doll.” He was staring deep into my soul, touching my heart. I was his; I was so lost in him. He slid my legs off his body, then bent and kissed my lips as his strokes intensified. “You’re so beautiful, baby. I –” He stopped his sentence as I came undone beneath him.
“Oh … Oh.” I unraveled. “Jeff … shit!”
He hammered into me over and over. “Fuck, baby doll.” He fisted a handful of my hair as our bodies collided. His hand pinned me by my hair, pulling it, but I didn’t care. He could have ripped out chunks of hair right at that time and I wouldn’t have cared. He slammed into me with so much force that he was moving me across the sheets, and my head was hanging off the side of the bed. I knew he was close.
I saw stars as we found our release together, and I felt his seed fill me while my sex convulsed around him.
“God … damn it!” he screamed. He collapsed down on top of me, and I could feel him pulsing inside me. I was more than happy to take his weight on me.
He rolled to my side, and we lay there moaning, wheezing as we tried to catch our breath. The day could end right now and I’d be happy to just lie here, sated, snuggled up to him. I was floating high above cloud nine.
“Are you all right?” His hand caressed down my cheek, under my chin, and down across my collarbone.
Oh god, I’m more than all right. “Jesus Christ, Jeff, I …”
“I know, baby, I know.” He kissed my lips. “I fucking know.”
We had connected on a higher level. Earlier, he had shared his emotions, really deep emotions. Did that mean he loved me, too? Even though the words never came out of his mouth, I knew he did. That day, I could feel it. I had never felt such a strong emotional connection, and he had never made love to me before; we had always fucked. Oh, the fucking was good – great! – but this was amazing. A smile spread across my face, and my heart felt like the rays of sun were streaming directly into it. Yeah, he loved me.
Jeff raised his head. “Pussycat, it’s almost seven o’clock. What do you say we go down to the movie theater and watch a movie? I just want to sit there with you in my arms.”
“Sure, why not? We need to get something to eat, though, baby; you made me work up an appetite.”
“Trust me when I tell you, food is the number two priority on the list, behind taking a shower.” He slapped me on my ass. “Let’s go.”
Chapter 3
My mind raced as fast as my heart was beating. One more month until the wedding, and I was going out of my freaking mind. Checklists, planning, loose ends, packing for the honeymoon, and work -- it was all taking a toll on me. Hiding being pregnant aggravated the hell out of me, too. So many times, I almost slipped.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was lying to everyone by not telling them. Yeah, yeah, I was withholding information, so it wasn’t the same, right? As soon as that thought would go through my mind, I called bullshit on myself. I didn’t even believe myself when I thought that.
I especially hated keeping the news that I was pregnant from my mom. That was the worst. Jeff had lied to her, flat out. I hoped when we finally told her that she didn't get mad and that she would understand why we kept it hushed, but the likelihood of that was slim. It wasn’t like keeping it from Jackie, Mandy, or Georgia; this was my mom. I was expecting her to blow a fuse when it all eventually came out.
My first doctor’s visit was coming up in a week. Mom had gone with me and Sky for the first visit when I was pregnant with Abby. This time, I’d be going by myself. Jeff wasn’t even going with me. My only consolation was that the first visit wasn’t a terribly big deal. Conveniently for him, he was going to be out of town. I couldn’t help but wonder when he was going to accept the fact that we were having a baby; that he was going to have to admit to himself that he was going to be a father. I sat at my computer, shaking my head.
“You look like you have a lot on your mind.” Robert, a co-worker and my replacement while I was going to be out of the office, startled me out of my daydream.
“Oh, yea
h, just a couple things.”
“Do you mind if I ask you a few questions? Is this a good time?”
“No, I don’t mind; pull up a chair.” Since we worked in the same area, Robert was going to be picking up some extra accounts while I was out with the wedding and on my honeymoon.
“So, I was looking over a couple of your accounts to see how you were making updates, and I glanced over the report. I noticed a couple things that didn’t seem right so I dug a little deeper and saw some numbers had been transposed.” The hair on the back of my neck rose. That was exactly what Jack, my manager, had hollered at me for a few months back. “I made the corrections to those accounts, but the report is off now. By a lot.”
I took in a deep breath. “Thanks for pointing that out to me. I can fix the reports.”
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to sit with you so I can see how you do that. Just in case I need to do it while you’re out.” At the rate I was going, I should have planned to begin my leave right after I showed Robert how to make the adjustments.
We sat together for the next couple of hours. We walked through some of my other accounts to make sure there were no other errors there, which there weren’t. Then I showed Robert how to make the adjustments so the report was correct. It wasn’t as easy as making an update on a screen; he had to go into the database and make the change there. It was a lot more risky to have to make database changes. Once all the changes were made, we ran the report again, and voila, perfect.
Robert thanked me for going over that with him. I was able to answer some other questions he had, also. Soon after he left, Georgia came by to see if I was interested in going across the street to get pizza. I was always up for food. I felt like I was starving all the time. Even after I ate a meal, I was still hungry. The problem was, I couldn’t eat much. I was completely paranoid about gaining even an ounce. I had to make sure that dress fit me in four weeks.